feistyredhead
3rd September 2005, 19:29
1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key.'
3. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to rise as digging continues into the night.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $100 (50 quid
for the poms) that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He
said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied,
'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not
unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's
have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start!'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's
either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.' The
other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.' :dodge:
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key.'
3. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to rise as digging continues into the night.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $100 (50 quid
for the poms) that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He
said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied,
'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not
unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's
have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start!'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's
either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.' The
other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.' :dodge: