Ugly man walks into a bar...

[SARGE]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
"You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I
noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of
course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to
cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all
over the house. We did everything... me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"
==========================================

[Blackadda]

Very sad......... have you heard this one?


There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo ?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm

out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant range panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem ?" the others asked. The second lady answered: "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down And I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."

"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties, " the third lady said,

"cause if dis plane go down, honey, dey always looks for da black box fust."

[Waylander]

You two are just sick... Good job:clap:

[placidfemme]

lmao they are both good!!!

[HDTboy]

Heard them both :whistle:

[Wolf]

Three sassy southern black girls are talkin' about their boyfriends.

First says "Ah call mah man, Big Dick, coz he's got a big dick.

Second says "So what, ah call mah man Long John, coz he's got a long "john"."

Third says "Ah call mah man Corvoisier."

First says "Corvoisier? Ain't that some kind of fancy liquor?"

Says the third with a grin "That's right!"

[Sniper]

Oh hells bells

[curious george]

Oh my God.... possible the worst joke thread in history! Bad taste... Bad punchlines...
Mad me snigger tho

[Blackadda]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the Bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger Out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."


She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"





(you're gonna love this)





(its a real treat)





(a masterpiece)





(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...











"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

:rofl:

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

[Bikernereid]

An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...Never found the head."

A Biker went into his corner coffee shop for his morning cuppa. He liked the coffee, and the food was good & cheap. One thing though, the waitress was a surly type who didn't like Bikers much. This morning, business was slow, and the waitress (looking particularly grumpy) was keeping busy brooming the floor. He walked up to her and said, "Look on the bright side luv, when you finish work you'll be able to ride it home".

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker replied, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

Biker sitting in a pub, quietly nursing his pint, when the door opens and in walks a lady of easily negotiable affection. She sits at the bar next to our hero and says in a husky voice, “Hey big boy, have you ever had a thrill?”“Yeah,” replies the sledder, “I was out on my bike and was rippin’ down some country lanes; the sun was shinin’, the little birds wuz tweetin’, the bike was runnin’ sweet and everythin’ was cool.”“No, silly,” I mean have you ever had a real thrill?” she asks again.“Oh yeah,” he answers. “I was cranking it over into some really tight bends and the footpegs were scraping out wiv sparks flying behind me!”Bloody hell, she thinks, this bloke is so thick his brain must be custard. I’ll make it simple for him.“What I mean is,” she says, as she runs her hand up the inside of his thigh and squeezes his nuts, opens her legs to reveal a complete absence of panties and hair, “have you ever felt a cunt?”“Yeah,” he sez. “I fell off.”

[monkeymsea]

An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."

[icekiwi]

An oldy but always a goodie.....lol

[merv]

Yuck :sick:

This wasn't the railway by Tuakau by any chance was it?

[been_there]

A drummer walked into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the bartender.

"I'll tell you," answered the drummer. "You know, I live by the railway
line. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to
the tracks - like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free
and took her back to my place."

"Anyway," he continued "to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on
top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno" the drummer replied, "never found the head".

:no::no::no::no::no::no::no:

[p.dath]

Very funny!

[Marmoot]

You know what is funny?
It's a repost (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=76579&highlight=never+found+the+head) of a repost (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=70513&highlight=never+found+the+head) of a repost (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=15762&highlight=never+found+the+head).

[been_there]

FUCK...
I did a search on the first line before I posted too....:doh:

[Patch]

FFS - you cunts need to learn to fucking read.

[slofox]

Yuck :sick:

This wasn't the railway by Tuakau by any chance was it?

Nah - it was in the Addington shunting yards...I found one there too...

[The Stranger]

Has anyone found the head yet?

[Bren]

Hillbilly Vasecomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
Dont forget also Kaukapakapa (http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_QmZqhiXIxI8/SFexktFha_I/AAAAAAAAAaU/4wnZp4WtK2E/s200/smiley-heelandmooski.png:Police: :Police:) and Gore

[spookytooth]

A Aussie dad was teaching his son how to wank
Son say hey dad this is fucking great
dad says it gets even better son
once you are 13 you can use your own cock

[Madness]

Choir Boy says to the Priest "Kiss me Father, Kiss me!"

Father replies "No son, that would be wrong. I shouldn't even be fucking you"

[been_there]

FFS - you cunts need to learn to fucking read.

R You talking to me?
If so let me explain so your fucking small brain can understand....:bash:

I posted the Joke as a new post and now its been moved to Ugly man walks into a bar thread.

Cunts are fucking useful, and I am not so I can't b 1....
At least thats what my wife says and she doesn't hide behind a keyboard.

ba da ba boom

[pete376403]

Farmer goes behind the barn and finds his teenaged son wacking off. Farmer thinks it's time the son got married, so it's arranged that he marries the neighbours daughter.

Not long after the wedding, farmer goes behind the barn and ther the son is, wacking off again.
Hey boy, said the farmer, you're married now, whats wrong with betsy?

Aw gee paw, her little arm gits so tired....

[sparky.scott]

Choir Boy says to the Priest "Kiss me Father, Kiss me!"

Father replies "No son, that would be wrong. I shouldn't even be fucking you"

Whats the differece between a priest and acne?

At least acne doesnt cum all over your face till your 13