Ask Uncle for shit advice

[husaberg]

Ok here is the premise
As I am a noisy opinionated arsehole.
I often give people advice that they neither want or ask for.
So I have decided it is well time to start this agony uncle thread.
Ask me what you should do I will give you a straight answer…One based on my years of f-ing up everyday situations........

[blackdog]

Not sure, but Madness might still need some advice about his anal warts.

[FJRider]

Not sure, but Madness might still need some advice about his anal warts.

Do what you've always done in the past ... and lick them ... :bleh:


He said it has always worked in the past ... :shifty:

[husaberg]

Not sure, but Madness might still need some advice about his anal warts.


Do what you've always done in the past ... and lick them ... :bleh:


He said it has always worked in the past ... :shifty:

First things first tell your sexual partners which by the subsequent posts Madness has .

Then glue on some domes and call them piercings........

[Laava]

Hey uncle hooser, I am thinking about buying a valiant. What is wrong with me?

[george formby]

Hey uncle hooser, I am thinking about buying a valiant. What is wrong with me?

Your not very good at starting a name with a capital?

The last year or two I've noticed that my nasal hair is growing profusely. Wax or trim?

[avgas]

Where do you keep the keys?

[husaberg]

Where do you keep the keys?
On the key ring. i think the question is where did you put them, ask ya wife she will find them, call it a conversation and it will accumulate brownie points, offer to help her look for bonus points.

[husaberg]

The last year or two I've noticed that my nasal hair is growing profusely. Wax or trim?

Use Veet it has great reviews.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. ............

[husaberg]

Hey uncle hooser, I am thinking about buying a valiant. What is wrong with me?

Ok i think you might be about to land a staring role in brokeback mountain.....
Question is just which one should you buy .
Ask you last conquest just how small your penis is, then decide if you need a Hemi Charger or not?;)

[Smifffy]

Your not very good at starting a name with a capital?

The last year or two I've noticed that my nasal hair is growing profusely. Wax or trim?

Apparently neither is named one...and questions:

Mineral or synthetic?

Wave or don't wave?

Cruiser or sports?

KB needs definitive answers, oh sage one. In fact I'm surprised there aren't threads about these already. :lol:

[Grizzo]

Hey Uncle Hooser, what does it mean when the itchy bits happen in the underpants region?

[husaberg]

Mineral or synthetic? baby oil extra virgin use only fresh babies......


Wave or don't wave? hairsyles up to you, but the helmet should cover it:oi-grr:


Cruiser or sports? if you have to even consider cruisers i think you need a professional. ;)

[ellipsis]

...why is it that sometimes life seems so superficial, boring and really getting to be like a second hand chocolate fish, when in reality we all know it is super exciting and loads and loads of fun, and sometime soon it will all unfold and and all your dreams and aspirations are just moments away from being fulfilled...

[husaberg]

Hey Uncle Hooser, what does it mean when the itchy bits happen in the underpants region?

It means its time to itch them in public like a real man............

[skippa1]

First things first tell your sexual partners which by the subsequent posts Madness has .

Then glue on some domes and call them piercings........

Looks normal to me....just missing the blood

[husaberg]

...why is it that sometimes life seems so superficial, boring and really getting to be like a second hand chocolate fish, when in reality we all know it is super exciting and loads and loads of fun, and sometime soon it will all unfold and and all your dreams and aspirations are just moments away from being fulfilled...

I think you should stop reading facebook and tell your wife its time you had more blow jobs.......start with 3 a day and see a prostitute if the symptoms persist....

[husaberg]

Looks normal to me....just missing the blood
You think he should just harden up.............So just how often to you see his scrotum skippa

[skippa1]

You think he should just harden up.............So just how often to you see his scrotum skippa

I can only speak for mine....too old to get to see others

[husaberg]

I can only speak for mine....too old to get to see others

You realise its rude to look at others in the urinals aye...........only a nod and a comment about the footy is acceptable.
anything more is a slippery slope to George Micheal...........

[skippa1]

You realise its rude to look at others in the urinals aye...........only a nod and a comment about the footy is acceptable.
anything more is a slippery slope to George Micheal...........

