A moral dilema.

[Biff]

Some months ago a neighbour of mine complained that his PC was acting, "strange", so I offered to take a look at it for him. It didn’t take me long to realise that his PC was infested with spyware & weird dial ups. I dug a bit deeper and found that the majority of his problems were due to the fact that he was visiting a lot of gay porn sites. Now this guy is over 60, and his wife had recently threatened to kick him out as he'd been receiving mail from some gay porn sites and gay dating sites.

He was embarrassed when I discovered this, but I played it down, and went along with his claim that he was simply being bombarded by gay spam, despite the fact that he'd entered his credit card details into at least one of these sites, and was also being contacted by other elderly gay guys looking for "friendship".

I cleared up his PC, removed the spyware, dialups and rather graphic images stored in his temp files, but I explained to him that while I could set up some filters to block incoming mail from specific addresses he'd have to either cancel his subscription to some of these sites, or at least use another mail account to receive these mails, one that his wife didn't know about. It came as no surprise that he chose the latter option, so I set up a Hotmail account for his gay mail.

Now his wife is a lovely lady, and is always keen to help us with dropping off number 1 son to school should I be away, bring our washing in if its raining while we're out etc etc. This morning she really put me on the spot. Mr Neighbour asked me over again (as he does every couple of weeks) as his wife was out, complaining that his PC was acting "weird" again. There was nothing wrong with his PC, he simply didn’t like the way his Thunderbird e-mail prog displayed a preview of messages. His wife came home just as I finished up she walked into the house with a smile on her face, until she saw the both of us at his PC. I made my apologies and left. A minute or so later she came to our house while I was fiddling in the garage. She asked me to promise her that I’d tell her if Mr Neighbour was looking at gay porn sites or was contacted any prospective gay 'friends'. I played dumb, and mildly shocked at the thought that Mr Neighbour was interested in such things. She appeared really sad and confused.

So - how do I play it. Pretend I know nothing? Tell him I wont help him any more? Tell her? (I don’t like the last option - as it's none of my business IMO.)

[Sniper]

Its really up to them I would think. I would politely tell the elderly gent that his wife has an idea that he is "up to no good" and to either hide the fact more thoroughly or confront her. Its not a comfortable position to be in mate. And unfortunatly I havent been in the situation to help. I suppose it all comes down to who you like more? Old ladies bake nice cakes :devil2:

[Jantar]

Yes, this is a question of ethics, and the correct response both ethically (and I believe legally) is to NOT promise to tell her anything. The interception of an electronic message is the same as the interception of a radio message, and in the latter case it is illegal to pass the contents of a comunication to a person for whom it was not intended.

Possibly your best option is to tell the husband that you are aware of the contacts he is making, and ask him to tell his wife himself. I doubt that he will, but that is as much as you can do.

I wouldn't like to be placed in your predicament.

[MSTRS]

Hmmmmm....seems to me that this is a situation that you'd be best not buying into. I'd tell the guy that what he does is his business but that you won't help to fix his PC problems anymore. Or....tell him that if he does ask again, that you will feel honour-bound to let his wife know what is going on (it is likely that she will feel that you are part of a gaypornring if you don't). Tough one tho whatever you do.

[WINJA]

I THINK FOR A DECENT PERSON LIKE YOURSELF YOUR FUCKED NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, HE SHOULDNT BE HIDING THIS FROM HIS WIFE THOUGH ITS THE NEW MILLINIUM AND BEING GAY IS NO BIG DEAL , NO ONE EVEN CARES ANY MORE , HE SHOULD JUST TELL HER HE LOOKS AT GAY PORN , IF ITS ANY MORE THAN THAT LIKE MEETING GUYS ETC THEN HES A CUNT AND DESERVES A TAKE DOWN

[onearmedbandit]

Don't make it your problem Biff. He needs to talk to his wife regarding his situation, it is, as you said, not your business to get involved. You might have to stop going over and 'cleaning' his computer out though sorry Biff!!

[SixPackBack]

EXTORTION.....

[mstriumph]

tsk tsk - this was a serious thread until .............. :no:
EXTORTION.....

[Big Dave]

Why don't you do something discreet and post the story of his indiscretions on the internet.
Winja is right again - dammit

[mstriumph]

yeah - what sniper said .......... and tell him to sort his own computer problems out in future because his wife's a nice lady and you do NOT want to get in the middle of all this :oi-grr: [cakes and all that ......]
Its really up to them I would think. I would politely tell the elderly gent that his wife has an idea that he is "up to no good" and to either hide the fact more thoroughly or confront her. Its not a comfortable position to be in mate. And unfortunatly I havent been in the situation to help. I suppose it all comes down to who you like more? Old ladies bake nice cakes :devil2:

[curious george]

you do NOT want to get in the middle of all this :oi-grr: [cakes and all that ......]
Sorry MSTriumph, had to change colour...

