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Ms Piggy
10th February 2004, 14:23
Okay well I thought maybe we could do with a laugh b/c there seems to be some serious stuff being debated and who doesn't like a good joke! :2thumbsup

Here goes!

2 Nuns were riding on their bicycles down a road, one Nun says to the other one...

"I've never come this way before"

The 2nd Nun replies...

"Yeah, it's the gravel."

:lol:

bluninja
10th February 2004, 14:34
Okay well I thought maybe we could do with a laugh b/c there seems to be some serious stuff being debated and who doesn't like a good joke! :2thumbsup

Here goes!

2 Nuns were riding on their bicycles down a road, one Nun says to the other one...

"I've never come this way before"

The 2nd Nun replies...

"Yeah, it's the gravel."

:lol:
2 Nuns in a bath....

one says

"Where's the soap?"

the other replies

"Yes it does doesn't it!" :banana:

I want to know the end of the joke in Finding Nemo about the mollusc and the sea cucumber.

This mollusc walked over to this sea cucmber...well he didn't walk actually..molluscs don't have legs or feet......so this mollusc goes over to this sea cucumber......

Does anyone know the rest....could anyone make up the rest of the joke?

Hitcher
10th February 2004, 15:02
Four nuns in a bath
Two were playing hymns
[This is funnier if you read it out loud]

Two nuns return late from a night out to find the nunnery's gates locked. As they're climbing back over the wall one says "Oh I feel like a commando!" to which the other says "So do I, but where can we find one this time of night?"

Hitcher
10th February 2004, 15:04
This mollusc walked over to this sea cucmber...well he didn't walk actually..molluscs don't have legs or feet......so this mollusc goes over to this sea cucumber...

And says "Hey man, is that a krill in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me??"

bluninja
10th February 2004, 15:24
And says "Hey man, is that a krill in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me??"
ROFLMAO:2thumbsup

jrandom
10th February 2004, 15:33
I want to know the end of the joke in Finding Nemo about the mollusc and the sea cucumber

He actually managed to finish it at the end of the movie, didn't he?

Didn't he?

Damn you, I can't remember what the bloody punchline was. I have to go rent the DVD now.

:wacko:

bluninja
10th February 2004, 16:34
He actually managed to finish it at the end of the movie, didn't he?

Didn't he?

Damn you, I can't remember what the bloody punchline was. I have to go rent the DVD now.

:wacko: Does he? I'll have to check out the DVD...ooops...I sold the DVD player.....still I can play it on the PS2....whoops sold the TV....guess I'll have to miss some KB time and watch it on the PC.

Ms Piggy
10th February 2004, 19:04
2 Nuns in a bath....

one says

"Where's the soap?"

the other replies

"Yes it does doesn't it!" :banana:

:laugh: The same person told me that one too. Heh heh.

LB
10th February 2004, 19:51
What's black white and red, and can't turn round in a ten-foot space?
A nun with a javelin through her head

I have numerous baby jokes but they may be a bit sick even for this forum......

SPman
10th February 2004, 21:09
Nothing, is too sick for this forum!

SPman
10th February 2004, 21:14
Oh well, cann't resist a joke forum....

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,screaming,romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down....and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device...a vibrator! Soft,wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,"how could you be lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids!!!"

LB
11th February 2004, 05:04
Nothing, is too sick for this forum!
Okay then. (SPman: I liked your one a lot - okay if I pass it on??)

What's more fun than pinning a baby up to a rotary clothesline by it's ears and spinning it round at 160KPH?
Stopping it with a spade.

What's more fun than nailing babies up on the wall?
Ripping them off again.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was nailed to the back of a chicken.

Why have babies got soft spots in the tops of their heads?
So the doctors can carry them five at a time.

I did warn you.......

MikeL
11th February 2004, 07:38
This is a joke I came across in France:

A man kept telling his wife she looked like a slut because she would always sit and sleep with her legs wide apart. He told her if she kept doing that her guts would eventually fall out. To no avail. He decided to teach her a lesson, so went to the butchers and bought a string of sausages, some tripe, blood and other offal. Then in the morning while she was sleeping he put them between her legs, then went off to work. When he came home he found his wife looking a bit sheepish, and finally she confessed. "But it's O.K.," she said, "I managed to get them all back in."

bluninja
11th February 2004, 07:52
The Finding Nemo punchline.....

"With fronds like these, who needs anenomes!" Ta Da.:laugh:



Lynda...you shouldn't have got me started..

What's black and taps on windows? A baby in a microwave.
What's red and white and screams? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

A better stop there...they get even worse.

k14
11th February 2004, 07:57
Got a few more:

What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.

What's red and yellow and floats at the top of a pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face.

bluninja
11th February 2004, 08:19
What's green and smells of pork? Kermit's middle finger.
What's green and turns red at the touch of a button? Kermit in a liquidiser.

Ms Piggy
11th February 2004, 08:22
Whats red & sits in a corner getting smaller & smaller?

A baby combing it's head with a potatoe peeler.

figjam
11th February 2004, 08:34
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says,
"Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head
in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
"Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... Three, I
like how money feels in my hand... And lastly, instead of
you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"

PeteThePom
11th February 2004, 08:52
Wife and hubby lying in bed one night, the wife turns round to her man and looks at him sugestively, he says 'Not tonight honey, I'm knackered'

The wife looks at him, sighs, rolls over and goes to sleep.

The next night same thing happens and for another 2 nights.

Finally the wife snaps and asks him whats wrong?
The hubby replies 'Babe, it's just real tough at work at the moment and all I wanna do is sleep'
'You dont love me anymore' she cries
'Of course I do honey, I'm just dead beat'
The wife lies in bed thinking for a moment
'It's my tits isnt it? They're not big enough, you always said you liked big tits'
'Honey, it's not your tits, just go to sleep OK'
'I know, I'll get a tit job' she suggests
'Sweetheart we don't have the money for a tit job' replies hubby(who's getting really pissed off by now)
'well there must be something I can do to make my tits bigger, what do you think' she asks
The husband turns to his wife and suggests 'Well why dont you get some tissue paper and rub it up and down between your breasts?'
'What? How the hell is that going to make my tits bigger?' she asks

'I dont know' he replies 'But it worked on your arse!'

Hitcher
11th February 2004, 10:04
An eskimo pushes his brokendown snowmobile into the dealer's workshop.
The mechanic lifts the seat, looks at the engine, looks at the eskimo and says
"It looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the eskimo responds
"No, it's just the frost on my beard!"

MikeL
11th February 2004, 10:25
Hmm... all these baby jokes. Must reveal something about current pre-occupations. Any sociologists/psychologists here?
In the seventies a funny joke was about a frog in a blender... (Ecology/the environment was the big issue then).
Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis

bluninja
11th February 2004, 11:05
Hmm... all these baby jokes. Must reveal something about current pre-occupations. Any sociologists/psychologists here?
In the seventies a funny joke was about a frog in a blender... (Ecology/the environment was the big issue then).
Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis
done the frog in the blender one....BTW I heard all the sick baby jokes at the same time in the 70's. Maybe some of us are harping back to our rebellious teen years:wacko:

Other historic jokes of that era...

What's the diffence between Marc Bolan and Elvis Presley? About 6 weeks.
What was Marc Bolan's last hit? An oak tree.
Good news for MArc Bolan...they've fixed his mini!
What's blue and hangs in drains? Lesley Whittle (UK Black panther murders)

k14
11th February 2004, 11:30
done the frog in the blender one....BTW I heard all the sick baby jokes at the same time in the 70's. Maybe some of us are harping back to our rebellious teen years:wacko:

Other historic jokes of that era...

What's the diffence between Marc Bolan and Elvis Presley? About 6 weeks.
What was Marc Bolan's last hit? An oak tree.
Good news for MArc Bolan...they've fixed his mini!
What's blue and hangs in drains? Lesley Whittle (UK Black panther murders)

Sorry, but who is marc bolan??? :laugh:

bluninja
11th February 2004, 11:55
Sorry, but who is marc bolan??? :laugh:
Young man :msn-wink: Marc Bolan was lead singer of a band called T Rex who died after planting his mini in a lrage oak tree. I shall now remove the hook from my lip.:niceone:

Ms Piggy
11th February 2004, 16:42
done the frog in the blender one....BTW I heard all the sick baby jokes at the same time in the 70's. Maybe some of us are harping back to our rebellious teen years:wacko:

Baby jokes were around when I was a young kid in the 80's too. Maybe it's b/c they're so funny! :crazy:

Deano
11th February 2004, 17:06
how about, "do cu cumb here often ?"

ok, pretty lame

Big Dog
11th February 2004, 17:33
Whats invisible and smells like bananas?

A Monkeys fart.

Whats the difference between James Dean and Michael Hutchence?

Michael was using his belt.

Big Dog
11th February 2004, 18:07
A dude is riding along the Pacific Coast highway when he sees a sign. On reading the sign he almost goes headfirst over the handlebars in the least planned stoppie of his life. It read "Sisters of Silence House of Sin 1km on left."

After checking and double checking he was seeing what he saw he headed off and was going to let it lie as some harmless prank. But round the next bend was another sign "Get royally screwed By the sisters of silence" 500m on left.

He blinked but carried on now unsure whether to be curious or shaken. On a whim he turned in at the sign parked in the lot and pulled off his helmet.

He sees a sign reading Entrance, and pointing at the right hand door.

After a few moments pause he summoned the courage and entered the Sisters of silence house of sin.

On entering he found himself in a room, no-one to be seen just a rope a door and a sign. The sign read "The sisters of silence are prohibited from speech, Place $200 in the cup, Prepare to be screwed, ring the church bell three times and procceed through the door. Follow the instructions on the next door.

So he pays his $200 prepares himself for what he can only assume must be the best time he is ever going to get to cost a whole two hundred dollars. Rings the bell three times and heads through the door.


He finds himself in a long dark coridor lit only by communion style candles. He walks down its doorless length to find another door with the instructions "Go through the door and follow the path. Follow the instructions at the other end".

He walks out into the garden follows the path through a spectacular orchid garden to another door. The sign says "Go through the door and follow the coridor to the door with the sign on it".