Nothing wrong with making a genuine comparison

[Mom]

My husband thinks I look like an Armish bloke after I forked out some $$$ today for a hair cut. Should I be worried? Or just embrace his "kinky" side? :innocent:

[husaberg]

Nothing wrong with making a genuine comparison

How often do you often carry around a bar of soap?

[skippa1]

How often do you often carry around a bar of soap?

How often do you think about me carrying around soap?

[husaberg]

My husband thinks I look like an Armish bloke after I forked out some $$$ today for a hair cut. Should I be worried? Or just embrace his "kinky" side? :innocent:

I don't know, is he still able to maintain an erection with an armish bloke?
Yes You should definitely try some more kinky stuff.........
you could always just blindfold him or maybe just suggest a threesome with Portia de Rossi...
https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTkvCjQ4cMLj4TclEAgWuCF3J2IKulpj IGDj2i39-ji_-bhWVOu

[husaberg]

How often do you think about me carrying around soap?

I haven't yet........

[skippa1]

I haven't yet........

I think you might be......​George.....is that you?

[husaberg]

I think you might be......​George.....is that you?

I'm not that kind of "uncle" i think you need a priest.......

[Laava]

Ok i think you might be about to land a staring role in brokeback mountain.....
Question is just which one should you buy .
Ask you last conquest just how small your penis is, then decide if you need a Hemi Charger or not?;)

Hey! You are goood! That really is shit advice. Thinking of getting one of these, hope I am on the right track!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y9LLsgYJEo&sns=em

[Laava]

Kin double post stuff

[husaberg]

Hey! You are goood! That really is shit advice. Thinking of getting one of these, hope I am on the right track!


Thanks but consider this do really you have enough mullet to pull of a yank ute.............
Unless you are inconceivably under-endowed stick with a Japanese one.....

[Laava]

Been no mullet on my head for decades! More like a sun fish!

[husaberg]

Been no mullet on my head for decades! More like a sun fish!

Well then no ute for you, have to get yourself a cortina or something like that.........

[george formby]

Been no mullet on my head for decades! More like a sun fish!

Saw a Sun fish t'other day. You did not spring to mind. Saw a Puffer fish when I was spear fishing. Take the spines off.....

How do I recover from this? She flashed her Map'o Tassie!

<iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=67237ef6f969" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/only-in-the-territory/bum-salute-welcomes-ghan-again/story-fnk2tg5d-1226818301416

[SMOKEU]

What's the best way of getting rid of a dead hooker?

[husaberg]

How do I recover from this? She flashed her Map'o Tassie!



I suggest you jerk off over the ABC weather-girl shes hot.............

[Laava]

Well then no ute for you, have to get yourself a cortina or something like that.........

Oh it wasn,t the ute I was after!

[husaberg]

Oh it wasn,t the ute I was after!

was it i shudder to ask........... the bloke then?
You can't have the rail cause it doesn't have mudguards silly....

[husaberg]

What's the best way of getting rid of a dead hooker?

Keep her alive till shes finished digging her own grave first.. if you couldn't wait.......Use Pigs of course....
The only problem is after you have successfully got rid of the first one, you will only want to make more dead hookers.

[caspernz]

If my bravo drops me off with a 60 mil mortar and 81 mil ammo...does he want me to just harden up, or is he trying to get rid of me?

[husaberg]

If my bravo drops me off with a 60 mil mortar and 81 mil ammo...does he want me to just harden up, or is he trying to get rid of me?

I am not sure the ammo will fit, I suggest for you to tap them in with a Bigboy Hammer........

[caspernz]

I am not sure the ammo will fit, I suggest for you to tap them in with a Bigboy Hammer........

Aaahh thank you, come to think of it...his wifey liked my big boy hammer, so maybe he's worked it out...:angry::sick:

[husaberg]

Aaahh thank you, come to think of it...his wifey liked my big boy hammer, so maybe he's worked it out...:angry::sick:

Nar They never do until you bang her in front of him...........

[Katman]

Edbear's already done a thread like this.

His advice was shit too.

[Laava]

Saw a Puffer fish when I was spear fishing. Take the spines off.....

Buster Gonad? I know you know what I am talking about!

[husaberg]

Edbear's already done a thread like this.

His advice was shit too.

