What's your sickest joke?

[ynot slow]

have no nails in them?they don't need them as they have tongue in groove

[ynot slow]

hickory,dickory,dock
some wench was sucking my cock
her hair got tangled
the bitch was strangled
at least she swallowed the lot

[ynot slow]

whats the diff between shagging a sheep and a blow job from helen clark?




nothing if ya don't look down.

[PZR]

Why do you wrap tape round the belly of guinea pigs?






So they do'nt split when you fuck them

[0arbreaka]

It wasn't me who red repped you. Obviously other people think you violate social norms too

Actually someone red repped me for a ginger joke, so no they didnt red rep me for violating social norms. Have fun in parliament. Hag

[Mrs Cowboyz]

Well it has taken me almost two hours to read thru this entire thread (well 99%) and heres my one.....

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?




A paraplegic after a house fire!

[loneranger]

whats the worst thing about raping a deaf girl...
breaking her wrists so she cant tell anyone!

[loneranger]

whats green and eats meat...

syphilis

[loneranger]

three things you cant give a nigger...

a fat lip

a black eye

and a job.

[loneranger]

i found out there was a nigger in our family tree...
its ok though,

he's been hanging there for a while.

[loneranger]

i went to check the mail the other day only to find five guys kicking the shit out of some poor nigger,
the old lady from next door came over and asked me to call for help...

to which i replied, why dont you think five is enough..

[loneranger]

whats low alcohol beer and going down on your sister got in common?

it looks the same but just dosen't taste right...

[Bren]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

[Bren]

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.

The instant she saw him she started crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”

[Bren]

Pavarotti’s wife got a great price on the coffin - it only cost her a tenor.




So Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Can you squeeze through?"

Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, it's from the Pope."

So Saint Peter opens it up and reads it.

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'



What’s the difference between Madeline McCann and pope John Paul II?

The pope died a virgin.




What’s the difference between Madeline McCann jokes and Madelline McCann? The jokes will get old.

[deanohit]

What's the difference between a girls gym class and a bunch of smart pygmies?
One is a bunch of cunning runts..........

[deanohit]

What's the difference between a Nun and a lady taking a bathe?


The Nun's got hope in her soul.

Lady taking a bathe has soap in her hole.

[deanohit]

A bunch of fags in a hot tub when a big wad of cum floats up to the surface.

One of 'em looks around and says "Who farted?"

[deanohit]

Why are men that keen on woman wearing varnish, leather and rubber??

Because they smell like new cars smell!!

[deanohit]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog.


The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes - whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay."


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to. The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAAM - and she's the most beautiful woman in the world.


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAAM - and she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
__________________

[deanohit]

Guy in a bar buys a drink for a two good looking women. Several minutes later he goes over and sits with them at their table. Introductions are made. After a few minutes of small talk that is very deffinetly slanted towards a sexual encounter by the man, one of the women leans over to him and says, "how'd you like to smell my friends pussy?" The man immediately answers that he would very much like to do that. The women blows softly in his face.

[deanohit]

Definition of "relative humidity"?

The sweat on your balls when your fucking your sister.



The first thing a redneck girl says after losing her virginity?

Get off me Dad, you're crushing me smokes.

[deanohit]

Q. What do woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common

A. When your done with both the breast and thigh you still have a greasy box to put your bone into.

[0arbreaka]

Q; How do you know you have a high spem count?

A; She has to chew before she can swallow..

[deanohit]

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

[deanohit]

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

[deanohit]

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

A piece of cake...

[deanohit]

What did the Jewish father say to his son when his son asked for fifty dollars?


"Fourty dollars! What the hell do you need thirty dollars for?! I'm not giving you twenty dollars!"

[deanohit]

Why are womens vagina's and ass holes so close together?

So you can carry them like a six pack

[deanohit]

What do a girls asshole and a 9v battery have in common?





You know you shouldn't put your tongue on them but you do anyway.

[deanohit]

What do you say to an black man in a suit?

May the defendant please rise.

[emaN]

dude, you really wanting to hit 1000 posts ain't ya!?

[deanohit]

Posts don't count in Jokes and Humour or rant and rave.
Just thought they were funny jokes.

=)

[kevfromcoro]

Q.. How do u know when an asian has robbed your house..
A.The cats missing
The ironing has been done..
And the cunt is still trying to back out the driveway

[Bonez]

Two nuns sharing a bath.

One asks "Where's the soap?"

The other remarks with a smirk "Yes it does!"

[Mikkel]

Actually my sickest joke is the one that started this thread... ;)

"What do you say to a woman who has got no arms and no legs?"
"Nice tits!"

"What do you say to a woman with no tits?"
"Nothing!"

"What do you called a hooker with no legs and no arms?"
"Cash-and-carry!"

"What is the definition of a kiwi gentleman?"
"A man who leaves the shower to take a piss in the sink!"

"What's the difference between Evel Kneivel and a pretty woman?"
"One can do a cunning stunt the other has a..."

"All the kids were looking forward to summer, except cancerous Jay he'd die in May."

[P38]

Whats the shortest conversaition two homosexual cowboys could have?

Yup? Yip!

[deanohit]

A fellow walks into the bar and orders a double scotch. When the bartender brings it the fellow tosses it back and slams the empty glass on the bar. "Gimme another just like that," he says. The bartender complies. This happens three times in a row and finally the bartender speaks up.

"Whoa buddy, slow down there," he says. "What's the rush?"

"I just had my first blow-job," the fellow says.

"Well hey now," the bartender says. "That is cause for celebration. Here, let me buy you one on the house."

"No thanks, the man says. "If three double scotches don't get the taste out'a my mouth, one more won't make any difference."

[homer]

Did you know that in africa they now supply sheep for use as elephant tampons .......whats the moral of the story ?

Dont buy a red sweater

[homer]

Always drag a woman by her hair ......they fill up with sand if you drag them by there feet

[mud boy]

hahahahahahahahahahaha now thoses r some goooooooooooooooooood jokes there wow!:jerry::jerry::niceone::Punk::2thumbsup

[mud boy]

keep them up guys!
well done

[deanohit]

Warning: Broadband only, the vid is about 30mins long!
<embed width="448" height="365" src="http://www.ifilm.com/efp" quality="high" bgcolor="000000" name="efp" align="middle" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" flashvars="flvbaseclip=2722499" ></embed>

[deanohit]

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

[Ewan Oozarmy]

My missus has just got a tattoo of a sea shell at the top of her inner thigh. It's f*cking amazing! If you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea....

[Conquiztador]

My oldest is 18. I told him the one about the little girl who's parents just went over the cliff, the one about the prostitute with the change in texture and a couple of more from here. And he put his fingers in his ears telling me to stop...

