Dadpole
29th July 2005, 10:04
Do Japanese buttocks explode in a vacuum?
I propose now to answer a question on the lips of every archaeologist - namely, did the chin dynasty Chinese possess solid-fuel multi-stage rocket technology? They are, of course, known to have had fireworks, which differ only in scale from intercontinental ballistic missiles. Furthermore, the Chinese must have possessed orbital rocket technology of some sort, as it is well known that the great wall of china can only properly be seen from orbit, and how can one build a thing which one cannot see?
Of course, the invisible properties of the wall would have been a great asset against the swarthy Mongols, who, secure and arrogant in the possession of their one extra chromosome, would have swept south across the arid steppe only to blunt their horses against a solid and invisible barrier.
I myself have seen this invisible barrier, and it is truly formidable; thankfully, the Chinese government of today have beneficently clad it in stone for the entirety of its length to prevent present-day Mongol minorities from bumping into it. One is put in mind of napoleon's famous statement that the stones used to make the great pyramid of Egypt had previously been used to build a wall ten feet high around France. This prudent strategy of the ancient Egyptians served to contain the French until the wall was raided for building stone by unscrupulous Egyptian pyramid builders, and Gallic garlic hordes swarmed forth to wreak their reeking worst upon the world.
Of course, gunpowder is hopelessly inefficient as an explosive, and I calculate that a gunpowder-fuelled rocket capable of reaching orbit would need to be the size of Taiwan. Oddly enough, an island of exactly that size exists just across the Taiwan Strait from the Chinese mainland. Coincidence - or something more sinister?
It is well known that the violence of such a terrific explosion would squirt out a man's brains through his rectum and strangle him with his own prolapsed intestines; it would be suicide to volunteer for such a mission, suggesting that the Japanese are a lost colony of highly trained Chinese astronauts. Do their samurai warriors' outfits not resemble space suits in every detail save for the often complete lack of buttock armour? What can this mean, save that Japanese persons' buttocks are especially resistant to vacuum?
We can learn much from the Japanese. We would no longer need to equip American astronauts with space suits, if only modern skin grafting techniques could be used to replace each astronaut's entire layer of epidermis with Japanese buttock tissue. Perhaps, however, I am teaching the converted to suck eggs, and NASA's astronauts have all been complete arseholes for many years. Perhaps, on the other hand, the dangers of total body buttock grafting are greater than I realize, and, just as in the popular cinema movie, “The Beast With Two Buttocks” the Japanese buttock tissue would take over the astronaut's reason and cause him to run round Cape Canaveral testing the sharpness of his vhf antenna on lowly Mission Control Personnel.
I propose now to answer a question on the lips of every archaeologist - namely, did the chin dynasty Chinese possess solid-fuel multi-stage rocket technology? They are, of course, known to have had fireworks, which differ only in scale from intercontinental ballistic missiles. Furthermore, the Chinese must have possessed orbital rocket technology of some sort, as it is well known that the great wall of china can only properly be seen from orbit, and how can one build a thing which one cannot see?
Of course, the invisible properties of the wall would have been a great asset against the swarthy Mongols, who, secure and arrogant in the possession of their one extra chromosome, would have swept south across the arid steppe only to blunt their horses against a solid and invisible barrier.
I myself have seen this invisible barrier, and it is truly formidable; thankfully, the Chinese government of today have beneficently clad it in stone for the entirety of its length to prevent present-day Mongol minorities from bumping into it. One is put in mind of napoleon's famous statement that the stones used to make the great pyramid of Egypt had previously been used to build a wall ten feet high around France. This prudent strategy of the ancient Egyptians served to contain the French until the wall was raided for building stone by unscrupulous Egyptian pyramid builders, and Gallic garlic hordes swarmed forth to wreak their reeking worst upon the world.
Of course, gunpowder is hopelessly inefficient as an explosive, and I calculate that a gunpowder-fuelled rocket capable of reaching orbit would need to be the size of Taiwan. Oddly enough, an island of exactly that size exists just across the Taiwan Strait from the Chinese mainland. Coincidence - or something more sinister?
It is well known that the violence of such a terrific explosion would squirt out a man's brains through his rectum and strangle him with his own prolapsed intestines; it would be suicide to volunteer for such a mission, suggesting that the Japanese are a lost colony of highly trained Chinese astronauts. Do their samurai warriors' outfits not resemble space suits in every detail save for the often complete lack of buttock armour? What can this mean, save that Japanese persons' buttocks are especially resistant to vacuum?
We can learn much from the Japanese. We would no longer need to equip American astronauts with space suits, if only modern skin grafting techniques could be used to replace each astronaut's entire layer of epidermis with Japanese buttock tissue. Perhaps, however, I am teaching the converted to suck eggs, and NASA's astronauts have all been complete arseholes for many years. Perhaps, on the other hand, the dangers of total body buttock grafting are greater than I realize, and, just as in the popular cinema movie, “The Beast With Two Buttocks” the Japanese buttock tissue would take over the astronaut's reason and cause him to run round Cape Canaveral testing the sharpness of his vhf antenna on lowly Mission Control Personnel.