A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Ghost Lemur]

WTF....... :sly: :confused: :wacko:

:lol:

Don't worry you WILL get it eventually. Sad but true

:killingme

[merv]

Yeah doesn't it hurt when you walk into things danb - you can get all bruised.

[menace]

A man walks into a bar....


















And said ouch!
Isnt the orginal version of that joke

A puppy seal walk into a club...?


lol

[Milky]

two men walk into a bar....















you'd think the second one would have ducked...

[Milky]

just for good measure....

three men walk into a bar.....













the last one must have been irish ;)

[Milky]

not sure how much of this one i remember, but here goes...

A drover is sitting in a bar with his dog when another drover comes in. - Disclaimer: i have no idea what a drover is, so dont ask - The second one sits down next to him, and they begin to talk over their beers... As the conversation wears on, the first drover is waxing lyrical about how good his dog is, and states that his dog can even cook him some eggs!
The second guy is a bit skeptical about it at first, so drover one - lets call him Tim - offers to show him what his dog can do... They head outside and Tim bends down and whispers in his dogs ear the command.
The dog rushes off, jumps into tims truck, pulls out a pot and a stand, dashes off down to the stream and returns with a pot full of water. Next he disappears in the opposite direction to find a chicken coop, gently prises a hen off it's nest and rolls an egg out from underneath her, picks it up in his jowls and returns to the drovers, and places the egg gently into the pot of water. He then runs off, returning with a pile of small sticks and twigs for a fire.
He jumps back into the cab again, pulls out a box of matches, grabs some in his teeth, strikes them on the box and drops them into the pile of wood. Soon there is a nice little blaze going, and the dog grabs the stand, puts it over the fire, places the pot with egg and water gently on top, and sits back, his tail moving in a metronomic fashion. When 5 minutes have passed, he lifts the pot off the fire, drains the water, grabs the egg, drops it at his masters feet, and promptly stands on his head...
The second drover is mystified by this, and asks Tim:

'I see why he did all the other stuff, but why is he standing on his head?'

to which Tim replies;

'Well you see, he knows i dont have an eggcup....'

:spudwhat:

[danb]

Yeah doesn't it hurt when you walk into things danb - you can get all bruised.


ROFL :beer: :beer: :beer: :killingme

[Ms Piggy]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him..

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Big Dog]

What is the one time a human pants harder than a hooker at happy hour?

A Harley owner out for his sunday push!

[Ms Piggy]

This is funny . . . but do it before Google fixes it.
1) Go to Google.com. (www.google.com)
2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction" including the quotation
marks - but don't hit the enter button.
3) Instead, hit the "I'm feeling lucky"
button next to the normal Google "Search" button.
4) An "ERROR MESSAGE" appears. READ THE ERROR MESSAGE CAREFULLY.
Read the WHOLE error message.

Someone at Google has a politicial sense of humor

[wkid_one]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point
at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the
tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've
found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give
me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do
that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, nobhead?

[wkid_one]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure ot how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of al! No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[Ghost Lemur]

Someone at Google has a politicial sense of humor

It's not Google. It's a Hack. What happened was the "site" yous saw when you hit was linked to so heavily on the web the it got the top ranking in Google's PageRank When you click "I'm feeling lucky all it does is take you to the first "hit" on the list.

If you type the same thing and search as usual you will see that site is ranked at the top of the list.

The same thing was done with "Litigous Bastards" being linked to SCO's website. That one was started on /. and spread quickly.

[Ghost Lemur]

Classic Billy Connelly in that first post Wkid1 (iirc). :killingme

[Big Dog]

Dude Comes home to find that the police are busy arresting a thief in his living roomwhile his wife is still asleep upstairs.
So he follows the arresting officers down to the station and demands to speak to the theif.
The officer on the desk politely refuses.

Again he insists this time obviously very agitated.

"You will have the opportunity to address the accused when you see him in court" came the rather bland reply.

Several minutes of heated discussion later the dude says look I just wanna ask him how on earth you get in to my house at three am with out waking up my wife? :spudwhat:

[wkid_one]

Classic Billy Connelly in that first post Wkid1 (iirc). :killingme
Doesn't he rock!

