Bad Biff - Down Boy [Archive] - Kiwi Biker forums

Biff

27th July 2005, 23:16

Well I finally did it today - and I'm ashamed to say that I did rather enjoy it.

You see, for the past few weeks some muppet that works in the local car hire yard has brought a little dog to work, every day. It’s quite an old dog. A hairy terrier of sorts I think. Now I've remained calm about the fact it shits all over place. I even find it mildly amusing when it takes to lying down in the middle of the car park and refusing to move when you get near it in a car. The little shit just lies there. You have to get out of the car and virtually push the thing out of the way. The rest of the time it just lies around, in bushes or doorways normally.

But he's a little dog - the kind that always, always decides to chase you while you're riding your bike. Little jaws snapping at the bikes tyres and your feet. Bastards.

Anyhoo - today was the last straw. After 3 days on the trot dodging the little bastard as he snapped at either myself or the bike, or slamming my brakes on so that I don’t snap the little bstard in half, I snuck out of the office, looking out of the window to see if he was around. He wasn't. So I quickly got my stuff together, and went outside to mount the BiffBird. I started her up, rolled backwards and just as I was beginning to take off the little bastard came shooting around the corner straight at me. We headed on a collision course. It was him or me. Just as we met he dived to avoid a direct hit and went to snap at my heels. With an instinctive reflex my foot shot out, at speed. I really wanted to kick this little bastard. And I did. And he landed between 8-10 metres away. I launched the little bastard clean into the air. He yelped when my boot struck his head. He yelped when he landed, and then he yelped several time in quick succession . And I felt bloody good about it to.

I still do.

I love dogs. I don't really dislike this dog.

Sorry. But you had it coming.

Zapf

27th July 2005, 23:25

hahah.... well... lets hope its the last lesson that dog learns about bikes...

I really want to be able to speak dog and find out why the heck they chase bikes.....

Waylander

27th July 2005, 23:27

hahah.... well... lets hope its the last lesson that dog learns about bikes...

I really want to be able to speak dog and find out why the heck they chase bikes.....
Probably the same reason Gators in Florida start burping/rumbling/growling when the space shuttle takes off.

Biff

27th July 2005, 23:31

Probably the same reason Gators in Florida start burping/rumbling/growling when the space shuttle takes off.

Or the reason why the Lesser Spotted Peruvian Cave Monkey chews off its rear feet when you taunt it with a moist beach towel. It's a funny world eh?

Waylander

27th July 2005, 23:34

Or the reason why the Lesser Spotted Peruvian Cave Monkey chews off its rear feet when you taunt it with a moist beach towel. It's a funny world eh?
What you talking about now? lol The gators rumble and such when the space shuttle takes off becouse that is how they attract female gators. They think the shuttle is a bigger gator and try to compete. Dogs probably think bikes are bigger dogs. explains why some dogs run twords then along side, some try to attack, others run away from them.

Sorry if I ruined a joke for ya...

Biff

27th July 2005, 23:50

Sorry if I ruined a joke for ya...

No not at all. Don't mind me, this time of night I talk more crap than normal. And that's a lot of crap. In fact I can talk so much crap that Greenpeace have been known to stick a flag in my gob and to abseil down my chin, unfolding banners in the process. It sort of tickles.

Mmmmm - gators. I ate alligator once. It was smoked. A cross between meat and fish. Interestingly enough my stomach rumbled later when a local girl grabbed my pocket rocket. :drinkup:

Ignore me - like one of Riff Raff's farts I linger for a short while then generally waft away somewhere else.

Dadpole

27th July 2005, 23:50

Or the dogs are interested in mating - go faster Biff

Waylander

27th July 2005, 23:52

Or the dogs are interested in mating - go faster Biff
Well that puts a new spin on it...

Lol you're fun Biff you can stick around just let me find my gas mask to block most of the smell.:rofl:

justsomeguy

27th July 2005, 23:57

hahah.... well... lets hope its the last lesson that dog learns about bikes...

I really want to be able to speak dog and find out why the heck they chase bikes.....

Well......... that reminds me of a joke....

Q: Why do men sleep with women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same reason dogs chase bikes they have no intention of riding.

Big Dave

28th July 2005, 00:36

.....great.....do you know any funny ones?

justsomeguy

28th July 2005, 00:38

.....great.....do you know any funny ones?