Well a few doors and some corridors later our young hero is getting pretty sick of this game, until he finally see's it. A sign, it reads "Almost there one more door and you will finnally be screwed by the sisters of silence. Close your eyes step through the door and await your bliss". Qickly forgetting his growing concerns he steps up to the door closes his eyes opens the door steps boldly through. Waits in silence as he listens to the door click shut. More silence and birds chirping. The lonely toll of the bell being rung, but still nothing.


Our hero opens his eyes to find himself looking at his motorbike, a car and the back of the entrance sign which read.

"You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Silence, thank you for your support, please come again".

Meanwhile on the roof of the building Sister Agnes passes a note to Mother Superior Margaret. It read "See, I told you I could get people to pay $200 a throw to come and see your orchid garden".

LB
11th February 2004, 18:17
WARNING: Youngsters may not get these:

What's brown and got booties in it?
Dingo poo

What goes 100 miles an hour round Ayers Rock?
A dingo doing a victory lap

What did Charles say to Diana at Ayers Rock?
"But Diana, I thought William was with you"


I LOVE all the baby jokes coming out....I'm glad there's others as sick as me.

Big Dog
11th February 2004, 18:25
Sheryl goes to a tatoo parlour and says to the ink slinger I want a tattoo that will be a permanant reminder of my love for my husband on our anniversary.

After some discussion it comes about that she calls her butterfly because thats how gentle his kisses are. So the decision is made to put a butterfly on her bum.

The artist says "I can only do the outline today otherwise you won't be able to sit down tonight. Sheryl is disappointed :disapint: but aggrees.

Three hours later she's at her anniversary dinner with her beloved, but can't sit still.

Peter say's "What's wrong with you? You have acted as if you have ants in your pants all evening."
Sheryl say's "My arse is itchy".
Peter looks blankly at her.
Sheryl goes on "I got the love of my life Tattoo'd on my bum today as an anniversary gift for you."

Later that night Sheryl strips off and bends over for Peter to admire her new decorations.

Silence.

Sheryl looks around to find an enraged husband looking back at her. Not the response she expected at all.

Sheryl starts off with "Its not that bad hon, He could only do the outline today, he'll add some colour tommorow".

Pete's stony reply was "Who the f*&^ is BOB?" :shit:

Big Dog
11th February 2004, 18:29
WARNING: Youngsters may not get these:

I LOVE all the baby jokes coming out....I'm glad there's others as sick as me.
What about the biggest selling Mcdonalds burger of the eighties.... (sensitive types better not read on)

The McJackson, 33yr old meat between 12yr old buns. :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

SPman
11th February 2004, 20:27
Right
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again,and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.
A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady steps out of her drawers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence.
Well, what follows is 20 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen.
The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal.
Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the young man is stunned.
Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner. He says,
"Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't
electrified!!!"

What?
12th February 2004, 06:01
Young man :msn-wink: Marc Bolan was lead singer of a band called T Rex who died after planting his mini in a lrage oak tree. I shall now remove the hook from my lip.:niceone:
Funny thing is, he wrote lots of songs about cars, then died in one. But he wasn't driving - he was scared of driving so never learned to do it. T'were his girlfriend, Gloria Jones, who planted the purple mini in a tree.

LB
12th February 2004, 06:28
What's the last thing to go through a bumblebee's mind as he hits your visor at 200+kph?
His asshole.

figjam
12th February 2004, 07:05
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her fanny.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

Hitcher
12th February 2004, 08:04
What's the last thing to go through a bumblebee's mind as he hits your visor at 200+kph?
His asshole.

I thought it was his sting...

Sharkey
12th February 2004, 08:14
Right
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't
electrified!!!"

ROTFLMAO. Beautiful.

bluninja
12th February 2004, 08:34
Two more sickies..


What's the definition of blood brothers? Two abortions in a bucket.
What's red a nd crawls up women's legs? Homesick abortion.

Big Dog
12th February 2004, 11:43
Funny thing is, he wrote lots of songs about cars, then died in one. But he wasn't driving - he was scared of driving so never learned to do it. T'were his girlfriend, Gloria Jones, who planted the purple mini in a tree.
"Tie a purple mini round the old oak tree....."

Big Dog
12th February 2004, 11:45
What do a Gynacologist, a lawyer and a tampon have in common?
There all without purpose unless they are stuck up c%^#s.

Big Dog
12th February 2004, 11:46
Whats the difference between a pub and a clitoris?

A man can find a pub in the dark in under 5 mins.

Big Dog
12th February 2004, 11:49
Washing machine.
Dishwasher.
Fridge.
Stove.
Woman.

Which is the odd one out and why?

SPman
12th February 2004, 19:58
Q:What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
Q:Not being retarded


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when
it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

Gee, you can just go on & on & on...............:o

pete376403
12th February 2004, 21:18
Does he? I'll have to check out the DVD...ooops...I sold the DVD player.....still I can play it on the PS2....whoops sold the TV....guess I'll have to miss some KB time and watch it on the PC.

He (Nemos dad) finished up a joke "with anemones like these who needs fronds" (or words to that effect) - is that the one you were recalling?

bluninja
12th February 2004, 21:21
He (Nemos dad) finished up a joke "with anemones like these who needs fronds" (or words to that effect) - is that the one you were recalling? LMAO, yes....I did manage to watch the last chapter on the DVD and found it. If you look back you'll see I posted it....but even better was Hitcher's punchline....go and have a look.

pete376403
12th February 2004, 21:29
(This one was more topical a few years back)

The makers of KY Jelly developed a Year 2000 compliant version - they called it Y2KY. It allowed you to insert 4 digits into your date.

marty
13th February 2004, 04:11
2 peanuts walked in to a bar. they weren't looking for any trouble, but one was a salted

LB
13th February 2004, 04:59
Washing machine.
Dishwasher.
Fridge.
Stove.
Woman.

Which is the odd one out and why?
errr....I don't get this. Can someone explain it please? (I was waiting for someone else to ask, but I must be the only thick one)

Al
13th February 2004, 05:49
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says,

"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed,slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she's always sound asleep!"
:yeah:

Al
13th February 2004, 06:02
Couldn't resist this one!


Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your
dog's name was Mypenis?

- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep
Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore.
He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with
the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was
looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 12:58
errr....I don't get this. Can someone explain it please? (I was waiting for someone else to ask, but I must be the only thick one)
I was hoping some answers would be forthcoming as it works better as a joke when people try to answer first. :moon:

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:00
Washing machine.
Dishwasher.
Fridge.
Stove.
Woman.

Which is the odd one out and why?

The stove the rest leak on the floor when f*^&ed.
:gob:

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:01
What does wife mean?
Washing,
Ironing,
Fucking,
Entertainment.

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:02
Why do women wear white to their wedding?


So that they will match the rest of the appliances.

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:06
How do you get a modern african american woman who is a part the womens lib movement to pick cotton?

Light the string to Oprahs tampon.

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:08
Why are Indians so crap at soccer?

Every time they get a corner they have to build a dairy on it. :confused:

Hitcher
13th February 2004, 13:10
Phew!! I hope that the race relations/human rights commissioner doesn't ride a motorbike...

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:25
Phew!! I hope that the race relations/human rights commissioner doesn't ride a motorbike...
Ok to get back on track.........
Why do elephants have four feet?

Because four inches could never satisfy a female elephant. :sly:

Hitcher
13th February 2004, 13:35
Elephant jokes... Woo hoo!!

Q: What's grey and comes in pints??

A: (figure it out guys)

Q: What's yellow and goes "click click"

A: A ballpoint banana (no, not a Japanese tourist)

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: Dung!

Q: What's green and carries a briefcase? (this one will date me)

A: Mucus Welby

Q: What's purple and sings?

A: Kiri te Kumera

Q: What's green and sings?

A: Elvis Parsley

Q: Who was purple and conquered the known world?

A: Alexander the Grape

Q: What's red and bounces?

A: A rubber tomato

Q: What's green, flat and has a wheel in each corner?

A: A lawn (I lied about the wheels)

...(waits for death threats)...

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:50
Q: What's yellow and goes "click click"

A: A ballpoint banana (no, not a Japanese tourist)
...(waits for death threats)...
No they would go "crick crick" :not: :laugh:

Hitcher
13th February 2004, 13:53
No they would go "crick crick" :not: :laugh:

But of course!! Tee hee...

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:55
What goes..................
Pink,

Black,

Pink,

Black,


Pink,

Black,

Pink,

Black,

Pink,
Black,
Pink,
Black,
Pink,
Black,
Pink,
Black,
Pink,Black,Pink,Black,Pink,Black,Pink,Black,Pink,B lack,Pink,Black,
Pink,
Black,
Pink,




W h i t e.












A negro having a w!@#

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 13:56
Before all the flames come pouring in I am not racist, just the best jokes are!

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 16:05
Why do women have such crap depth perception?
Because they are always being told this is 6 inches....
{ :moon: :moon: :moon: :moon: :moon: :moon: }

LB
13th February 2004, 16:08
What does wife mean?
Washing,
Ironing,
Fucking,
Entertainment.
I thought the "E" stood for "etc".....

LB
13th February 2004, 16:09
This is SUCH a good thread.....I have been laughing out loud each time I check it. Thanks Celtic.

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 16:13
I thought the "E" stood for "etc".....I guess this version must be for those who realise that even a remote cant go and get the dvd from the store or put it in the machine.lol.

Big Dog
13th February 2004, 16:46
Quasimodo due to his unfortunate deformities had a really bad riding accident and lost both arms. But with the help of acc he was rehabilitated to ring the church bells by taking a running leap at them and hitting them with his forehead.

Well a couple of years later he takes a holiday and so his brother comes to ring the bells in his abscence. Osh by this time has been involved and deemed the ropes too unsafe to have in the work place, so Quasimodo has to teach his brother to ring the bells with his forehead.

Well while quasimodo was on holiday his brother was ringing the bells and having a grand old time leaping about and headbutting the bells but as was sure to happen eventually he missed the one of the bells and fell to his death.

One of the police men asked the preist "Who was he?"

"I don't know I never met him all I know is that his face rings a bell."

