Man jokes....poor guys!

[feistyredhead]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of North Carolina.">

And they say blondes are dumb.... :weird:

_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you...." :devil2:

_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he

stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. :cold:

_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded. :whistle:

______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board

while I sit on the sofa and fart. :clap:

_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror. :rofl:

______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor. :yes:

_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh! ! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy! :rofl:

__________________

A PRAYER

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death. :Punk:

AMEN

[placidfemme]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you...." :devil2:

:rofl: ahhhh thats good

[v.ros`]

hehehehehehe
:rofl: :rofl:

[Wolf]

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.
Along a similar vein:

Husband to Wife: How about a "quickie"

Wife: As opposed to what?

----------------------------------------------------------

Their lovemaking was fast and furious...




He was fast, she was furious!

[Lou Girardin]

[QUOTE=feistyredhead]
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
/QUOTE]

Gay?

[feistyredhead]

[QUOTE=feistyredhead]
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
/QUOTE]

Gay?

too true....

[Waylander]

[QUOTE=feistyredhead]
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
/QUOTE]

Gay?
I'm not gay.

[SixPackBack]

......Why do women bleed every month
.....coz they fucken deserve it :rofl:

[Storm]

[QUOTE=Lou Girardin]
I'm not gay.

Nice comeback.
However, you are a foreigner, and you know what they say about them

[Waylander]

[QUOTE=Waylander]

Nice comeback.
However, you are a foreigner, and you know what they say about them
Yep, we're all damn sexy. (wheres my sexy smillie?)

[yungatart]

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, "P I G !"

Man yells out window, " B I T C H !"

Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a huge pig in
middle of road.

Thought For The Day: If only men would listen.

[SixPackBack]

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, "P I G !"

Man yells out window, " B I T C H !"

Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a huge pig in
middle of road.

Thought For The Day: If only men would listen.

Haha.......had a hearing test coming up at work and both my daughter and wife where convinced i was as deaf as a post......on testing my hearing was perfect, when i questioned the technician over my inability to her the girls he laughed 'that happens with a very high percentage of married men' sez he...........domestic deafness is great filters out the nagging :rofl:

[Lou Girardin]

[QUOTE=Lou Girardin]
I'm not gay.

You sure? Checked lately?

[Lou Girardin]

Haha.......had a hearing test coming up at work and both my daughter and wife where convinced i was as deaf as a post......on testing my hearing was perfect, when i questioned the technician over my inability to her the girls he laughed 'that happens with a very high percentage of married men' sez he...........domestic deafness is great filters out the nagging :rofl:

Isn't it great! I use it at work too.

[Slipstream]

......Why do women bleed every month
.....coz they fucken deserve it :rofl:

Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?

A. Gifted

:rofl:

[Waylander]

[QUOTE=Waylander]

You sure? Checked lately?
Tell ya what, next time I'm up there you can try to kiss me. If I don't put fist to face then I'm gay. Deal?:weird:

[Wolf]

Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?

A. Gifted

What do you call a man who's lost half his thinking capacity?




Widower.

[Slipstream]

What do you call a man who's lost half his thinking capacity?




Widower.

Only half???

[yungatart]

What do you call a man who's lost half his thinking capacity?




Widower.
Shouldn't that be ALL of his thinking capacity then?

[WRT]

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, "P I G !"

Man yells out window, " B I T C H !"

Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a huge pig in
middle of road.

Thought For The Day: If only men would listen.

That did the rounds some years ago, but with the guy yelling out (first) "COW!" to which the woman replied "PIG!". She apparently was still feeling smug with her quick response when she rounded the bend and hit the cow . . .

Actually think cow is the better obsticle, being bigger 'n all, regardless of my own personal bias. ;)

[parsley]

That did the rounds some years ago, but with the guy yelling out (first) "COW!" to which the woman replied "PIG!". She apparently was still feeling smug with her quick response when she rounded the bend and hit the cow . . .
What about if he shouted "Bitch!" and she shouted "Bastard!" then drove round the corner and hit a dog?

[Sniper]

[QUOTE=Lou Girardin]
I'm not gay.

Neither am I.

Bloody stereotypical women!!!

[Wolf]

Neither am I.

Bloody stereotypical women!!!
Nah, mate, it's only stereotypical and sexist when we do it.

Women can wear T-shirts that say "Boyfriends make great pets" and it is NOT SEXISM; a man can make the merest hint of a sexist joke about women and get the crap kicked out of him by thirty righteously indignant women for adding to the centuries of oppression inflicted on them by the autocratic patriarchal regime... :devil2:

[MSTRS]

Nah, mate, it's only stereotypical and sexist when we do it.

Women can wear T-shirts that say "Boyfriends make great pets" and it is NOT SEXISM; a man can make the merest hint of a sexist joke about women and get the crap kicked out of him by thirty righteously indignant women for adding to the centuries of oppression inflicted on them by the autocratic patriarchal regime... :devil2:
Fifth columnist. Bloody sellout......You on a promise?

[Wolf]

Fifth columnist. Bloody sellout......You on a promise?
Shows what you know: I even don't read the columns - I only buy the paper for the cartoons :bleh:

[Lou Girardin]

[QUOTE=Lou Girardin]
Tell ya what, next time I'm up there you can try to kiss me. If I don't put fist to face then I'm gay. Deal?:weird:

Can't happen, I'm not into mano a mano action. Not even a peck on the cheek. Sorry.

[Wolf]

[QUOTE=Waylander]
Not even a peck on the cheek. Sorry.
You'd hate France or Tahiti, then...

[texmo]

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything without success. One day, she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!

[texmo]

rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary.

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her
Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like
the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

[texmo]

Top 10 ways handguns are better than women:

10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s

9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one way that a handgun is better than a woman is...

...You can buy a silencer for a handgun

[Wolf]

rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary. etc
snip
The version I was origianlly told was better - the first guy buys his wife a Ferrari and a Lambourghini - "She can't drive them both at once, if she doesn't like the Ferrari she'll drive the Lambourghini and I'll drive the Ferrari. If she likes the Ferrari, I'll drive the Lambourghini - either way, I'll get a bloody good car."

The rest of the joke is pretty much similar.