You're going to stick your finger where ... !?

[Oakie]

Trip to the doctor on Friday resulted in my doctor knowing parts of me even better than Mrs Oakie knows them. Let's just say that a latex glove and lots of lube was involved. Oh ... and after the dreaded 'finger', what my doctor referred to as 'a telescope' was also used.

The news was positive but I just want to say guys that if a rectal-digital exam is in your future, don't worry about it. It's not all that bad. (not fun ... not enjoyable ... but no worse than a decent dump). Not even as embarassing as you might think either and not done on 'all fours' but lying sideways so you don't quite feel so vulnerable as you might.

And I'll neve forget the moment when my dear doctor with half a finger up my bum said ... "now just relax." Sure!

[johcar]

Female doctors are best for this job. Smaller hands.

[jasonu]

I had that.
The quack asked me if I had ever been in the army. I told him if that was what they did to each other I wasn't interested.

[AllanB]

It's when you know something is up there and they reach around to get something off the table with both hands that you worry .......

[AllanB]

Oh by the way - there is a simple blood test now that is more accurate that half a hand up your bum to check prostrate cancer.

[Akzle]

there's never been any evidence that digital prostate exams indicate cancers better than any other method.


just a bunch of gay doctors and willing middle aged white folk.

[caspernz]

Oh by the way - there is a simple blood test now that is more accurate that half a hand up your bum to check prostrate cancer.

Not quite correct. The blood test is merely a screening test, the finger probe checks the degree of abnormality.

I don't enjoy the finger, but I'll put up with it. Shame guys are so embarrassed about this examination...:rolleyes:

[oldrider]

Neighbour went the other day!

They found two abandoned vehicles and box of stolen light bulbs - you just never know what's up there - pays to be careful where you sit! :Oops:

[admenk]

So, when does the DVD come out? :gob:

[ellipsis]

...I had two very uncomfortable days with swollen nuts, the result of working in a riding belt for a lot of hours...the big boss was worried for me, having lost his big T's to testicular cancer...he ordered up a chopper and I waited...upon examination at the Infirmary and finding a 'perfect example' of a 'swollen epidydimal', the doc asked if I was willing to let some student trainees have a look...I was feeling very relieved that it was this swollen thingy and not worse and I happily said, 'Yeah. Why not?'...then he returned with about seven or eight trainees, half of them young chicks, one of them, Japanese...I couldn't give a fuck by then, but the wee Jappy girl was very hesitant and the doc had to coax her, but one chick kept asking the doc questions and poking around for an extremely long time...all in the name of science and not realising a couple of trainees was really the whole fucking class...

[Swoop]

Oh by the way - there is a simple blood test now...
Yes.
So long as the fuckwit doctor who orders the tests remembers to check the cunting results when they return.

The moron I saw went through the test sheet and was all happy, but didn't mention the prostate blood test. After asking him directly about it twice, he sheepishly got the "other" bit of paper out of the printer and read it...
All OK, but not for him. Straight to the owner of the practice and a major UNSAT report lodged.

[HenryDorsetCase]

Trip to the doctor on Friday resulted in my doctor knowing parts of me even better than Mrs Oakie knows them. Let's just say that a latex glove and lots of lube was involved. Oh ... and after the dreaded 'finger', what my doctor referred to as 'a telescope' was also used.

The news was positive but I just want to say guys that if a rectal-digital exam is in your future, don't worry about it. It's not all that bad. (not fun ... not enjoyable ... but no worse than a decent dump). Not even as embarassing as you might think either and not done on 'all fours' but lying sideways so you don't quite feel so vulnerable as you might.

And I'll neve forget the moment when my dear doctor with half a finger up my bum said ... "now just relax." Sure!

while the finger is up there its important to look round and ask: "How much extra does this cost?"

[Oakie]

Oh by the way - there is a simple blood test now that is more accurate that half a hand up your bum to check prostrate cancer.

Yeah. I have had that blood test done every couple of years for the last 6 years . It is just an indicator though and you need the finger to confirm (or not).

[Woodman]

I can't believe how far up the doctors finger goes.

[Laava]

while the finger is up there its important to look round and ask: "Can I at least have a kiss as well at this point?"