SPman
13th February 2004, 21:12
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather, settled down for a day of sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could hardly stand the pain.
So he goes to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and said "well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I've got nothing at all to help you. However, try this" and he gives him one tablet of Viagra!
So the man says "but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going to do??" The doctor says "basically nothing at all for the sunburn, but it will help to keep the sheets off of your legs tonight!!"

marty
13th February 2004, 23:37
What does wife mean?
Washing,
Ironing,
Fucking,
Entertainment.

i always thought it was Washing Ironing Food and Entertainment.

i've only got an E in my house....

and i thought the woman was the odd one out, as it is the only one that couldn't be easily turned on, or do as it was told

LB
14th February 2004, 08:33
How do you get four elephants into a mini?
Two in the front and two in the back

What's yellow and black and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

figjam
14th February 2004, 08:37
Do you know the motto of the Christian, Dyslexic Bestiality Club?

In dog we thrust.

Al
14th February 2004, 15:23
Lucky Dog


Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I bit her. Now they are going to put me to sleep." The German Shepherd said "I was at the park and mauled this annoying little poodle yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep." The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her ." "So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others. "No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

Send Me a Bike or Else

A little boy at Christmas time is writing to Santa. He writes, "Dear Santa, I've been a good boy all year, please can I have a bike." Then he thinks that's not quite true, so he starts again and writes, "Dear Santa, I've been good all week, please can I have a bike," but again he thinks it's not quite true, so he writes another letter. This time he writes, "Dear Santa, I've been good all day, please can I have a bike." He's still not happy with it however and he thinks, 'Christmas isn't just about Santa.' So he runs downstairs and grabs the toy Mary from the nativity set. He takes the model back up to his room and writes a fourth letter. "Dear Jesus, I've got your mother and if you want to see her again, send me a bike."

:done:

Draco
14th February 2004, 22:15
Okay here's one for the girls:

Q: Why do men snore when they sleep on their back?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour-lock!

And for the guys:

Q: Why don't women fart as much as men?
A: Because they don't shutup long enough to build up the required pressure!

You lot are a bad influence on me.

Wenier
15th February 2004, 01:31
Q1: Why did the women cross the road?

Q2:Wuts the difference between Micheal Jackson and a Plastic Bag?

Wenier
15th February 2004, 01:32
A1: Thats not the point why was she out of the kitchen.

A2: Ones harmful to children the other isnt.

figjam
15th February 2004, 06:59
I bought a new audio system for my car. It's the most advanced one I could find; voice activated, which makes it hands free.

If you say "Rock," it plays rock and roll.

If you say "Soul," it plays Soul music.

If you say "Rhythm," it plays rhythm and blues.

I nearly ran over some kids today who jumped out in front of me. "F**kin kids!" I yelled at them.

It started playing Michael Jackson.

SPman
15th February 2004, 21:34
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:


Slowly across the desert san

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.



The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:



Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

figjam
16th February 2004, 06:56
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

PeteThePom
16th February 2004, 10:21
How do you get four elephants into a mini?
Two in the front and two in the back

What's yellow and black and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.
How do you get a lion in a mini........

















take the elephants out first!

PeteThePom
16th February 2004, 10:29
<TABLE style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ffffff 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #ffffff 1px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #ffffff 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ffffff 1px solid" cellSpacing=8 cellPadding=0 width="100%" align=center border=0 nowrap><TBODY><TR><TD>

</PRE></TD></TR><TR><TD><TABLE cellSpacing=8 cellPadding=0 width="100%" align=center border=0 nowrap><TBODY><TR><TD><SCRIPT><!--function Filtered(){return 0}//--></SCRIPT>A man walked into a quiet bar.He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon thebar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with thebartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learnednot to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the rest room. He left the ducks there on the bar.<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"Huey," replied the first duck. <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"How's your day been, Huey?" <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck. <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"Hi. And what's your name?" <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"Great Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply. <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"So, you must be Louie?" <O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had.



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

PeteThePom
16th February 2004, 10:31
<TABLE style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ffffff 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #ffffff 1px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #ffffff 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ffffff 1px solid" cellSpacing=8 cellPadding=0 width="100%" align=center border=0 nowrap><TBODY><TR><TD>

</PRE></TD></TR><TR><TD><TABLE cellSpacing=8 cellPadding=0 width="100%" align=center border=0 nowrap><TBODY><TR><TD><SCRIPT><!--function Filtered(){return 0}//--></SCRIPT><TT>Henry, an elderly man, was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a
young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he
said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze
flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good
times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman -
she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to
tell Jean, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean
zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making
love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not
so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,
L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she
is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story,
and pedalled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. "Pierre,
Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young
couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of
science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah,
L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in
reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine
bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in
the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to
Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went
inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze
woman,

she is not dead, she is British</TT>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

PeteThePom
16th February 2004, 10:35
--- Here's a dilemma for you....

With all your honor and dignity what would you do? The test only has

one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By

giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand

morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,

where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important

for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...



There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and

severe floods.


There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer

and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation

is nearly hopeless.


You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.


There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the

water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping

everything away with it.


Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life,

trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.




You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.




Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!




At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take

him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can

take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W.

Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo

displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.





And here's the question (please give an honest answer)















Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of



classic black and white?

SPman
16th February 2004, 16:07
An American, a Mexican, and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same one twice" The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

SPman
16th February 2004, 16:13
A guy is driving down a country road when he comes upon
a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that
is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these
apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They
are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands
him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes
a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's
great, but I thought you said that they were peanut
butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man
bites the other side and exclaims "Son of a gun - jelly!"
The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further
down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10
each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and
says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here,
try one." The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of
a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I
have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again
the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road.
He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples.
Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says,
"What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples.
Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This
apple tastes like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

figjam
17th February 2004, 07:04
A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an amusement park. They go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind of bored.

"What would you like to do next?" the young man asks.

"I wanna get weighed," she answers. So the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses weight. "One-twelve," says the man, and the scale confirms it.

Next they ride the roller coaster. After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn and cotton candy and asks what else she would like to do.

"I wanna get weighed," she answers. I really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, and, claiming he has a headache, he takes the girl home.

The girl's mother is surprised to see her home so early and asks, "What's wrong, dear? How was your date?

"The girl answers, "Wousy,"

Ms Piggy
17th February 2004, 08:54
--- Here's a dilemma for you....

With all your honor and dignity what would you do? The test only has

one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By

giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand

morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,

where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important

for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...



There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and

severe floods.


There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer

and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation

is nearly hopeless.


You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.


There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the

water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping

everything away with it.


Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life,

trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.




You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.




Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!




At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take

him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can

take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W.

Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo

displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.





And here's the question (please give an honest answer)















Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of



classic black and white?

HA HA HA!! Love it!! But seriously now, I think color would have more impact...don't you? :D

riffer
17th February 2004, 11:57
--- Here's a dilemma for you....Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
No brainer there Pete...

definitely the black and white. I'd pull out my OM2N with my 200/3.5 prime, and capture that sucker going down in perfect sharp detail...

Of course then you'd have to wait a while for the pics to be developed - bike parts are taking priority at present :msn-wink:

Slingshot
17th February 2004, 13:12
A CNN photographer would be using digital in this day and age, shoot the photos, minutes later they're heading along the satellite uplink, the editor gets them within 5 minutes, he copies the file...with one he de-saturates, and the other he leaves in full colour, runs a print off each and decides that B&W is the way to go.
The image is published!
Within hours of the image being released, it's all over the internet, George Bush's head has now been replaced by that of Michael Jackson's and you can just make out the image of the little boy arse that Michael is trying to grab.
The End

Al
17th February 2004, 14:54
Anal Deodorant
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

:innocent:

Motoracer
18th February 2004, 16:20
3 Vampires

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of hot water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of hot water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

Motoracer
18th February 2004, 16:31
Types of People You'd Meet in a Bathroom

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not

CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later

INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink

CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor

WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection

FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug

ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants

CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble

TOUGH : Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it

PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand

EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both

DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away

CONCEITED : Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat

DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants

SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed

Motoracer
18th February 2004, 16:32
Two brunettes and a blonde...

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.
The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."

So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!"

And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

onearmedbandit
18th February 2004, 21:22
G W Bush and Osama Bin Laden are dropped onto a desert island to sort out their differences. Shortly thereafter they find a magic lantern, from which appears a genie. The genie informs them that they have one wish each, and as Osama found the lantern he can go first.

Osama thinks long and hard and say, 'I want a 2 mile high wall, constructed of concrete with titanium reinforcing, 100 metres thick around Afghanastans border. I want it so no-one can get in and no-one can get out.' The genie grants his wish.

George Bush turns to the genie and says, 'This wall, 2 miles high, 100 metres thick, nothing can get in or get out right?' The genie answers that this is so. 'Fill it with water' say Bush.


A guy, down on his luck, no money to his name, wanders aimlessly down a street. Kicking a can along the ground he stumbles on a old bottle. Picking up the bottle he wipes it down, when suddenly two genies appear. They inform him that he has 3 wish's, which he makes.

He quickly makes his way home, open the door and sure enough, his lounge is filled with Playboy models waiting for him. They start grabbing him, ripping off his clothes, and hes thinking, 'fuk, my first wish has come true!'. They all make their way to his bedroom, which is now filled with cash, gold, jewellary, all the riches a man could ask for. 'Well fuk me, my 2nd wish has come true'.

Now heavily involved with the models, he hears a loud thumping at his front door. He goes to see who it is, when he's jumped by two Ku Klux Klan members, hoods and all. They beat him down, tie him up and chuck him in the back of their ute. They bounce of down a dusty road until they arrive at the tallest tree. Chucking a rope over a branch, they tie the other end in a noose and hang our not so lucky man.

After the last signs of life are gone, the two KKK members take their hoods off, to reveal the two genies. The first genie says to the second, 'You know, those first two wish's were pretty normal right?'. 'Sure, sure', say the second, 'pretty normal'. 'But the last wish confuses me' the first genie replies, 'why would anyone want to be 'hung like a black man'?'

