Katiepie - 10 years on with gentle tears in my eyes, but warmth in my heart

[Katiepie]

As I write this, I am just a few days away from a day that kinda means a lot to me.

To anyone else, it’s just another day. And every other year it has been one that has been a little confusing to me as I’ve tried to block any emotions around it, try to understand it... do my best to perhaps even forget about it.

But this time it feels more powerful.

This time I feel in control for the FIRST time in many many years.

This time, I let the emotion in and do whatever it needs to do as I get through a day that forever changed my life – 10 years ago.

It’s been a fascinating, and at times very painful journey. As you try to relearn how to do life by yourself without others understanding how lost you are – you look around you and see how everyones lives have moved forward. Relationships have been formed, families had, careers built, finances soaring after 10 years of everyday people working their arses off to get ahead in life and live their best life.

Yet you look in the mirror and all you have seen is someone you no longer recognize. A woman who has loved to her full capacity but never really felt love in return, one who used to have all the confidence in the world and laughter was a part of ones daily life. For years you look and you see failure as you fight to regain any kind of traction in life as person after person walks away from you because you “should be better by now”.

10 years ago I was a very different human. And here I am, writing on a forum that both helped me to grow that original freedom and self confidence that I had as both a motorcyclist, and a person. Yet at the same time it aided in the destruction of so much of my world and the hate that came for years from many of the people I once loved.

I feel myself drawn here to write. To blog like I once did. To dream of riding my dearly loved R6 around the country solo once more and set myself free as I move into a totally new chapter on my life.

I might be a different person now, but I will be honest say I am so fucking proud of myself and wouldn’t change any of it - even the human factor that I never considered could be experienced. Because I have become / am someone who lives life with very different values and understanding now. I have tolerance and acceptance far beyond what I ever did as a 26 year old girl who had just lost her house to negative equity, who then lost her career and hard built little empire as the result of a motorbike crash.

This year, on the 20th of March as many local riders head to the annual hill climb in the Wairarpa I will be sitting by a Lake, with my last remaining elderly dog at my feet, enjoying a glass of wine on my own and having a toast to being alive. I will remember leaving that last hill climb I attended and then the corner before my memory was erased for the next 2 months. I will raise my glass to now being able to start living after a life was paused for almost the entire 10 years. I can now breathe and the air has never felt fresher. I have excitement back in my heart and the sadness presents itself less often over the life that I lost in my past.

It’s a little scary. Time for me is now running out for some dearly held wishes in my life like having my own family. I’m older. Far more haggered and tired than I was, far more adverse to putting up with crap from others and I’m starting out now where I was those 10 years ago Financially. But it is a dream come true to be right where I am now.. And I have worked very very hard to get there.

This very moment is everything I have survived for.

For I am still a motorcyclist. No longer do I care to ride with another being, nor do I give a rats arse about speed, or distance, or looking good on the road. My bike may still be needing some serious love and repairs (not from the crash, some serious lack of maintenance and love over the years), without much of a heart beat to keep it going... but I still have the deep desire and passion to just fucking ride, to aid my hearts burning desire, to look down at my speedo and see the multiple smiley faces from training those many years ago with Karel Parvich that remind me to look up, smile and relax my grip telling myself “you’re riding Katie-Jane, switch on”. Thank you Karel - to this very day you are still with me on every ride and I will always be grateful for you.

I miss what Kiwibaker gave me in those early years. The friendships that I have been able to still hold onto through all of the shit that have come from here effect me very deeply. Those of you reading this today will know who you are. Some have stood by me when I have yet again fallen so hard on my face and stood back up without an ounce of confidence in my new world. When I have looked them in the eyes and told them I don't think I can do it any more. It’s because of people like you I was able to do so and I thank you.

Why did it take so long for one person to simply come through a crash? There is no easy answer to that. And perhaps most will never understand what’s involved until they have helped a loved on through it, or been unfortunate enough to have to learn themselves.

