There's No Problem I Can Handle

[jrandom]

***

with thanks to todays issue of The Onion.

its apropriateness for this forum can be decided by you, Gentle Reader.

***

My life has been a series of problems, and I've handled each one the same way.

As an only child in a privileged home, I had what you would call an idyllic childhood. Everything was always handed to me. When I was 9, my father pulled some strings and got me a paper route. Well, I quickly discovered that tossing the papers while riding a bike was next to impossible, and the weight of the papers exhausted my arms. My first big opportunity in life had presented me with one of my first big problems. How did I handle it? I hid the papers in a gutter and spent the morning crying behind a bush.

Some people look at adversity as a challenge. I'm not one of them. I see adversity like this: menacing, cold-hearted adversity. When life gives me lemons, I wish desperately for lemonade. But as I lack the sugar and ice necessary to make it, the lemons instead rot away in the drawer of the refrigerator until several months later, when I eventually throw them away.

When you're in a bind, I'm precisely the guy you shouldn't count on. When people seek guidance, they look to anyone else but me. Need a shoulder to cry on? I'm nowhere to be found. And when the chips are down, well sir, so am I.

Everybody faces difficulties in life that seem overwhelming, but it is only the rare few—like me, for example—who simply can't do anything about them, no matter how hard they try, until the hopelessness and despair becomes so overwhelming they can't stop themselves from contemplating suicide. Everybody has problems, and there's nothing to be done but to buck up, pull yourself together, curl up into a ball, and give up. For the surrendering you do today only lessens the pain and humiliation of the defeat you will face tomorrow!

Five years ago, my mother gave me the "nudge out of the nest," hoping that, at 35, with a sizeable savings, an apartment in my name, a weekly allowance, a strong back, a set of fine clothes, and my father's connections in the world of business, I might find my way in the world. No sirree. Not me. Like a helpless, flightless baby bird, I sat beak-open on the sidewalk outside of our home crying desperately for my mommy night and day until such time as the authorities were called and I was taken into a group home, where I received the care I need.

As I struggle through my day-to-day existence, which mostly involves lying in bed, I am constantly reminded that no matter what life dishes out, I know deep in my soul that I can't face it. And if you're anything like me, you need to just keep telling yourself that you can't either! Sometimes, when everything seems to be going wrong, I repeat to myself of the old saying, "God doesn't make any bad days, just bad people who are good for nothing, like myself."

Nobody said it was going to be easy, and for me, it's not only not easy, it's impossible. I look in my heart and I ask myself this question: "Why try?" Sure, I know I've been through worse than this before, but everything that doesn't kill me makes me gradually more and more injured over time, until I'm eventually completely debilitated and can do nothing but ineffectually quiver in pain.

When life gets me down, I stay down, hoping to avoid another gut-wrenching blow to the solar plexus. And, when the going gets tough, I bring my knees to my chin and wrap my arms around my head to avoid being trampled to death by all the go-getters who have gotten going!

[Postie]

are you a high school teacher by any chance. i had a religious studies teacher who always seemed on the edge of suicide

[mstriumph]

:drinkup: there is no universally-applicable statement ..... [not even the one i've just made]

[jrandom]

allow me to ellucidate.

this, while written in the first person, was neither authored by, nor is it referring to, myself.

[Postie]

allow me to ellucidate.

this, while written in the first person, was neither authored by, nor is it referring to, myself.
so its just pointless drivel then

[jrandom]

so its just pointless drivel then

not entirely pointless. it exists as a meaningful reflection on life strategy.

there are those that should be able to identify with it.

[Phurrball]

You started a thread Fish!

Good stuff after hassling someone for their lack of pre name-change posts :devil2:

As for the words posted - aahhh, our old friend depression, or perhaps dysthymia depending on who you talk to. Anyone got a copy of DSM IV around??

[Postie]

not entirely pointless. it exists as a meaningful reflection on life strategy.

there are those that should be able to identify with it.
doesn't sound like much of a strategy to me, sounds a lot like the French philosophy, when things get tough, curl up and die, or let some one else fight your battles.