Corrected to reflect reality

[russd7]

Female doctors are best for this job..

not the bitch locally the proclaims to be a doctor, i went to see her in desperation one day, extremely sore round the rear. she decided she needed to do a rectal exam, tells me this will just be a little uncomfortable, i figured well im in a lot of pain now so it cant get any worse, lubes up she dose, then wham. she was still trying to shove her finger up while trying to drag me off the ceiling. then she tells me nothing wrong, take some panadol and just try to relax. a couple days later i got in to see my doc, i was in to the specialist the next day and in for a minor op three weeks later, turns out the inner sphincter wasn't releasing, quite common apparently.

[Grumph]

When they send the probe with camera up, looking for polyps, they "enlarge" things, with a little air pressure....

When they did me, some years back now, three apprentices had just been sentenced for killing a workmate by sticking an airline up his bum....

I drew this to the operators attention, asking just how much pressure was being used. They assured me it was no more than 3 -4 psi.

I survived.

[jasonu]

Neighbour went the other day!

They found two abandoned vehicles and box of stolen light bulbs - you just never know what's up there - pays to be careful where you sit! :Oops:

How about a car...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGOHE1zqEmY

[jasonu]

while the finger is up there its important to look round and ask: "How much extra does this cost?"

I was told it was free if I did a reach around whilst the digit was inserted...

[Oakie]

When they did me, some years back now, three apprentices had just been sentenced for killing a workmate by sticking an airline up his bum....

Yes I remember that case.

[granstar]

I was in touch with my inner self the other day, anyone else notice the shit paper these days is getting much thinner?

[oldrider]

How about a car...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGOHE1zqEmY


I was in touch with my inner self the other day, anyone else notice the shit paper these days is getting much thinner?

1) Thank God for the Mini. :lol:

2) True! - have to chastise the missus for excessive economising every now and then! :confused:

[russd7]

I was in touch with my inner self the other day, anyone else notice the shit paper these days is getting much thinner?

well, i do have a good news paper article here for ya if ya want it, you can have the rest of the paper as well

[HenryDorsetCase]

Yes I remember that case.

mans laughter IIRC.

the cause of death was an air embolism. Air at high pressure goes through the skin into a blood vessel. The air bubble travels along the vessel till it gets to the heart then the heart doesnt pump it and bada boom bada bing, you dead.

[pritch]

Oh by the way - there is a simple blood test now that is more accurate that half a hand up your bum to check prostrate cancer.

The blood test is 'as well as' rather than 'instead of'. The blood test can give false positives, if you start doing one each year though it should provide a reliable picture after a while. If the blood test indicates the possibility of a problem you'll probably still get the finger. Then you'll likely get a biopsy, that's even more "interesting".

[jellywrestler]

i'd seen my quack on the ferry a few days before my probing, talked to him for a good half an hour about things, when he stuck his finger up my jacksie i asked him how the ferry pies were the other day......
he hadn't been asked that during that job before he reckons.

[pritch]

I've always been envious of the guys who could crack hearty in circumstances like that. And yeah I've read the jokes. When the guy was doing the biopsy :doctor: I told him it felt like I'd been abducted by aliens. He laughed and shouted, "I've been probed!"

Half the bloody hospital would heard that and thought it was me. How embarrassing. :o

[Oakie]

Doubling down I am. Full colonoscopy on 22 June (taxpayer funded ... thanks guys!). Shit just got real.
Worst thing is I'm not allowed to ride for 24 hours afterwards due to the sedatives. Actually it's not really the worst thing ...

[Moi]

Doubling down I am. Full colonoscopy on 22 June (taxpayer funded ... thanks guys!). Shit just got real.
Worst thing is I'm not allowed to ride for 24 hours afterwards due to the sedatives. Actually it's not really the worst thing ...

Oddfellows are your friends...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0fIg1qzeXA

Seriously, peppermint is very good at moving wind

[Oakie]

Oddfellows are your friends...

Seriously, peppermint is very good at moving wind

Apparently part of the procedure at the end is them sucking out some of the air they pump in. It's a fartectomy!!

[JimO]

turns out the inner sphincter wasn't releasing that will be axles problem

[YellowDog]

Not quite correct. The blood test is merely a screening test, the finger probe checks the degree of abnormality.