Sharkey
19th February 2004, 07:32
George Bush turns to the genie and says, 'This wall, 2 miles high, 100 metres thick, nothing can get in or get out right?' The genie answers that this is so. 'Fill it with water' say Bush.


George Bush could never come up with a line like that. Never.

Motoracer
19th February 2004, 14:43
Since we are on the topic...

Why did George Bush cross the road?
Beause his penis was stuck in the chicken!

riffer
19th February 2004, 14:49
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for the teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet. The candy-store owner's daughter handed the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid withy her finger and tasted it.

"It is wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy.

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"
"A puppy!"

Big Dog
19th February 2004, 15:27
How do you know when your athelete girlfreind is taking too many steroids?




She bends you over and fucks you up the arse with her clitoris.:buggerd: :doctor: :buggerd:

Ms Piggy
19th February 2004, 22:30
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able to take time off on flex. But there had to be a way ....... One of the two public servants suddenly
lifted his head.

"I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his
director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up.

"Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Sure enough, just then the Director emerged from the Branch Head's
office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" he said.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's
an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir,' the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged
off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

Al
19th February 2004, 23:25
A man in his sixties goes to the Doctor. The Dr. checks him out and tells him everything is fine. The Doctor asked if he had any questions. The man stated he did. "I have been wondering about my penis. When I was 17 and it was hard I could not bend it." When I was in my 40's and it was hard I could bend it a little bit." Now that I am in my 60's and it gets hard I can bend the hell out of it." Doc tell me am I getting stronger

Edna and Bill were quite the item at the nursing home. Even thought they were both 90 they would sit together every every night. And even though they were too old to make love she would hold his penis in her hand as they sat together.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 90 years old." "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."
Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took th
The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

:D

figjam
21st February 2004, 07:58
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

Amazed, the student replaced the cork in the rectum and the music stopped.

Totally freaked out, the student called the medical examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the medical examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner. "Any asshole can sing country music."

Lou Girardin
24th February 2004, 06:18
Then there was the dyslexic, amnesiac, agnostic.
He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

What time is bedtime at Neverland?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Lou

SPman
24th February 2004, 12:33
Dear Tide Detergent.

. I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older, and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative. My attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

Goddess of Goof
25th February 2004, 21:20
Men strike back! ;)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.
There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.
He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then,
neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
:puke:

SPman
25th February 2004, 21:37
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
<O:p

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Big Dog
26th February 2004, 16:38
A young couple get married but as a part of their premarital advice they are informed that if you don't have sex in the first month of marriage it will last longer (the marriage).

So 7 days after the wedding the preist stops by to check on things.
The new bride is home. She blushes and confesses to nearly perpetual carnal thoughts but says they have managed to hold on.

So 14 days after the wedding the preist stops by to check on things.
The new husband is home. He blushes and confesses to nearly perpetual carnal thoughts but says they have managed to hold on despite a few close calls.

So 21 days after the wedding the preist stops by to check on things.
The new husband and the wife are home. They blush and confess to nearly perpetual carnal thoughts but say they have managed to hold on despite a few close calls, and have had to resort to sleeping in different rooms.

So after 28 days the preist stops by again but no-one was home at the appointed time. Thinking this curious the priest seizes the opportunity to nip in to the local. When he gets there he finds the new husband much the worse for wear and obviously celebrating.

The priest asked him "how are your last few days of celibacy going?"

The new Husband replied "Well it went well for the first three weeks as you know but this evening Helen was getting some peas out of the freezer for dinner and they fell on the floor well she bent to pick them up. I walked up behind her grabbed her hips and...."
The priest glowing red with rage interupted :angry2: "I see were you are going with this you foul sinner you shall be excommunicated and never allowed back into the church ever again" :angry2:

To which the new husband calmly replied "thats cool we are not welcome back at Woolworths either". :finger:

LB
9th March 2004, 05:06
I just remembered another one. (CSL: thanks for starting this great thread!!)

Why do dog turds taper off at the ends?

So their assholes don't snap shut.

pete376403
9th March 2004, 22:59
(This is old...) Farmer goes behind the barn and sees Billy-Bob jerking off. Thinking its time to put an end to this foolishness, he arranges for Billy-Bob to get married to the neighbours daughter, Peggy-Sue
Some time after the wedding, he goes around the back of the barn and there's Billy-Bob, furiously whacking away.
"Tarn it Billy-Bob, youre married, doesn't Peggy-Sue take care of things for you now"? and Billy-Bob say "well Jeez, Pa, her little arm gets so tired..."

LB
10th March 2004, 05:10
A MAN AND HIS SHEEP

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several
weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls
a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy
doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet explains that they will stop standing around and,
instead, will lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man gives it some thought and eventually comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate the
sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the
woods, and has sex with all of them. When he is done his deed, he
returns home with the sheep.

The next morning, he awakens to find that the sheep are still standing
around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and so he loads
them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, and then returns home with the sheep.

The next morning, he awakens to find that the sheep are still standing
around. One more try, he tells himself, and he proceeds to load them up
and drive them out to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the
sheep and, later that evening, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the sheep. He asks his wife to see if the sheep are lying in the
grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking
the horn."

Big Dog
10th March 2004, 10:31
How do you make a leper soup?

Run him a bath.

How do lepers save on sex?

Rather than buy ky they just pick the scabs.

james
10th March 2004, 12:58
hi all this joke has been shortened

a major in the army has the trouble of picking to soldiers to let go because of cut backs but he decides hes going to compensate these men with a good pay out
he gets the soldiers to line up and says to them
ok guys you both have been good soldiers but i have to let you go,but ive come up with a good way of paying you,ive decided where going to measure from your balls to the end of your dick and what ever the measurement is we will pay you this amount so drop your pant men
the major gets his tape measure and measures the first man,ok nine inches thats nine thousand for you,the major moves to the second man and looks down,where the fucks your balls soldier,the soldier looks up at the major and replies korea.

Wenier
10th March 2004, 13:02
--- Here's a dilemma for you....
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of

classic black and white?


well pete i would have to say Black and White cus the pictures definitly have more impact when its this situation.

But if i were an actual photographer i would have a colour camera as well as black and white so i could chose the better photo when developed wicked question :)

Wenier
10th March 2004, 13:14
a guy and girl are lying in bed jus after having sex. The girl is stroking the guys penis, he says "do u want more?", she says "No im jus admiring it i use to have one jus like it!" :laugh:

Three tampons are walking down the street, Carefree, Tampax, and Fluer. Which one stops to talk to ya? (ill answer it later) :D

james
10th March 2004, 13:16
An eskimo pushes his brokendown snowmobile into the dealer's workshop.
The mechanic lifts the seat, looks at the engine, looks at the eskimo and says
"It looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the eskimo responds
"No, it's just the frost on my beard!"


priceless mate that had me rolling on the floor

SPman
10th March 2004, 16:12
Apples

A guy is driving down a country road when he comes upon
a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that
is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these
apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They
are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands
him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes
a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's
great, but I thought you said that they were peanut
butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man
bites the other side and exclaims "Son of a gun - jelly!"
The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further
down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10
each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and
says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here,
try one." The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of
a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I
have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again
the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road.
He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples.
Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says,
"What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples.
Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This
apple tastes like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

Motoracer
10th March 2004, 16:18
Lol, that was funny the first time round SP. You posted that joke on this thread back on the 16th of Feb. :lol:

Wenier
11th March 2004, 15:19
Three tampons are walking down the street, Carefree, Tampax, and Fluer. Which one stops to talk to ya? (ill answer it later) :D


And ye answer be Non of em cus they are all stuck up cunts :laugh:

Have a good day all :)

White trash
11th March 2004, 15:42
And ye answer be Non of em cus they are all stuck up cunts :laugh:

Have a good day all :)

You grubby little prick!



That's the last time I :apint: with you! :laugh:

SPman
11th March 2004, 18:48
Lol, that was funny the first time round SP. You posted that joke on this thread back on the 16th of Feb. :lol:Bugger! - must be Alzheimers :confused2

CantRemember
14th March 2004, 19:10
took his girlfriend out into the fog and mist?

(I have had at least two days of unconrtollable tears running down my face reading this magnificent thread)

Cheers,
Jamie

Goddess of Goof
30th March 2004, 22:15
:spudwave:
I have had at least two days of unconrtollable tears running down my face reading this magnificent thread) Cheers, Jamie[/b]
Jamie is right, Gals and Guys ! WE GOTTA KEEP IT UP ! This thread is too good to languish for want of contributions. Humour, so hard to come by....

Three Tortoises

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is
that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they arrive Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it"
Mick gets worried, he turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses - as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace......

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock nearby and shouts......

"I KNEW IT! ......I'M NOT GOING!"

Al
31st March 2004, 05:59
Here are a few more, these are quite "tasteless" (pardon the pun!!!) :

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."


The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

:puke:

Ms Piggy
31st March 2004, 15:54
Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband "Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

:Punk:

Al
2nd April 2004, 06:55
THE ROMP
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex, but the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said. The man replied, "That¹s good, because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

WHITE MAN
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?" The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

HOME EARLY
One day, a construction worker left his job a little early. When he got home, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his penis in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

BROTHEL SIGN
Q: What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?
A: Beat it, we're closed.

THE AFFAIR
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One day, she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough, at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. He began to make love to her, and with each passing moment, the woman grew more furious at her husband. Finally, unable to restrain herself any longer, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and fumed, "Surprised?" "I sure am!" stammered the chauffeur.

DRUGSTORE
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

TWO VULTURES
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

ABUSIVE PATIENT
A man was admitted into the hospital and quickly showed himself to be a jerk by verbally abusing the nursing staff. One morning, the head nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back." She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

BREAKFAST
An older couple sits down to breakfast on their fiftieth anniversary‹stark naked. The wife says, "Oh, Harold, this is just like 50 years ago. My breasts feel all warm and tingly." He says, "They ought to, Gladys. One's hanging in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."

TROOP TRIP
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late‹several of her girls had seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing. "Well, if you must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration," the troop leader insisted. "Wow, " exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

DEFINITION
Definition of an orgasm: the gland finale.

