Little Johnny

[Str8 Jacket]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses."

[Colapop]

Ahh Johnny, you are a scallywag.

[Smokin]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

[Bren]

Heard it before...but is still as funny 2nd time around....

[Mikkel]

Nice one :rofl:

[Nasty]

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but
notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"

[gatch]

:first: nice one ma'am

[one fast tl1ooo]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.





When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family

was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him

and explained that the baby had no ears.



His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the

baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the

smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'



'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have 20/20 vision.'



'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed

glasses'.

[P38]

Little Johnny was comming home from school with his mother one day when he saw a sparrow on the foot path with his legs sticking straight up.

Johnny said to his mother "Whats up with that sparrow Mummy"?

Johnnies mother replied calmly, "The poor little bird has died and his legs are sticking up like that cos they are pointing to heaven to let God know he's ready to leave this earth".

When Johnnies dad gets home that night, Johnny described to him what he had seen that day, but told him it was alright as the sparrows legs were pointing up to heaven and God would soon see him and bring him into heaven.

A few days later after Johnnies dad arrives home Johnny rushes up to him and yells
"Dad Dad, when I got home from school today I saw Mummy on the couch with her legs pointing straight up to heaven. She was yelling out "God I'm Comming" real loud and I recon if it wasn't for the Postman holding her down she would have gone too"......... :innocent::whistle:

[crazyhorse]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The
students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more
to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an
early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and
correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta
here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham
Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin
Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do
for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.
Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to
answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish
these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[one fast tl1ooo]

http://www.funnythreat.com/moral_story/images/little-johnny-in-confusion.gif

[kevfromcoro]

Jonny is at school..
Mary comes up to him.. and asks...
Jonny ? whats a penis ?
Dont know says jonny.. to-night i will go home and ask my dad.
That night jonny asks his dad what a penis was.
The old man takes him in the dunny and flops out his old fella..
This is a penis he says.
Next day at school mary asks jonny
Did you find out what a penis was.
Jonny drops his trousers ... and says
See this.... this a cock... a penis is just the same..
Cept its 6 inches shorter

[Stirts]

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the arse.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

[Zuki lover]

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

[Stirts]

The department store Santa has little Johnny on his lap and says to him,
"I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Johnny. You want some t-o-y-s," he says, touching Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out the word toys.

"No, I've got plenty of toys," replies Johnny.

"Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s," replied Santa, touching Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out the word games.

"No, I've got all the games I want," came Johnny's reply.

"Well, Johnny, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas, what do you want?" asked Santa.

"I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnny replied, touching Santa's nose with each letter, "And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger.

[SPman]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

[SPman]

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Johnny.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

[SPman]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little Johnny
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.

[Stirts]

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"
Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

================================================== ======

Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'..

================================================== ======

Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the
says to the teacher, "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter."
"That's right," she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

[one fast tl1ooo]

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

[P38]

Little Johnny home from school where he learned this golden rule.

"If I eat up all this cake then Sis wont get a belly ache!" :innocent: :devil2:

[MSTRS]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, "E-G-G". "Very good", says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. "T-O-A-S-T". "Excellent."

Little Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had Bugger all", he says, "B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L". The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Little Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast".

[avgas]

Johnny was the chemists son, but Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4
(that little gem helped me pass 5th form chemistry)

[Stirts]

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park.
Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"

Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."

Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play PRESIDENT!"

[Stirts]

Every day Little Johnny walks home from school past a 4th grade
girl's house. One day he is carrying a football and he stops to
taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says,

"Hey Mary! See this football? Football is a boy's game and girls
can't have one!"

Little Mary runs into the house crying and tells her mother about
the encounter. Her mother immediately runs out and buys the girl
a football.

The next day, Johnny is riding home on his bike and Little Mary
shows him the football and yells, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

Little Johnny gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike?
This is a boy's bike and girls can't have 'em!"

The next day, Johnny comes by and little Mary is riding a new
boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he immediately drops his
pants, points at his diddle and says,

"You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and not even YOUR mother can
go out and buy you one!"

The next day as Johnny passes the house he asks little Mary,
"Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

She pulls up her dress and replies, "My mother told me that as
long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I
want!"

[MSTRS]

...and little Johnny replied "As long as I have ball bearings and a stick shift, I'll be able to run fast enough to catch as many of those as I like"
:bleh:

[MSTRS]

Little Johnny is in the bath with his mum. He looks down between her legs and asks "What's that mummy?" She says "That's where your father hit me with an axe". He says "He must be a good shot he got you right in the cunt".