Bit late for that.
He's in it alright. He's helped his friend, and lied to the wife.
Sooner or later, he's gonna get caught. Simple as that. Unless he stops looking.
So, the options are:
1: Hope he stops it.
2: Have a big sitdown talk with the wife, in his own time, when he can prepare what he has to say.

His wife might hate it, but if he is honest with her, and involves her in his 'other life' she might be able to live with it.
It's the lies and deception that will destroy whatever they have left.
Chances are, if she rumbles him, it's all over rover.

[Big Dave]

Chances are, if she rumbles him, it's all over rover.

Oh? there was beastiality involved too?

[Skyryder]

I think you have two choices Biff. Refuse to to fix his computer and tell him the reasons why. Seems you have a good neighbourly relationship so he may understand your dilema. Second choice say nothing and when he needs your help agree on the understanding that this will require the deletion of all the porn sites. If the shit hits the fan you can say in all honesty that you deleted the sites and his computer is clean when you left it. Tell him that this is the shit that is causing the problems and next time he can go and pay someone. That way you have left his computer in a state that is acceptable to yourself.

If the wife finds out claim confidentiality. She'll be wanting as much support as pos.

Stay sharp with this Biff and all will work out.


Hope this helps


Skyryder

[mstriumph]

no prob about the colour ----- i really am going to have to practice being a little more drab [and more easily read :oi-grr: ].......

yerse, believe you are right he IS already involved - i was being optimistic i guess

also - i'm guessing the wife already has strong suspicions - poor woman must be going thru hell .....

and i guess the thing that upsets me most is that, with everyone keeping her in the dark, the lady is not being allowed any choice to go or to stay ...

... but is it Biff's place to tell her? i can't believe it is?

but, then again on the other hand, i'm female and in the same position i'd want someone [anyone] to tell me? .......... sorry biff, guess this isn't much help you are damned if you do and damned if you don't ...

the neighbour needs a good kicking - not for his gender curiosity but because he obviously doesn't care who gets hurt in this enough to manage it better
Sorry MSTriumph, had to change colour...

Bit late for that.
He's in it alright. He's helped his friend, and lied to the wife.
Sooner or later, he's gonna get caught. Simple as that. Unless he stops looking.
So, the options are:
1: Hope he stops it.
2: Have a big sitdown talk with the wife, in his own time, when he can prepare what he has to say.

His wife might hate it, but if he is honest with her, and involves her in his 'other life' she might be able to live with it.
It's the lies and deception that will destroy whatever they have left.
Chances are, if she rumbles him, it's all over rover.

[mstriumph]

not until YOU got involved here there wasn't :rofl:
Oh? there was beastiality involved too?

[Beemer]

I pretty much agree with everyone else here, you have to take a step away because it isn't your fight, so to speak. What the guy gets up to in his own home is his business, but when it starts to affect other people - in this instance, his wife - then he needs to be made aware that there is a problem. The wife is obviously pretty sure there is something going on and I know if I were in her position I would want to know for sure. I'm not saying the guy has been doing anything more than looking at gay porn, but if he has taken his interest further, he could be endangering his wife if he is not taking precautions.

Tell him you are happy to help out with his computer problems, but you don't want to lie to his wife. If he realises his wife knows what is going on, he may have the courage to talk to her about it. To me it is no different to adultery - if he was mucking around behind her back with another woman, she has a right to know. But you shouldn't be placed in the situation of being the one to tell her, it should be her husband.

[madboy]

If we just stick to the dilemma you face, which is essentially how this affects you. Forget how it affects them, that's something they need to work out.

Be honest to him that you don't want to get in the middle of it, and the more you play with his PC, the more you'll end up in the middle of it. So bye bye freebie neighbour fixes.

[LB]

.
.
Good luck Biff.

Like everyone says, this is definitely not an easy situation to be in. I think the "no more fixing" response is probably the best one - sooner or later if he keeps going to the sites his wife will find out. I feel very sorry for her, he should at least be honest about it with her.
.
.

[erik]

Sounds like a bloody tough situation.
It's not right for the husband to be hiding that stuff behind his wife's back IMHO.

Maybe you could suggest they go to a marriage counsellor or something?

Sounds like the wife pretty much knows already that something is up, she just needs confirmation.

[750Y]

lmao, dude you are getting played. wait till she starts confiding her defunct sex life(in far too much detail) while he's hiding in the closet!
good luck bro, just shitting ya, what would i know...
I would tell her You don't wanna know about this shit & tell him too. tell them to sort their own shit out, what are You? a freakin relationship therapist?

[Korumba]

I made my apologies and left. A minute or so later she came to our house while I was fiddling in the garage. )

Just dont Fiddle with yourself in the Garage!