MALE APPEAL
A study in London showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

THE OLD BOAT
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of tourists who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could from the sunken vessel. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

THAT'S WHY
Q: Why does a dog lick its penis?
A: Because it can't make a fist.

THE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the husband. "Did she like it?" his buddy asked. "Oh, yes. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"

THAT'S HOW II
Q: How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A: It isn't hard.

MOMMY
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mommy, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

Big Dog
2nd April 2004, 22:15
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like a choir boy!
:lol:

Goddess of Goof
2nd April 2004, 23:02
How God Created the Earth .......

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Arch-Angel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds...
"Look Michael, look what I've made"
The Arch-Angel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of Balance."
"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth - while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God explained, pointing to all the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice".
The Arch Angel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass surrounded by ocean and said "What's that one?"
"Aaah", God beamed, "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, pristine beaches, braided rivers, fast-running streams, towering Alps and green hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world all over. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of Peace."
Michail gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed "What about the Balance, God?" "You said there will be BALANCE !"
God replied wisely, "Oh Yes!' "Wait until you see the losers I'm putting next to them..."
"I call them Australians !!!!"

:D
(not bad, for a Boss.)

Al
3rd April 2004, 08:13
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."


Life Explained
On the first day G-d created the cow. G-d said, "You must go to the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life if you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 years and I'll give back the other 40." And G-d agreed.

On the second day, G-d created the dog. G-d said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years, and I'll give back the other 10." So G-d agreed (sigh).

On the third day G-d created the monkey. G-d said, entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And G-d agreed again.

On the fourth day G-d created man. G-d said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you 20 years."

Man said, "What? Only 20 years? No way. Tell you what, I'll take my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the dog gave back and the 10 the monkey gave back. That makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said G-d. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grand-children and for the last 10 years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

Kickaha
3rd April 2004, 18:53
Bobby was in a car crash when he was 4 years old.

As a result of his injury he was blind. All of the doctors Tests and operations could not restore Bobbys' sight.

One evening when he was heading up to bed his mother said to Him.

"Bobby do you know what night this is?"

"No mommy what night is it?" Said Bobby as he felt along the wall to his bed room.

"This is wish night, and if a child wishes real hard on this night it will come true"

"Really???!!!!" said Bobby. "Could I see again???!!!!"

"Yes." Said his mother as she tucked him into the bed.

"But only if you wish very hard".

Little Bobby sat in his bed wishing. He wished as hard as he could. He held his breath so he could put the energy for breathing in to wishing.

His little body rocked back and forth his finger nails cut into the palms of his hands as he gripped them into fists. Just before 4 am the Little boy fell asleep exhausted. When his mother woke him up the next day Bobby said.



"Mommy... Mommy... I still can't see!"





"I know", said his mother, "April fool."

Al
3rd April 2004, 21:01
Talking Clock
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”


Biggest PeePee
Biggest Pee Pee:
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."


So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."


A young boy of 5 was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside her house for a while when he came into the house. "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other? She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It is called sexual intercourse darling." The little guy just said "Ok" and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother: "Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunks"

Kickaha
4th April 2004, 08:11
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what is it for?" he asks.

"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Not for a priest with a small parish."

Hitcher
4th April 2004, 17:45
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Kickaha
5th April 2004, 20:03
Two Rugby teams, one from Auckland and the other from Christchurch, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend Rugby match in Brisbane.

The Christchurch team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Auckland team rode on the top level. The Christchurch team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized he hasn't heard anything from the Aucklanders upstairs.

He decided to go up and investigate. When the Christchurch bloke reached the top, he found all the Aucklanders frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Christchurch bloke asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Aucklanders looks up at him, swallows hard and whispered,





"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."

Hitcher
7th April 2004, 21:18
This bar in the US midwest was a favourite weekend biker haunt.

This particular Sunday the place was packed with middle-aged, balding, bespectacled, leather-clad bikers. The carpark was filled with their Harleys.

One of the bikers stands up to leave. He's huge -- about 7' tall and built like a pro wrestler. He picks up his helmet and leaves.

A couple of minutes later the bar doors crash open. The big biker storms in to a deathly silence.

"Who's stolen my Harley?" he demands, in a deep booming Texas drawl.

Silence.

"I'm going to buy a beer," the big Texan said. "I'm going to drink it slowly and, if my Harley's not back when I'm finished, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS!!"

There's a sudden rush for the door by the assembled bikers. A couple of minutes later the only people remaining in the bar are the bar-keeper and the big Texan, who's slowly sipping his beer.

A few minutes later he drains his glass, stands up, picks up his helmet and adjourns to the carpark.

Fascinated, the bar-keeper follows him outside.

There, parked in the middle of the carpark is the big Texan's bike. He walks up to it and mounts.

The bar-keeper walks up to him and says

"That was pretty impressive. What was it exactly that you did in Texas?"

"I walked home..."

riffer
8th April 2004, 13:15
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

he farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."





Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

merv
8th April 2004, 16:04
Here's a few pics to start Easter with - some of you may have seen these before but here goes.

Kickaha
9th April 2004, 16:01
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."


The rest is history...

moko
12th April 2004, 06:52
How do you know when an Aussie bird`s had an orgasm?
Her chewing-gum falls out.

Have you heard about De Niro`s new film?He`s playing Dr Harold Shipman in "The Old Dear Hunter"

Englishman on the Titanic "Save the children"
Yank on the Titanic "Fuck the Children"
Priest on the Titanic "Have we got time?"

George W. Bush walks into a pub with a pig under his arm,the Barman asks,"where did you get that?" The Pig replies,"I won it in a raffle"

Seen Stevie Wonder`s new house?
Neither has he

How did Stevie Wonder cut his fingers?
Trying to read the Cheese-Grater

Blind guy stands in the middle of a shop swinging his guide dog around his head by it`s lead.Assistant gets worried,"Can i help you sir?","No thanks I`m just looking around"

How do you get 200 Somalis in a biscuit tin?
Tell them it floats

What were Jesus`s last words on the cross?
No-one touch my Easter Egg,I`ll be back on Sunday

man walks into a pub with a small amphibian on his shoulder
Barman:"What`s that?"
Man:"His name`s Tiny"
Barman:"Why do you call him Tiny?"
Man:"because he`s my newt"

Al
12th April 2004, 09:23
Hey, you heard about the
new Italian Tyres?
Dago round.
Dago through mud.
Dago through snow.
Dago everywhere.
And when Dago flat, Dago
Wop, Wop, Wop...


Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father",
his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want
to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark
and steel the fucking thing!"

This cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he
caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.
"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.
"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a
young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a
leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."
"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it."
said the young bloke.
"And what's that?" said the cop.
"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in
a blue uniform!"


A bloke was driving along in his car, minding his own business, when
a cop car pulled him over. As he got out of the car a huge pile of rubbish
and crap fell out of the driver's door and onto the cop's feet.
"This car is a fucking pig - sty!" the copper snarled
"Well, you better hop in then " the bloke said with a smile

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
:innocent:

Al
12th April 2004, 17:35
A lady was doing her spring cleaning in her 12th floor apartment. She was just
shaking out a rug on her balcony when a strong gust of wind caught the rug and
carried her over the edge.
As she was falling, a bloke reached out of the eighth floor window and caught her.
"Do you fuck?" the bloke asked.
"No, of course I don't!" the woman replied, so the bloke dropped her.
As she hurtled past the fifth floor, another bloke caught her.
"Do you suck?" he asked.
"Definitely not!" the woman replied angrily, so the bloke also dropped her.
As she approached the earth, she prayed to god to give her another chance
at life.
As she plummeted past the second floor a third bloke miraculously caught her.
"I fuck!, I suck!" the woman screamed in a frenzy of fear.
"Dirty slut," the bloke said, and let her go.

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,
they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic
herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety
of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the
teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries,
lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers
in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and
Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're arseholes!"

This bloke walks into a clock shop, walks up to the girl at the
counter, undoes his fly and puts his cock on the counter.
The girl behind the counter says, "Excuse me sir, this is a clock
shop, not a cock shop!"
So the bloke says, "So put two hands and a face on it!"


:done:

Skyryder
12th April 2004, 20:46
I want to know the end of the joke in Finding Nemo about the mollusc and the sea cucumber.

This mollusc walked over to this sea cucmber...well he didn't walk actually..molluscs don't have legs or feet......so this mollusc goes over to this sea cucumber......

Does anyone know the rest....could anyone make up the rest of the joke?

A mollusc goes over to a sea cucumber and asks if he has any bread.

"Yes I do" says the Sea Cucumber, "But it will cost all that you have."

But that is too much says the Mollusc and off he goes to the Sea Lettuce.

"Hey Sea Lettuce," says the Mollusc "Do you have any bread to eat with the Sea Cucumber"

"Yes I do" says Sea Lettuce, "and all I want is the shell on your back"


Yea OK I know it's a bit cheezy But it's the best I can do for now.

Skyryder

wkid_one
12th April 2004, 20:57
A lady was doing her spring cleaning in her 12th floor apartment. She was just
shaking out a rug on her balcony when a strong gust of wind caught the rug and
carried her over the edge.
As she was falling, a bloke reached out of the eighth floor window and caught her.
"Do you fuck?" the bloke asked.
"No, of course I don't!" the woman replied, so the bloke dropped her.
As she hurtled past the fifth floor, another bloke caught her.
"Do you suck?" he asked.
"Definitely not!" the woman replied angrily, so the bloke also dropped her.
As she approached the earth, she prayed to god to give her another chance
at life.
As she plummeted past the second floor a third bloke miraculously caught her.
"I fuck!, I suck!" the woman screamed in a frenzy of fear.
"Dirty slut," the bloke said, and let her go.

That isn;t that funny as she would be likely to survive the fall from the second floor.

Ms Piggy
12th April 2004, 21:29
That isn;t that funny as she would be likely to survive the fall from the second floor.

