View Full Version : Women's humour
Beemer
22nd December 2005, 09:30
I hope this hasn't been posted before - I did a search under women and humour and it came up with 13 pages of posts - including the one about "arse, fek, I've binned my bike!" so I gave up! Some I've heard before but there are a few good ones!
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said - 'Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.' She said - 'Well, you've succeeded.'
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b*stard'.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A: Reload and try again!
*sic
22nd December 2005, 09:37
some good, some ok...
all round id say a 3 / 5
ManDownUnder
22nd December 2005, 09:41
*biting tongue*
*walking rapidly away*
(ok they were funny...)
DemonWolf
22nd December 2005, 09:44
A couple good ones there =)
Colapop
22nd December 2005, 09:47
Beemer sitting on a hill taking pots shots at any poor man that walks/runs/limps past...:ar15: :ar15: :2guns: :2guns:
ManDownUnder
22nd December 2005, 09:48
Beemer sitting on a hill taking pots shots at any poor man that walks/runs/limps past...:ar15: :ar15: :2guns: :2guns:
awww c'mon - we all know there's aren't any good women jokes around...
kerryg
22nd December 2005, 09:51
How do you stop a woman from giving you oral sex?
Marry her
Colapop
22nd December 2005, 09:52
awww c'mon - we all know there's aren't any good women jokes around...
Oh yeah sure don't post any then .... make sure ya leave the bait out lobg enough for just a couple of bites and just sit back and watch her pick us off? Sorry, been married too long to fall for that one (Does you think I've gained weight? - Ermm Just got to mow the lawns....)
*sic
22nd December 2005, 09:56
How do you stop a woman from giving you oral sex?
Marry her
haha! never for me then!..
T.W.R
22nd December 2005, 10:03
might have to invest in a kevlar reinforced helmet & bullet proof vest :rolleyes:
nah pretty good:whistle:
In The Breeze
22nd December 2005, 10:10
How do you stop a woman from giving you oral sex?
Marry her Too funny and true:argh:
Beemer
22nd December 2005, 10:10
C'mon guys, surely you can come up with some good ones to hit back?
Here's one to get you started:
What's the definition of eternity?
The time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
MidnightMike
22nd December 2005, 10:14
Few good one there especially the ring 1.:niceone:
In The Breeze
22nd December 2005, 10:19
May have been posted before but...
ManDownUnder
22nd December 2005, 10:20
What's the definition of a woman
A life support system for a pair of tits...
MidnightMike
22nd December 2005, 10:24
A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
kerryg
22nd December 2005, 10:33
101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
Beemer
22nd December 2005, 10:36
101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. blah blah blah.
What's the difference, in many instances, they are both vegetables!
T.W.R
22nd December 2005, 10:48
:shutup: :shutup: :shake:
Colapop
22nd December 2005, 11:04
That's alot of cucmbers!
In The Breeze
22nd December 2005, 11:21
101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Hahahhahaha!:shake:
Hitcher
22nd December 2005, 11:59
And then there's the food product that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called wedding cake.
DMNTD
9th January 2006, 08:15
Irresistable!
MSTRS
9th January 2006, 08:30
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
MSTRS
9th January 2006, 08:34
1. Men are like ......Laxatives . They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like..... Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders . You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .......Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .......Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .......Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .......Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like..... Popcorn . . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ..... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
yungatart
9th January 2006, 09:31
Why do women need men?
Because vibrators don't mow the lawns....
Biff
9th January 2006, 12:16
Why do wimmin have legs?
Seen the mess slugs make?
What do you call a good looking Kiwi woman?
A tourist.
What do you call an attractive and intelligent woman?
Sorry. That's a joke.
Grahameeboy
9th January 2006, 12:34
Why do wimmin have legs?
Seen the mess slugs make?
What do you call an attractive and intelligent woman?
Sorry. That's a joke.
That's bad man....watch out for Ms Senna and her razor from now on....retaliation is sharp!!!
Biff
9th January 2006, 12:37
That's bad man....watch out for Ms Senna and her razor from now on....retaliation is sharp!!!
It's ok. I'm a real tough guy. I can hide behind my PC screen all day coming up with crap jokes like those.
Grahameeboy
9th January 2006, 12:39
It's ok. I'm a real tough guy. I can hide behind my PC screen all day coming up with crap jokes like those.
plus you are not in Auckland eh........
Biff
9th January 2006, 12:48
plus you are not in Auckland eh........
and I run like the wind...
Grahameeboy
9th January 2006, 12:52
and I run like the wind...
What sort of wind!!!
warewolf
10th January 2006, 13:11
awww c'mon - we all know there's aren't any good women jokes around...
Rt. Hon. Helen Clark ?
Fatjim
10th January 2006, 18:07
My ex went and got a haircut today, why I don't know as we're in the middle of packing her gear up so we can move her out tomorrow. AAARRRGGGHHH
Anyway, when she came back I asked here "did you get your haircut?".
Girls, why did she not answer?
Sniper
10th January 2006, 19:16
hehehe, very good
MSTRS
17th January 2006, 15:06
What's old and wrinkly and hangs out your undies
.
.
your mother
yungatart
18th January 2006, 07:54
What I Want in a Man, Original List:
1.Handsome
2.Charming
3.Financially successful
4.A caring listener
5.Witty
6.In good shape
7.Dresses with style
8.Appreciates finer thing
9.Full of thoughtful surprises
10.An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Dilligaf
18th January 2006, 13:42
How do you stop a woman from giving you oral sex?
Marry her
Didn't you know that's why a bride is smiling as she's walking down the aisle?
(i.e. why is a bride smiling as she's walking down the aisle?
she knows she's given her last blow job)
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