Sorry Man...Just stay out of it !!!!!!

She Knows what hes doing, and the computer will be only a small part of the crap they are going through..

[Zed]

So - how do I play it. Pretend I know nothing? Tell him I wont help him any more? Tell her? (I don’t like the last option - as it's none of my business IMO.)Unless you want to act as the mediator to help them sort out their marital issue/s, you should definately separate yourself from helping him with his computer from now on IMO.

How embarrassing for you though Biff...:o

[Grinner]

Biff
You have already decided. You 'played dumb' when she asked.

Honesty is always best.
If she asks again either a) tell her what he is up to or b) tell her you are uncomfortable discussing it with her and she should talk to her hubby.

The other thing is to realise that she already knows otherwise she wouldn't have asked.

[Jackrat]

Biff,you tell the woman about it,she'll dump on you.
She already knows anyway,she also probably thinks your a lying sod.
Because you are "Sorry".
Tell the old git to sort out his own shit an if his wife hits you up again don't bullshit her,tell her the whole thing makes you feel VERY uncomfortable an you'll be having nothing more to do with her husbands PC.That will confirm what she already knows an might protect you from the inevitable stab in the back you'll get from telling a woman something she knows but doesn't want to hear.
But then wait till he tells her YOU set up a new email account.
He's going to,you know that right??? :no:

[Biff]

Thanks guys n gals. No easy fix - but I've decided that following advice here, and by thinking about it today, I'll opt for not helping him out with his PC any more, if the problem involves trying to cover his tracks. I don't need this shite. And I don't want to be part of his ongoing dishonesty/denial to his wife.

Cheers all.

[Zed]

...I'll opt for not helping him out with his PC any more, if the problem involves trying to cover his tracks. I don't need this shite. And I don't want to be part of his ongoing dishonesty/denial to his wife.Good move! :done:

[SixPackBack]

we agree on something Zed!

[Big Dave]

Or you could just 'out' the old fag. :rofl:

[riffer]

Good call Biff. That's what my wife and I agreed you should do when we discussed it tonight.

Much more interesting than Jeremy Clarkson... :yawn:

[Storm]

Better you than me in that situation mate. Just happy you've made a decision

[SPORK]

Good call Biff. That's what my wife and I agreed you should do when we discussed it tonight.

Much more interesting than Jeremy Clarkson... :yawn:
Getting chased by a tank, or playing car soccer?

I think not! Best episode so far, in my awful opinion!

[oldrider]

Biff, how would it be if you were doing the work on his computer as a professional service? Would things be any different? The only thing you have got mixed up in is the "personal" deceit between two mutual friends. I would not tell her before I set ground rules with him. Him being a Gay isn't a problem it's his deception and he is making his problem your problem. Good Luck. Cheers John.

[Lou Girardin]

Have you wondered why he's asking you over to fix his PC, knowing that you'll see his gay inclinations.
I think he likes you Biff.

[Lias]

Odds are its going to come back to bite you no matter what you do.

A few years ago a mate of mine got me to clean up his parents PC, and I found similar stuff.. spyware, and a healthy dose of gay porn sites in the cache. My mate was sitting there next to me at the time and he knew what he was seeing, but he didnt want to confront his parents and that was FINE with me.

Then a few years later I got a phone call out of the blue from him, he was really upset and put his mum on the phone , demanding I told her what I'd see on the PC. Seem's after some straw had snapped my mate had turned around and accused his father of abusing him as a kid, and was using the gay porn as "evidence" to his mum.

Shit got very messy in that famiily, and my mate and his parents/brother all but stopped talking to each other for the next 2 years or so, they are sort of talking again now but I wish I'd never cleaned up that computer.

[scumdog]

Thanks guys n gals. No easy fix - but I've decided that following advice here, and by thinking about it today, I'll opt for not helping him out with his PC any more, if the problem involves trying to cover his tracks. I don't need this shite. And I don't want to be part of his ongoing dishonesty/denial to his wife.

Cheers all.

Good choice!!
Unfortunately you have already been put in a delima (sp?0 by not revealing what you knew to the wife and your response to her my 'bite you on the bum' (probably not the ideal choice of words) when the 'poo hits the fan' (again) and he tells her you knew all along.

Good Luck.

[Biff]

Have you wondered why he's asking you over to fix his PC, knowing that you'll see his gay inclinations.
I think he likes you Biff.

Don't you start. Ms Biff has already made similar comments, especially as he always appears to come over for a 'chat' when I've got my leathers on ready to go for a ride....



Unfortunately you have already been put in a delima.

Yup - I've probably already made an arse of myself. His wife already has an idea that he has an 'interest' in other guys, so she probably thinks I'm liar. Which I obviously am because I didn't grass him up. And now I feel like a cnt.

As a rather wise KBer has just said to me, "the road hell is paved with good intentions."