It is with a very exhausted but proud heart that I can share that I have finally been successful in buying my own home again, almost 10 years to the day of losing my last one and walking away with a 40k mortgage and no where to live then crashing my motorbike epicly. I have brought the little country shack that I had moved into just before my accident in 2011 and I have never stopped fighting for it. Even when my rent payments were bouncing, when I was so far behind financially from the loss of my career that I could barely breathe. I now have found the only thing I was ever looking for since life went a bit sideways. Safety. I am safe and it is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I am home. And no one can ever take that away from me again.

Very soon I believe my R6 will be humming again and I will slowly start to learn to ride again – in my own time and away from the noise of the riding world. But if you do see me out there again on the road, please do say hello. I no longer know how to communicate with people, I have zero trust in other humans and I am as shy as I was as a teenager again. But I am finally ready to learn how to tackle that, and get back out in the world again. A little older, a little more hardened, heart far more hidden, and pretty sore and creaky most days. But I am here, and I am more grateful than I have ever been to be living my life.

This is the first time in 10 years I have felt like I can breathe and laugh. I have missed those simple pleasures. Katiepie is back.



<3 Pie xx

[FJRider]

Well spoken girl. Now you have the rest of your life to achieve stuff. What stuff you might ask ?? Well probably stuff you never thought you would think you'd be doing at any stage of your life. Mid thirties ... your life isn't over. I'm almost mid sixty .... and I'm still open to ideas of what I might want to do in the near future. Confidence is overrated. The trick is to make it LOOK like you're confident you CAN do stuff. But give it your BEST shot at it anyway.

Setbacks aren't failures ... It just means you tried to do stuff in a way that didn't suit you. It just means you have to find a way that will work for you. Ask advice ... plan ... and on the odd occasion (maybe on every occasion) think outside the square. It may surprise you just how often "Radical Thinking" ... WORKS. Silly ideas often aren't really that silly (if they will work for you).

Be the person you want to see in the mirror. But remember ... mirrors can lie. Sometimes you need to look inside yourself to see who you are. That is (sometimes) ... not a pretty sight. But be comfortable inside yourself ... and that seems to be how it is for you at the moment. If changes need to be made ... it's up to you to decide what (and when) needs to happen. Progress is good ... fast or slow ... it's STILL progress. Looking back lets you see how far you've come. Looking forward lets you see how far you still have to go. The latter CAN be disheartening. But just don't dwell on that distance ... just put your head down and keep going. YOU CAN DO IT.

So DO it.


By the way ... I'm turning 64 on March 24th. And I got married for the FIRST time last year. So ... I STILL have stuff to do too.

[Laava]

Nice one Katie! Good luck to you!...

[caspernz]

That's one profound post Katie. Brave of you to share such a journey on a public forum. Sadly Kiwibiker isn't the same as it once was.

Watched and helped my younger brother go thru a somewhat similar journey. He now jokes about being an accurate weather forecaster on account of his augmented skeleton.

Warm wishes and safe riding :wings:

[ellipsis]

...that was cool and succinct...chin up and move on to what you want from this short time we have here...very cool:clap:..

[F5 Dave]

Good to hear. Enjoy what you can. Endure what you must. Avoid what will bring no good.

Yeah KB is different. But so are we all.

I've only met you briefly, but if I recognize you in travels I'll say hi.

[pritch]

I was really pleased to see your post. There was a recent discussion that briefly referenced riding with cell phones, it reminded me of you and I wondered how you were getting on. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time but pleased you now have your own place and feel things are looking up. Ten years though? That's amazing.

Be well and best wishes for the future.

[MD]

Amazing post Katie and great to hear from you. Sorry to hear life has not been kind to you these last ten years. Well done for persevering and remaining positive. I have only met you a few times briefly but was impressed with your beautiful smile from someone who had suffered so much and was still recovering from extensive injuries. Once I meet you at a Life Flight event at their hangar and you were the guest of honour.

Yeah this forum is not the hive of fun it once was but still worth visiting. Don't feel you have to ride alone. Plenty of us just like to meet up with old acquaintances over a coffee in the Wairarapa and share a gentle cruise. It never has to be a race or who's the best blah blah. Ride your own ride has always been the motorcyclist Code. well some pirates say it's more a Guide than a Code.

Take care and hope we do meet again some day.
Mark

[Bonez]

Golly 10 years. I'm glad you came through ok. Welcome back.