[Big Dog]

Three men are standing around complaining about how bad their weekends were, them being mere spectators or their own demise once the alcohol took over.

1 says "Mate I drove my own car through my living room killed the dog and wrote off the 64inch plasma wide."
2 says "Mate thats nothing i rolled the car four times, got arrested for DUI, the boss is gonna give me the sack for sure, and the Mrs left me."
3 says "Mate, what are you moaning about I got a taxi home early suday mornin and blew chunks for 3 hours."
1&2 chorus "what that's nuthin!"

3 mumbles "it is when Chunks is your dogs name!"

[merv]

Someone at Google has a politicial sense of humor

That is funny - I've just printed it to show my kids.

[merv]

Now daughter tells me she saw that about 5 months ago - there's no keeping up with them eh!

[wkid_one]

Not very work friendly

[wkid_one]

http://starterupsteve.servepics.com/swf/frenchkiss.html

[wkid_one]

Why women have two hands and why men have two hands

[Ms Piggy]

It's not Google. It's a Hack. What happened was the "site" yous saw when you hit was linked to so heavily on the web the it got the top ranking in Google's PageRank When you click "I'm feeling lucky all it does is take you to the first "hit" on the list.

If you type the same thing and search as usual you will see that site is ranked at the top of the list.

The same thing was done with "Litigous Bastards" being linked to SCO's website. That one was started on /. and spread quickly.
Ahhhh I see. Well thanks for that. Still quite funny :laugh:

[Motoracer]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[Big Dog]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

11. Could you move your ball, I beleive it is my stroke.
12. The object is to get you balls in the hole with as few strokes as possible.
13. Rest your ball on the tee and I'll drive first.
14. Before swinging make sure you are aiming at the right whole.
15. Do you swing to the left or right?
16. Hows your swinging going since you changed clubs?
17. You want to hit the ball on every stroke, as it counts towards your shot either way.
18. When playing in winter, warming your balls before play may reduce slicing in your stroke.
19. The pits can be kind of rough but the hole is usually neatly trimmed.
20. When judging the correct distance from the ball for your stroke, place the head behind the ball and stand so your shaft reaches your knee. :whistle:

[Motoracer]

11. Could you move your ball, I beleive it is my stroke.
12. The object is to get you balls in the hole with as few strokes as possible.
13. Rest your ball on the tee and I'll drive first.
14. Before swinging make sure you are aiming at the right whole.
15. Do you swing to the left or right?
16. Hows your swinging going since you changed clubs?
17. You want to hit the ball on every stroke, as it counts towards your shot either way.
18. When playing in winter, warming your balls before play may reduce slicing in your stroke.
19. The pits can be kind of rough but the hole is usually neatly trimmed.
20. When judging the correct distance from the ball for your stroke, place the head behind the ball and stand so your shaft reaches your knee. :whistle:

lol, well done. I didn't know that golf was such a "dirty" game.

[Big Dog]

lol, well done. I didn't know that golf was such a "dirty" game.
What other sport expects you to get at least two balls dirty, drive said balls to 9-36 holes in one afternoon, polish your shaft in between strokes, polish the head on your driver after munching the carpet let alone play close attention to your partners as they try to do the same?

Ps used to coach at a beginner level. Don't play anymore, got better things to spend my money on than a good walk ruined by little white balls and my inability to get them in the hole on the first stroke....

[Big Dog]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.



3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?


6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!



10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Hitcher]

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in crook of left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to ensure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to partner’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring the Fire Brigade to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour one litre of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill fragments from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet store to see if they have any hamsters.


How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[Big Dog]

I have read something similar before Hitcher, but it ended with reread the bottle and discover it was a suppository anyway.

Cease attempts and let the bastard die.

[What?]

Geez, Hitcher, you make giving a cat a pill sound so easy...

[Kickaha]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into
>a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and
>notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
>other.
>
>At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
>place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
>He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
>because she is short of funds she agrees.
>
>The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her
>plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him
>again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to
>agree.
>
>This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters
>and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention
>then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes
>over and sits next to him.
>
>She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
>"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
>"Glen Iris" he replies
>"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
>"Cameo Street" he replies
>"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
>He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
>"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still
>live there!"
>"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[riffer]

Found on the internet while bored:


"This is a true account of personal trial, which happened while I was working Tech Support for a company which sold Stock Analysis software. The company would sell data to its customers who would download said data from the company's database on a daily basis. Their listing of data was, therefore, kept on their hard drive, along with the data itself.