Bloody brilliant!!!

[deanohit]

My oldest is 18.And he put his fingers in his ears telling me to stop...

Bloody brilliant!!!

Thats the way to go mate! :headbang:

I was telling some of these jokes to a friend while she was making dinner, she ended up putting it in the fridge saying she'd eat later! :laugh:

[Ewan Oozarmy]

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

[marioc]

WARNING!!!!!!!! this is very sick

how do you know if you mother has her period?

you can taste it on your brothers cock!

[deanohit]

10 Chars. :2thumbsup

[SpankMe]

10 Chars. :2thumbsup

That pic reminded me of a vid I saw recently.

http://www.efukt.com/1629_Beward_of_the_Natives!.html

[deanohit]

That pic reminded me of a vid I saw recently.

http://www.efukt.com/1629_Beward_of_the_Natives!.html

Damn man, that is some fucked up shit! :laugh:

[deanohit]

Never pop ya cherry like this kid did!
See it here. (http://www.nothingtoxic.com/media/1196743794/Kid_Playing_his_Wii_Gets_Ass_Raped_by_his_Dog)

[EJK]

lmao atleast he won't die as a virgin :laugh:

[deanohit]

Another one, press the numbers to reveal the nude chick: :blip:

[Tank]

Another one, press the numbers to reveal the nude chick: :blip:

Jesus wept.

[kevfromcoro]

Just found out some important immformation.
The average mans penis is 6 inches long..
The size of a womens vaginga is 9 inches long.
In Auckland alone ..thats 37.9785 ks. of fanny going to waste

[Badger8]

Crap these are some of the best jokes i've read in a LONG time... and i havent made it through them all yet!
Lets keep the ball rolling...

(WARNING - Baby jokes...)

What's red and sits in the corner?
Baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

What's green and sits in the corner?
Same baby six weeks later

What's black and hangs from the cieling?
Baby chained to a lightbulb

What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of sand?
Hard to unload the sand with a pitchfork

What's worse than seven babies in a bucket?
One baby in seven buckets

What's worse than nailing a baby to a tree with 12 inch nails?
Ripping the baby off

What's black and bangs on windows?
A baby in the oven

What's worse than tying a baby to a clothesline and spinning it round real fast?
Stopping it with a cricket bat

What's worse than a truckload of dead babies?
One live one in the middle

What's worse than that?
The live one eating it's way out

What's worse than that?
Watching it go back for seconds


It'z just jokes folks! :2thumbsup

[skidMark]

Just found out some important immformation.
The average mans penis is 6 inches long..
The size of a womens vaginga is 9 inches long.
In Auckland alone ..thats 37.9785 ks. of fanny going to waste


I make up for it.

[Badger8]

I make up for it.

37.9785 k's... 3 inches... not quite making up for it skiddie :bleh: :dodge:

[deanohit]

A farmer is walking around the corner of his barn, when he comes upon his son masturbating. The farmer tells his son, "Son, we need to get you married so you don't need to do that anymore.". A suitable bride is found in the next valley and a marriage is performed. Later, the farmer rounds the corner on his barn and lo and behold, his son is there masturbating again. The farmer says to his son, "Son, I thought we got you married so you wouldn't have to do that anymore.". The son replies,"Pa, I know you did, but her little arm gets tired real fast!".

[deanohit]

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nuthin', ya already told her twice.

How can you tell when a woman is going to say something intelligent? She starts out, ' a guy once told me'

[deanohit]

Two guys are out deer hunting, after stalking all morning without getting a shot they can't wait to get back to the truck and grab a few beers out of the cooler.
They get back to their pickup and find three maoris breaking into their truck, well they haul off and drop all of them with a shot each.

Suddenly a conservation officer jumps up out of the bushes and yells:

"HEY!!!!!!!!!!"












Didn't you hear, they changed the regs, it's illegal to bait hunt them now.

[kevfromcoro]

A bonde goes into a hairdressers with a set of headphones on.
Sits down and says i need a haircut.but whatever u do dont take the headphones off,
The hairdresser cut her hair and away she goes. about a month later she comes back and wants a haircut..same thing cut my hair but dont take the headphones off.
Next time she comes back the hair dresser is a bit conserned about the head phones..so half way through the hair cut the hairdresser takes the phones off and throws them on the ground
the blonde falls to the floor.grabs her throat and chokes to death.
shit goes the hairdresser,,
picks up the headphones and it is a recorded voice saying.....


Breath in..Breath out.

[Southern man]

Whatthe lepper say to the prositute. " keep the tip"

[Swampdonkey]

What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?


...gang rape


What do Ethiopians do at night..........


starve..... sorry guys

[deanohit]

Did you hear about the 2 lepers playing hockey? They went to the center for a face-off

[kevfromcoro]

Hear about the 3 lepers playing poker
one through in his hand
and another laughed his head off

[Southern man]

why they take a dead roo to an abbo wedding? To keep the flies off the bride.

[Swampdonkey]

Whats the leading cause of pedophila....



sexy children

[Indiana_Jones]

Man walks into a bar orders a drink, looks around at the saucy birds inside & says to the barman,

"I can have any women I want in here"

"How so?" Asks the barman

"I'm a rapist" He replies

-Indy

[Schrgd]

Why do they call it a Pap Smear??

No women would get one if it was called a cu*tscrape.




Did you know 99% of women kiss with there eyes closed!
Thats why its so hard to identify rapists..

[Eng_dave]

Why you shouldn't fuck a down syndrome dwarf?
Because its not big and its not clever

Rape isn't a laughing matter unless your raping a clown.

[schrodingers cat]

http://www.sickipedia.org/

They all steal each others jokes so won't mind you doing the same and posting here...

My mate called me a retard earlier.

I almost choked on my window.

[Robert Taylor]

Thats easy, Phil Goff.

[Usarka]

http://www.sickipedia.org/

Nice!
Eg.

I bought a rape alarm...because I keep on forgetting when to rape people.

[Skinon]

Where do you send Jewsish kids with ADHD?

Concentration Camp

[Spazman727]

A leper went into a bar and sat down and ordered a drink, saying "I hope you dont mind me being here, its not contagious or anything" and the barman said its fine. A few minutes later a drunk guy sat down next to the leper. the leper ordered antother drink and when the barman gave it to him, he threw up. the leper said, look if you dont want me here thats fine, ill go. The barman said no its ok, youre fine. The same thing happened again when the leper ordered his next drink and his next. By thi fifth time, the leper was really angry and said, this is ridiculous, If you cant stang the sight of me just say and ill go. hte barman said its not you, its just that guy next to you keeps dipping his nacho chips into your arm and eating them.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Whats the best thing about girl guides.. He he they are all virgins

[peasea]

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A smothered epileptic.

