Workshop tools

[MisterD]

Just so you can identify them and use them for their proper purpose, and remember a tidy work area is a safe work area:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting afire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.


WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG PRESSURE-TREATED 4x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.


TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.


PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.


SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-shit off your boot.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your clothes, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at the local mechanic's shop, and neatly rounds off their
heads.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl door panels, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.


EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[Dadpole]

I have all of those, and:

Angle Grinder: Produces a large shower of sparks that ignite the box of matches in your top pocket. Causes stained underwear and amusement for others.

[2much]

Hahaha, That's bloody brilliant!:rofl:

Can relate to quite a few of those

[Sniper]

Posted a few days ago, but still funny

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=21749

[miSTa]

Posted a few days ago, but still funny

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=21749


So it was, whoops :slap: but if anybody was to notice it had to be you didn't it sniper? :msn-wink:

[froggyfrenchman]

Mig welder - used to fill boots with molten steel
Wire strippers - quite handy for puling the wire out of the expensive part you are installing.
Linnisher - Exelent knuckle deskinner

[WINJA]

the ezy out thing is funny , first year of my apprenticeship i snapped an ezy out in a really expensive fan while my boss was watching , the first thing i said was "that aint gonna be easy to get out" he tried to hit me with a hammer

[marty]

i only use snap-on ezi outs. they have a 9/16 hex on them, and are quite frankly the hardest yet most reliable ezyout of all that i have broken. and i've broken a few. easiest way to get a snapped one out is to grind it with a ball grinder at 10000rpm.
a cool tool we use is a 'rattler', a 6" rivet gun with a hex tip and a bar off to the side - is great for steel screws, but not so good on titanium - tends to wrk harden them and then shatter the phillips tip off in it. good way to uspet a hangar full of guys on a quiet night shift when you have 3000 screws to take out!

[Korumba]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching a flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
some where under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into ! a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed you! r new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the b umper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog
**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriv! er tip on
the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that ta! kes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away a nd transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts, last over
tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds
off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
fifty cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts close to the object we are trying
to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector! magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.

[froggyfrenchman]

Posted not long ago, but still very funny/true!
(says the engineer)

[Korumba]

sry could a mod remove then please!!

[kro]

No don't remove, its Gold !!!, let me copy it first.

[NotaGoth]

that thingy you use to take off the thing and it makes that click click noise.. yeah you know the one..

[froggyfrenchman]

*ssssssssssssssh* im stalking kitti

[NotaGoth]

*ssssssssssssssh* im stalking kitti


:hug: ..................

[froggyfrenchman]

*hugZ* you know you like it

[NotaGoth]

*hugZ* you know you like it


oh i do :blip:

[kro]

I reckon Kittie is a babe, who wants people like us to say so.

You're a babe Kittie !!!! ( I mean that)

[froggyfrenchman]

You're a babe Kittie !!!! ( I mean that)
Find your own girl to stalk;)

[DEATH_INC.]

While I'm reposting old stuff,the tool thread's always good for a giggle....

Tools for repairs
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.


WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).


EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.


TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.


SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.


BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.


TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.


TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.


BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.


AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.


PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
:banana: :banana: :banana:

[scumdog]

You forgot: POP-RIVETTER; Device used to implant a wad of aluminiun between two surfaces preventing them from touching at that point and necessitating the use of the Electric Drill.

[Harry33]

And you forgot a "spade" to bury your mistakes :)

[Edbear]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine
useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so
that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off
bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric
sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One
of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after
pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for
opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to
crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a
weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

[ManDownUnder]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a
weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
hit.


LOL 100% on the money there!

[Maha]

Ed they are beautiful....very funny and so so true....:killingme

[racerhead]

Ha I work as a mechanic and thats a great way of describing some of the tools:niceone:

[Swoop]

Add:
Shifting Spanner or "cresent wrench": Commonly referred to as a "nut fucker". As this is precisely what it does...

[Mike748]

FFS .:rofl:... that was brilliant!!

[jtzzr]

Classic,lol

[Sparrowhawk]

Top marks for that one!!! :rockon:

[vifferman]

That list was missing one vital tool: the Vifferman laminate trimmer cum chain pin grinder. It puts all these other tools to shame.
Read about it here (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=3614).

[klingon]

Brilliant. I'm going to print that user's guide and stick it to my garage wall for future reference. :clap:

[ynot slow]

Old school woodwork teacher had several screwdrivers-as follows mostly Stanley ones
16oz-for small screws into pine.
20oz-for mid size into rimu.
28oz- for mid into rimu,large into pine or mdf.
Didn't need to worry about head on screw as one size fitted all.




Yep commonly referred to hammers-He used to say you driver the screw in with these puppies.I tried it once as a lark,nice welts on my arse that arvo.

[speights_bud]

i only use snap-on ezi outs. they have a 9/16 hex on them, and are quite frankly the hardest yet most reliable ezyout of all that i have broken. and i've broken a few. easiest way to get a snapped one out is to grind it with a ball grinder at 10000rpm.
a cool tool we use is a 'rattler', a 6" rivet gun with a hex tip and a bar off to the side - is great for steel screws, but not so good on titanium - tends to wrk harden them and then shatter the phillips tip off in it. good way to uspet a hangar full of guys on a quiet night shift when you have 3000 screws to take out!

I like to go one better and Spark erode them out :woohoo: Great for hardened tool steels like Ezy out's and broken of Taps :bash:

[Molly]

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings objects across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[ellipsis]

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'


SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the ore
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your
new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to
disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object
we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!)
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.

[JimO]

Tools Explained:Apologises if this is a re-post.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Brian d marge]

I like to go one better and Spark erode them out :woohoo: Great for hardened tool steels like Ezy out's and broken of Taps :bash:have never used an easy out .......

quite proud of that I am .....

Stephen