Now that's funny!! :killingme

Al
12th April 2004, 23:18
Punctuation is funny though!
Did you know this was a joke... :kick:

DeanOh
13th April 2004, 11:37
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60,died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25,won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner,"this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

DeanOh
13th April 2004, 11:52
Billy Connolly on "Things I hate about everybody...."
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my trousers fly when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, you dick-head, I paid 15 dollars to come to the movies to stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an age
I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it up your McArse you McF*cking Mcdickhead.
14. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?"... "Yes, I'm fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off then"

Ms Piggy
13th April 2004, 18:23
This isn't a rude joke but it tickled my funny bone! :killingme

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today, an
individual, later discovered to be a public school
teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide
rule, and a calculator.

Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member
of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged
with carrying Weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft
said."They desire average solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of
absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures,
with names like "X" and "Y", and, although they are
frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really
belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great
Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,"there are 3 sides
to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction,
he would have given us more fingers and toes."

SPman
15th April 2004, 13:22
A baby Seal walks into a club.......

moko
18th April 2004, 03:48
Final whistle of their last game in the Rugby World cup,All Blacks put their heads in their hands...................and drop them ;)

Ghost Lemur
18th April 2004, 08:47
Final whistle of their last game in the Rugby World cup,All Blacks put their heads in their hands...................and drop them ;)


Bahahahaha :lol:

Classic.

SPman
18th April 2004, 20:56
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

SPman
18th April 2004, 20:58
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

SPman
18th April 2004, 21:01
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

SPman
18th April 2004, 21:13
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

DeanOh
21st April 2004, 10:05
There are allegations that Victoria Beckham had an affair last weekend with
Michael Jackson.

Jackson has denied this as he says he was in Brooklyn at the time.

DeanOh
21st April 2004, 10:12
Get well soon, you cheating bastard

Skunk
21st April 2004, 13:23
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

He says to his buddy at lunch,

"Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder,
gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!"

"A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves
another performance."

"Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited
quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I
gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We
immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

Ms Piggy
21st April 2004, 15:09
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY SHE
CAN ALSO THINK. :Punk:

pete376403
21st April 2004, 17:41
Helen Clark from New Zealand while visiting GW Bush at his ranch just before a state visit thought she could have a little fun with American by using her ventriloquist skills.

Hey George, good looking dog, mind if I speak with him?"
”Don't be stupid, Helen, the dog doesn't talk"
Turning to the dog Helen said "Hello dog, howzit going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
GW Bush is astonished.
Helen: "Is this guy your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Helen: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day when he’s here, feeds me great food and takes me to the range once a week to chase rabbits."
GW’s mouth falls open in utter disbelief.
Helen then asks GW if she can talk to his horse.
GW still trying to come to terms that his dog seems to be able to talk said "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think."
Helen: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Now GW is absolutely dumbfounded.
Helen: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"
Helen: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, has one of his hands brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
GW staggers back in amazement.
Helen then turns to GW and says: "Mind if I talk to that sheep over there?"
GW and blurts out: "Nope, ‘cause it a liar”

Big Dog
21st April 2004, 17:42
Whats the Difference between the Warriors and a Triangle?

A triangle has three points! :killingme

Goddess of Goof
23rd April 2004, 01:32
"What do you call a midget psychic with criminal intentions ...?"













A small medium at large !




:doobey:

moko
26th April 2004, 00:26
Get well soon, you cheating bastard

Maradonna me old mate,the real hand of God is clutching your windpipe and he`s gonna squeeze real soon,adios Argy puta from all your fans in England :bye:

Goddess of Goof
28th April 2004, 23:44
Chemist Prescription

A woman walks into a chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says "What do you want with arsenic?"

She says "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having
sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."


:cool:

Al
29th April 2004, 07:00
A guy walks into a bar, puts his pet rabbit up on the mahogany, and
starts drinking. While he's drinking, the rabbit starts doing little
rabbit pellets on the bar.

After a while, he leaves, and another guy, a real loudmouth, walks in.
He says, "Hey, barkeep, give me a drink for me, a drink for you, what
do you say, there's nothing to do."

He has a few drinks, and the whole time he's running his mouth,
annoying the bartender. Finally, he spots the rabbit pellets. He says,
"Hey, barkeep, what are these?" The bartender says, "They're smart
pills." The loudmouth says, "Can I try a few?" The bartender says,
"Knock yourself out." The guy pops a few in his mouth, chews for a while,
then spits them out and exclaims, "Yuck! These taste like shit!" The
bartender says, "You're getting smarter already."

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"


A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes
to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick
him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they
kick him out, too.
By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says,
"Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!"
The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five dollars,
we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man.
He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom.

The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a
whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as
he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. The horny guy
waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY!
WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"


Down at the Bowery a wino told his drinking buddy, "I'll never forget the
first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women.
"Yeah ? What happened?" his friend inquired.
"I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle." the wino answered.


:bleh: :eek5:

pete376403
29th April 2004, 11:00
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A
cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."
================================================== =====

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at
her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery...."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after hisSunday morning service, and
she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
================================================== ==
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall. The drunk mumbles,

"ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either"....

Milky
29th April 2004, 11:38
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


Just a few more i found in the depths of my harddrive:

Capitalism for Dummies!

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

dutch captialism : You have two cows wearing wooden shoes, you always find the way that will not offend either cow of you so you can all happily co-exist and smoke pot together...

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They do not have bio-chemical weapons. They are bio-chemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

Milky
29th April 2004, 11:42
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you would have produced enough sound energy
to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of
an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when
it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they
do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza
every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming
1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed
by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from
their bodies, including their eyebrows and
eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
30 times its own weight and always falls over on
its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that
makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the
most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that
is like a human jumping the length of a football
field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head
before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
head is attached to its body. The female initiates
sex by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
After reading all these, all I can say is....Damn
Pigs.

Milky
29th April 2004, 11:44
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one
in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the
typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on
4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a
dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.


There are only four words in the English language which
end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous,
and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora
la Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time
displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture
dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great
pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play
football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third
largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the
upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield"
and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand
corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You"
theme? Paul Reiser himself.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female
gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to
speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up
when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing
cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his
pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.


The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with
only the left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court
swearing to a statement made by swearing on their
testicles.

Milky
29th April 2004, 11:46
1.The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over
the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.
2.Average life span of a major league baseball: 7
pitches.
3.A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows
why.
4.In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's
Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in
taxicabs, for instance) but did not renumber the
other channel assignments. That is why your TV
set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
5.The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.
6.The only 15 letter word that can be spelled
without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
7.Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
8.Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
9.The reason firehouses have circular stairways is
from the days of yore when the engines were
pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.
10.The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the
"American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don
McLean song.)
11.When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not
"playing." They actually pass out from sheer
terror.
12.The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over
an inch every year because when it was built,
engineers failed to take into account the weight
of all the books that would occupy the building.
13.Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history. Spades - King David;
Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -
Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
14.111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
15.If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in
battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle; if the horse has all four legs on the
ground, the person died of natural causes.
16.Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their
unwanted people without killing them used to
burn their houses down - hence the expression
"to get fired."
17.Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.
18."I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the
English language.
19.The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II
fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their
airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine
gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before
being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired
all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9
yards."
20.Hershey's Kisses are called that because the
machine that makes them looks like it's kissing
the conveyor belt.
21.The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law which stated that you couldn't beat
your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
22.An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
23.The longest recorded flight of a chicken is
thirteen seconds.
24.The Eisenhower interstate system requires that
one mile in every five must be straight. These
straight sections are usable as airstrips in times
of war or other emergencies.
25.David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit
in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and
didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over
by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of
the movie.
26.The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used
in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle,
G.P.
27.The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as
many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was
built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities
for blacks and whites.
28.The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only
six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
29.Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
30.The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than
the lowest point in Colorado.
31.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected
intravenously.
32.If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the
largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.
33.No NFL team which plays its home games in a
domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
34.The first toilet ever seen on television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".
35.The only two days of the year in which there are
no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or
NFL) are the day before and the day after the
Major League All-Star Game.
36.Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or
older.
37.The name Wendy was made up for the book
"Peter Pan."
38.In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice
without a hunting license.
39.It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with
enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Milky
29th April 2004, 11:46
continued 'cos i ran out of space in that last post :(

40.Thirty-five percent of the people who use
personal ads for dating are already married.
41.There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a
McDonald's Big Mac bun.
42.The world's termites outweigh the world's humans
10 to 1.
43.Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new
cars.
44.The 3 most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that
order.
45.When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels
at a rate of 25 miles per year.
46.It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not
downstairs.
47.The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
48.Humans are the only primates that don't have
pigment in the palms of their hands.
49.Ten percent of the Russian government's income
comes from the sale of vodka.
50.Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are
recently arrived immigrants.
51.On average, 100 people choke to death on
ball-point pens every year.
52.In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy
than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
53.Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
54.Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8
years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
55.Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
56.The cigarette lighter was invented before the
match.
57.Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee,
cola, apple, and chocolate.
58.According to one study, 24% of lawns have some
sort of lawn ornament in their yard.

Milky
29th April 2004, 11:49
And finally:

Deep thoughts for the weekend!
1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
6. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
7. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember half the people you know are below average.
10. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
13. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14. When everything's coming your way, chances are that you're traveling in the wrong lane.
15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
16. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
18. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
19. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
20. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
21. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
24. A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
26. Plan to be spontaneous----tomorrow.
27. Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane.
28. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
29. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
30. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener

Congratulations to anyone who actually read all those posts of mine.. you have perserverence beyond my imagination

SpankMe
29th April 2004, 12:27
Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.

pete376403
29th April 2004, 13:27
Proof that marriage exists within nature :yes:

Penta
30th April 2004, 13:33
Great joke, good one loved it.

Penta
30th April 2004, 13:41
Great joke, good one loved it.
in ref to Figjam's earlier joke

Penta
30th April 2004, 13:48
Okay then. (SPman: I liked your one a lot - okay if I pass it on??)

What's more fun than pinning a baby up to a rotary clothesline by it's ears and spinning it round at 160KPH?
Stopping it with a spade.

What's more fun than nailing babies up on the wall?
Ripping them off again.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was nailed to the back of a chicken.

Why have babies got soft spots in the tops of their heads?
So the doctors can carry them five at a time.

I did warn you.......