[peasea]

Why did god put a womans anus so close to her vagina?

So that when she's pissed you can carry her home like a six-pack.

[peasea]

What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

[MSTRS]

I made dinner with my kid last night... well what else can you do with a miscarriage!?

[george formby]

I shagged the Olson twins before they were famous.

[Skinon]

At the pub quiz night last night, a question came up:
"Define the meaning of the word 'niggling'."

Judging by the fact i got kicked out and barred i'm guessing the correct
answer wasn't "A small black baby"

[fatzx10r]

whats better than sex with a 12 year old...?




nothing!



:nono:

[Stirts]

Scientific earthquake investigators are reporting that the Pacific Ocean is currently like a copy of Playboy Magazine.

They've spent many hours looking for a gash but all they've seen so far is a load of nips.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All those news reports we are getting from Japan are shocking to say the least. I mean, when did they start allowing women to speak to the media!

[MSTRS]

Dear Japan

Sucks, eh?

Yours sincerely
The Whales

[Stirts]

The Japanese government has thanked Britain for sending them rescue dogs.

They have all said they tasted lovely.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!
And eyes and ears and mouth and nose!
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!

Said the Japanese search leader.

[Skinon]

You know why the japanese tsunami went so far inland?
Water always picks up speed when it's running down slopes...

Recently opened a cafe in japan. Started a bit shaky, but slowly
people drifted in.

Jap farmers pleading poverty! Bullshit! I seen one farm on tv with
2 huge boats and about 20 cars on his front yard!

[Skinon]

Mum catches her son fingering his sister. She says "You better tell me something that's gonna make this alright!"

Son replies "I've found dads wedding ring!"

[munster]

One in 20 people have a paedophile as a neighbour, not me though, I live next door to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds.

(I'm going to hell, I know it!)

[nothingflash]

What's the definition of disgusting?

Stuffing a dozen oysters in your Nana's c*nt and sucking out thirteen

[Skinon]

You're momma's so hairy,

It looks like she got king kong in a headlock!

[Brian d marge]

Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife
Stephen

[yachtie10]

How do you rebore a blonde?

insert a leg of ham and pull out the bone

[nothingflash]

What's the smartest thing to ever have come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

[MSTRS]

My daughter's selling Girl Guide biscuits. You interested?

Hell, yeah....oh, you meant the cookies.

[Stirts]

Ever since her mastectomy, my friend has been hooked on pain killers.
She is always off her tits.

[mashman]

It's Johnnies 8th birthday and bounces down the stairs

Johnny: "Dad, dad, guess how old I am today?"
His Dad ums and ars for about 20 seconds taking the mick
Dad: "You're 8 today aren't ya"
Johnny: "Yup"
He bolts next door to see Grandad.
Johnny: "Grandad, grandad, guess how old I am today"
Grandad start to rolls the boys testicles around in his hands for about 5 minutes.
Grandad: "You're 8 today aren't ya"
Johnny: "Great guess grandad, I am 8 today"
Grandad: "I know" he says as he pops a werthers original into his mouth, "I heard your Dad say so 5 minutes ago"

[EJK]

How do you know what size cock you can take it up your ass?

Measure your poo.






It's true.

[nothingflash]

What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?

Gang rape.

[nothingflash]

A Chinese couple gets married. The new bride is a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring . "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anysing you want, I do anysing you want. What you want?" "I wanna hava Number 69," she replies. He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna chicken fried rice with vegetables???"

[MSTRS]

I had rough, aggressive sex with my girlfriend last night. It's not what I'm into, but she initiated it.
Yeah, she started it by not wanting to have sex with me, saying she wasn't my girlfriend, and that she was just waiting for a bus.

[Laava]

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?


The kid in my trunk

[MSTRS]

A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room. He asks the first man, who replies "I hold a porno mag." The second says "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net." The third says "I hold a sponge." The researcher, baffled, says "Why a sponge?" "Well, I've got to use something to bathe my daughter."

[Swoop]

Nintendo have released a new game for the paralympics.

WiiTards.

[Banditbandit]

This is the sickest joke I know ... so WARNING NOW ... it's offensive, sick, nasty, upsetting ... If you are likely to be offended, etc etc .. THEN DON'T READ ANY FURTHER ... (And no red rep .. you have been warned ...)

John Smith is sitting in the waiting room of the Maternity Hospital, waiting for his first child to be born. After a while a nurse comes in and says "Mr Smith ...?"

John leaps to his feet, stubbs out his cigarette and says "What? What's wrong? .. What's happening?"

"Nothing's wrong," the nurse says. "Calm down. Your wife has just given birth to a boy."

John's rapt. "Can I see him? Please .. Can I see my son?"

"Yes, " the nurse replies. "But it will have to be a short visit - then you can see your wife."

She takes John to the nursey and shows him a cot. "This is your son."

John's delighted. "Hello, I'm Daddy," he says. He plays with the child's tiny hands and strokes his face. Turning to the nurse he says "Isn't he beautiful."

"He's not bad," replies the nurse. The grabbing the child by the ankles she swings him into the wall at full force. The baby's head splits, there's bloody everywhere.

John is shocked and horrified. Grabbing the nurse he yells: "My Son, My son .. what have you done?"

The nurse turns to hinm and says ...

"Haha ... April Fool. Stillborn ..."

[MSTRS]

When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Australian men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child.
Obviously none of them have ever seen a Nigerian being run down by a road train.

[munster]

Took my girlfriend out to dinner last night and I can't believe how rude some people are, calling me a pedo and other insults. I don't get it, I'm 43 & she's 18.

Made it really hard to celebrate out tenth anniversary.

[jaffaonajappa]

Took my girlfriend out to dinner last night and I can't believe how rude some people are, calling me a pedo and other insults. I don't get it, I'm 43 & she's 18.

Made it really hard to celebrate out tenth anniversary.


LOL!!

ok. Im honestly not a rascist. But....have a sick sense of humour.

Q. How many jews can you fit in a 2 door Mini?






A. 148. 2 in the back, 2 in the front, and 144 in the ashtray.

[MSTRS]

was with my gran the other day and a muffled burp came from her nether region. "That's fucking disgusting, nan!" I said. She explained that things get looser with age and it's just trapped air escaping. It ruined our shag.

[willytheekid]

Oh look...another joke thread!:eek:

"reads Jokes"....

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XyT5QoDnf3U/SgjGbF4VkjI/AAAAAAAAC9Q/wd0E26xcNAU/s400/funny-dog-pictures-shocked-dog-mooned-by-ceiling-cat.jpg

...Annnnd there go's the very last shred of my innocence! :eek5: (Thanks!...You sick funny Bastards!...been meaning to get rid of that:killingme)

[nodrog]

I was watching a film with my little boy last night as the wife was out. He said, dad I'm getting scared, is that lady going to die? I said probably son, judging by the size of that horses cock.

