"hmmmmmmmm"

[Biff]

Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but I've been really crook this week. Some sort of nasty viral infection. Most days I've been laid up in bed for around 18 hours a day, sleeping mostly. Not nice. So I decided to admit defeat and visit a doctor.

The Doctor looked at me with a real concern when I went to see him on Monday. As soon as I opened his surgery door he said, "You don't look good". Shit, thanks doc, and there was me about to invite you out on a date, maybe enjoy a spot of mountain climbing, ya know. Bitch.

He asked me how I was feeling, took my temperature, asked what my symptoms were, and he then asked me whether I'd been to Asia recently. When I told him I had - he made one of those worryingly annoying, "hmmmmmm" sounds. Bastard

He took a blood sample then he gave me a lecture on Asian Bird Flu. He even mentioned the words," death" and "serious". He told me I should go straight home and avoid contact with anybody. Fuck me, I thought, ok - so I feel like shit, but I only went there to talk to him about contraception. Seriously.

Before I knew it I'd been prescribed a shit load of pills (for my illness, not for Ms Biff), been deprived of much needed blood, and was going to need an operation to cut the tubes to my testicles (now that is for Ms Biff, not for my illness).

But it's ok, so no need to worry. The blood test was negative, my illness has almost gone, I've had a week off work, and to top it off Ms Biff is going to take it up the arse for the forseeable future. :woohoo:


(I hope Ms Biff doesn't read this. You see I haven't told her the good news yet)


Edit: She has just caught me writing this and is insisting that I admit that most of the above is BS before posting it. Ok - everything other than the fact that I've been really crook. Ok - I've had a cold. But it was a man cold. Nasty things those.

[DemonWolf]

bahahaaha.. caught out again writing posts.. what a forum whore you are =)

[sels1]

but I've been really crook this week. Some sort of nasty viral infection. .[/I]

Yeah, its been going around here too. My daughter came home from Uni for a few days with it. Guys at work have had it. My eldery mum took a month to get rid of it. Funny how some people get it, and yet their spouse/workmate etc can miss it altogether.

[Virago]

Aah mate,

That little operation is nothing to worry about, just lie back and thing of England (Ms Biff will explain how).

The most difficult bit is shaving the scrotum. I suggest doing it in the bath, take your time and keep your sense of humour handy.

Speaking from personal experience, the worst case scenario is a post-op infection. If this happens you will need large doses of antibiotics, frequent doses of painkillers, and a wheel-barrow to carry your scrotum in. It happened to me - balls so swollen that even gravity hurt!

And to avoid any embarrassment, you must realise that when you go for the later sperm-count, you take the sample with you. The nurses will NOT help you......... .

[XP@]

Aah mate,

That little operation is nothing to worry about, just lie back and thing of England (Ms Biff will explain how).

The most difficult bit is shaving the scrotum. I suggest doing it in the bath, take your time and keep your sense of humour handy.

Speaking from personal experience, the worst case scenario is a post-op infection. If this happens you will need large doses of antibiotics, frequent doses of painkillers, and a wheel-barrow to carry your scrotum in. It happened to me - balls so swollen that even gravity hurt!

And to avoid any embarrassment, you must realise that when you go for the later sperm-count, you take the sample with you. The nurses will NOT help you......... .
Oh, fill me with confidence, why the bloody hell don't you!!!

PS How long was it before you could get your leg over and ride (your bike)
PPS did you look like this...

[Virago]

.......did you look like this...
Yep, just like that, right down the the "designer stubble".

It was a loooonnnnggg time before I was "back in the saddle".

Didn't get the sympathy I wanted either, if I remember rightly Mrs VV said something like "hey cool, pus - can I squeeze it?"

[Mooch]

If I wrote something like this and my wife saw it , I'd be needing more than a doctor !.
Sleeping for 18 hours a day ? How is this any different from any other Pom. Get over it ya big girlie blouse you've just got a cold , thats what you sleaves are for, and those pills the doctor gave you ..... didn't know they still give out jellybeans to the kids ...... :killingme

[Biff]

And to avoid any embarrassment, you must realise that when you go for the later sperm-count, you take the sample with you. The nurses will NOT help you......... .

Ahhh - but I'll probably go private, apparently the cute nurse gives you a copy of Playboy and a hand....


Get over it ya big girlie blouse you've just got a cold , thats what you sleaves are for, and those pills the doctor gave you ..... didn't know they still give out jellybeans to the kids ...... :killingme

Hey - that's a man cold I'll have you know - the one where your arms and legs can drop off. Bloody wimmin think giving birth is bad, they don't know real suffering. :sherlock:

And Mooch, you're sounding more and more like a whinging pom every week. Fight it man.Next think you know you'll be saying, "cor blimey guvnor, I need a sherman tank after seeing the midnight flits on that diamond pearl."

Cockney slang - rep for the first person to decipher it.

[Lou Girardin]

and to top it off Ms Biff is going to take it up the arse for the forseeable future. :woohoo: .[/I]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Yeah right!

My wife's response was when I will, she will. :buggerd: :no:

[yungatart]

, "cor blimey guvnor, I need a sherman tank after seeing the midnight flits on that diamond pearl."

Cockney slang - rep for the first person to decipher it.
Cor blimey guv, I need a wank after seeing the tits on that girl
Do I get rep, do I do I? Aah go on - ya know ya want to.