Me: "Thank you for calling, how can I help you?"
Him: "Yeah, I want my data back. You need my phone number?"
Me: "Back? What's happened to your data?"
Him: "It's gone. I need it back. Let's get this going, hmmm?"
Me: "Ummm...sir, what happened to it?"
Him: "Don't you worry about that. Just give me my freaking data."
Me: "Well, we have several options for data replacement. If you can send us a listing of the stocks you had--"
Him: "Send you a list? I don't have time for this !@*#$!&. Give me my data."
Me: "Uh, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We can--"
Him: "Look, buddy, don't jerk me around. Just press your little whachamajiggers there, zip me down my data, and we're good, ok?"
Me: "Well, sir, these are your options. You can--"
Him: "*$#& you, you stupid &#&$! Stick those options up your @#$*! Why won't you give me my data!?!?"
For the next half hour, I try to explain amidst all the interruptions that he is going to have to pay for the replacement data, either by downloading it again or by getting it on disk from us, and that it would be Monday at the earliest (this was Friday, one hour before closing) before he got it back regardless of which method he chose. This, of course, was unacceptable and resulted in me being subjected to more tirades of ridiculous cursing and genetic analysis. Finally, just to change the subject (he refused to hang up, which I was hoping for), I inquired further into the whereabouts of his missing data.





Me: "Sir, what exactly was it that happened to your data?"
Him: "You have it there! What the hell is in your head?"
Me: "What happened to the data you used to have?"
Him: "Well, this is a new computer, and I need it here, if you morons can handle that."
Me: "Oh! Well, we can transfer it from the old machine. Is it--"
Him: "Nope, nope, can't do that. It's dead."
Me: "Dead?"
Him: "That's right, dead. Your software killed it, so I threw it away."
Me: "You...threw it away? What was wrong with it?"
Him: "What are you, deaf?!? It wouldn't work any more, the monitor, laser printer, nothing, so I threw it all away."
Me: "You threw away the printer?!?"
Him: "Yeah, damn thing cost me $8000 to replace it all, and I'm gonna sue you guys!"
Me: "Well, um, what was wrong with it? Did it get hit by lightning or something?"
Him: "I told you, your software killed it! You got @#!+ in your ears? I put your $#^&*# disk in, and the whole computer just died."
Me: "Died."
Him: "That's right, pooboy!! It wouldn't load anymore, not even windows, just a blank screen with some gobbledygook babble on it."
Me: "What babble was this? An error message?"
Him: "You're damn right, an error message, caused by your software!!! I hope you can clean toilets, buddy!"
Me: "Do you have the error message written down somewhere?"
Him: "Well, Mr. Smartypants, as a matter of fact I do! And I'm gonna use it in court to see you in rags!"
Me: "What's it say?"
Him: (rustle, rustle, curse, curse, mutter) "Ah hah! Here it is! It says, 'Non System Disk or Disk Error!' You'll pay for this!"
At this point, I, and the other techs who were listening in by now, shared a great laugh, which I didn't bother to mute.





Me: "Sir, you will be happy to know that you threw away a perfectly good $8000 set of machinery because you were stupid enough to leave a disk in the drive."
Him: (long silence) "...well, I'm still gonna sue you guys..."
Me: "I want front row seats in the courtroom. Have a nice evening." (click)
Epilogue: When he called back on Monday, the manager terminated his account for abusive behavior for that record two minutes, thirty-eight second call."

[scumdog]

Good one celticno6!!! pissed myself !!!

Heard one where office superior of some rank said:

"I've only one sheet of plain white paper left, I need10 more staight away and theres none in th office".

Told "What about the photocopier then"

Says; "Good idea, that's quick thinking."


Superior goes to photocopier, puts last bit of paper on top and enters '10 copies' and presses the 'copy' button!!!!!!

