My son's best mate took his own life last night

[Meanie]

What drives someone to take thier life ?
I got a phone call last night to pick up my son from the local after he had just recieved the news his best mate hung himself
Here is a 19 year old kid with his whole life in front of him, you couldnt meet a nicer teenager, always smiling and never a bad word about anyone
You people with teenagers out there "look out for them" you never know when they may not come home
We have watched this kid grow from a baby into one of the finest young men you could hope to meet
He will be sadly missed

RIP Jared, i hope you found what you are looking for

[yungatart]

Condolences to your young fella. We went through the same thing nearly a year ago. Our son's best mate, aged 15, did the same. Look after your son, be there for him. It takes a long time for those that are left to come to terms with it. Our thoughts to you all and to the young guys family

[Sensei]

Very sad to hear this & hope that all Family & friends keep strong in a time of such confusion . It is hard to figure what goes on in peoples minds & when things like this happen it leaves alot of unanswered questions . Strength to all of you .

[kro]

I struggle to understand it too. Sorry to hear this meanie.

[bell]

Sincere condolences mate. There are so many questions that unfortunately won't have answers for you, your son and all affected. I hope that the weeks/months ahead bring some resolution for you. Honour his memory by making sure that those you care about know they are loved and cared for by you. Take good care of yourself too eh.

[Firefight]

my oldest daughter saw 4 students in her 4 years at a south auckland high school end their lives this way, its so sad.

RIP

F/F

[carver]

What drives someone to take thier life ?
I got a phone call last night to pick up my son from the local after he had just recieved the news his best mate hung himself
Here is a 19 year old kid with his whole life in front of him, you couldnt meet a nicer teenager, always smiling and never a bad word about anyone
You people with teenagers out there "look out for them" you never know when they may not come home
We have watched this kid grow from a baby into one of the finest young men you could hope to meet
He will be sadly missed

RIP Jared, i hope you found what you are looking for

motherfucker, this shit is fucking crazy, im not going to delve into this too much, but i have seen and heard so much of this shit, people saying goodbye to friends, then finding them dead after stepping out in front of trains, i saw a chic almost hang herself once, fuck me man, the people that have nothing in this world like the africans never do this shit, yet we who have nothing have it as a chronic problem here.
food for thought
apologies for the coarse laungauge displayed above:sick:

[texmo]

I struggle to understand it too. Sorry to hear this meanie.
I understand it and I would like to give my condolences. I hope this was not over a girl. I am 19 to and I know what your son is going though. Like they say time heals all wounds.

[shafty]

Meanie, this makes me so SAD Man, - love and prayers goin out to all.
Hang in there Brother, Kia Kaha

[Meanie]

I understand it and I would like to give my condolences. I hope this was not over a girl. I am 19 to and I know what your son is going though. Like they say time heals all wounds.
Na mate not a girl as far as i am aware
Everything seemed fine and no one had any idea
Enjoy your youth and make every day count

[gamgee]

it's so frustrating tho because there is so little we can do to stop it happening, as you said in most cases it just comes completely out of the blue, and it's never the ones you'd expect

[Smokin]

Thats bad news mate, It always makes me think long and hard about my own kids about to become teenages and all the stresses they are about to encounter. I can only point mine in the right direction and hope like hell they follow. My heartfelt condolences to family and friends.

[MattRSK]

I feel a bit messed up about this. He is the same age as me, not sure if he lives around these parts. Chances are that I knew him. Sorry to hear about it. My heart goes out to the family.

[Indiana_Jones]

RIP

It's such a waste. =(

-Indy

[Marknz]

Very sad indeed, and right or wrong, he had his reasons. It's just such a shame and an indictment on modern day society that the young people seem to feel there is no one to talk to and they have to make these choices themselves to make a statement.

Sincere commiserations to you, yours, and his family.

[Biohazard]

Sorry to hear this, thoughts to his family and your son i bet he's devistated.

RIP :bye: - Hope you have found your happiness now...

[RantyDave]

It's caused by feeling that nothing is worthwhile, there's no point in doing anything and you might as well knock it all on the head now.

It does pass, but it doesn't feel like it will. But because it's depression and therefore a pansy's illness nobody talks about it. And I suspect it's killing off our youth at a hell of a rate (if anyone has/can get the numbers, I *am* interested).