Very good and everyone said you were not funny...........oh well Democracy rules:woohoo:

[caspernz]

My mind is often on tits and arse...so why does the "less is more" maxim sound confusing in that context to me?

And I did a double take the other day at a long haired cyclist with a lovely posterior. Turned out it was a bloke with shaved legs :weep:

Which bible college should I apply to?

[husaberg]

My mind is often on tits and arse...so why does the "less is more" maxim sound confusing in that context to me?

And I did a double take the other day at a long haired cyclist with a lovely posterior. Turned out it was a bloke with shaved legs :weep:

Which bible college should I apply to?

Never mind the less is more, Their are exceptions to all rules
More and often is a theory i subscribe to.
It always makes me laugh when women imply to me guys can't multitask...
"Its like lady of course we can, i just undressed you with my eyes and held a lucid conversation with you about your Cat, for FS..."(well i think it was her cat i got side tracked when she said pussy)

Re the cyclist most mainstream ones are "OUT" for you I'm afraid.....
But seeing as you like guys on pushbikes maybe time to consider becoming a Mormon

[MIXONE]

I keep having thoughts of a sadistic,necrophyliac,beastiality variety.
Am I flogging a dead horse?

[husaberg]

I keep having thoughts of a sadistic,necrophyliac,beastiality variety.
Am I flogging a dead horse?

Maybe should should start your own thread instead of reading my own sick jokes:lol:

Necrophilia -Best ever date for valentines no need to bring flowers cause she already has plenty.

Necrophilia -You can be pretty sure she can't get pregnant..

Necrophilia - putting the FUN into funeral.....

Necrophilia-putting the 'mating' into cremating.

Necrophilia - putting the rot in erotic .

Necrophilia - Thinking inside the box.

Necrophilia- Better late than never.

Necrophilia. I dig it.

Necrophilia isn't rape, it's recycling.

Necrophilia is dead boring....Try incest, it's only relatively boring.

Necrophilia: where pulling the plug is considered foreplay.

At what point does CPR become Necrophilia? Probably when you stick your cock in.

Remember - It's not Necrophilia if she's on life support!

Lastly a little Necrophilia never killed anyone.

But my all time fav is this one, tell it to your mum she will laugh her tits off..

So I was eating this woman out once and I tasted horse semen, so I think to myself so that's how you died grandma?

[skippa1]

What are the winning numbers for lotto this week?

[husaberg]

What are the winning numbers for lotto this week?

Tell you on Sunday ok........
Go to the casino and put all your money on Red

if you win use the money to insure grandma, get her pissed and convince her to play Russian roulette with you, the odds are better

[skippa1]

Tell you on Sunday ok........
Go to the casino and put all your money on Red

if you win use the money to insure grandma, get her pissed and convince her to play Russian roulette with you, the odds are better
That's shit advice

[husaberg]

That's shit advice

Thanks Its in the title of the Thread.
Give Mrs Skippa a wink take her to bed, mount her from behind then Tell her.
Shit Maryanne The diet not working and its about time she exercised more, cause her sister/co-worker etc had a much nicer ass.
Time yourself how long it takes before she bucks you off.;)
Go on... i know you want to...last time i did it to her said she thought it was great............:cool:

[skippa1]

Thanks Its in the title of the Thread.
Give Mrs Skippa a wink take her to bed, mount her from behind then Tell her.
Shit Maryanne The diet not working and its about time she exercised more, cause her sister/co-worker etc had a much nicer ass.
Time yourself how long it takes before she bucks you off.;)
Go on... i know you want to...last time i did it to her said she thought it was great............:cool:

Fuck its nothing more than a dried arrangement now. Used to shoot like a gun, it's like a budgie being sick now:weep:

[husaberg]

Fuck its nothing more than a dried arrangement now. Used to shoot like a gun, it's like a budgie being sick now:weep:

Considered more prozac in your coffee?
Never mind its valentines next week so i think you should deflower a virgin. ya got any hot looking nieces in New Plymouth:drool:

[caspernz]

Never mind the less is more, Their are exceptions to all rules
More and often is a theory i subscribe to.
It always makes me laugh when women imply to me guys can't multitask...
"Its like lady of course we can, i just undressed you with my eyes and held a lucid conversation with you about your Cat, for FS..."(well i think it was her cat i got side tracked when she said pussy)

Re the cyclist most mainstream ones are "OUT" for you I'm afraid.....
But seeing as you like guys on pushbikes maybe time to consider becoming a Mormon

So I should just stick to perving at the girls on the treadmills at the gym? They seem a little perturbed by the T-shirt with handcuffs and ballgag on it for some reason...any suggestions on what T-shirts I should wear?