Shame guys are so embarrassed about this examination...:rolleyes:

I missed last year's annual check. They kept me waiting for ages and then I was told that my doctor was dealing with an emergency and the drop dead gorgeous super fit, 28 year old stand-in would see me. When she asked me how she could help me, I told here that I thought I had a bad cold, but it seems to have cleared up now :wacko:

[Akzle]

I missed last year's annual check. They kept me waiting for ages and then I was told that my doctor was dealing with an emergency and the drop dead gorgeous super fit, 28 year old stand-in would see me. When she asked me how she could help me, I told here that I thought I had a bad cold, but it seems to have cleared up now :wacko:

i think the line you were looking for is "i think i might be allergic to blowjobs, would you mind checking?"

[Moi]

Apparently part of the procedure at the end is them sucking out some of the air they pump in. It's a fartectomy!!

I believe the machine they use is Danish, you can tellus after if I was correct... :facepalm:



My after such procedure story is here (https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/177087-Look-up-your-bum-sir?p=1130928014#post1130928014).

[Big Dog]

Information I gleaned after my last visit to the hose doctor... they don't clean the scope or hose between uses because anything that would be effective would destroy the equipment.

Risk of cross contamination is low add long as people are honest on their check in forms.

[Black Knight]

So that's why HIV is on the increase.

[Big Dog]

So that's why HIV is on the increase.
Last I heard the biggest growth market in fresh diagnosis is in retired boomers.
Cashed up, morally corrupt and with no delusions of a long life lead to few precautions.

[jonbuoy]

I have the bloods done once a year, a nurse friend mentioned false positives from both the finger and the blood test are possible. Both her and my GP have said another indicator is being able to piss a good strong stream. Not saying anyone should skip either the finger or the blood test but if your having flow issues when you piss get yourself down to the docs quick smart.

[Oakie]

Oh boy

HA HA HA. After typing 'Oh boy' above I suddenly had to leave the room. I have my colonoscopy tomorrow so today is 'purge and starve' day. 8am, I took my powdered drink and the 3 little pills 'to get the bowels moving' and then sat down at the computer to wait the '1 to 6 hours' for things to start happening. Took just 18 minutes from pills to "get out of my way..."

Now where was I? Oh yeah ... Oh boy! It's 'purge and starve' day today prior to my colonoscopy tomorrow. All the people I know who have done this say that the preparations of the day before are worse than the actual procedure the following day. I'm going to sit at home and do some work work on the computer until hunger makes me incapable of doing good work and then I have Isle of Man and Superbikes recorded to watch plus a couple of WWII docos.

It's going to be an interesting day.

[Bass]

Billy Connolly's depiction of "purge and starve" is absolutely priceless

[Tazz]

Bugger that for a job!

[Honest Andy]

Bugger that for a job!

That's possibly an unfortunate turn of phrase...

[Oakie]

Colonoscopy done and dusted. All good down there so yay!

Man those are good drugs! My procedure notes showed I had a generally comfortable time of it with only two moments of discomfort. Stuffed if I can remember that. I remember the bit where he lubed my date ... I remember the last couple of minutes as they withdrew Hubble but I have no recollection of the intervening 25 minutes.

If you're thinking you should do this guys, just do it. It's a doddle. And it can save your life.

[oldrider]

Colonoscopy done and dusted. All good down there so yay!

Man those are good drugs! My procedure notes showed I had a generally comfortable time of it with only two moments of discomfort. Stuffed if I can remember that. I remember the bit where he lubed my date ... I remember the last couple of minutes as they withdrew Hubble but I have know recollection of the intervening 25 minutes.

If you're thinking you should do this guys, just do it. It's a doddle. And it can save your life.

True! - Saved mine and if you don't have insurance or the means the delays in the public system "might" just be your death warrant! :shit: (opinion not known fact)

[pritch]

True! - if you don't have insurance or the means the delays in the public system "might" just be your death warrant!

When I required a dose (or 40) of radio therapy my Doc told me there was no waiting list. He was right. First I had to go for a scan to check the bits were exactly where they were supposed to be, they said I would probably start the treatment in a week or so. I explained that I was about to head off on a bike tour of the South Island, (funny who you meet on those). She asked what was to be my first day back at work, I told her, and she said that would probably be my first scheduled treatment. And so it came to pass.

There was no shagging about at all, but that may only apply to the middle of the North Island.