Solutions are being able to actually talk to people; sunlight; good sleep; excercise; going on an SSRI if it's really quite bad; going to see a psychologist of some description; and doing tasks that enable your brain to get into a 'flow' state. In my case, doing anything at all usually does it, but something with a defined end point or clear goals does it best.

It's really simple and nobody needs to die. But as a society I believe we need to start being a bit more grown up about this.

My condolences to the family, and your son, obviously.

Dave

[Zapf]

when our a country's youth see the work is such a shit place where everyone is fucking others over, it is that suprising that they no longer want to be a part of it?

If its peace they seek. They found peace.

RIP.

[DingDong]

I lost two good friends (both 15+ year mates) this way, one was 22 years and the other 26 years.
I felt some anger and even a little betrayed that, I was there to help but wasnt asked... I would have went to the ends of the earth for these guys, and they knew it.

Theres nothing that will sober you up faster than seeing your mate in trouble... and your too fucken late to do anything about it.

If I see you guys again, I'm gonna bitch slap ya:yes:
I gave up try'n to understand why... but remember the good times.:yes:

[T.W.R]

It's a devastating blow for those close, to try and fathom what circumstances drive someone to the point where they feel so isolated and alone they just give up.

I've lost friends & a family member by this means, 2 were young impressionable kids during the late 80s that wrapped themselves in the delusional world of gothic/hardcore punk bullshit. My uncle hung himself in a motel because of a marriage breakup. An old local here shot himself because he was told he was going to loose both legs & that would mean loosing his farm.

And only a matter of a couple of years ago a good close mate tried to gas himself in his car, luckily he was found by a passer by, so is still here but after time being assessed in the nutfactory and cocktail of prescribed meds etc is only half the person I grew up with.

It's a hard beast to workout, maybe it will never be understood fully. But it's so heartbreaking for those involved to be left asking why, a scar that takes a lifetime to heal.

Condolences to the kids family and the friends he left behind.

[Huntaway]

Hey Meanie,

So sorry to read your post. There's been too many of these stories close to me too, and every one always cuts deep. RantyDave has given some good things to target, in particular:


nothing is worthwhile, there's no point in doing anything and you might as well knock it all on the head now.

I might add low self esteem and a reluctance to "be a bother" to that, which may be why DingDong's mates never did turn to him.


I would have went to the ends of the earth for these guys, and they knew it.

"Shocking" secrets like bent sexual orientation can be killers too. We all need to work hard to support, stroke, and encourage each other, especially our youth. My sincere condolences to the family and to you Meanie and your son. I know you will be looking out for him.

[candor]

"What drives someone" - was that a rhetorical or not?

Well with teens some common themes. Grief about leaving school and fear of adulthood / uncertainty eg will I have such good friendships in future.
Masked depression (often they can appear fine and don't even know themselves that they are depressed (ie suffering low happy chemicals in brain). Teens ought to be told depression exists and is treatable. But the suicide subject is off the curriculum due to evidence that raising it can get teens trying it out more.

Then (if they're depressed or even just vulnerable as lack support) along comes a small or big thing to upset the teen and they (being too sensitive maybe due to depression) go right over the edge, get it all out of proportion and impulsively do it as just feeling so blown away / hopeless. Alcohol often triggers the impulsive ones who would have otherwise hung in there. As it reduces inhibitions and drops mood soon after use (not to mention hangovers).

Failure to communicate that they are in trouble can come from embarrassment as they may even realise their thoughts are "silly" or it may be they feel so hopeless they think no answer is possible so why bother. Its theorised NZ male suicides are high due to macho culture so if people are worried they are gay they might just decide thats not cool and so they best be going.

My brothers high school girlfriends brother did it at 19. Laughing depressive.
Suicide note showed his thinking realy off beam. Very negative without future. Thought (tho popular) that cos of a minor deformity no girl would want him. Also feeling like a spare wheel cos his mother was trying to push him to leave home. And he had a yuk lo paid job to save up for his education where the other staff ( a bunch of older Samoan woman) were giving him a hard time. In suicide note he thanked mum for a nice life - said it was no-one else just him, that he knew people would be upset but he was sure they'd be over it in a couple of years , and sorry but he just did not see that the future could measure up to the past! Clearly he was under too much pressure, had a few issues and just snapped oneday. He drove somewhere remote and did the carbon monoxide. Lovely guy too.n The class clown. As depressed ones often are.