I don't know the details of your crash was but it would certainly pay to have the bike thoroughly looked over, frame crack tested, wheel allinignment etc. There may well be damage that you can not see by the naked eye and cause handling issues or completely fail while you are riding it.

[Katiepie]

Well spoken girl. Now you have the rest of your life to achieve stuff. What stuff you might ask ?? Well probably stuff you never thought you would think you'd be doing at any stage of your life. Mid thirties ... your life isn't over. I'm almost mid sixty .... and I'm still open to ideas of what I might want to do in the near future. Confidence is overrated. The trick is to make it LOOK like you're confident you CAN do stuff. But give it your BEST shot at it anyway.

How nice it is to see your name again. Thank you for reading and your reply.

I certainly know my life isn't over... as I approach 37 next month I know that my life now if finally just truly beginning. It is exciting. I have so much to achieve, so much I want to learn. And as someone said to me recently just a few weeks after I managed to buy my house (3 years of fighting daily for that one and an ugly legal battle)... it looked like I was trying to catch up on the past 10 years within in next 2.

I laughed and realised I need to slow down a little, like all good things in life it will take time. But what a wonderful new start I have, and I can now close the previous chapter with some very valuable knowledge and life skills that I am grateful for.

FJ - congratulations on your wonderful news. That absolutely makes my heart smile. May you experience happiness that runs so deep in your heart that you sometime just sit and reflect on how much you just want to explode with the goodness.

xx Pie

[Katiepie]

Nice one Katie! Good luck to you!...

Hey sunshine. Thanks for reading. It's really great to be back in KB. Hope you are keeping well and wonderful.

[Katiepie]

That's one profound post Katie. Brave of you to share such a journey on a public forum. Sadly Kiwibiker isn't the same as it once was.

Watched and helped my younger brother go thru a somewhat similar journey. He now jokes about being an accurate weather forecaster on account of his augmented skeleton.

Warm wishes and safe riding :wings:

I did a lot of pondering if posting was a wise idea. I know showing vulnerability in the past has not served me well. But now I do it for myself, and no longer am worried about consequence. I've been through too much to be afraid of being the real version of me.

I'm sorry to hear that your brother has had to learn the challenges of life in that way. Thank you for being there for him. May he live a full and happy life no matter what form or shape that now takes. Perhaps a few more layers over winter though ;)

[Katiepie]

I've only met you briefly, but if I recognize you in travels I'll say hi.

Thanks bud. I was hoping to have the bike back on the road for this summer, but it will now be next summer. And I'll be out there, rediscovering my biggest passion again once more. A friendly face is always welcomed to see along the way.

[Katiepie]

There was a recent discussion that briefly referenced riding with cell phones, it reminded me of you

Hello Mr Pritch...

I would hope my mistakes have helped a few other rider learn to do things better - including that regarding cell phones. There are so many days I have reflected and wondered what would have happened if that last bit of battery had disappeared on me. Pretty gratful it hung in there huh?

Yup - 10 years. Far out, never again lol!!

[Katiepie]

Amazing post Katie and great to hear from you. Sorry to hear life has not been kind to you these last ten years. Well done for persevering and remaining positive. I have only met you a few times briefly but was impressed with your beautiful smile from someone who had suffered so much and was still recovering from extensive injuries. Once I meet you at a Life Flight event at their hangar and you were the guest of honour.

If you were at the Lifeflight Gala dinner than I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a Lifeflight supporter.
They have become my second family - and I look forward to being able to help them out more in the future - especially now as I get back on my feet.

Injuries are the easy part. Chronic pain changes you, yes. But it's the life events that truly shape who you are and teach you what you are capable of. My story was pretty cruisy compared to so many. So I am thankful, and hope to help a few others out when they need it through theirs as I have tried to do over the years.

Always smiling, no matter what was going on behind the scenes. That why the book I am writing will be called "Laughing and Smiling through adversity".

Keep well MD - really nice to hear from you.

[Katiepie]

I don't know the details of your crash was but it would certainly pay to have the bike thoroughly looked over, frame crack tested, wheel allinignment etc. There may well be damage that you can not see by the naked eye and cause handling issues or completely fail while you are riding it.

