It's a man thing

[far queue]

ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS...

This is from a guy who purchased his wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt like HELL. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

[DemonWolf]

hahaa.. bloody hilarious!

[miSTa]

Dumb bastard, excellent.

[SpeedyGirl]

Brought tears to my eyes I was laughing so much!!!:banana:

[Sparky Bills]

Yeah, i kinda knew you wouldnt be able to resist trying it out.

My grin got wider and wider as i read on.

Well done mate! You made my morning.

[MSTRS]

Oh dear - the intelligence of that man......
You have just bought a new .308 rifle.....would you try it on yourself to see if it worked??

[Sniper]

Fuck that was funny.

[The Beast]

Shit, that's awesome *goes to find a taser to see what it feels like*

[Colapop]

Absolutely awesome. Last time I had tears in my eyes was after I got kicked in the nads - this one was way more funny!!

[oldrider]

That was great but brought back memories of when Mrs o/r and I were first married.
We had a dog called Henry, he was quite good at obedience but had a bad habit of lingering on the command to "sit".
I found a really powerful cattle prodder in a shop and thought "worth a try".
Out in the yard with Henry, practicing obedience and the chance to test the cattle prodder was presented. Prod, prod, prod! Nothing, nothing, nothing!
New wife working nearby in garden, posterior poking temptingly in the air! "Prod"! :slap:
Shit a brick, that was 42yrs ago and I am still not game to bring it up again.
Maybe it was not a Taser but the effect was not far from it.
The dog never learned to sit without a pause but I sure did. :yes: Cheers John.

[DMNTD]

New wife working nearby in garden, posterior poking temptingly in the air! "Prod"! :slap:
Shit a brick, that was 42yrs ago and I am still not game to bring it up again.

John.

John...words damn near fail me! :lol:
Bling awarded for staying above ground since :cool:

[bugjuice]

lamo.. twit..

that, from 2 AAA batteries?!?!?! what the hell is in it?!?!

I wanna wire something like that to the seat of my bike, for when it's parked up.. or the handle bars..

Postie and I had some fun with one of those muscle spasm thingies, with the pads that you stick on your body, then the pulse makes your muscles work.. man, we had some fun.. poor dogs..

[Motoracer]

Ha ha ha, fuckin awesome!

I gotta get me one of thoes!

[Nicksta]

wow.... crazy shit.... all from 2 AAA's .... i'll remember that for next time i'm around Weasel..... ;)

[KLOWN]

I bought a BB gun and shot myself in the leg to see how much would hurt. It hurt quite alot, got a nice little bruise that lasted awhile.

[babyB]

oh bloody hell:rofl: , my son came in and asked 'wots wrong mum why are u crying" ...he has now left with tears in his eyes still larfin.....
:niceone: you silly pratt:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Wellyman]

Hahahaha you dickhead! great story though. stupidty is great.
where did you buy it from?

Edit: never mind

[Back Fire]

I have to try that :doobey:

[mstriumph]

wonder if he gift-wrapped it? :wacko:

[I'm motarded]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every
woman needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[AlBundy]

Good story, it is...

[eelracing]

Haha your a brave man,but thanx for the laugh.

[crazyhorse]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best......
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' while I'm reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .......
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUC TION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, and my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room...
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was... My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling..
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[Daffyd]

I've seen it before, but it still makes me laugh out loud.

[Skyryder]

I was working woth a guy in the vicinty of an electric fence and he wanted to have a piss. I know how much of belt these things can put out anyway. So he thinks he's the tuff guy and decides to have a piss on the wire. Anyway he's standing there full stream and nothing is happening as he is pissing between the pulse. Then the next pulse come thru and dropped him dead in his tracks. Copped a full charge from a cattle fence righ in the goolies. Have not seen this guy in years but I swear he was not the same ever.


Skyryder

[slofox]

I was working woth a guy in the vicinty of an electric fence and he wanted to have a piss. I know how much of belt these things can put out anyway. So he thinks he's the tuff guy and decides to have a piss on the wire. Anyway he's standing there full stream and nothing is happening as he is pissing between the pulse. Then the next pulse come thru and dropped him dead in his tracks. Copped a full charge from a cattle fence righ in the goolies. Have not seen this guy in years but I swear he was not the same ever.
Skyryder

I was at school with a guy who did just that...funnily enough, he was the smallest guy in the class...

[_Shrek_]

That was great but brought back memories of when Mrs o/r and I were first married.
We had a dog called Henry, he was quite good at obedience but had a bad habit of lingering on the command to "sit".
I found a really powerful cattle prodder in a shop and thought "worth a try".
Out in the yard with Henry, practicing obedience and the chance to test the cattle prodder was presented. Prod, prod, prod! Nothing, nothing, nothing!
New wife working nearby in garden, posterior poking temptingly in the air! "Prod"! :slap:

Shit a brick, that was 42yrs ago and I am still not game to bring it up again.
Maybe it was not a Taser but the effect was not far from it.
The dog never learned to sit without a pause but I sure did. :yes: Cheers John.

:rofl: :killingme running to the :mobile: to talk to Mrs O/R & see if she can still remember it :laugh:

cheers :apint: John you made our day

[Genie]

Oh that is so fanny.

Hey oldrider...good story...you paint a fine mental picture.
Reminided of this time when my ex had been to the dentist and was off his dial. Whilst I went to to chemist, leaving him safely having a cig in the car, so I thtught. He was looking in the wee side mirror and decided to see if he could feel the burn of the cig on his chin. bloody hell, what a mess, burnt himself rather badly. His brain was not connected that day!

[Neshi]

I was working woth a guy in the vicinty of an electric fence and he wanted to have a piss. I know how much of belt these things can put out anyway. So he thinks he's the tuff guy and decides to have a piss on the wire. Anyway he's standing there full stream and nothing is happening as he is pissing between the pulse. Then the next pulse come thru and dropped him dead in his tracks. Copped a full charge from a cattle fence righ in the goolies. Have not seen this guy in years but I swear he was not the same ever.


Skyryder

I was always under the impression you couldn't be shocked by pissing on an electric wire, because the stream is never solid but disperses pretty quickly after leaving the body, ie. the current can't travel back up the stream.
Guess that guy had a pretty solid stream going on.