Allegedly true

[Big Dog]

Allegedly true
I have had a boss ask me to fax him some blank paper before.


















But that was to test the heads at my end.

[Ms Piggy]

In New York today, two dyslexic bank robbers ran into a bank shouting, "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"

[Ms Piggy]

Funny little story about a randy little guinea pig.

[Milky]

Just heard a terrible one...

Johnny was going to show and tell at school. He brought along a matchbox with a special spider in it. When it was his turn he went to the center of the class, pulled out the matchbox and let the spider out.
'spider, go round the room'
he directed. So the spider went across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and back to the centre of the room where it stopped. his teacher exclaimed
'that's amazing johnny... I didnt think spiders could do that!'
johnny replies
'true, but look at this.'
he pulls one leg off the spider and says again
'spider, go round the room'
So the spider went across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and back to the centre of the room where it stopped. now johnny pulls another leg off, and again
'spider, go round the room'
So the spider went across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and back to the centre of the room where it stopped. this continues until the spider only has one leg left. again he commands
'spider, go round the room'
so the spider hops along the floor, up the wall, inches along the ceiling, down the other wall, then hops back to the centre of the class. johnny pulls of the last remaining leg. again he commands
'spider, go round the room'
this time, nothing happens... the spider just sits there
'spider, go round the room'
still no response....
johnny turns to the class and says
'that proves it. You pull all the legs off a spider and it goes deaf....'

[Wonko]

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her.


(say it out loud)

[Kickaha]

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's a loose woman I have been with."
"The priest asks, "Is that you, Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, ''tis."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure. and I can't be tellin' you,
Father, I won't be after ruining her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, I'll not be naming her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, ''tis sure I'll not be tellin'."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I'm admiring that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[Kickaha]

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.

[Big Dog]

The biggest laugh comes from adding your sig line on as part of the joke. :killingme

[pete376403]

An old codger goes into a pharmacy, complaining bitterly that the erection cream he bought there doesn't work.

Pharmacist advises him to read the fine print on the label, where it states "To work correctly, this cream must be applied by a teenage girl"

[menace]

Just thought id revive the thread always good to have a dodgy old laff :)

[greenhorn]

A mother had to give her two identical twins up for adoption.
One went to Spain where his adoptive parents promptly named him Juan. The other went to a family in Egypt where they named him Amal.
When they turned 12 years old they got in touch with their birth mother Rosie via the post. Juan sent her a photo of himself. Upon opening it and seeing the photo Rosie burst into tears and said to her husband "Oh Bob, look here, i finally can lay my eyes on Juan, if only my other son Amal had also sent a photo"
Her husband replied "Awww Rosie, for goodness sake, they are identical twins... if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal"

[greenhorn]

Actually puns have allways been a bit of a hobby of mine. I know I know, what a dork i hear you say, but just last week i entered a prestigous pun competition.
To improve my chances of winning i entered in ten puns. But of course i didnt win, in fact no pun in ten did... :thud:

[menace]

:scooter:

:shit:

[Ms Piggy]

:scooter:

:shit:
Hah hah hah! That's great! :lol: Although I do think some scooters are very funky.

[LB]

.
.
CSL: this is a great thread. Hope noone takes offence at this.......I just had it sent to me and I think it's so funny!!
.
.

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

THE AFTER DINNER DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum

DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
On-line class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
.
.

[Ms Piggy]

Ahhhhh yes - I know a few lads that could do with this :blah: I think there is an equivalent one for women that someone had posted somewhere.

[Ms Piggy]

The paycheck giveth and the Ducati Carbon Fibre Accessory shop taketh away
I love your new signature but shouldn't it read "Hamish's paycheck giveth and Lynda taketh away to the Ducati Carbon Fibre Accessory shop." :msn-wink:

[Ms Piggy]

:devil2: Tee hee.

[Big Dog]

:moon: :moon: :moon: :moon: :moon:

[Big Dog]

:headbang: :confused: :innocent: :moon:

[Big Dog]

:first: :Punk: :finger:

[Big Dog]

:moon: :buggerd: :killingme

[Ms Piggy]

I got told this joke by my gay flatmate.

A gay guy & a straight guy were flatting together and there is a fire in their flat.