Hey bud, thanks for the welcome.

Thankfully all is ok with my bike in that sense. Had some pretty amazing humans help me rebuild it after the crash those many years ago. But alas, due to the financial hardship that comes with a major life event the bike became something I could not longer keep on top of. She's been sitting at my mechanics for 18 months now with a blown head gasket, dropped cylinders and a handful of other issues that I've been working hard to save up for and get repaired.

So close now... and nothing will make me happier than to climb back on the bike that has become apart of me and learn how to ride again :)

[caseye]

Welcome home mate!
From the heart of my bottom.
Love ya work Katiepie, always have, always will.
:2thumbsup

[Katiepie]

From the heart of my bottom.

And what a delight that is.

Thank you lovely. I think of you often and really hope our paths cross again in the future. Your support over the years has been treasured in every way.

Big hugs from Welly. Hope life is treating you kindly x

[Bonez]

Hey bud, thanks for the welcome.

Thankfully all is ok with my bike in that sense. Had some pretty amazing humans help me rebuild it after the crash those many years ago. But alas, due to the financial hardship that comes with a major life event the bike became something I could not longer keep on top of. She's been sitting at my mechanics for 18 months now with a blown head gasket, dropped cylinders and a handful of other issues that I've been working hard to save up for and get repaired.

So close now... and nothing will make me happier than to climb back on the bike that has become apart of me and learn how to ride again :)That's good to hear.:yes:

[merv]

Hi Katiepie, lovely to hear how you are doing. I'd already put a comment via the user reputation feedback then thought I'd better look back on KB a bit.

Us KBer's don't catch up so much these days. Looking back, this was the last time I saw you when we had our last meet up with Scumdog at Sandbar Pub in Mana back in June 2012. Crikey almost 9 years ago. Small but good crowd came along that night as per this link:

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/150503-Scumdog-in-Welly-drinks-on-Wed-13-June?p=1130340504#post1130340504

[husaberg]

HI KtTT great to hear from you again Best of luck on your continued journey.
With adversity comes both wisdom and perspective.
And chicks dig scars......:whistle:


https://youtu.be/DqA25Ug71Mc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

[<G>]

Hi Katie, you are an amazing survivor, in all aspects. May the future continue to shine brightly for you :yes:

[release_the_bees]

I recognise your username, but that's about it and I have no recollection of your crash. (Although, having just looked back at your posts, I do remember that thread about the state of your driveway.)

However, good on you for sharing such a personal and heartfelt post.

Although I don't know you, I'm genuinely glad to hear that you're on the mend. Good things tend to happen to those who never give up and keep on fighting for a better future.

If you keep up that attitude I'm sure you will go far in whatever you put your mind to.

Sent from my SHT-AL09 using Tapatalk

[Reckless]

So Surprised to see your post.

I don't often wander out of MotoGp thread Kiwibiker isn't quite what it was back in the day lol.
That day you crashed was a lucky day and was a trial and test in survival for you.
Congrats on the new home, good to hear your doing well.
10 years - far out soooo glad you hung onto your bike.
There is nothing like riding food for the soul.
Good luck for the future Sunshine - onward and upward as they say :)

[Katiepie]

Hi Katiepie, lovely to hear how you are doing. I'd already put a comment via the user reputation feedback then thought I'd better look back on KB a bit.

Us KBer's don't catch up so much these days. Looking back, this was the last time I saw you when we had our last meet up with Scumdog at Sandbar Pub in Mana back in June 2012. Crikey almost 9 years ago. Small but good crowd came along that night as per this link:

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/150503-Scumdog-in-Welly-drinks-on-Wed-13-June?p=1130340504#post1130340504

Thanks for the green bling Merv,, really lovely to hear from you.

I remember that night well. A lot of laughs with bloody great people. Something I have missed most in my post accident life. Laughter, and friendships. Funny old thing that, something that seems so natural and easy to many turns out to be one of my biggest challenges. Ready to start learning again. My skills there are a little rusty.

Hope you are keeping well. I hope our paths cross again when I'm mobile on 2 wheels again. Perhaps I'll organize a gentle kapiti ride one day as a way of seeing some missed faces.

