Str8 Jacket
16th August 2005, 10:26
This is addressed to all employed personnel.
Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
=================================
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
=================================
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
=================================
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health
policy.
================================
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, compliments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.
Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
=================================
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
=================================
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
=================================
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health
policy.
================================
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, compliments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.