Which one gets out alive? :shifty:

[jrandom]

Which one gets out alive? :shifty:

If you were told this joke by a gay guy, it'll be the gay guy who gets out alive due to some inherent superiority, since subculture jokes tend to be subconsciously expressive of a need to reinforce personal worth against perceived dominant classes.

[Ms Piggy]

If you were told this joke by a gay guy, it'll be the gay guy who gets out alive due to some inherent superiority, since subculture jokes tend to be subconsciously expressive of a need to reinforce personal worth against perceived dominant classes.
Not by a gay guy but by a gay woman. But yes your are correct JR, the gay guy gets out because........











































His shit was already packed. :done:

[Kickaha]

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her arse and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabs his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

[toads]

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her arse and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabs his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."


oooh ouch, I must tell Pete this one lol

[jrandom]

His shit was already packed. :done:

Oh dear.

Bad mental images.

:killingme

[bungbung]

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?







Christopher Reeves after the fire

[Yokai]

I wrote this to my gf in response to her sending me the courses for men email:

Basic Units:

1 - Spanners and How to use them... Introductory class covering all aspects of the spanner, including the head and the handle. This is a required class for 2.01 The Adjustable Wrench.
2 - Why You look good in Sweats... This class takes 5 weeks and covers the basics of Athletics Wear. Not a requirement for the intermediate class "When to Apply Make Up, and Why the bathroom is for sharing"
3 - Technology 101... Comprising the courses "How to Google" and "RTFM - a guide to step by step assembly"

Intermediate
1 - Conversational Gambits and Appropriate Use... Covers such topics as "We need to talk..." and "How to Spot Intervals in The Game" 2 week course (Canadian credit - 3 weeks)
2 - "Wallet, Keys, Phone - the bare essentials?" - includes an introductory session on buying clothes with pockets.
3 - "The 30 minute Exit Plan - a guide to getting out of the house"... Comprises the basic philosophy course "Why he's doing stuff while waiting".

Advanced
1 - Union vs League vs AFL - pitfalls for the unwary.
2 - Answering Questions... Modules include "Yes or No are satisfactory answers" "Ways to say 'I don't Know' in less than 15 minutes" and culminating in "Tonal qualities of the word 'Fine' "
3 - Interpreting the grunt... Covers the "Please pass me the <x>", "Girl, you're so sweet" and "Man, I find you sexy - do you want to go at it or just have a pizza?"

Impossible
1 - The Offside Rule


Yo ::wavey::

[Blakamin]

I wrote this to my gf in response to her sending me the courses for men email:


Yo ::wavey::
Cheers, just emailed it to my mrs

[bluninja]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s£x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for s£x. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22, my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

[Aitch]

Quasimodo due to his unfortunate deformities had a really bad riding accident and lost both arms. But with the help of acc he was rehabilitated to ring the church bells by taking a running leap at them and hitting them with his forehead.

Well a couple of years later he takes a holiday and so his brother comes to ring the bells in his abscence. Osh by this time has been involved and deemed the ropes too unsafe to have in the work place, so Quasimodo has to teach his brother to ring the bells with his forehead.

Well while quasimodo was on holiday his brother was ringing the bells and having a grand old time leaping about and headbutting the bells but as was sure to happen eventually he missed the one of the bells and fell to his death.

One of the police men asked the preist "Who was he?"

"I don't know I never met him all I know is that his face rings a bell."

Isn't it "I've not sure, but he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo......?

[heavenly.talker]

[QUOTE=bluninja]2 Nuns in a bath....

one says

"Where's the soap?"

the other replies

"Yes it does doesn't it!" :banana:

Can anyone explain that to me as I don't get it

[MSTRS]

Say it out loud. Remember written has options, spoken sounds same

[Sniper]

This is too good a thread for it to waste away. Yes, I know, I have become my worst enemy, a thread dredger.

[sunhuntin]

Follow the steps, when you get your answer, highlight the whole post, and then type in yours at the bottom....


Step 1: find your birthday...

January: I partied with
February: I had babies with
March: I felt up
April: I messed around with
May: I peed on
June: I robbed
July: I ate
August: I shot
September: I beat up
October: I dressed up as
November: I got married to
December: I had drunken sex with

Step 2: Find the day of your birthday ...