X

[caseye]

Thanks for the green bling Merv,, really lovely to hear from you.

I remember that night well. A lot of laughs with bloody great people. Something I have missed most in my post accident life. Laughter, and friendships. Funny old thing that, something that seems so natural and easy to many turns out to be one of my biggest challenges. Ready to start learning again. My skills there are a little rusty.

Hope you are keeping well. I hope our paths cross again when I'm mobile on 2 wheels again. Perhaps I'll organize a gentle kapiti ride one day as a way of seeing some missed faces.

X

I'd ride to Welly for that one!:scooter:

[Paul in NZ]

Well its nice to read something where everyones not threatening to punch each other so well done katiepie..

I hope you are well - Vicki and I often hoped you had managed to get through your dark days and wondered what happened next ;-)

We all have our dark times and indeed we are in one now as Vicki becomes less well but there are often good days too and they are things to be cherished.

[Katiepie]

With adversity comes wisdom and perspective.

Seeing your name pop up again really makes me smile. Thanks for stopping by to brighten my day.

I certainly don't have a lot of wisdom, but I will agree that I have a lot of perspective. I have seen and learnt so much that I never expected to from the ages of 26 to 36, including the loss of my father 2 years after my crash, that I have had to really wake up and change my approach to so many things. And I needed too. I often look back at the thought of who I was in those early years makes me shudder, and I am greatful for the lessons.

It was a funny ol weekend away just now. I have gotten myself so confused with where I am supposed to be that I even discovered a few tears down my face as I reminisced about riding, and how I feel I have lost such a big part of me.

But things that are lost can often be found again, and I'm actively looking once more.

right now I'm so tired, and I just don't understand what my brain and body are telling me this week.

But tomorrow I'll start trying to figure it out again. Because I really need to shake this feeling that doesn't sit well with me. I think I've been a little shaken that by the end of the month I am about to loose the entire contents of my recovery blog due to a website hosting change. Years and years of writing and learning about to disappear, bang on the 10 year mark like I am deleting this decade of my life?

I was going to use that content to help me write my book as my memory fails of often these days. I am slightly devastated, as dark as some of that writing was, it also saved my life.

But perhaps simply deleting the past will be a path for a very light future to be built upon? It might be time to start seeing it differently.

I hope you are well my friend. I have missed you

[Katiepie]

Hi Katie, you are an amazing survivor, in all aspects. May the future continue to shine brightly for you :yes:

Thank you G. Perhaps just a slow learner who found a way to never give up?

But the future does excite me greatly. I feel like I am actually just starting life again now that decade is completed, and the pause button resumed.

I hope you are well and wonderful

[Katiepie]

So Surprised to see your post.

10 years - far out soooo glad you hung onto your bike.
There is nothing like riding food for the soul.

I don't think you will know just how much I miss you. I can't quit explain it. But just the kindness from a mate you could always trust, who told you to pull yourself together when you got lost. I stopped listening to myself years ago, and it was the voices of dear friends I longed for the most.

10 years indeed. It has at times been a desperate fight to hold onto the bike. Especially with the house battle (3 year legal fight, I am spent, literally too lol).

But I think that's exactly why I am struggling with this anniversary as it arrived. I haven't ridden in so long. I long for it as I long for the career I miss every single day of my life. It's the passion that I can't fill as the bike is a bloody mess and life's priorities took focus.

But I think I will have her back humming again soon, after 18 months in the workshop. When I hear it start up on the off occasion, even for the few seconds it can stay running for, my heart races, and I feel something inside me that used to be a part of my entire world. Passion.

I want passion back in my heart, and I'm getting excited that I am now able to find a way to make that happen. I have my safety now, and that was all I was ever fighting for. The rest of the details can now follow and be designed and created.

I was thinking about our first ride over the weekend while I drunk far too much vodka as I became overwhelmed with emotion. And I think it's a ride I'll never forget. Thank you.

Hope you and T are amazing. Still got the SV kicking around??

[Katiepie]

We all have our dark times and indeed we are in one now as Vicki becomes less well but there are often good days too and they are things to be cherished.

Paul, I have not spent enough time in my life telling people who matter to me that they do. I've been too shy, I've been too fuzzy, perhaps I've been too afraid because why would the care coming from me?