[Akzle]

i was a real charmer in high school. used poetry to get all the ladies, my best poem?

roses are red,
violets are blue,
i have a knife, get in the van.


worked every time...

--
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.

--
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.

--
What's noisy, pink and red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
A baby with a potato peeler.

--
What's yellow and eats nuts?
Gonnorrohea

--
How do you get a clown off your swing?
Hit it with an axe.



there is anti-humour.com not always sick, but usually hilarious.

-edit-
turns out there isn't anti-humour.com. there is anti-jokes, but it looks shit.

[Akzle]

what's 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream in the morning?





cot death.

[Nova.]

This morning, I looked in the mirror and saw my youth slipping away before my very eyes.

So I said, "Oi, get back in that bed, I'm not finished with you yet."

[SMOKEU]

I like my girls the way I like my wine. 12 years old and locked in my basement.

[Akzle]

dated this woman from taranaki once, as we were going to bed, i said "how about a blowjob?"

--she said "nah, just wank in a cup, i'll drink it in the morning"

taranaki hardcore!

[Usarka]

I like my girls the way I like my wine. 12 years old and locked in my basement.

I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up & in the freezer.

[Akzle]

I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up & in the freezer.

you shouldn't keep coffee in the freezer.

:Oi::Offtopic:

[Zedder]

The worlds' socioeconomic status.

[bluninja]

Oscar Pistorius has decided to plead guilty to murdering his grilfriend. When presented with the evidence he realised he didn't have a leg to stand on. Personally I was surprised he shot her, I would have expected him to use a blade.

[Zedder]

Oscar Pistorius has decided to plead guilty to murdering his grilfriend. When presented with the evidence he realised he didn't have a leg to stand on. Personally I was surprised he shot her, I would have expected him to use a blade.

I think he was distinctly lacking in moral carbon-fibre!

[Banditbandit]

Ok .. this is the sick joke thread and this is the sickest one I know . be warned … and don’t tell pregnant women this one and expect to live ...

A man is sitting in the hospital waiting for his first baby to be born. He’s really nervous and the ashtray is full of cigarette butts and he has a lighted on in his hand.

AS nurse comes in and calls “Mr Smith .. Mr Smith ...?”

The man stubs out his cigarette and races over to the nurse. “What’s happened? What’s the matter?” he asks.

Nothing’s the matter,” replies the nurse. “Calm down, your wife has just given birth to a baby son.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful” the man says. “Can I see my baby?”

“Yes,” says the nurses, “but baby is very new and has to rest so it must be a short visit.”

She takes him to the nursery and shows him a crib with a baby in it. “Here’s your son.”

The man is rapt. “Hello,” he says to the baby, “I’m daddy.” He plays with the child’s little fingers and admires his face. He turns to the nurse. “Isn’t my son wonderful.”

“Not bad,” says the nurse and grabbing the baby by the ankles swings the baby hard into the wall. The head smashes, there’s blood everywhere and the man is horrified.

“My son, My Son”, he cries. “What have you done to my son!!!”

The nurse smiles and says “Haha – April Fools. Still born.”


(So don't even ask about the joke about the diarrhea drinking competition ...)

[Akzle]

Ok .. this is the sick joke thread and this is the sickest one I know . be warned … and don’t tell pregnant women this one and expect to live ...


(So don't even ask about the joke about the diarrhea drinking competition ...)

that's about the fifth repost on this thread. i much prefer the good news bad news one.

bring on the diarrhea drinking...

[mashman]

The reasons for the Pope leaving his position are finally coming to light (http://nz.news.yahoo.com/a/-/top-stories/16167644/nz-joins-line-of-succession-law-change/)... I bet he's praying for a boy.

[moon]

Whats white and goes up and down in a pram???

A child molestorer's ass.

or

Whats the difference between a truck full of sand & a truck full of babies???

Cant use a pitch fork on sand.

[Akzle]

...

welcome to the forum. you're in my hood.

[MSTRS]

A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it!" She says "Okay let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier". He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier. "Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?" "Nope," she replies "I just peeled off the scabs".

[MSTRS]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts.
After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted" was her reply.
"What a coincidence, my wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex".
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to either house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come.
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat.
She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down. Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained.
"We did!" he says "I just peed in your purse!"

[SPman]

John Key!!!!

[Banditbandit]

John Key!!!!

Oh man .. that's really very sick ...

[Laava]

Lady goes to the doctor and complains that she is finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in her vagina.
Doctor gets her up on the table and has a bit of a squizz and then has a bit of a chuckle.
"Whats so funny?" Asks the lady.
" Those arent postage stamps, they're banana stickers!"

[reggie1198]

Yep. I get it.

Leave em to it.

I hope you people understand that your pedophile "jokes" are contributing to desensitization.
Something to think about.

Have we inadvertently touched a nerve, while we think about what ever it is we have to think about, you can think about this...

What's red, sits in a corner and gets smaller and smaller...


















A toddler combing its hair with a potato peeler

[YellowDog]

Bless you indeed :puke:

[Juniper]

So just asking. I'm not going to get utterly flamed for what jokes I post here. I have a thing, I'm not very easily offended....at all. So I'm after the joke that really offends. And I've found some stitches along the way lol!

[BoristheBiter]

John Key!!!!

Sorry that's an easy beat.

The greens being backed by the Labour party.

mind you I can't tell if it is more scary than sick.

[Juniper]

My wife walked in as i was giving my dog a blowjob.
she said,"thats disgusting,what do you have to say for yourself ?"
i just sat there and said nothing.
she said,"The cat got your tongue ?".
I said, "Sometimes"

[MSTRS]

Just for Juniper...

Whats pink & sticks to a womans leg?
A homesick abortion.

[Juniper]

Just for Juniper...

Whats pink & sticks to a womans leg?
A homesick abortion.

Haha that's an oldie!

[MSTRS]

Whats Black And Has 27 Tits?
A Bin Liner From The Cancer Ward.

[Juniper]

Whats Black And Has 27 Tits?
A Bin Liner From The Cancer Ward.

Gross but not offensive.

[Juniper]

My dog often copies a lot of things that i do, but it was still disturbing to see that it was raping my daughter when i got home from work.

[MSTRS]

Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?

Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..

[Juniper]

Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?

Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..

Goss not offensive

[Juniper]

This one almost offended me:


As an attorney with many years of experience, and 2 former teen-age daughters, I am sure that Castro guy in Cleveland can get off on an insanity defense.