1: some random girl
2: Michael Jackson
3: some random guy
4: a book
5: Frankenstein
6: Martha Stewart
7: a bottle of Hennesse
8: a flamingo
9: a bag of chips
10: a chair
11: **** Cheney
12: my English teacher
13: a Teletubby
14: myself
15: a pole
16: a penguin
17: a ninja
18: an apple
19: a box
20: my finger
21: George ****
22: a cell phone
23: Ron Jeremy
24: a statue
25: a gnome
26: a hippo
27: my shoes
28: a prostitute
29: a porn star
30: my best friend
31: a cat

Step 3: Find the FIRST letter of your FIRST name...

A: for the money
B: for the hell of it
C: and it sucked
D: to be cool
E: to be naked
F: to eat cheese
G: but my mom told me to
H: for my girlfriend
I: for my boyfriend
J: to be sexy
K: and I had twins
L: at school
M: because i was high.
N: and I got sick
O: and I threw up
P: and something shrank
Q: in the pool
R: and then I streaked
S: and it was boring
T: because I was drunk
U: for a shopping spree
V: and I liked it
W: in the dark
X: and I had a sex change
Y: under the sheets
Z: in a laundry mat

i messed around with michael jackson and it sucked, lmfao

[Sniper]

I dressed up as a ninja and it sucked.

[Colapop]

I beat up Martha Stewart and it sucked - although I woulda thought I'd enjoy it.

Yep I'm on here coz I don't have a bike and I'll keep saying it til someone swaps me one for that Datsu!

[mini_hooks_]

hehe now this i just cant resist,

what is red and white and sits in the corner getin smaller and smaller
a baby with a blender....

whats red and goes round 1000 time a minute?
a baby in a blender....

what do you do with 365 used condoms?
melt it down to a tyre and call it a goodyear

thats all for now folks:soon:

[mini_hooks_]

i felt up an apple but my mom told me too lmao

[flash]

"I ate my finger because I was drunk"

great thing that, sadly its true though, i have eaten my finger and ill tell you now.....it dosnt atract the ladies

[Sniper]

Guys, keep the thread on topic please

[Swoop]

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble
deciding where to go. They were tired of the local food in Transylvania
and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they
decided to go to ITALY because they had heard that ITALIAN food was really good.
So off they went to ITALY and ended up in VENICE.
On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for
dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have
seconds.
Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same
fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while
a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these
people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home.
As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were
puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They
looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the
bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang



Do you know what he sang?



No guess?



You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?



Are you ready?



Here it comes......
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".....Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
:woohoo: :shit: :yeah:

[mini_hooks_]

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk.

1. innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation.
4. Cinnamon.

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk.

1. Specificity
2. Antidisestablishmentarianism
3. Loquacious
4. Transubstantiate

Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you are drunk.

1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. No kebab for me, thank you
5. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
6. I'm not interested in fighting you
7. Thank you, but I won't make an attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination
8. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street
9. You're right; I can't jump over that table
10. Oh, I just couldn't- no one wants to hear me sing.

[mini_hooks_]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END !!!!

[mini_hooks_]

Contagious
Teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".

[mini_hooks_]

:done: if more are wanted just tell me i have plenty:rockon: :Punk:

[flash]

ohh please.....if ones REALYY good green rep will be flying through the window

[myvice]

Two nuns are driving along when a vampire leaps down from a building onto their car.
The nuns terrified swerve back and forth across the road to try and shake him off but he clings onto the bonnet hissing and screaming at them!
What are we going to do? Asks the nun who's driving.
Show him your cross! Says the second nun...
So the driver winds down her window, leans out and yells Oi! Get the fuck off my car!

[Fatjim]

A brand new mother is sitting up in bed in the maternity ward when th doctor walks in with a grave look on is face. He looks at the woman and says I have some good news, and some bad. Which would you like first?

Well the woman, worried a little in this positin says, " I think I'd like the bad news first".

The doctor replies, " you son, is a ginger"

And the mother relieved, asks, "and the good news"?