......probably not :no:

Do you ? :wait:

Zed

28th July 2005, 00:58

Well I finally did it today - and I'm ashamed to say that I did rather enjoy it.Nah nothing to be ashamed about there Biff, you were only defending yourself after all...I'm sure is wasn't premeditated! :whistle:

Anyway, the stupid mut had it coming. I'd be interested to hear if he tries to chase you again? :weird:

Big Dave

28th July 2005, 02:13

......probably not :no:

Do you ? :wait:

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Zapf

28th July 2005, 02:19

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

replace car with bike.

Riff Raff

28th July 2005, 08:26

Ignore me - like one of Riff Raff's farts I linger for a short while then generally waft away somewhere else.
:rofl: Mmmmm got a nice one brewing just for you!

Lias

28th July 2005, 09:01

Hrmm wonder where all the animal lovers from the other thread have gone.. Surprised they arnt here screaming animal cruelty and such lol.

Twas only a dog, good job biff.

Sniper

28th July 2005, 09:02

Good work Biff!!!

Lou Girardin

28th July 2005, 09:05

Do bulldogs look the way they do through chasing parked cars?

bugjuice

28th July 2005, 09:09

I hate dogs doing that. It'll soon learn that it'll find the boot if it keeps doing it.

Really don't know why dogs do that tho. I had a boxer dog. Bloody smart for a dog, and a great personality. I used to work on a farm at weekends while I was at school, and the dog would insist on biting the tractor tyres as I try to drive!!!! No matter what, he'd always have a go..

One time (a little off-beat, but impressive), at band camp. oh wait, wrong story. This one time he was tied to a hook that was in the wall at the stables via a chain, and a nice fashionable thick leather collar. He saw a dog that he's got it in for, so at full pelt, he ran from just under the anchor point, and went for this dog a couple of hundred meters away. The chain got tight all of a sudden. There's me, waiting for the 8.9pt summersault. It never happened. And he never stopped. He ripped the expensive thick leather collar and kept going.. Kinda stund at this, I forgot to leg it after him to stop hiim making this dog into dinner.. He had a good go, but we managed to get there in time

vifferman

28th July 2005, 09:10

I have a theory that dogs bark at and chase bikes because of the black voodoo mojo magic that keeps the bikes from falling over while riding along. OUr dog used to get very excited about bicycles (but then he was small and stupid, and probably hadn't worked hio way up to motorbikes).
I think they especially hate the KakeMixaaahhh because of the demonic whining sound it makes. Almost every time I go past a dog, it rushes at me. Gives me no end of satisfaction when DogOnARope sprints towards the bike, only to abruptly reach the end of its tether, nearly ripping its head off. Some small yappy DustPuppy/RatDog/FurBall tried to leap off the curb at me this morning. I was very tempted to stop next to it and see what it wanted; perhaps it wanted to chew on my boot?

Devil

28th July 2005, 09:17

Really don't know why dogs do that tho. I had a boxer dog. Bloody smart for a dog, and a great personality. I used to work on a farm at weekends while I was at school, and the dog would insist on biting the tractor tyres as I try to drive!!!! No matter what, he'd always have a go..

uhm. I think the boxer scored as one of the least intelligent breeds of dogs :D

Theres a couple of dogs in our street and they're occasionally left unrestrained so they've had a dive at the bike a couple of times. If it happens again they'll be getting the boot.

ManDownUnder

28th July 2005, 09:17

Hrmm wonder where all the animal lovers from the other thread have gone.. Surprised they arnt here screaming animal cruelty and such lol.

Twas only a dog, good job biff.

Good call Lias - but I just logged in.

Biff... Sorry chap I can't agree with you on this one. It's not at the extremes of hacking the head off a live kitten, or burning cats... but y'know - sounds like you could have done the poor little bugger an injury.

:nono:

MDU

ManDownUnder

28th July 2005, 09:19

IOne time (a little off-beat, but impressive), at band camp. oh wait, wrong story.

... and yet strangely - this is the bit of the whole post that got my attention.

blah blah blah... band camp story - blah blah blah

c'mon - spill.. if it was anything like the bands in the Naki... well...:whistle:

MSTRS

28th July 2005, 09:22

Biff. Said dog's little legs whirling around as it ran towards you - you could be forgiven for thinking it was a windmill. Carry a javelin.
Edit - I mean lance. No no, not you Lance. Note the little 'l'. Sheesh. Some people. :weird:

vifferman

28th July 2005, 09:23

Hrmm wonder where all the animal lovers from the other thread have gone.. Surprised they arnt here screaming animal cruelty and such lol.