But I know now that that is not correct or relevant. And I want you to know that you are one of those very people I mentioned in the OP who helped to shape me as a person, and why I have now felt such a deep desire to come back to Kiwibiker.

your endless support and warmth helped me through so much of the darkness.

And during your challenging times now, please know my love and thoughts are with you and Vicki. Virtual hugs to two humans who really made a difference in someone's life.

I will pm you over the weekend between working at the bike mechanics (my second job part time) and study for my Business Diploma. Yup, trying to catch up of life as quickly as I can.

Thank you for saying hello. My heart is smiling.

[Katiepie]

Although, having just looked back at your posts, I do remember that thread about the state of your driveway.

However, good on you for sharing such a personal and heartfelt post.

Ah that bloody driveway!!! I can proudly claim it as my permanent problem now, and the first time I need to get the R6 back up it is going to be smack bang in the middle of winter too. Should be a fun "welcome home" to the bike.

And thank you. I've shared probably far too much over the years. And while at times that has been to the detriment of many friendships and created some pretty unsavory feedback from others (like messages from bikers who have never met me telling me I should have died in my crash and done everyone else a favor), it has also been what has helped to to learn and grow. So I have gained far more from doing so than I lost.

And while I ended up believing those messages for many years as they kept coming for about 5 years, I am very happy to say now that I no longer do and have learned the tools I need to see past words now that are still directed at me as a result of those many years ago.

Perhaps maybe one day, a few of those people too may find the power of vulnerability and how you can turn it into a strength to really help you change your life for the better.

I'm now an open book. But ready to start a new chapter and the last one is finally finished and I understand it very well.

[Katiepie]

I'd ride to Welly for that one!:scooter:

Well maybe, just maybe, I'd ride to Auckland to JOIN you on that ride to welly, and we can drag Reckless along like the first time he met me, and have a fucking fab time in welly riding with the pretty special humans who took me under their wing in my early days and talk about how great that ride was at the pub afterwards over a bowl of hot chips and tomato sauce.

I haven't changed in some ways my friend.

[caseye]

Well maybe, just maybe, I'd ride to Auckland to JOIN you on that ride to welly, and we can drag Reckless along like the first time he met me, and have a fucking fab time in welly riding with the pretty special humans who took me under their wing in my early days and talk about how great that ride was at the pub afterwards over a bowl of hot chips and tomato sauce.

I haven't changed in some ways my friend.


Reckles, you in?
Katiepie had me at "ride toDorkland" The rest, well it's both History and will be history making!
You keep that wonderful spirit humming girly, looking forward to catching up, sooner rather later.:wings::sunny:

[Calix Lee]

Keep moving forward, and try to look at the bright side every single time. :sunny:

[Katiepie]

Keep moving forward, and try to look at the bright side every single time. :sunny:



Thanks bud, always doing my best to achieve just that. I think those who know personally will agree I have more often than not and I've always given it my very best go.

But it's also not as easy as that and I wish it was. There is so much going on inside my heart and mind at the moment that to simply choose the see the shiny side is easier said than done.

I'll be honest, I'm struggling this week and it's been a very very confusing time. Tomorrow I try harder and do better. But today, I'm willing to admit that it's all a bit too much. Ptsd and anxiety from such big trauma comes in waves. Right now I'm holding on tight and riding the wave out back into shore and safety

[FJRider]

... But today, I'm willing to admit that it's all a bit too much. Ptsd and anxiety from such big trauma comes in waves. Right now I'm holding on tight and riding the wave out back into shore and safety

For someone that has been through as much as you have ... don't doubt yourself.

It used to be called the "Duck syndrome" ... all calm on the surface ... and paddling like the devil underneath. A lot of people that have had nowhere near as much as you've had ... happening to them in their lives ... suffer from similar. Go figure.

Slow down and take things at a speed you can deal with in your own head.

In the meantime ... just stay safe. You'll know better than I where that is for you.