The doctor smiles and replies, " He was still born".

[mini_hooks_]

A Priest was seated next to a Hurricane's supporter on a flight to Christchurch

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The 'canes supporter asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The 'canes supporter then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too - I didn't know we had a choice."

[mini_hooks_]

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out; Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Edward, "He plays Rugby for the Blues but I was just too embarrassed to say."


A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.
The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the Blues Rugby Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

[mini_hooks_]

The Blues rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The coach immediately suspended practice while police and forensic investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again...

[mini_hooks_]

The Blues coach takes the Team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position.
So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.


The Blues are making available a help-line for fans who are disappointed with their national team's recent performance.
The help-line number is: 0800 10 10 10.
That's 0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!


What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Blues shirt in bed?
You ain't gonna a score - ever.


A guy goes into a pub with his dog.
"Sorry mate, no dogs allowed", says the barman.
"But this is a very special dog" claims the man, "he's a Blues supporter!"
The barman looks doubtfully at the pooch.
"Honest", says the man, "he knows when the Blues on the tele, and when they get into the opposition 22 he does a back flip and spins around!!!"
The barman turns the TV on and the Blues are playing the Crusaders.
True to the man's word, when they get into the Crusaders 22, the dog does a back flip and spins around on his back legs.
"That's incredible!" says the barman.
"Just watch", replies the man.
As the Blues lose possession, the dog stops and watches the screen, and only when they get back into the opposition 22 does he go through his acrobatic routine.
The barman is well impressed and asks curiously, "If he does that when The Blues gets into the 22, what does he do when they score a try?"
The guy looks at him and says, "Dunno mate, I've only had him three years!!!"


Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday.
To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he:"watched the rugby on Saturday and The Blues were shit."
UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 2 years.

[mini_hooks_]

There are only 2 man-made things that can be seen with the naked eye from space...
The first one is the Great Wall of China, and right on it's heels is the...GAP IN THE BLUES DEFENCE.


What is the difference between the Blues and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches.

[kro]

Two Nuns get asked to redecorate part of the convent, they have to do some painting, and the Head Nun says some of the other items they need will be delivered later that day.

They start painting, but realise its gonna get real messy, and seeing as they are in a locked room anyway, decide to strip off out of their habits (nun clothes), and paint in their knickers only.

In the afternoon, there's a knock at the door, and the startled nuns say "who is it", a voice replies " I'm a blind man". The nuns figure a blind man isn't going to see them topless, and they wont need to re-dress, so they open the door and let him in.

The guys says "nice tits sisters, which windows are these blinds going on?"

[Sniper]

Why do women have dots around their nipples.

Its Braille for, "Suck this"

[Wolf]

I've finally caught up on this thread after a marathon read and awarded some richly deserved bling, found out Fish's previous identity (I'll let you lot read through it all or look at my post in Pointless Drivel if you want to know) and decided that if we're trotting out the really OLD and LAME jokes:

Pirate Captain bursts into a dockside bar and roars "Where's me Buccineers!"
A voice yells back from the crowd: "On ya buckin' head"

[Street Gerbil]

A line at the Heaven's Gate. St. Peter asks the first one in line: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?". The guy answers "nope!". St. Peter replies: "Ok, take the key to a Rolls Royce, drive down this road ad you'll get right to heaven. Off you go!". He asks the next one if he ever cheated on his wife. The guy mumbles: "Well, you know, there was one occurance when, you know, I met my first love from high school and she told me that all those years she dreamed of making love to me just once and...". St. Peter replies, "oh, well...ok, here are the keys to the WV Bug. Drive down this road and you'll get to Heaven. Next one! Have you ever cheated on your wife?" The third guy replies - "Yep!". Ok, replies St. Peter, grab this bicycle and ride in this direction. The guy mounts the bike and rides down the road. Suddenly he sees a Rolls Royce parked on the side and the first guy crying. He stops to find out what is wrong. The first guy explains: "I just saw my wife. She was walking!!!".

[Madness]

How do you know when your little sister starts her "period"???


Your brother's cock tastes funny all of a sudden.
:Banjo:

[R6_kid]

Whats the difference between a priest and acne???

Acne only comes on a boys face after puberty.