[Marmoot]

This is from first person's perspective a few years ago: I almost did it.
I almost cut my wrist, holding the knife in my hand. I almost crash my car to oncoming traffic. I contemplated on OD on sleeping pills.

It was triggered by a girl problem. But the real cause I find now (looking back) was not really that.
It was because I have no one that listens. I have people to talk to, yes I did. They hear me too. But they do not listen.

When I cry out my problems, I got advice. And if I did something wrong, they would say "maybe you shouldn't have done blablabla"
You know what? When I cry out, I actually only wants to be heard. Sometimes advice is not the best thing. Let me sort out my problem by myself, but please lend me some shoulder when I'm weak.

The thing that pulled me back was my brother. He was there for me, and times after times he kept mentioning how dear I was to him. I guess the feel of being needed can at times give purpose in life and a little gaze into one's future.

That's roughly how it was with me, I guess.

I'm just glad it's now far away behind me. And most of all, I'm glad I made it through alive.

I know this might not bring anybody back to life, but maybe we can learn to listen to each other and save some lives? If you have people around you, there is nothing wrong to show you appreciate them and need each other.

Condolences to the ones affected. Sad news indeed.

[Edbear]

Condolences to all affected. It's a hard situation to cope with as is shown by the responses here. Depression is an insidious illness and not always easily seen. Those contemplating suicide are not thinking rationally, as posts here testify. It has been said that it it the ultimate expression of selfishness, and that is true, but for the fact that those contemplating it see it as the ultimate unselfish act, freeing their family and friends and the world of a burden - themselves. Either that or they simply don't believe they have any other choice out of an untenable situation.

Either way it is very sad and as parents we need to be keenly alert to the feelings of our teens. The emotional upheavals they go through as they grow and change can be very challenging for them and those caring for them. They feel emotions very strongly over relatively minor problems.

Be encouraged, parents, that while your teens may act rebelliously, or stubbornly - may insist you don't understand or know what you are talking about - deep down, they are generally proud of you as their parents and believe most of what you say, especially if you are showing them you love and care for them.

I have been surprised many years later, to learn how my own three children viewed us and at some of the things they took on board.

Never give up on your kids, fight like hell for them and spend as much time with them as you possibly can.

[APPLE]

wot drives these kids to this?wot, are they to proud to ask for help?or do they simply get to breaking point,and just give up?there mind must be in turmoil.i dont know man,i have always wondered about this?isn't there like orgs,like fight 4life'' that can offer help.life is to precious to waste it on the end of a rope.......my condolences to his family and friends.

[avgas]

Thats sad to hear. Sometimes there is too much space in these kids heads that is taken up by everyone else...there is no room left for them.
Hopefully there is a lesson here, not a dominoe effect.
My thoughts are with you man

[Meanie]

I feel a bit messed up about this. He is the same age as me, not sure if he lives around these parts. Chances are that I knew him. Sorry to hear about it. My heart goes out to the family.
Jared Clout was his name and yea he lived and worked in Palmerston North been here all his life, the only time he left was with us on holiday. He was right into his hockey and played for the rep team here
Thanks everyone for all you support, i am shocked to learn of so many people that have known someone close that has taken thier life and as Zapf said who wouldnt want to be a part of this awesome country ?

[Quartida]

wot drives these kids to this?wot, are they to proud to ask for help?or do they simply get to breaking point,and just give up?there mind must be in turmoil.i dont know man,i have always wondered about this?isn't there like orgs,like fight 4life'' that can offer help.life is to precious to waste it on the end of a rope.......my condolences to his family and friends.

The problem is that I think some of these people feel so hopeless that even talking to someone seems like a hopeless watse of time.

Situations like this make me want to try to show people as much love as I possibly can...it is too awful to contemplate something like this happening and the best way I know to go about it is to try and be as supportive a person as possible to everyone I meet. These stories are all too common. My heart goes out to all those involved in this and other situations like it. Stay strong.

[MSTRS]

It is always shocking/upsetting to hear of this sort of thing. We can never really know why it happens - those who have 'been there' had their reasons at the time, but those reasons are different for everyone. That probably explains why it is so hard to pick those people who are likely to do this.
I hope your son is coping, Meanie - all you can do is be around him to support.

[placidfemme]

Thats terrible. I hope your son holds up ok during this hard time. RIP and my thoughts are with the family.