Because nobody in his right mind would want to have 3 hormonal, whiny teen-age girls in his house, every single day, for over TEN F___ING YEARS! And they weren't even his daughters.

[Swoop]

I'm not going to get utterly flamed for what jokes I post here.
Beware.
There are one or two faggots around here who will send red rep your way since they lack a properly developed sense of humour.
"Too soon" is common for decent jokes of topical nature, as well as plain normal retarded faggotry sense-of-humour-failures...

:rolleyes:

[Juniper]

Beware.
There are one or two faggots around here who will send red rep your way since they lack a properly developed sense of humour.
"Too soon" is common for decent jokes of topical nature, as well as plain normal retarded faggotry sense-of-humour-failures...

:rolleyes:

I will go back and hide in my twisted humour corner then.

[nzmikey]

Date Night at the Castro's
http://i.imgur.com/ibBwORR.jpg

[Banditbandit]

I seen a women standing at the edge of a cliff about to jump off.. I stopped & said "since ur about to kill yourself,could we have a root.. She said "fuck off you queer cunt! I said fine, i'll just go wait at the bottom....

plus 10 characters

[Banditbandit]

This one almost offended me:


As an attorney with many years of experience, and 2 former teen-age daughters, I am sure that Castro guy in Cleveland can get off on an insanity defense.

Because nobody in his right mind would want to have 3 hormonal, whiny teen-age girls in his house, every single day, for over TEN F___ING YEARS! And they weren't even his daughters.

Not particularly offensive either ...

[Banditbandit]

Beware.
There are one or two faggots around here who will send red rep your way since they lack a properly developed sense of humour.
"Too soon" is common for decent jokes of topical nature, as well as plain normal retarded faggotry sense-of-humour-failures...

:rolleyes:

Yeah .. dicks .. nothing is so sacred that it can't be laughed at ...

[Juniper]

plus 10 characters

Nice!!!!!!!!

[Juniper]

The Joker goes up to Batman and says, "Your mother started her period."
"How would you know?" Batman bluntly replies,
The Joker smiles and answers, "This isn't lipstick..."

[sketch]

plus 10 characters

I don't get it......

[Drew]

My missus can't accept that I still have the occasional wank over my ex.

I explained, I still have a key to her house, and she's a heavy sleeper.

[eelracing]

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police.
They asked me how I found the body.
I said her tits were ok but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking.

[Juniper]

Haha and now they are getting better!!

[Juniper]

So I was chatting with an ugly woman at an online dating site, and I let it slip that I was masturbating while looking at her photo...
She said "Oh, that's just disgusting!"
And I said "I Know, but it keeps me from cumming too fast."

[Juniper]

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

[Banditbandit]

The Joker goes up to Batman and says, "Your mother started her period."
"How would you know?" Batman bluntly replies,
The Joker smiles and answers, "This isn't lipstick..."

"You must spread ... "

[sketch]

So I was chatting with an ugly woman at an online dating site, and I let it slip that I was masturbating while looking at her photo...
She said "Oh, that's just disgusting!"
And I said "I Know, but it keeps me from cumming too fast."

Hahahahaha oh thats good

[Katman]

Beware.
There are one or two faggots around here who will send red rep your way since they lack a properly developed sense of humour.
"Too soon" is common for decent jokes of topical nature, as well as plain normal retarded faggotry sense-of-humour-failures...



But of course, if you dare to question the actions of a recently deceased motorcyclist......

[Katman]

Yeah .. dicks .. nothing is so sacred that it can't be laughed at ...

Anyone got any cheese cutter jokes?

[Juniper]

Anyone got any cheese cutter jokes?

I wish grass was emo so it would cut itself.

[haydes55]

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

[Swoop]

I just had a lovely wank over Angelina Jolie's tits... can't believe someone just left them in a dumpster.

[YellowDog]

What do you do if you see an epileptic fitting in a deep bubble bath ?

Throw your washing in :lol:

[Juniper]

A lot of oldies but still loving it!!

[MSTRS]

You know you've got a problem when your 10 year old girlfriend gets you a Penis enlarger for Christmas.

[Juniper]

A new survey revealed that 65% of gays were born that way. The rest got sucked in to it.

[Juniper]

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.

The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"

He replies, "No."

She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that. I don't want to get that again...!"

[Juniper]

"I'm feeling really horny," said my wife as she sat down beside me on the sofa last night, "My pussy is wet and I want you inside me."

"Then," she continued, "I want you to slip it in my tight little arse while I finger myself senseless."

"Can't you see that I'm trying to watch the football here?" I said, "Take that fucking phone into the kitchen!"

[Juniper]

"Did you hear about the necrophiliac who got found out, after some rotten cunt went and split on him?"

[haydes55]

Don't you hate it when rigor mortis sets in and she's stuck in missionary style?

[Bikemad]

why did god invent woman...............he needed some way of getting the cum to the toilet

[Juniper]

There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
She was missing a tit and stunk like shit,
But think of the money he saved.

[Juniper]

My sister just told me that she's having a baby with her black boyfriend.

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle.

[Bikemad]

what stops a womans intestines falling through the hole in her vagina.............the vacuum in her head:devil2:

[Juniper]

What's sad about four black people in a Cadillac driving over a cliff?

A Cadillac seats five

[pete-blen]

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables.....





Getting the wheelchair in the pot...

.................................................. .................................................. ...

[Juniper]

Q: How do you separate the Men from the Boys in San Francisco?
A: With a Crowbar.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a Polish Wolf and any other kind of Wolf?
A: After He chews off three legs, He's still stuck in the trap.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

Q: What do you do when the Dishwasher starts acting up?
A: Smack Her around.

[avgas]

What sucks tiles off the bathroom floor
A hooker doing the splits

What is the worst thing about fucking a 7 year old
Getting the blood stains out of the clown costume

[MSTRS]

A man phones the local council....
"I want to make a complaint."
"Certainly sir. What seems to be the trouble?"
"Well - I've just raped this really ugly, fat chick -"
"Surely you should be phoning the police and confessing?"
"I don't want to confess. I want the lights in the park to be fixed."

[Juniper]

An airborne soldier is home visiting his parents after training and he is sitting around the table with his dad. His dad asks his son how his training went. The soldier says it all went well except for his very first static line jump. His dad asks what happened. “Well” the son says, “We were up in the airplane, all ready to go. The green light comes on and I just freeze. After everyone has left the airplane, the jump Sergeant comes over to me and tells me, that I better get the fuck out of this airplane or he’ll fuck me up the ass!” The dad is shocked, but says, “So son, did you jump?” the soldier smiles, “Yes, but only a little at 1st!”

[Juniper]

I went to Dubai recently on holiday and I was offered 20 Camels in exchange for my wife. I don't actually smoke but I thought fuck it, best offer I'm likely to get.