[jrandom]

dysthymia

aka 'somewhere between 3 and 4 drinks'


Anyone got a copy of DSM IV around??

I keep one right here.

theres still almost half of it that I havent managed to find examples of among kb forum members, though...

[James Deuce]

I don't think these people know about The Onion.

It is a vital aid in this Information Age - it Satirises stuf, like what Punch did in the 19th and 20th Centuries.

[Phurrball]

I keep one right here.

theres still almost half of it that I havent managed to find examples of among kb forum members, though...

Care to share your findings thus far? Or do we mere subjects have to wait for your paper?

Who would have thought Rodders would need a copy of DSM IV eh ;)

[jrandom]

... do we mere subjects have to wait for your paper?

Im using uk.rec.motorcycles as a control group.

its going to take a while.


Who would have thought Rodders would need a copy of DSM IV eh ;)

you obviously havent met many of ACTs list candidates.

[James Deuce]

doesn't sound like much of a strategy to me, sounds a lot like the French philosophy, when things get tough, curl up and die, or let some one else fight your battles.

That's a cheap crack and bloody rich coming from someone who hasn't lived in a country that has, except for the last 50 years, experienced warfare and invasion twice per generation and sometimes 2 generations long wars, for the last 500 years.

I get tired of people who come from countries that haven't seen their own people chopped up and strewn across the landscape making cracks about France's apparent predeliction to surrender. Battered National PSyche, fortress mentality, and the better part of a whole generation of men missing wouldn't have anything to do with wanting to curl up in a ball behind a ring of concrete and steel (I know, I know - with gaps) and keep the world out, would it?

I'm off to the Doctor to get my bitch chip removed. It's starting to get me down.

[Phurrball]

you obviously havent met many of ACTs list candidates.

:rofl: Not self-diagnosis then? Some of the more defective members were binned this election IMHO...

[Zed]

My life has been a series of problems, and I've handled each one the same way.Sad mind, sad life, sad story...a reminder to me that some people don't handle 'living' too well let alone dying!

Welcome, to the real world. :bye:

[jrandom]

Welcome, to the real world.

I see you took the red pill...

[Zed]

I see you took the red pill...Nah I took the blue one, but I negotiated the mainframe Zion codes with an Agent so I could be put back into the Matrix as a rich, intelligent, charming, sprotsbike fanatic who spends his days & nites typing lies over the Internet! :blip:

[jrandom]

so I could be put back into the Matrix as a... fanatic...

word, yo.

:innocent:

[Postie]

That's a cheap crack and bloody rich coming from someone who hasn't lived in a country that has, except for the last 50 years, experienced warfare and invasion twice per generation and sometimes 2 generations long wars, for the last 500 years.



i'm from London, i had 3 uncles in the gulf war, my Gradfather was a pilot in WWII and i was 1 mile away from our local train station when it was blown up by the IRA. Does that not count for warfare and invasion?

[Lou Girardin]

That's a cheap crack and bloody rich coming from someone who hasn't lived in a country that has, except for the last 50 years, experienced warfare and invasion twice per generation and sometimes 2 generations long wars, for the last 500 years.

I get tired of people who come from countries that haven't seen their own people chopped up and strewn across the landscape making cracks about France's apparent predeliction to surrender. Battered National PSyche, fortress mentality, and the better part of a whole generation of men missing wouldn't have anything to do with wanting to curl up in a ball behind a ring of concrete and steel (I know, I know - with gaps) and keep the world out, would it?

I'm off to the Doctor to get my bitch chip removed. It's starting to get me down.

Too bloody true.

[Lou Girardin]

i'm from London, i had 3 uncles in the gulf war, my Gradfather was a pilot in WWII and i was 1 mile away from our local train station when it was blown up by the IRA. Does that not count for warfare and invasion?

Not even close.