The training program for one religious sector just looked like a pain in the arse...:innocent:...and a classic case of do as I say, don't do as I do :sweatdrop

[ellipsis]

...your advice, true to it's name, is shit...and shit...etc...yours faithfully... not....

[husaberg]

So I should just stick to perving at the girls on the treadmills at the gym? They seem a little perturbed by the T-shirt with handcuffs and ballgag on it for some reason...any suggestions on what T-shirts I should wear?

The training program for one religious sector just looked like a pain in the arse...:innocent:...and a classic case of do as I say, don't do as I do :sweatdrop

Firsty things first you sick Freak........

The best place for perving you amateur is the stairmaster........
Handcuff are for posers .....
zip ties and duct tape is hat the pro's use turs NO NO into "MMMMMMMMM....mmmmmmmmmmm"

The tee shirt well go for something like this appeals to the milfs as well......
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZCZQXR6BTE0/TwXykb_2uUI/AAAAAAAAU_A/N3Lf5iyhg1M/s1600/this-might-tickle.jpg

Religion FFS Form your own cult...
don't be tied to any mainstream bible-bashing they have all the hot young one all tied up and brainwashed already

[husaberg]

...your advice, true to it's name, is shit...and shit...etc...yours faithfully... not....

Thanks i am glad you took mine though.It was time you came clean.....
I hope your misses feel better now about sharing her underwear with you....:msn-wink:

[caspernz]

Aaahh yes, will go well with my "Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver" singlet.

Shame to see that some others can't see the fun in word play...

[husaberg]

Aaahh yes, will go well with my "Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver" singlet.

Shame to see that some others can't see the fun in word play...

I guess not everyone is that cleaver, some are just not so sharp, I'd hate to be that blunt that i was dull.

[husaberg]

Whats up no one need shit advice anymore..........
Everybody still listening to bloody polly..........

[caspernz]

Whats up no one need shit advice anymore..........
Everybody still listening to bloody polly..........

So I'm going for a helicopter ride tomorrow, can you refresh me on the water bombing technique in windy weather? Been a while since I've done any mortar attacks, let alone yellow water drops from 5000 feet up...using Durex extra strong to ensure integrity from our chosen heights.

The chopper pilot is in on the attack by the way, his suggestion or dare even...:woohoo:

[husaberg]

So I'm going for a helicopter ride tomorrow, can you refresh me on the water bombing technique in windy weather? Been a while since I've done any mortar attacks, let alone yellow water drops from 5000 feet up...using Durex extra strong to ensure integrity from our chosen heights.

The chopper pilot is in on the attack by the way, his suggestion or dare even...:woohoo:

Oh that's a very good question.
Its been awhile, The last advice on helicopter hijinks was how funny it would be to land on the pub roof on Scottish pub, It sure went down a treat:shutup:
I would suggest to aim for a big target such as the Auckland 9's......... or Ohakea what is the worst that could happen........

[caspernz]

Oh that's a very good question.
Its been awhile, The last advice on helicopter hijinks was how funny it would be to land on the pub roof on Scottish pub, It sure went down a treat:shutup:
I would suggest to aim for a big target such as the Auckland 9's......... or Ohakea what is the worst that could happen........

If you see anything on the 6 o'clock news tomorrow that includes the phrase: "And they tried to paint downtown brown from a great height..." it wasn't me. Best I not tell you which heliport we're lifting off from then...:msn-wink:

Will report back tomorrow night.

Anyone know a good lawyer who has experience with aerial bombardment allegations?:sweatdrop:innocent:

[husaberg]

Lawyer try for Shapele Corgies one.. locked up for 9 years in a all girls prison in Thailand on $330000 per year. Eating tuna and chicken Sandbitches Sounds like paradise to me............