These jokes are disgusting, you sick "MF"s

Goddess of Goof
1st May 2004, 00:02
Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Biker Bill and his wife Carol listened to the instructor declare : “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.....”

She addressed the men : “Can you each name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Bill leaned over, touched Carol’s arm gently and whispered : “Self raising isn’t it?’


<O:p</O:p

Al
1st May 2004, 00:38
Ok folks, I have overstepped the boundaries of "sick/gross" jokes, no more of those from me again.. :Oops:

Al
1st May 2004, 00:39
All gone now :2thumbsup

Milky
1st May 2004, 15:38
:eek5:.... and i thought that the first ones were bad enough. Now I am truly disgusted :sick: From now on I will give this thread a wide berth

CantRemember
1st May 2004, 18:15
A bum was strolling through the countryside when he realised he needed to find a bathroom. This was not something he could do behind a tree. In a short while he spied an old house and thought he should investigate.

On approaching the house, the bum caught the whiff of a strong smell coming from somewhere around the house. Undeterred he pressed on and rang the front door bell. An old lady opened the door, the bum explained his predicament and asked politely if he could use the toilet. The old lady directed him to the outside khazi in the back yard.

The bum made his way to the corner of the house and caught a whiff the same stench he had smelt earlier. As he turned the corner, the smell grew. But his need was so great that he had no choice but to press on.

On reaching the back of the house, the smell was so over-powering he could barely keep going. But he went on on. Finally, he reached the door of the outside khazi, opened it, and was nearly blown off his feet by the stench.

But his body was telling him that he really had to take a shit no matter what. Inside the khazi he saw an ancient non-flushing toilet. He gingerly lifted the lid and saw it to be brim-full with the cold shit of ages. By now, the smell was really making his eyes water. He desperately needed to crap so he shut his eyes, dropped his pants and lowered himself onto what was left of the toilet seat.

Maybe the seat was too big, but he found that his ass dropped way too much into the cold putrescent liquid. This was too much for him to take, in convulsion, he leaned forward, with his head near his feet and threw up.

And, of course, we all know how a siphon works... :sick:

SPman
1st May 2004, 23:33
Aaaargh...too many baby jokes.....enough...I surrender! Some things ARE too sick for this site!

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you feel smarter after a few beers. . . http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_7_5.gif

Al
2nd May 2004, 07:44
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."


A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.

The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man sadly shook his head, "Not when the month is up today!"


Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep
. I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up



A woman goes into a bar and orders 21 gin martinis. The bartender tells her she can't handle them all, but she insists he line 'em up. He does, she drinks them all down and passes out.

A guy sees her there passed out and says, "You know, we could all fuck her and she'd never know." So they all do.

After a while, she wakes up and goes home. The next day, she goes back to the bar.

The bartender recognizes her and says, "Another 21 gin martinis?"

"No," she says, "they make my pu*sy hurt."



A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mr.", she says, "Have you ever been Fu*ked?"

"No", he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."




A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
:done:

Al
2nd May 2004, 08:36
A Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens
Were watching this unusual dance. "KAMATE, KAMATE,KA-ORA,KA- ORA...KAMATE....."

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would
Happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen. "KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-MATE, KA ORA.....KAMATE....." What the???

The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could
operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the Beam
down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"KAMATE, KAMATE,KA-ORA, KA-ORA.....KAMATE....." "WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other.

"These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see
what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took
Away the final part of the Kiwi's brain. "Now surely he won't know anything at all. He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?" And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on, the bloke began to sing,

"WALTZING MATILDA..., WALTZING MATILDA.............."

Wonko
3rd May 2004, 14:48
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run
in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.

"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining

Ms Piggy
5th May 2004, 17:56
1 - You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an
electrified fooling machine.

2 - With $10,000, we can be millionaires!

3 - Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the
dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

4 - I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please
Superman, help me!

5 - Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

6 - Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's
even remotely true.

7 - Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos.

8 - Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.

9 - I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!

10 - Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep, in a blender.

11 - Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us
from the animals. Except the weasel.

12 - There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!

13 - Note to self. Stop doing anything.

14 - I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.

15 - Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.


:doh:

Sk8r_Boi_
11th May 2004, 09:38
:lol:ROFLMAO:lol:

SPman
11th May 2004, 20:40
Aww, I liked the baby jokes.........
must be time for a blonde joke.

Two blondes are in heaven: One says to another, "how did you die?" The second one replies, "I froze to death". "Thats awful" says the first blonde."How does it feel to freeze to death?." "Its very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.You get numb and you kind of drift off,as if you're sleeping.How about you,how did you die?". " I had a heart attack,"says the first blonde."You see I knew my husband was cheating on me,so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died"
The second blonde shakes her head."what a pity....if you had only looked in the freezer,we'd both still be alive."

scumdog
11th May 2004, 21:42
Whats the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls? - you can't unload the truck load of bowling balls with a pitchfork :bleh:

pete376403
12th May 2004, 12:14
Two blondes out walking in the country. One looked down where they were walking and said "Look, deer tracks". "No" says the other, "they're moose tracks". They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.

PuppetMaster
13th May 2004, 10:58
The 2nd one looks slightly staged

menace
14th May 2004, 15:15
Why are panadol white?





because they work...


Also, this on the news tonight: Michael Jackson has been accused of having an affair with Victoria Beckham in Londond. Jackson denies the rumours, saying he was in Brooklyn at the time.

Big Dog
14th May 2004, 15:28
Why are panadol white?

Now that we have resorted to racist jokes, what have Sperm and Abbo's have in common?
Only one in a million work.

Hitcher
14th May 2004, 17:50
Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?

Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be an aspirin...

What?
14th May 2004, 18:30
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a
show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a
beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when
she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was
that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the
encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but
excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

What?
14th May 2004, 18:32
A study in Sydney showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features; and if she is premenstrual, she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a rake jammed up his arse.

wkid_one
14th May 2004, 19:17
Can't be bothered reading to see if this has been posted before

Why did the Maori cross the Road......

























The Claim the other side:done:

Kickaha
14th May 2004, 20:05
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish............................................... .............49
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone
Athletic.......................................... ...........No tits
Average looking........................................... Ugly
Beautiful......................................Pat hological liar
Contagious Smile.......................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.........................On medication
Feminist.......................................... ...............Fat
Free spirit............................................ ......Junkie
Friendship first....................................Former slut
Fun............................................... ........Annoying
New-Age..................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned......................................... ...No BJs
Open-minded.......................................Despe rate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.......................................S loppy drunk
Professional...................................... ...........Bitch
Voluptuous........................................ .....Very Fat
Large frame.........................................Huge ly Fat
Wants Soul mate.......................................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

SPman
14th May 2004, 21:04
A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.
The redneck farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets."
Then the man selects a donkey.
The redneck farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."
Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.
The redneck farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."
The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.
A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.
She says, "Sure, what do you need?"
The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"

johno
14th May 2004, 21:28
Mummy, Mummy, please let me lick the bowl.
No son, flush it like everyone else.

Kickaha
16th May 2004, 19:05
Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent. Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain:

"Report."

"I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate."

"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself."

"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader." The gas pump remained unresponsive. "Very well." The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three." ZZZZZT. WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over teakettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.

"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"

"Yes sir. What happened sir?"

"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully."

"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."

"How did you know that there would be trouble?"

"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one bad bastard."

wkid_one
16th May 2004, 20:06
How do you confuse an idiot?

PZR
16th May 2004, 23:00
A blonde driving down a country road sees another blonde in the middle of a paddock rowing a dinghy on the grass. Screeching to a halt she leaps out of her car and races over to the fence. Leaning over the fence, shaking her fist she screams at the blonde in the dinghy " its blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I could swim I would come over there and smack you one!!!"

When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like Grandpa, not sreaming and shouting like the passengers on his bus.

The four old folks in the retirement home were talking at lunch time.
One old dear said "oh my arthritis is killing my hands"
An old gent said " my eyesight is so bad I can't see stuff all"
Granny said " WHAT??? SPEAK UP YOU KNOW IM DEAF!!!"
The fourth said " Boy its just as well we can still have our driving liciences"





Why do you wrap tape round the stomach of Guinea Pigs??









So they do not split when you fuck them.

SPman
16th May 2004, 23:47
A gas station in Texas was trying to increase its slack gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying:
"Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon, one of the local "rednecks" pulled in with his old beat-up pick-up, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex. The Redneck thought for a moment and then guessed 8. The proprietor said, "You were close, buddy. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time, but please try again."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up, and after the purchase again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, and again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were real close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "Bubba, I done think that game is rigged and he don't really give away no free sex." Bubba replied, "..No tain't, Billy Ray .....it's not rigged -- my wife she done won twice last week!"

Big Dog
17th May 2004, 18:06
How do you confuse an idiot?
Ask him to intro the joke "how do you keep an idiot in suspense?":killingme:

Ms Piggy
19th May 2004, 07:39
This cracks me up. :lol: Not rude just funny.

Lou Girardin
20th May 2004, 06:57
This cracks me up. :lol: Not rude just funny.

That's one pissed off looking,....... dog? Did someone mistake him for a slipper?
I bet he could give your ankle a real savaging.

marty
20th May 2004, 08:07
2 blondes were out walking in the bush. one said to the other - 'look! tracks! they look like deer tracks, maybe we will be lucky and see a cute deer.'
the other said 'no, they are pig tracks, we'll have to look out in case we get atacked by a big smelly boar.'

they were still arguing when the train ran them over.........

LB
21st May 2004, 06:15
2 blondes were out walking in the bush. one said to the other - 'look! tracks! they look like deer tracks, maybe we will be lucky and see a cute deer.'
the other said 'no, they are pig tracks, we'll have to look out in case we get atacked by a big smelly boar.'

they were still arguing when the train ran them over.........
Marty: is that your dog in your avatar? He's lovely (this is a serious question!)

Ms Piggy
21st May 2004, 10:45
That's one pissed off looking,....... dog? Did someone mistake him for a slipper?
I bet he could give your ankle a real savaging.

Heh heh. I'm glad someone else appreciates it the way I do. It was a picture I got sent so I have no idea what breed it is or anything.

Big Dog
21st May 2004, 18:34
How is a loft the same as Janet Jackson?