[myvice]

Similar thing...
Crushed my left testicle in a work accident, had to ride my XJ550 over EVERY pothole on the 30+k trip home.
Even the Doc went "Shhhii, that must of hurt!"
Ok now, and my left hand cornering technique is pretty good too!
(Lean WAY off the left side, and if you bin it maybe the pain will stop)
I know a couple of guys that have had the snip, mostly painless, back at it the next day..
Man colds can kill! Lucky we are all so hard we can live through them!

[scumdog]

Ah yes, the SNIP!

Nothing like sitting there looking at the giant puffer fish between your legs!!
And then you can examine it for the stitches that need to be removed while you're watching TV with your feet up - but not during the Simpsons 'cos the jiggling when you laugh kinda hurts. :rofl:

Gives you a temporary 'macho' look when you walk - you have the 'John Wayne' swagger!! (Girls at work use to say "Howdy Pardner" as I walked past them - bitches!). :motu:

When you have to take that 'sample' to the Dr. make sure you fill a 1kg clear container with wall-paper paste, label it 'semen sample' and carry it in plain view when you walk into the reception area and say in a loud voice "Hrmmph, just into to get this sample looked at, it's my post-vasectomy sample, I hope there's enough here" :rofl: :rofl: :woohoo:

Enjoy!! :wait:

[zadok]

When you have to take that 'sample' to the Dr. make sure you fill a 1kg clear container with wall-paper paste, label it 'semen sample' and carry it in plain view when you walk into the reception area and say in a loud voice "Hrmmph, just into to get this sample looked at, it's my post-vasectomy sample, I hope there's enough here" :rofl: :rofl: :woohoo: Enjoy!! :wait:
On that subject and I don't know how true it is (Heard it on a radio station), but the group 10cc were supposed to have got their name from the amount sperm emitted on ejaculation. Doesn't sound much.

[scumdog]

On that subject and I don't know how true it is (Heard it on a radio station), but the group 10cc were supposed to have got their name from the amount sperm emitted on ejaculation. Doesn't sound much.

No, but look at acreage of wet sticky mess it can make! Bloody amazing eh? a 'wet spot' the size of Texas from 10cc!! :motu:

[Virago]

On that subject and I don't know how true it is (Heard it on a radio station), but the group 10cc were supposed to have got their name from the amount sperm emitted on ejaculation. Doesn't sound much.
So that's what, a small dessert-spoon full? So why can't they swallow it?

[yungatart]

So that's what, a small dessert-spoon full? So why can't they swallow it?
Why "they" - can't you reach?

[oldrider]

This thread is therapeutic, I feel better already. Funniest one I've read. Cheers John. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Virago]

Why "they" - can't you reach?
Hey, you don't keep a dog and bark yourself.........

[Lou Girardin]

So that's what, a small dessert-spoon full? So why can't they swallow it?

Yeah, what's with that? It's supposedly like a warm oyster, big deal.

[yungatart]

Hey, you don't keep a dog and bark yourself.........
Just think of the "self satisfaction" tho, if you did.

[onearmedbandit]

So that's what, a small dessert-spoon full? So why can't they swallow it?

Sounds like you've got the wrong woman.

[MSTRS]

Sounds like you've got the wrong woman.
Haven't we all??

[scumdog]

Haven't we all??

Not this boy! :msn-wink: :niceone: :innocent:

[MSTRS]

Yessss, itsssss a nasssty trick wot they pullsssss on usssssss until theys got usss 'trapped'. Nassssssty womensesss

[yungatart]

MSTRS I have NEVER pulled anyting on you, trick or otherwise!
( and after reading this prolly never will either!)

[MSTRS]

MSTRS I have NEVER pulled anyting on you, trick or otherwise!
( and after reading this prolly never will either!)
Yep, like I always say. "If you want something done, ya gotta do it yourself"
within certain limits of course

[Virago]

Yeah, what's with that? It's supposedly like a warm oyster, big deal.
But hey, there's nothing more endearing than that first attempt at swallowing, when she chokes and it comes out her nose.......

[onearmedbandit]

Haven't we all??

No not me, have done incredibly well for myself!

[scumdog]

No not me, have done incredibly well for myself!

Well that's TWO of us that feel we have the right woman, what about the rest of you??

Oh, by the way C.B. is an "11" :msn-wink: :whistle: :love:

[Virago]

Hey, all joking aside, V=V is one very happy (and lucky) man :love:

[oldrider]

Not really into Vintage, except for Mrs O/R. She still rocks but we gotta be jump started now and then. :spudflip: Ohh well. Cheers John

[Lou Girardin]

But hey, there's nothing more endearing than that first attempt at swallowing, when she chokes and it comes out her nose.......

That means she's full.

[Biff]

Not this boy! :msn-wink: :niceone: :innocent:

Dude - there's going to come a day when I may meet up with CB, and I'd like you to know that when we do meet, possibly being introduced to me by your good self, I will, at that particular instant say to myself, "she swallows". Thanks. :woohoo:

[Lias]

That means she's full.

Girlfriends are like colds, everybody gets one from time to time. Sometimes you can shake em in a couple of days, sometimes it takes fucking weeks. They can stop you having a good time, stop you going to the pub. You can even catch diseases cos you've got one, but if her nose starts running it means she's full.