[Lou Girardin]

There is a school of thought that the depressed are actually seeing the most realistic vision of life.
Optimists, on the other hand, are doomed to continual dissappointment.

[Postie]

Not even close.
so what is?

[SuperDave]

There is a school of thought that the depressed are actually seeing the most realistic vision of life.
Optimists, on the other hand, are doomed to continual dissappointment.

Are you saying that those who are pessimistic are depressed?

[jrandom]

Are you saying that those who are pessimistic are depressed?

no, I think he was just using depression as a less-than-correct synnonym for pessimism.

but hes a grumpy old bastard so I doubt youll get him to admit his mistake...

[James Deuce]

i'm from London, i had 3 uncles in the gulf war, my Gradfather was a pilot in WWII and i was 1 mile away from our local train station when it was blown up by the IRA. Does that not count for warfare and invasion?

As has already been mentioned, no it doesn't. I've relatives that suffered through the same things you mention too, but the last successful invasion of the British Isles (except for a few power shuffles in Ireland, Wales, and Scotland) was 1066. By a bunch of Pseudo-English/Psuedo-French people.

The amount of suffering throughout Europe from 1066 to 1995 far outweighs even the losses suffered during WWI and WWII by Great Britain. Human suffering, misery, war, plague, famine, religious persecution, shifts in the balance of power between warring empires, invasions from the Middle East and Far North East all add up to a pretty sorry bunch of catastrophic "events" that conspired to keep the bulk of European Humanity grovelling in shit for a thousand years.

Great Britain leveraged off this and established a Global Empire and a standard of living for its subjects that led to an outbreak of Democracy. It wasn't all peaches and cream for the average Brit, but they were certainly largely better off than their European counterparts.

[yungatart]

I'm off to the Doctor to get my bitch chip removed. It's starting to get me down.
Nooooh! Don't do that. I, for one, love your "bitch chip", it gives me another perspective on life.

[Lou Girardin]

so what is?

Being French in 1940, or 1914.

[Lou Girardin]

no, I think he was just using depression as a less-than-correct synnonym for pessimism.

but hes a grumpy old bastard so I doubt youll get him to admit his mistake...

No, the article it was mentioned in was discussing depression.
Although, we may soon be including pessimism as a mental illness.
Then the number of sickness beneficiaries will soar. (I'll probably apply too, should ace the diagnosis)

[jrandom]

a pretty sorry bunch of catastrophic "events" that conspired to keep the bulk of European Humanity grovelling in shit for a thousand years.

Great Britain leveraged off this...

hrumm. imho it didnt leverage off the position of continental yew-rope so much as it refined the systems of economics developed during the 17th century or therabouts, which alowed it to create wealth and influince beyond its apparent and obvious natural resorces and population.

the socio-religeous trends that created the society that spawned newton, hooke and smith were probably more important in that achievement than any relative decline of the european powers throughout the 1600s.


certainly largely better off than their European counterparts.

tangentailly, I think that the advantages of an accident of geography, ie, being an island nation, were key.

given the uniting of europe under a single imperial banner, a succesful invasion would have been eventually inevitable, hence the necessity for wellington's efforts and adventures in the iberian peninsula to the end of preventnig that situation from arising.

since that never happened, none of the single nation states on the continent ever quite had the ability to mount such an effort over that thousand years or so.

you will note that nazi germany almost managed to create that situation by 1940, however. without assistance from the New World, britain could have eventually been worn down after some continental consolidation of materiel and resources, although in those circumstances hitler would undoubtedly have preferred a far less expensive truce.

[Sniper]

Very good, thanks Ms Fish.

[Biff]

I don't think these people know about The Onion.

It is a vital aid in this Information Age - it Satirises stuf, like what Punch did in the 19th and 20th Centuries.

And the site is as a default bookmark in Firefox.