[ManDownUnder]

Thanks guys n gals. No easy fix - but I've decided that following advice here, and by thinking about it today, I'll opt for not helping him out with his PC any more, if the problem involves trying to cover his tracks. I don't need this shite. And I don't want to be part of his ongoing dishonesty/denial to his wife.

Cheers all.
Good move

I'd let him know you are now caught in a bind between a conflicting set of requirements. You were honoring an implicit need for discretion toward him, but now his wife has forced you into a no win position.

There is a BIG difference between Privacy and secrecy in a relationship, something that was private to this guy has now become a secret between him and you.

Let him know that you won't help any more (as you have) and also let him know that if he needs help with his dilemma there are a number of professional people that can help him, and his wife, and their relatinship, make the best of this awkward situation.

It's his problem chap... not yours, you just happen to have been stuck in the middle of it all.

Turn it on it's head - what would you want to happen if you were that guy, and your neighbour rumbled some secret that could cause disaster at home? He could well be shitting bricks right now and the fact is that he'll either need to face up to it, or stop playing silly buggers.

Good luck dude, and nice to see you oin a serious thread for a change!
MDU

[Lou Girardin]

Don't you start. Ms Biff has already made similar comments, especially as he always appears to come over for a 'chat' when I've got my leathers on ready to go for a ride....


Then it's beyond dispute. Did you see any of his porn sites?
Lots of leather freaks in them perhaps?
You can really worry when he starts hinting for a ride on the pillion.

[Beemer]

Have you wondered why he's asking you over to fix his PC, knowing that you'll see his gay inclinations.
I think he likes you Biff.

I was going to raise this point but figured I'd be flamed for lowering the tone of the thread! But now that Lou has mentioned it, mmn, makes sense! Perhaps he's hoping you'll spill the beans to his wife, she'll move out and he can move you in! :rofl: :dodge:

[Biff]

Then it's beyond dispute. Did you see any of his porn sites?
Lots of leather freaks in them perhaps?

You're right, he did appear to have a thing for leather clad freaks. I think his favourite site was something like www.leathercladbikersthatworkinbikeshops.com. :Pokey:

[sir.pratt]

That link doesn't work.

[Wolf]

That link doesn't work.
Probably because it's the same as www.biffisgettingatlouagain.com

[Lou Girardin]

You're right, he did appear to have a thing for leather clad freaks. I think his favourite site was something like www.leathercladbikersthatworkinbikeshops.com. :Pokey:

Holy shit! I'm glad I wear masculine textile then.

BTW Who else was praying that the Challenger on Top Gear had a live one up the spout?

[duckman]

Holy shit! I'm glad I wear masculine textile then.

BTW Who else was praying that the Challenger on Top Gear had a live one up the spout?

I hope that old guy doesn't have a "live one" up HIS spout for ya Biff !!! :rofl:

[Lou Girardin]

I hope that old guy doesn't have a "live one" up HIS spout for ya Biff !!! :rofl:

It's 120mm Biff. That's diameter, big boy.

[ajturbo]

must
remember
NOT to
get
biff
to
"fix"
my
Computer...

[Big Dave]

Holy shit! I'm glad I wear masculine textile then.


I have potentially embarrassing photographic evidence to the contrary. Blackmail's an ugly word Lou, lets just call it 'image protection'.....

[RiderInBlack]

Just as well it wasn't child porn. I'd be calling the Cops.

As it is, it's not your problem.

Don't answer these (I have my own thoughts about them), but thought these questions are ones you should ask yourself it relation to your nextdoor naughbours problem:

If you looking at porn are you being unfaithful to your partner?

Does it matter if it is gay or straight porn, if would make you partner unhappy if they knew you activily watching it?

Does watching porn improve your relationship with your partner?

The answers to these all change depending on you relationship with your partner (and both of your views relating to porn).

At the end of the day it is up to your naugbour to deal with the problem.
Just tell him:
Because you value both of them as naugbours and do not wish ruin this, that you recommend that he get an IT technician to come out to fix his PC "problems" in the future, as you do not like being put on the spot with his wife covering for him.
Add: That you hope he unstands this as you don't know how long you can maintain successfully lying to his wife.

[Lou Girardin]

I have potentially embarrassing photographic evidence to the contrary. Blackmail's an ugly word Lou, lets just call it 'image protection'.....

Wearing certain clothing as required by my employer doesn't count. Besides, it's already been in the national press, so do your worst. :motu:

And remember that there are photos in existance of a certain large photographer person wearing a flourescent pink waistband.

[Big Dave]

Wearing certain clothing as required by my employer doesn't count. Besides, it's already been in the national press, so do your worst. :motu:

And remember that there are photos in existance of a certain large photographer person wearing a flourescent pink waistband.


It was orange.