[Juniper]

I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on.

"Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said.

"But Dad, I'm 18," he protested.

"I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

[Juniper]

I came home from the pub extremely drunk last night and as I staggered down the driveway I noticed that my wife was standing on the doorstep in her dressing gown.

"Look at the state of you. All of the neighbours are probably looking, you're an embarrassment! Put some fucking makeup on." I said.

[Juniper]

I saw this guy sniffing the floor earlier and was intrigued to know why he was doing it.

"Excuse me mate, why are you sniffing the floor?" I asked

"Fuck off!" Came the reply

"That's a bit rude" I replied "I only wanted to know why you was sniffing the floor."

Then I was chucked out the mosque.

[Juniper]

In a recent poll, 40% of black men said their favourite position was the reverse cowgirl.

What I'm wondering is, how do they convince the rape victim to get on top?

[Juniper]

I love going gay clubbing !!

My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwords

[Juniper]

i called that rape advice line earlier..

unfortunately,its just for victims

[Juniper]

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
There’s gas in you’re shower,
Because you’re a Jew.

[Juniper]

East German woman was being raped by ten Pollacks and she kept screaming, Nein! Nein! Nein! ... so one of them left :-)

[Juniper]

I've adopted a little african child,I worried that he wouldn't adapt well to our way of life...

So to make him feel at home I put a treadmill infront of the sink.

[Juniper]

My wife seems to think I sneak out to smoke weed and get stoned every night because my eyes are always blood shot.

I just nod and agree, I guess that's better than telling her most girls carry pepper spray these days.

[Juniper]

On my first day in prison I was taking a shower when I noticed a bar of Dove lying on the floor.

Some big black guy said, "Hey, where's the soap?"

I said, "I'll be fucked if I know."

[Juniper]

What do Ethiopians do at night?
They starve.

How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant?
Hold her up to the light.

What do you call an Ethiopian with buckteeth?
A rake.

How do Ethiopians camouflage themselves?
They stand sideways.

What's positive about Ethiopians?
H.I.V.

[MSTRS]

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will" one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all".

[_Shrek_]

There has been a fire at a gay sauna in Auckland.

The Fire Service says damage to the Wingate Club in Avondale has been minor, and the situation is now under control.

The fire is thought to have started from two sticks rubbing together :shutup:

[Drew]

Non alcoholic beer. It's like liking your sister out.

Tastes the same, but it's just not right.

[Drew]

Chicks. They're old enough when they leave school...And school gets out at three.

[Juniper]

My six-year-old son caught me masturbating this morning.

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"

"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why, daddy?" he asked.

"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

[Juniper]

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.

[Juniper]

Toys 'R Us has found that their stores in predominantly black neighborhoods aren't doing as good of business as their stores elsewhere. After some research it was decided to make over and rebrand those stores. The refurbished stores will now go by the name of We B' Toys 'N Shit.

[Banditbandit]

Anyone got any cheese cutter jokes?

What's short and wirey and fucks bikers???

Road side cheese cutters ...

[Banditbandit]

A man meets this gorgeous chick in the pub and takes her home to bed. He’s down between her legs with his tongue going flat out when all of a sudden he stops, backs off and pulls a piece of sweetcorn from his mouth. He looks up at her and asks ; “Are you OK? Are you sick?”

She moans slightly and replies “No ...”

So, he’s back between her legs going all out, when he stops again, reaches for his lips and removes a piece of carrot ... Looking at at her he asks again “Are you sure you’re not sick?”

“No .. I'm fine," she replies

Back down he goes .. and suddenly stops, and this time pull s a couple of peas from his lips

“Look ...” he says to her .. “are you really sure you’re not sick

She writhes sensuously and replies “No .. I’m not sick .. but the last guy down there was ...”

[Juniper]

A guy tells his wife that he's going fishing. His wife starts to complain because she says he never takes her anywhere, so he tells her, "Fine, you can come fishing with me and the dog tomorrow!" The next morning, the husband wakes up and wakes his wife. Now she's seen that her manipulation has worked a little too well and says, "I don't want to go fishing." The husband is upset. "You bitched and whined about wanting to go somewhere with me and now you don't want to go? Fine, you don't have to go... but you're either going to suck my dick or you're going to let me fuck you in the ass." The wife says, "Let me think about it for a minute." The husband agrees and he leaves her to get things ready for his trip. She he comes back, she says, "I don't want to go fishing and I'm not about to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I'll just suck your dick." He whips it out and she starts sucking, but then stops. "Jesus Christ! Your dick tastes like shit!" The husband says, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[Juniper]

God gave women yeast infections so that they would know what it was like living with an irritating cunt for once.

[Juniper]

Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting. Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill "Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 2 takes a pill and says, "Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 3 takes a pill and says, "Thalidomide...I can't knit sleeves."

[Banditbandit]

Why is oral sex best?

'Cause you don't have to listen to them while they do it ...

[Juniper]

a gay man is at a circus watching the lion-tamer, the lion-tamer goes up to this lion, get is cock out and puts it in the lions mouth, he then hits the lion on the head with a club, and the lion bites down hard.
he takes is cock out unmarked, and say to the audiance, "I give a hundred pound to anyone, who can do that".
the homo puts his hand up, and says "I'll do it, but dont hit me to hard".

[Juniper]

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.

The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"

"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.

The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"

"25," he says.

"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

[GSW]

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change. All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will" one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all"

[GSW]

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German" she replies. "Occupation?" "No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".

[GSW]

"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus "You have some semen on the back of your jacket". "I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yoghurt". "It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".

[GSW]

My chat up line has a perfect strike rate. All I ask, when I see a girl on her own is "I have a knife in one hand and my cock in the other, one of these is going in you... your choice?"

[GSW]

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat". "Oh no" she cried "Is he in a bad way?" "Put it this way" I said "My cricket bat snapped in half".

[Juniper]

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat". "Oh no" she cried "Is he in a bad way?" "Put it this way" I said "My cricket bat snapped in half".

Argh ok, that one hit a note with me.

Nice one.

[Juniper]

A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world.

Not during a rectal exam though according to my doctor.

[Juniper]

I recently did a survey on children with Tourette's asking them what their favourite fruit is.

2% said banana, 4% said apple, and a resounding 94% said 'Fuck off you cunt'.

[Juniper]

Joyce and Grace meet at the Pearly Gates (they were neighbors).

Joyce asked, "What did you die from?"

Grace replied, "I froze to death." Joyce asked, "What was it like?"

Grace said, "At first it was cold, then a warm feeling came over me until I passed."

She asked Joyce, "What happened to you?".