[MisterD]

I get tired of people who come from countries that haven't seen their own people chopped up and strewn across the landscape making cracks about France's apparent predeliction to surrender. Battered National PSyche, fortress mentality, and the better part of a whole generation of men missing wouldn't have anything to do with wanting to curl up in a ball behind a ring of concrete and steel (I know, I know - with gaps) and keep the world out, would it?

The French deserve every brick-bat that gets hurled in their general direction. The World War (let's face it it's the same war with a 20 year ceasefire in the middle) was Karma for Napoleon's attempt to conquer europe. It's the Belgians I feel sorry for, sat there minding their own businesss making beer out of anything that can't run away and every few years the rest of Europe uses them as a battlefield....

[James Deuce]

Karma is an invention of a religion that refuses to acknowledge a dirty smelly, cold, uncaring world.

They're not Belgians either. The corect plural is Belgium, as is the adjective. It's a made up country too.

[Postie]

They're not Belgians either. The corect plural is Belgium, as is the adjective. It's a made up country too.


can you elaborate on that? how is it made up?

[Postie]

Being French in 1940, or 1914.
no thanks, would rather shoot myself

[ManDownUnder]

no thanks, would rather shoot myself

I understand that was part of their master plan

[MisterD]

Karma is an invention of a religion that refuses to acknowledge a dirty smelly, cold, uncaring world.

They're not Belgians either. The corect plural is Belgium, as is the adjective. It's a made up country too.

Point taken, sod the french bit, it's the Flemish I do actually feel sorry for....

[cowpoos]

with thanks to todays issue of The Onion.
.......
And, when the going gets tough, I bring my knees to my chin and wrap my arms around my head to avoid being trampled to death by all the go-getters who have gotten going!

its hard to get things...if they are already given?

but would it create a life habbit...or is it and excuse?

or is it a comfort zone isusse.......

It feels like a puzzle....FISH....please enlighten us to this excersise?

[jrandom]

it's the Flemish I do actually feel sorry for....

my doctor usually just prescribes an expectorant.

[jrandom]

first of all, Mr Poos, that was an egregiously long quote. edit it down a bit lest the quote police come and place their quote batons in your rectum rather less gently and greasily than you might prefer.


It feels like a puzzle....FISH....please enlighten us to this excersise?

stick to riding motorcycles, old boy; your missing a satire gland.

[thealmightytaco]

...but everything that doesn't kill me makes me gradually more and more injured over time, until I'm eventually completely debilitated and can do nothing but ineffectually quiver in pain.

That's bloody genius that line. It's good to contemplate on the other side of life, and have a general chuckle. Fantastic. Fish, I am a fan.

Meanwhile I just fixed my clutch. Awesome.

[thealmightytaco]

And I obviously bollocks up my editing of the quote thing.

Too bad.

[jrandom]

That's bloody genius that line.

pity I didnt write it myself, then.


Fish, I am a fan.

of The Onion, and my mad cutting-and-pasting skillz? good. so am I.

[WINJA]

pity I didnt write it myself, then.



of The Onion, and my mad cutting-and-pasting skillz? good. so am I.
DO YOU HAVE A BIKE FISH?

[thealmightytaco]

pity I didnt write it myself, then.

of The Onion, and my mad cutting-and-pasting skillz? good. so am I.

I did not realise this. I feel cheated. Still a brilliant line though. I'M NOW A FAN OF WINJA, JIBE CHAMPION.

[Zed]

DO YOU HAVE A BIKE FISH?:2guns:..........:dodge:

..........:corn:

[jrandom]

DO YOU HAVE A BIKE FISH?

I have three.

one doesnt go at the moment, but.

[WINJA]

I have three.

one doesnt go at the moment, but.
WHAT SORTA BIKES?HAVE YOU GOT A GOOD BIKE STORY?

[Joni]

first of all, Mr Poos, that was an egregiously long quote. edit it down a bitYes please Mr Poos, try keep that in mind.... else I land up doing it... :mellow:

[SPman]

DO YOU HAVE A BIKE FISH?
Whats a bike fish? Never heard of one of them - but - the ocean is a strange and mysterious place.......