Big Dog
21st May 2004, 18:35
Thats' A.... T.... T.... I.... C.

matthewt
26th May 2004, 09:24
LITTLE BILLY GETTING OLDER

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man sitting on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Billy, "he minded his own fu*king business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON . PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asked her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Billy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU....There are 3 women sitting on a bench having an ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of a triple scoop of ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone, and the third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on; but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON ... MATH

Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked , 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6." replied Billy.
"But that's right!" said his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me , 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fu*king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON . ENGLISH

Little Billy goes to school and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi syllable word?"
Little Billy says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON ... GRAMMAR

On day during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asks for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" twice in the same sentence.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then she reluctantly called on little Billy.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fu*king beautiful!"

Balrog
26th May 2004, 10:17
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A police sergeant slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Sergeant: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Sergeant: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is quite stunned.

Sergeant: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer.
The sergeant snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.

Sergeant: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

:)

Hitcher
26th May 2004, 20:23
A little old couple prepares to go to bed.
They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven
Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old
man replied, "its fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and
says, Try and conversion - 7points each". After about five minutes the old
man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone,
the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go
by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to
10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a
woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is
totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he
craps in the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?" The old man says,
"Half time, change sides."

SPman
26th May 2004, 20:48
Can you detect the mushy sentiment?
http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2083&stc=1

SPman
26th May 2004, 20:50
.........!

Headshot
26th May 2004, 21:59
A man arrives back home after a 3 month excersion deep in the amazon jungle, he greets his wife with a peck on the cheek and proceeds into the kitchen where he places his duffle-bag on the table. He then opens the bag and produces a large frog which he places in front of his wife.
"What on earth is that?" She exclaims
"It's a Giant Cocksucking Bullfrog" The man responds
"Well what do you want me to do with it?" The lady asks
"Teach it to cook then FUCK OFF!!!"

danb
26th May 2004, 22:09
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

danb
26th May 2004, 22:09
When Coca-Cola was first introduced to China a short time ago, the company had some difficulty spelling the product's name in Chinese, while keeping the same pronunciation ("ko-ka ko-la") ... the first attempt translated to "bite the wax tadpole." Finally they arrived at something which translated to "may your mouth rejoice," and now Coke is selling quite a bit better.

danb
26th May 2004, 22:11
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"O.K." he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her. "Stop!" he said, "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!" :shit: :puke: :sick: :shutup:

danb
26th May 2004, 22:13
Some More that I have doug up!!!





Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:

ARTICLE I:
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II:
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:

Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III:
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV:
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV,1,a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

ARTICLE V:
All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI:
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII:
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.

Lane discipline (VII,1):
All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the center of the road.

ARTICLE VIII:
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI:
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

danb
26th May 2004, 22:14
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.

danb
26th May 2004, 22:14
There was a bear and a rabbit.
Now Mr. Bear and Mr Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day,
whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog.
The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts."
They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes.
You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr.. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that
Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

danb
26th May 2004, 22:18
A young loiterer from Wuling was known as a notorious liar. One day he fell in with an old man in the marketplace.

"I've heard that you are a great liar," said the old man. "Just show me how good you are at lying. "

"Oh, I have no time for that right now," replied the young man. "I've just heard that they have drained the East Lake and everybody has gone there to catch soft-shelled turtles. I'm going there myself to catch some."

Believing him, the old man made a beeline for the East Lake. There, what greeted his eyes was the boundless expanse of the waters of the lake. Then he realized that he had been taken in.

danb
26th May 2004, 22:19
Bhola goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bhola to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bhola goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bhola goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: "What! This is shit!"

Bhola calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"

danb
26th May 2004, 22:28
Q: How do the Chinese name their children?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen to the sounds. Ching, Chang, Chong, etc.




Eye doctor tells the chinese man, "It appears you have a cataract." Chinese guy replies, "No, I have a Rincon Continental."


Asian man goes in bank and exchanges 5000 yen for American dollars. He receives $70.
Next month, same Asian man exchanges 5000 yen for American dollars. He receives $65.
He asks the teller, "Why last month 5000 yen bring $70 Amelican, and this month only bring $65?
Teller replies, "Fluctuations, fluctuations"
Asian guy replies, "Fluck you Amelicans too."

------------------------------------------------------

:done: :done: :done: :done: :done: :done: :done:

AHAHAHA had a good laugh catching up on this forum :killingme :laugh: :lol:

menace
27th May 2004, 22:10
Q: What'd the black kid get for christmas?
A: Your bike!

Q: how do you starve a mexican?
A: hide his food stamps underneath his bar of soap

Q: a black, mexican, and oriental man are all sitting in a car, whos driving?
A: The Cops

Q:Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic Team?
A" Because anybody that can jump, run or swim is already in the US


Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a dick, it's not time.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Q. Did you hear Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?

A. Yup.....and on the dashboard, and the window, and the hood.

Q. What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

A. They’re both fun to ride until a friend sees you.

Q. What is the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?

A. Tiger Woods has a better driver.

What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?

Reading Her Rights

Jesus Christ
27th May 2004, 22:20
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever prideful, looked into the light and said "it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down.

The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I thank you for this food which I am about to receive....."

riffer
28th May 2004, 08:42
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Big Dog
28th May 2004, 15:30
Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Putting up with Mens Shit.
:shutup:

White trash
28th May 2004, 15:59
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Hitcher
28th May 2004, 17:20
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Surely that should be "dummy out of his arse". Americans are so lame

Big Dog
28th May 2004, 17:34
Surely that should be "dummy out of his arse". Americans are so lame
Surely that should be "Shihad out of his arse". :killingme

svs
31st May 2004, 17:00
Library Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off........... you won't bring it back"

PuppetMaster
31st May 2004, 17:23
Al Qaeda has placed a bounty on Kofi Annan's head....

Hitcher
31st May 2004, 17:36
Al Qaeda has placed a bounty on Kofi Annan's head....

ROTFPMPL!! Superb!

SPman
31st May 2004, 18:52
>MEMO To Technical Support
>
>Subject: Upgrades
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
>new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
>and
>valuable resources.
>No mention of this phenomenom was included in the product brochure
>In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
>programs and
>launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
>activity
>
>Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Boys Night 2.6 and Thursday Hoon Night 5.0, no longer run
>crashing the system whenever selected
>I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
>while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications
>I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program
>
>Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I’m screwed.
>
>Thanks
>Joe
>
>Dear Joe Screwed
>
>This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
>with the idea that Wife1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT’ program
>
>Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything
>It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0
>Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained
>
>It is impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from
>the system, once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
>Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
>Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0
>or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system
>
>Look in your manual under “Warnings – Alimony/Child Support”
>I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
>Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
>the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s)
>You must assume all responsibility for faults and
>problems, that might occur, regardless of their cause.The best course
>of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case
>avoid excessive use of the “Esc” key, because ultimately, you will
>have to give the APOLOGISE command
>before the operating system will return to normal.
>The system will run smoothly, as long as you take all responsibility
>for all the GPF’s
>Wife 1.0 is a great program but very high maintainence.
>Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife1.0
>Recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 6.0.
>DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Short Skirt Secretary 3.3.
>This is not a supported application for Wife1.0, and is likely to cause
>irreversible
>damage to the operating system.
>
>Best of luck
>Tech Support

Ms Piggy
2nd June 2004, 15:54
1)My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room
spinning medicine.

14) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

22) Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Ghost Lemur
2nd June 2004, 18:20
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


Spot the JTHM fan. ;)

Hitcher
2nd June 2004, 19:49
Spot the JTHM fan. ;)

The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns...

White trash
3rd June 2004, 11:49
An upstanding wall street broker makes millions and tired of the rat race that is New York, decides to retire to isolation in Alaska. He buys a little log cabin 50 miles from anywhere then decides to sit back and enjoy his retirment.

After six months of seeing absolutely noone, theres a knock on the door one morning. A bit confused, he opens the door to a 60 year old, grizzled, mountain man.

"Mornin'" says the old man, "Havin' a bit of a party at my place over yonda on Saturday night and thought it'd be mighty neighbourly to invite yi'."

"That's great," says the broker "I haven't seen anybody for a while, a party would be nice."

"Find it best to warn ya, there'll be a fair bit of drinkin'." advises the old timer.

"I can hold my liquir not too bad." smiles the broker.

"Bound to be a bit o' fightin' too!" continues the neighbour.

"I'm fairly quiet, can't see myself getting in a lot of trouble." says the cocky broker.

"Goddamn CERTAIN there'll be some rough sex!" gloats the old man.

"Fantastic, I haven't known a womans touch for quite some time now." replies the broker. "What shall I wear?"

To which his friendly neighbor answers,


"Don't much matter, it's only you and I gonna be there!" :D

merv
3rd June 2004, 13:37
I liked this one, I wouldn't mind meeting a cop like that:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

White trash
3rd June 2004, 14:57
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Andy behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Andy replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor.
>
>" So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
>
>That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
>
>He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
>The computer prints the following:
>1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>2.Your dog has ring-worm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
>3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>4.Your wife is pregnant Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (Kiosk #2)
>5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Ms Piggy
3rd June 2004, 15:27
Spot the JTHM fan. ;)
What or who is JTHM? :o

Ghost Lemur
3rd June 2004, 15:54
What or who is JTHM? :o


Johnny The Homicidal Maniac (http://www.viciousgrin.com/jthm/jthm.html) is a comic book series by Jhonen Vasquez. Brilliant it most certainly is for those of us with a darker sense of humour.

k14
3rd June 2004, 16:39
Chinese Takeaways:

danb
3rd June 2004, 20:33
How do you know if an assian has been to your house?

Your cat is in the microwave
Your homework is done
Your computer is downloading gay porn
And they are still trying to back out of you drive way!
:killingme :laugh: :lol:

Big Dog
4th June 2004, 18:25
What is the difference between sperm and a "nigger"?
More than 1 in a million sperm work.

Big Dog
4th June 2004, 18:25
A man walks into a bar....


















And said ouch!

danb
4th June 2004, 21:03
A man walks into a bar....


















And said ouch!


WTF....... :sly: :confused: :wacko: