Notes on hospital charts

[Hitcher]

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three day.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[Sniper]

Bahaha, very good

[Swoop]

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night..
Hmmm... lucky husband,...

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993..
And your bill, perhaps?

13. She is numb from her toes down..
That happens when standing on tiles.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home..
X-rated - woohoooo!

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches..
OK, time too see a real doctor, perhaps?

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive..
Like some politicians in NZ???

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..
Rectal exam to get to the thyroid???? Long arms then...

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation..
Look forward to seeing that on the internet...

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized..
Including or excluding the lions and elephants???

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor..
It's just a jump to the left! (& then a step to the right...)

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall..
not even going there with this one...

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed..
Yup, the pilots curse alright...

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
I'm in! (or you first...?)

[HDTboy]

Sounds like Keystone19 and InlineFour have been hard at work again

[bugjuice]

number 10 and 30 clear winners in my book.

[Edbear]

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Big Chim]

Might pay to never read your own chart or you might find out whats actually wrong:doctor:

[Riff Raff]

he he, very good. Might have to start collecting some of the stuff people put on patient report forms in ambulance. There's been a few hum dingers lately.

[Wolf]

number 10 and 30 clear winners in my book.
Number 18 scares the bejaysus outta me! Talk about your "invasive techniques" - I can think of far shorter and more direct routes to the thyroid!

[Colapop]

ha ha, very good...

[yungatart]

Number 18 scares the bejaysus outta me! Talk about your "invasive techniques" - I can think of far shorter and more direct routes to the thyroid!
That one made me gulp too, and I thought having a needle biopsy on a thyroid was uncomfortable.

[dasser]

ACTUAL WRITINGS FROM HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: Patient here - recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very
angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

( I liked 4. Patient became very angry...:gob: ..LOL .know wonder...dasser )

[Sniper]

Admit it. You have no idea where the search button is

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=23717&highlight=autopsy

[James Deuce]

ACTUAL WRITINGS FROM HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: Patient here - recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very
angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

( I liked 4. Patient became very angry...:gob: ..LOL .know wonder...dasser )

1. The Patient CAN refuse autopsy. You have a forms to sign before you potentially die, and they can be signed by the patient or someone with power of Attorney, or a nominated family member. You have an 8% chance of dying from an anaesthetic reaction, let alone a surgical procedure.
2. Not every suicide is successful. "Attempted Suicide" is a misnomer coined by a media with no respect for their readers/watchers.
3. White blood cells extracted from a blood sample and given to the patient to look after.
4. Patient was probably being an arse anyway. Enema charted by someone with a sense of humour.
5. Missing a comma. Given some of the stuff one TRIES to read on KB, it is hardly surprising to see that a lack of appreciation for grammar extends to the medical professions.
6. Sentence constructed better than 30% of stuff written on KB.
7. Carefully documented diagnosis. Depression is a disease process. Being "tearful & crying" can merely indicate that you are sad.
8. Perfectly valid comment, only amusing due to the inherent double entendre.
9. See point 6.
10. You can be mentally alert and forgetful at the same time. Short term memory issues don't automatically mean you are a dullard.
11. I don't understand what is wrong with that one. That is an observation of a disease process.
12. You've never written the wrong thing in a sentence from time to time?
13. See point 12.

The rest are funny.

But probably writen by people at 3am.

[<G>]

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night..

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentlly alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[Laava]

Ha ha! Circus sized!
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3314/3653068063_91ca307ff3.jpg