She said, "I thought my husband was cheating on me, so I left work early. I went home and found him sitting in the living room watching TV. I ran down to the basement, then up to our bedroom and didn't find anyone. I was running back downstairs when I had a heart attack."

Grace replied, "If you would have looked in the freezer first, we'd both be alive."

[Juniper]

My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead. The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.

I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.

[Juniper]

I was suddenly awoken with a blow job this morning. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

[Juniper]

I think my gran has Alzheimer's. She called me Dave earlier when my name is Pete. Either that or she's thinking of someone else when we're having sex.

[caspernz]

Q - How do you make a cat go whoof and a dog go miaw?



A - Douse cat in petrol and set alight - whoof! Place dog in freezer for two days and slice with bandsaw - miaw!

[Juniper]

How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don't know, I was too busy jerking off..

.........

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I don't cum on my apple before I eat it. ;)

[Juniper]

Not all sick, but figured I'd post some normal funnies



Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.




I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.




After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.




Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."




My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.




Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.




I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.




After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.




Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.




Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.







A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...




Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.




ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!




Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!




In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.




Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .




An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!




Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.




A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!




Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'




A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'




Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

[Juniper]

White, Sticky, and falls from the sky?
###
####
#####
######
The Cumming of the Lord

[Juniper]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was crying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.

[MSTRS]

I was in hospital the other day when I saw a sign that read "Rape Victims". So I did.

[Juniper]

- I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

- A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

- I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

- Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

- I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

- Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb xxxx !

- I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

- I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

[Juniper]

Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[unstuck]

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. Welcome to my world.:devil2:

[Madness]

Taranaki Daily News Headline: "AOS Officer Scores Hole In One"

[Juniper]

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friggin' bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!!

Scam
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[Juniper]

It's always better to have a wank with a dead arm.

It can really spoil a funeral though.

[Juniper]

A man comes across a genie who grants him three wishes but tells the man that for every wish he gets, his wife gets two of the same. So the man asks for a car, his wife gets two. He asks for a house, his wife gets two. Then he wishes the genie to beat him half to death.

[Juniper]

A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take This jar home and bring back a semen sample Tomorrow.'

The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared At the doctor's office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Eileen, the lady next door And she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Juniper]

My black neighbour has spent nearly a grand on mobile phones for her six kids, just so she can keep tabs on them.

Silly bitch could've saved a fortune and just bought herself a police scanner.

[Juniper]

The mans wife was complaining about not having enough money. Finally the man told his wife if she wanted more money she could go earn it by blowing other guys. Taking her husbands advice she set off to make her fortune...She came home after her first night and showed her husband all the money she had made. "how much did you make" he asked. She said $200.50!!!! He was impressed but laughed and asked"who gave you 50 cents" she replied...ALL OF THEM!!!
Bazinga...

[Juniper]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person on earth." I whispered in her ear, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face!

[MSTRS]

My mate John loves anything during sex and he has a particular penchant for all things anal. He met Emma at a party. They had shitloads to drink then went to her house.

They drank more and fucked all night, lights off. He forced his thumbs up her arse, prised apart her ring, licked and tongued, whilst she screamed loudly.

After a heavy sleep, John woke to find blood everywhere - on the bed sheets, on his cock, all over his fingers and round his mouth. He woke Emma and showed her the stains. He asked her "Why didn't you tell me you had your period?"

"I don't" she replied "I was screaming last night because you burst my haemorrhoids!"

[Drew]

My mate John loves anything during sex and he has a particular penchant for all things anal. He met Emma at a party. They had shitloads to drink then went to her house.

They drank more and fucked all night, lights off. He forced his thumbs up her arse, prised apart her ring, licked and tongued, whilst she screamed loudly.

After a heavy sleep, John woke to find blood everywhere - on the bed sheets, on his cock, all over his fingers and round his mouth. He woke Emma and showed her the stains. He asked her "Why didn't you tell me you had your period?"

"I don't" she replied "I was screaming last night because you burst my haemorrhoids!"

This one wins, I'm off to throw up violently!

[unstuck]

This one wins, I'm off to throw up violently!

Yep, that was fucking sick.:first::2thumbsup

[Juniper]

Yep that one made me gag!

[Kornholio]

Crikey!!!!!

http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111208134307/uncyclopedia/images/thumb/a/af/Steve_Irwin_shocked.jpg/210px-Steve_Irwin_shocked.jpg

[Juniper]

So I found this list of NSA jamming buzzwords.