[caseye]

Morning KatiePie, like ol FJ said, youré speed is good enough for you, don't worry about the shit you can't change, Here always kiddo.:wings:

[Hinny]

Something in the last few days made me think of you. Not sure what that was.
I haven't been on Kiwibiker for probably 4 years but tonight I thought I would have a look.
First thing I saw was your post. ESP?
For some of us time flies by extremely quickly. It seems incredible to learn that it has been 10 years since your accident.
I was pleased to read the positives you posted and saddened and angered to read of the negatives.
It never fails to astound me how cruel and uncaring some people can be. Like children in the school yard.
I hope you continue on your upward and onward track. Get that sparkle back in your eyes and your "silly giggle". (your words, not mine.)
Best wishes, Keith.

[Katiepie]

Something in the last few days made me think of you. Not sure what that was.
I haven't been on Kiwibiker for probably 4 years but tonight I thought I would have a look.
First thing I saw was your post. ESP?
Best wishes, Keith.

Then I am really pleased you did decide to stop by KB, much like I did only a couple of weeks ago. I too have not been on here for quite some time, but something drew me back here and I felt I needed to write.

Lovely to hear from you, as it always was.

Yup, 10 years. It's been a puzzling one to get my head around. As I mentioned, I look around me and every single person I know has grown, moved forward, expanded their lives and had lots to explore that is new. But I look at myself and it feels like I am exactly where I was those 10 years ago. It is the most bizarre thing to reflect on and experience. But I am aware that my perception of my own world may certainly differ from those looking in from the outside. So I take it with a grain of salt and actively release the pause button now I've achieved all the big stuff... security, income I can survive on again and recovery. The rest ahead now is simply detail to add to and change along the way. It's pretty exciting.

Don't be too hard on those silly humans you talk about. For it is certainly not solely the actions of others than have changed who I am or knocked me around a bit. I take plenty of credit for doing much of that to myself. If I had the chance to do it all over, I like to think I would be a very different person for much of it from the things I have learned - both about others and more importantly myself.

I was a very young naive woman through the early years. It's only been the past 3 years where I have actively pursued growth and learned how to do things differently. I withdrew from the entire world back then as I was drowning and hurting so badly with any interaction with others. And while I'm extremely wary still I believe I have come a long way and have better tools to get my shit together in life now than I did for a long time.

Plus I have learned, through necessity, that I actually do really well doing life solo. Yes it can be pretty lonely at times, but I am doing ok and have a huge amount to be grateful for that so many don't. So I am, to put it simply, grateful. Every single day.

Once this wee bump of ptsd starts to settle again as this decade mark gets behind me again I can assure you that silly grin will be back at times, slowly, and I believe I may even still be capable of that giggle. I think it may have been my embarrassing giggle that allowed us to enjoy our first conversation in person. That and the fact that I was stealing the hot water meant for peoples coffees for my hot water bottle because I am ridiculously soft.

I recently found the courage to go to a party I was invited to. And it was there, just weeks ago, that 3 Kiwibiker members and I laughed like I haven't laughed in many many years.

So here I am, perhaps I owe a thanks to those fellas. You kids know who you are. Fuck that was a fun night.

[Hinny]

:yes: Good to hear.
KB has furnished some good friends over the years.
In maybe just a little while you'll be back singing and dancing. :woohoo:
Stay cool.

[Calix Lee]

HI KtTT great to hear from you again Best of luck on your continued journey.
With adversity comes both wisdom and perspective.
And chicks dig scars......:whistle:


https://youtu.be/DqA25Ug71Mc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

Brave is such a good song, I like the meaning of it.

[husaberg]

Brave is such a good song, I like the meaning of it.

Sara Bareilles has one of my favourite voices. both as a song writer and as a voice.

[caseye]

Hey Ewe! Still kicking?
Got that driveway sorted yet?
, lol. Sorry mate couldn't resist.
Come on back now ya hear.
:woohoo::woohoo:

[Navy Boy]

Blimey - There I was having a wee look around KB with my first coffee of the morning and I find this series of posts.

They are truly inspirational - Thanks for that.

I hope that you are still on your road to recovery with its particular speed humps that we are all presented with from time to time.

If you are still in the Upper Hutt area I'd be delighted to meet up and have a chat with you at some point. I work in Wellington during the week and would be delighted to have a face-to-face at some point.