Priceless!!!!!!!!!

[Cibby]

>>
>>Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
>>
>>He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
>>couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.
>>
>>And, next to them, a single red rose!
>>
>>Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
>>pressed.
>>
>>Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
>>spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
>>black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note
>>on the table:
>>
>>"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love
>>you!"
>>
>>He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
>>the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks
>>"Son...what happened last night?"
>>
>>"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke
>>some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
>>ran into the door."
>>"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
>>and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
>>His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to
>>the bedroom, and when she
>>tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you
>>tart, I'm married!
>>
>>Broken furniture $85.26
>>Hot Breakfast $4.20
>>Red Rose bud $3.00
>>Two Aspirins $0.38
>>
>>Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless! :banana:
>>

[v.ros`]

LOL NICE (blabla 10)

[ManDownUnder]

Hey what'd you do with the real Cibby - that had morals! (and was bloody funny - like it lots!)
MDU

[Sniper]

Brilliant, I must remember that for next time........... hehehe

[Colapop]

Sent it to my wife. After I told her she was slim yesterday. It won't be long til I get my new bike!

[White trash]

Sent it to my wife. After I told her she was slim yesterday. It won't be long til I get my new bike!

Where's Slim gone then? Does Craig know?

[Cibby]

Hey what'd you do with the real Cibby - that had morals! (and was bloody funny - like it lots!)
MDU


hay shush.

I have morals.


.... I know they are here somewhere..... :bleh:

[ManDownUnder]

hay shush.

I have morals.


.... I know they are here somewhere..... :bleh:

Help me find mine when you're done will ya?

[Cibby]

Help me find mine when you're done will ya?


see now your just being silly!!

I"m convinced you never had any!

[The_Dover]

I have morals.


.... I know they are here somewhere..... :bleh:

Yeah, just let me take another look...:buggerd:

[ManDownUnder]

Yeah, just let me take another look...:buggerd:

...put her legs down... this is a public forum

[yungatart]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying here looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Mum. Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired. (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," He informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to Be A Wondrous Experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.”
" OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my husband whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Mom!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 111?" my eldest son wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the men in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him
(Men can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically..
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my Husband. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my husband offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More Silence.
Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded knowing, but not believing that the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless femininity.
Tears were now running down his face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing... you pulling on it's...it's...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50....
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's wacker. Priceless!!!

Doesn't anyone know lizards lay eggs??

[Sniper]

Doesn't anyone know lizards lay eggs??

Great joke, but as the herpetologist in me would like to point out. There are a variety of lizards that give birth to live young.

[Colapop]

Bwahahaha!! I read it through carefully making a note of specific points... then laughed out loud!:lol: :lol:

[MSTRS]

Great joke, but as the herpetologist in me would like to point out. There are a variety of lizards that give birth to live young.
You have herpes ?? :sick: :nya:

[Lias]

Great joke, but as the herpetologist in me would like to point out. There are a variety of lizards that give birth to live young.

Most notably politicians, lawyers, IRD staff :-)

[Sniper]

Most notably politicians, lawyers, IRD staff :-)

Hahahaha, Im all blung out, but as soon as Im topped up you get some.:Punk:


You have herpes ??
I errrr, could I borrow your cream again :devil2:

[nodrog]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wif e in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $339.99
Hot Breakfast $6.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[kickingzebra]

THAT, is the maschizzlenizzle!!!!
Love it!!

[MSTRS]

So is this...(NWS)

[Street Gerbil]

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"


-----=======-----


A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".



-----=======-----


A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!


-----=======-----


The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.

"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.


-----=======-----


A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits & screw your brains out."

She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission Accomplished."

-----=======-----

A biker has been in a small town in the Midwest for two weeks when he begins to miss his wife. After another two weeks, he just can't stand it anymore. He decides to visit a brothel in town.

He goes up to the madam and says, "Here is a hundred dollars. Give me the worst blow job in the house."

"But sir," says the madam, "For a hundred dollars, you don't have a settle for the worst blow job. As a matter of fact, you could get the best."

"No, no," says the man, "you don't understand. I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

-----=======-----

Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God...

Arthur asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of the woman??"

God says, "Yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3 The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on."

God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my data, more people are riding my invention than yours."

-----=======-----

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[Swoop]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Sounds like WINJA's dog...:whistle: :lol:

[special_jimmy]

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, bike mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the bike engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

[Sniper]

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, bike mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the bike engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

You are new and have special needs, I shal grand you a pardon from this repost

[Brett]

You are new and have special needs, I shal grand you a pardon from this repost

Special Jimmy - watch our for Sniper, he is a hard bastard with reposts!:Pokey:

First time i heard that one, i like it!

[Leviticus]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.
Hot Breakfast: $4.20.
Two Aspirins: $.38.

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!