Mooch
1st December 2005, 03:08
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she
was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the
crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the
train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away
from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she
was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the
crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the
train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away
from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."