Why? :spudwhat:
It would be more cruel to NOT discourage him from this habit and have him get run over.

Heh. I worked with this guy (let's call him Mad Pete, because he was called Pete, and he was a bit weird. We can't call him Crazy Pete, because that's my son's name). This was on The Farm, back when I was a professional sheep shagger. He had a dog that used to bite the wheels of whatever he was riding on - usually the farmbike, but occasionally the tractor.:crazy: Of course, being run over a few times (probably when his canines got caught in the tyre treads) didn't dissuade him - he took this job seriously. :yes:
Before TyreBiter (can't remember his real name - probably summat like Woof, or Arrrg) was shot for deciding sheep were just woolly tyres and biting them too, Mad Pete got a pup and started training it it up to be a SheepWrangler. Unfortunately. TyreBiter/Woof/Arg also started training DeputySheepWrangler too, so he carried on the fine tradition of biting tyres. :doh:

There were other DogsOfCharacter: there was Wag, who ate a big piece of the seat of my bike before I inherited it from Wag's owner; there was Don, who took a dislike to the vet for some reason, and every time he visited, used to do stuff like piss on his leg, leap on the bonnet of his car, etc. There was Lou's dog (can't remember his name - let's call him Ramrod, although EweRogerer would be more appropriate). He was old, deaf, and PastHisPrime. Penning up sheep in the yards or shearing shed must've got him all fired up.
"Hey Lou - yer dog's rooting the sheep again!!"
"Ah leave the poor old bugger alone! It's about the only bit of fun he gets these days!"

bugjuice

28th July 2005, 09:25

uhm. I think the boxer scored as one of the least intelligent breeds of dogs :D

Theres a couple of dogs in our street and they're occasionally left unrestrained so they've had a dive at the bike a couple of times. If it happens again they'll be getting the boot.
:gob: you take that back! :mad:

Sniper

28th July 2005, 09:29

Dogs are intelligent execpt when the Imustchaseeverythingontwowheelstoprovesomething part of their brain kicks in, then they are morons!

Deano

28th July 2005, 09:55

Hrmm wonder where all the animal lovers from the other thread have gone.. Surprised they arnt here screaming animal cruelty and such lol.

Twas only a dog, good job biff.

Here's one animal lover.

I hope the 8-10 metres was a bit exaggerated - sure the dogs needs to be taught a lesson but.........

where the hell is the owner ? He should be the one getting the biff from you Biff.

There are no bad dogs, just bad owners.

And LiasTZ - I don't know why you give more of a stuff about people than animals - people are the ones screwing up the world. :weird:

Oscar

28th July 2005, 10:00

I like dogs.
I have a dog - a Golden Retriever.

But good on ya Biff, the little rat had it coming....

NordieBoy

28th July 2005, 10:00

And some are so thick they aspire to be morons.

A friends golden lab would sit on the back seat and roll to the outside every corner...

Never got the hang of the "balance" thing.

zadok

28th July 2005, 10:01

vifferman

28th July 2005, 10:09

Good on you Biff. I was thinking along the lines of vifferman; It may teach him not to do it again. There will be someone out there that would just straight out run him over. He needs to learn the hard way. I love dogs and don't like to see cruelty, but this was warranted in my view.
I love dogs too. My dog was killed a few years ago, because he had no road sense, and because I was angry/impatient with him, yelled at him, and he ran across the road in front of a car. If giving a gog a kick stops him getting run over, and doesn't damage him, then even if it hurts him it's not cruel - you're doing him and his owner a favour. I'd give almost anything to not have to live with having seen my dog get bowled, explaining it to the kids, and having to bury him.

Deano

28th July 2005, 10:09

And some are so thick they aspire to be morons.

A friends golden lab would sit on the back seat and roll to the outside every corner...

Never got the hang of the "balance" thing.

It's pretty funny watching a dog 'surf' the corners in the car.

vifferman

28th July 2005, 10:16

It's pretty funny watching a dog 'surf' the corners in the car.
Even better seeing one on the back of a ute or truck, expertly guiding the vehicle through the bends, using its ears as ailerons, barking at people to get out of the way... :rofl:

Although I hate it when you go past such a truck, and the dog on the back barks at you, its snout a couple of feet from your helmet....

crashe

28th July 2005, 11:02

ok I dont wholehearterly agree with booting the dog.
Maybe speaking to the owner at the car yard might have helped the situation.
The owner must be made aware and become responsible for the dog.
Also maybe the dog shouldnt be at that particualr workplace.

I got chased by a small terrior type dog on numerous occassions.
I dobbed in the owners to the rangers. They were warned.
After that the dog was kept inside the property.

If you have an accident caused by a dog, then the owners of the dog have to pay out for all damages. The dog owners are liable.

You don't know the dog's history or background. Here is one example:
Ok a friend of mine has a dog, that they got from the pound at 18 months old.
They didnt know the background history of him.
But one day we had some long bits of timber in our hands and causually swinging it around... man that dog went right off at us.
We soon figured out that he had been beaten up by his previous owner.
He also doesnt like males near him.
My friend has had this dog for some years now, but she is always wary of people coming to the house and confines him when visitors come that havent been to the house before. Once the people are settled in, then the dog is allowed back to associate.
He is a good dog, but was badly treated by a previous owner, and he still remembers things.

Wolf

28th July 2005, 11:03

Reminds me of when I was in Tahiti, on the back of Daniel's Vespa scooter, largish black dog races out, snarling and snapping, really sounded like he didn't like bikes. The dog's gaining on us as Daniel gives the Vespa full throttle and we are trying to escape uphill, two-up (and Daniel is not a small boy, they feed 'em well in Tahiti) on an ancient Vespa. I was trying to get my ankles over my helmet as the dog was getting dangerously close to getting me.

Finally managed to gain ground away from the dog (love the way 2-strokes just keep on winding out, - the dog ran out of acceleration before we did).

Kick it? I was wearing shorts and sandals (I did say this was Tahiti, and it was before I became a biker, let alone the old aware-of-my-own-mortality Nana I am now)

I felt I was lucky to be able to keep my feet away from it at all. Seriously expected to get bitten.

That's one dog I hope did get skittled by a car while doing similar shit.

Lou Girardin

28th July 2005, 11:48

I was very tempted to stop next to it and see what it wanted; perhaps it wanted to chew on my boot?

Before you do, read the squirrel thread.

Lou Girardin

28th July 2005, 11:50

Good call Lias - but I just logged in.

MDU

Don't know about you MDU, but I support extreme cruelty to mindless trolls.

ManDownUnder

28th July 2005, 11:57

Don't know about you MDU, but I support extreme cruelty to mindless trolls.

Good call, but I prefer laughing at their expense...

Extreme cruelty in the face of people inviting though... tempting... VERY tempting...

[edit] - you did mean the Lias post didn't you - this wasn't another reference to Rachel Hunter...?

Biff

28th July 2005, 12:14

I saw the dog this morning. Lying there in a door way. I walked over to it and gave it a pat to say sorry. Looking at the distance he 'flew' again I did over exaggerate somewhat (what? a bloke over imagine the length of things?), it was more like 5-8 metres. Still a bloody long way.

I'm back in the cage today as I'm back on the school run. So it may be some time before I find out whether he's learnt a lesson. Little shit. Nice little shit though.

Lou Girardin

28th July 2005, 12:27

Good call, but I prefer laughing at their expense...

Extreme cruelty in the face of people inviting though... tempting... VERY tempting...

[edit] - you did mean the Lias post didn't you - this wasn't another reference to Rachel Hunter...?

No, she's just mindless. Although she is guilty of cruelty to fake fur.

Biff

28th July 2005, 12:36

Biff... Sorry chap I can't agree with you on this one. It's not at the extremes of hacking the head off a live kitten, or burning cats... but y'know - sounds like you could have done the poor little bugger an injury.

:nono:

MDU

I know what you're staying mate, but trust me, it certainly wasn't pre-meditated.

I've a very, very long fuse, and very rarely get wound up/upset/angry. But I'd just had enough of risking my safety/bike/dog's life every bloody day. So I snapped. The connection between my foot and the dog was a sweet one, and combine this with the terminal velocity of the bike the result was rather spectacular to say the least. He was probably more shocked than hurt. Hopefully he's also learnt a lesson. I'm about to drop him one of my sandwiches so all's good in my book. And yes, today I do feel somewhat guilty. But I'd probably do it again.