[robajs]

yep colonoscopy is a breeze, uncomfortable but not the end of the world.
however getting a scope with a grabber up your willy is fairly intense!!!!!
:crazy:

[Oakie]

True! - Saved mine and if you don't have insurance or the means the delays in the public system "might" just be your death warrant! :shit: (opinion not known fact)
I was lucky. Didn't have insurance or the means to pay myself but being a little symptomatic and having a family history got it for me in the public system and I think I only had to wait three weeks.


yep colonoscopy is a breeze, uncomfortable but not the end of the world. however getting a scope with a grabber up your willy is fairly intense!!!!! :crazy: Yes, my brother in law has gone through that over the past 9 months.

[Crasherfromwayback]

My Ex, whilst in training, came home still laughing one day. She clean forgot the lube and dry fingered some poor cunt. Lucky the glove didn't rip too...

[Luckylegs]

...but I have know recollection of the intervening 25 minutes...

Its the weirdest sensation that - i swear i was concious and could/would remember the whole thing (those 25 minutes) right up until i realised i couldnt/didnt.

[Grumph]

True! - Saved mine and if you don't have insurance or the means the delays in the public system "might" just be your death warrant! :shit: (opinion not known fact)

Largely depends on your GP. Strong enough referral letter and they'll find you a slot. In the SI anyway there appears to be plenty of capacity.
Mine was done at Ashburton who do outwork for the canty DHB but there are at least two clinics in ChCh as well.

[Kickaha]

but I have no recollection of the intervening 25 minutes.

.


Its the weirdest sensation that - i swear i was concious and could/would remember the whole thing (those 25 minutes) right up until i realised i couldnt/didnt.

I had a colonoscopy and gastroscopy

I remember being wheeled wheeled back to recovery thinking these cunts haven't done anything when are they fucking starting

I'd really like those drugs daily

Years ago I had a gastroscopy, two options sedation or just numb the throat and no recovery time, I choose the latter, seriously most unpleasant mistake I've made in my life, the throat may be numb but you can feel the fucking thing going down your throat and moving about inside you

[russd7]

Years ago I had a gastroscopy,two options sedation or just numb the throat and no recovery time, I choose the latter, seriously most unpleasant mistake I've made in my life, the throat may be numb but you can feel the fucking thing going down your throat and moving about inside you

ha, i was given those options when i had the big V, doc says, "so do you want a local so you can watch and will have a quicker recovery time or i can give you a pill to knock you out". the answer for me was simple, give me the fucken pill i aint watching me junk get cut open.

[JimO]

i had a colonoscopy last year, no problems, i agree the drugs are fanfuckingtastic

[Oakie]

ha, i was given those options when i had the big V, doc says, "so do you want a local so you can watch and will have a quicker recovery time or i can give you a pill to knock you out". the answer for me was simple, give me the fucken pill i aint watching me junk get cut open.

I had that a few years back. I don't recall if I was offered the knock out pill but I just had the local. Couldn't watch of course but he did give me a running commentary. My only worrying time was when I smelt burning flesh and I expected Dr to say "Oh sorry, I seem to have set your cock on fire"

[Moi]

Speaking of drugs and being relaxed...

if you ever have eye surgery or cataracts done there's the preliminaries when the anaesthetist says "Look over there for a moment" and sticks a needle into the eyeball... :blink:

[Kickaha]

i had a colonoscopy last year, no problems, i agree the drugs are fanfuckingtastic

I've actually had a couple (errrr not that I like them or anything) the first one I had very minor sedation,feels pretty weird felling it moving round inside you and they let you watch on the tv screen, I'd rather have the drugs, not because I need them but because I want them

[Akzle]

I I'd rather have the drugs, not because I need them but because I want them

me too.

drugs...and nothing up my arse.

that would surely put you on a bad buzz

[Oakie]

me too.

drugs...and nothing up my arse.

that would surely put you on a bad buzz

But the drugs are so good you don't actually realise that the Hubble Telescope's younger brother is up your arse. (Hubble proper can see other galaxies but Hubble's younger brother can only see a wee bit past Uranus.)

[Berries]

if you ever have eye surgery or cataracts done there's the preliminaries when the anaesthetist says "Look over there for a moment" and sticks a needle into the eyeball... :blink:
Pretty sure that's how I got pregnant.