Jihad, Pressure Cooker, Explosives, guns, Mujahideen, assassination, Allahu
Akbar, martyr, conspiracy, weapons, primers, detonators, initiators, main
charge, nuclear charges, ambush, sniping, motorcade, IRS, BATF, Suicide Bomber,
jtf-6, mjtf, hrt, srt, hostage...s, munitions, انتحاري weapons, TNT, Shaheed, rdx, amfo,
Oath Keepers, hmtd, picric acid, silver nitrite, III%er, mercury fulminate,
presidential motorcade, salt peter, charcoal, sulfur, c4, composition b, جهاد ,
amatol, petn, lead azide, lead styphante, infidels, ddnp, tetryl,
nitrocellulose, nitrostarch, mines, grenades, rockets, fuses, delay mechanism,
mortars, rpg7, Holy War, propellants, incendiaries, incendiary device,
thermite, security forces, intelligence, agencies, Kafir, Warrior, hrt, resistance,
psyops, infiltration, assault team, defensive elements, evasion, detection,
mission, communications, the football, platter charge, shaped charges, m118,
claymore, 3 percent, body armor, charges, shrapnel, timers, timing devices,
boobytraps, detcord, pmk 40, silencers, Uzi, HK-MP5, AK-47, FAL, Jatti,
Skorpion MP, teflon bullets, cordite, napalm, law, Stingers, RPK, SOCIMI 821
SMG, STEN, BAR, MP40, HK-G3,FN-MAG, RPD,PzB39, Air Force One, M60, RPK74,
SG530, SG540, Galil arm, Walther WA2000, HK33KE, Parker-Hale MOD. 82, AKR,
Ingram MAC10, M3, L34A1, Walther MPL, AKS-74, HK-GR6, Muhammad SAW, subsonic
rounds, ballistic media, special forces, JFKSWC, SFOD-D! , EMS, SRT, Rewson,
SAFE, Waihopai, INFOSEC, ASPIC, Information Security, SAI, Information Warfare,
IW, IS, Privacy, Information Terrorism, Kenya, Terrorism Defensive Information,
Defense Information Warfare, Offensive Information, Offensive Information
Warfare, NAIA, SAPM, ASU, ECHELON ASTS, National Information Infrastructure,
InfoSec, SAO, Reno, Compsec, JICS, Computer Terrorism, Firewalls, Secure
Internet Connections, RSP, ISS, JDF, Passwords, NAAP, DefCon V, RSO, Hackers,
Encryption, ASWS, Espionage, USDOJ, NSA, CIA, S/Key, SSL, FBI, Secret Service,
USSS, Defcon, Military, White House, Undercover, NCCS, Mayfly, PGP, SALDV, PEM,
resta, RSA, Perl-RSA, MSNBC, bet, AOL, three percenters, AOL TOS, CIS, CBOT,
AIMSX, STARLAN, 3B2, BITNET, Tanzania, SAMU, COSMOS, DATTA, E911, FCIC, HTCIA,
IACIS, UT/RUS, JANET, ram, JICC, ReMOB, LEETAC, UTU, VNET, BRLO, SADCC, NSLEP,
SACLANTCEN, FALN, 877, NAVELEXSYSSECENGCEN, BZ, CANSLO, CBNRC, CIDA, JAVA,
rsta, Awarehouse, Active X, Compsec 97, RENS, LLC, DERA, JIC, ri! p, rb, Wu,
RDI, Mavricks, BIOL, Meta-hackers, ^?, SADT, Steve Case, Tools, RECCEX, Telex,
OTAN, monarchist, NMIC, NIOG, IDB, MID/KL, NADIS, NMI, SEIDM, BNC, CNCIS,
STEEPLEBUSH, RG, BSS, DDIS, mixmaster, BCCI, BRGE, SARL, Military Intelligence,
JICA, Scully, recondo, Flame, Infowar, Bubba, Freeh, Donaldson, Archives,
ISADC, CISSP, Sundevil, jack, Investigation, JOTS, ISACA, NCSA, ASVC, spook
words, RRF, 1071, Bugs Bunny, Verisign, Secure, ASIO, Lebed, ICE, NRO,
Lexis-Nexis, NSCT, SCIF, FLiR, JIC, bce, Lacrosse, Bunker, Flashbangs, HRT,
IRA, EODG, DIA, USCOI, CID, BOP, FINCEN, FLETC, NIJ, ACC, AFSPC, BMDO, site, SASSTIXS,
NAVWAN, NRL, RL, NAVWCWPNS, NSWC, USAFA, AHPCRC, ARPA, SARD, LABLINK, USACIL,
SAPT, USCG, NRC, ~, O, NSA/CSS, CDC, DOE, SAAM, FMS, HPCC, NTIS, SEL, USCODE,
CISE, SIRC, CIM, ISN, DJC, bemd, SGC, UNCPCJ, CFC, SABENA, DREO, CDA, SADRS,
DRA, SHAPE, bird dog, SACLANT, BECCA, DCJFTF, HALO, SC, TA SAS, Lander, GSM, T
Branch, AST, SAMCOMM, HAHO, FKS, 868, GCHQ, DITSA, S! ORT, AMEMB, NSG, HIC,
EDI, benelux, SAS, SBS, SAW, UDT, EODC, GOE, DOE, SAMF, GEO, JRB, 3P-HV,
Masuda, Forte, AT, GIGN, Exon Shell, radint, MB, CQB, CONUS, CTU, RCMP, GRU,
SASR, GSG-9, 22nd SAS, GEOS, EADA, SART, BBE, STEP, Echelon, Dictionary, MD2,
MD4, MDA, diwn, 747, ASIC, 777, RDI, 767, MI5, 737, MI6, 757, Kh-11, EODN, SHS,
^X, Shayet-13, SADMS, Spetznaz, Recce, 707, CIO, NOCS, Halcon, slug, body bags,
beheading, murder, bodies, 5.56, 7.62X39, sabots, top secret, code name, alias,
underage, 9/11, 7/7, hijack, surface-to-air missile, .308, 30-06, .45ACP,
Winchester, Remington, Mossberg, Benelli, FNH, Beretta, Kel-Tec, ArmaLite,
AR-15, 9MM, MP5, mercenaries, killers, white pride, black pride, black
liberation, kill whitey, KKK, Skinheads, Nazis, Muslims, Christian, Patriot,
Veteran, Marine Corps, Army, Navy, Air Force, military, paramilitary, riot,
protest, revolt, revolution, algorism, coup d'état, scope, arson, demolition,
tyranny, Obama, contingency, rally point, uranium, gold, silver, NSA, IRS,
Agent Orange, DOJ, Quran, hadiths, Crusades, IRA, M249, M203, grenades, primer,
S&W, Police, OWS, rape, sodomy, serum, injection, cocaine, crystal meth,
camouflage, marijuana, opium, Gulf War, poppy fields, heroine, PCP, Hashish,
Percocet, Oxycodone, pornography, Oxycontin, Oxycodone HCl, evil, Highball,
ROE, drone, Saudi Arabia, al-Qaeda, Taliban, bombing, Timothy McVeigh, M134,
Terry Nichols, Ruby Ridge, Waco, David Koresh, Israel, ghillie suit, IDF,
ARROW, USSR, KGB, undercover, Delta Force, Templar, revenge, hatred, passport,
VISA, airplanes, WTC, targets, HALO, safe house, sentry, gun powder,
bodyguards, dart gun, silencer, codename, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, Wide
Receiver, tyranny, blood, honor killing, triangulation, kill zone, mutilation,
racist, det cord, hollow point, buck shot, torture, socialist, RINO, Verizon,
Obamacare, ball bearings, water board, dungeon, Kabar, handcuffs, zip ties, prison,
rental truck, bin Laden, blackmail, bootleg, Truth Serum, interceptor, CIA,
FBI, DIA, NCIS, CSI, morgue, sodium pentothal, scout sniper, autopsy, EDL,
shrapnel, collateral damage, M1, Islamification, CPU, camo, hidden,
penitentiary, dictator, Exsanguination, Minigun, payback, Communist,
imperialistic, libertarian, conservative, double tap, Chechen rebels,
separatist, headshot, Tea Party, Kevlar, Lee Harvey Oswald, wire tap, M14,
recordings, bug, surveillance, hunt down, axe, pistols, surplus, Harakat,
al-Shabaab, prepper, succession, stockpile, SHF, AT-4, anti-tank,
armor-piercing, Dum-dum bullets, NDAA, Heritage, psychoactive, Fox News, Glen
Beck, Patriot Act, treason, cyanide, punishment, حركة الشباب المجاهدين,
Marxists, ACLU, Taser, retribution, poison, black powder, Rush Limbaugh,
reward, briefcase, investigation, prison, IED, outlaw, electrocution, throwing
star, imam, cleric, al-Awlaki, Xarakada Mujaahidiinta, PLO, Palestine,
Hezbollah, treasonous, traitors, tree of liberty, body penetrating gps/computer dust has been stolen by the Chinese government,


Now lets sit back and wait :p

[Laava]

What a naughty girl!