[Colapop]

I am absolutely terried by this. More than anything else in my life I fear for my children. I have a 15 year old son who is the epitome of a good kid. He has good friends, is popular and excels at sport and school. I know it's no garuntee. My daughter is 11 and as a big girl I expect that there will be jibes. I do not expect them to have any thoughts that will lead them to take their lives - but I don't live their lives. I can think of no greater fear than that of suicide.

I feel for you all that have lost someone in this way.

[Str8 Jacket]

What drives someone to take thier life ?


I wish I knew the answer and I have been on both sides far too many times for my liking. I feel for your son, he will be very confused at the moment. He will be wanting to mourn his mate but he wont have anyone or anything to blame for his mates death. Getting your head around the fact that someone was that depressed and that there was nothing you could have done just blows your mind. Your son will never understand it and after awhile he may get angry with his mate, he may not either, he may blame himself that he didnt do anything. There was nothing anyone could have done and in time your son may come to understand that and hopefully he will be able to eventually smile at the good memories they had together. Watch your son, let him talk about it as much as he wants and dont try and stop him. This is what will eventually help him to get over the passing. The funeral will be hugely emotional and it will help your son, encourage him to attend if he's having any feelings of doubt over it. As I say I have been there too many times, 3 best mates and i'll never understand. It just rips your heart out.

[Winston001]

I've been struggling for something meaningful to say. The thread on depression a few months ago covers this topic well. http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=27658&highlight=depression

My heart goes out to you and your son. Please don't judge Jared for his decision. Some people say suicide is selfish but they have no conception of what is in the sad persons mind. A person contemplating suicide does so because life is black and they are insignificant. By dying they relieve the world of a burden. They really don't see that family/friends will be worse off - quite the opposite it seems to them.

Detecting suicidal tendencies is the really hard question. I suspect there is no simple method. Perhaps the best guide is to consider family history as a pointer to what might develop. Teenagers have very strong emotions which can tip them over into extreme reactions.

Talk to your children and show that you love them. Listen too - sometimes what a person (as Marmoot has explained very well) needs is to be understood, not judged or advised. This requires reflective listening where you repeat back the persons words. Hearing this, they percieve empathy and that can lift a great burden.

[Sniper]

Im sorry to hear this. Its sad I know. I had a friend who huing himself a few months ago. The only advice I can offer is to support his family. They will suffer alot.

All the best mate and condolences

Stu

[Beemer]

Condolences, unfortunately it's not uncommon for people who appear to have their lives sorted to commit suicide. I know of at least four people who have - one was a very good friend of mine and one was someone I admired for his motorcycling talent. As they say, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I wish to hell I knew how to prevent it. I covered coroner's court once and heard of five young people, one only aged 11, who had killed themselves. Often it is over a very trivial thing like someone not talking to them one day, but it is the one thing that sends them over the edge.

I think all we can do is ensure our loved ones know we love them and are there for them even when times are hard or when they make mistakes. Everyone blames themselves when a loved one commits suicide but the simple fact is, it's rarely anyone's fault, it's a combination of lots of factors that finally makes someone think that life isn't worth living. Wish I knew the answer and could say the right things, but it's just one of those horrible consequences of life today.

[Lou Girardin]

What is it with this (and the last) generations that their first thought when something doesn't go their way is that life isn't worth living.
Killing yourself because someone upset you? Unfathomable.
Is this the logical conclusion of wrapping kids in cotton wool and protecting them from life?

[mstriumph]

It's caused by feeling that nothing is worthwhile, there's no point in doing anything and you might as well knock it all on the head now.



there is ALWAYS something worth living for
but sometimes it seems really attractive to swap the known here and now for the unknowable hereafter

condolances to those left behind - and to those posting here whose memories and old hurts have been stirred

[Marmoot]

It is not until recently that I really realize how a simple "hey, how are you" when you meet someone in the morning at the workplace can really change your relationship with those involved.
It might not be much to look at, but it goes far deep.

As the AMI ads say, smile is contagious.

[Firefight]

It is not until recently that I really realize how a simple "hey, how are you" when you meet someone in the morning at the workplace can really change your relationship with those involved.
It might not be much to look at, but it goes far deep.

As the AMI ads say, smile is contagious.


You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Marmoot again.



F/F

[Maha]

Thoughtless act, to bestow enormous grief on those that actually give a shit is way beyond me, and im not just talking about this particular incident, younger people that top themselves, needed more time to grow up, i will never be convinced that it was a mature decision.....:nono:

[Winston001]

Thoughtless act, to bestow enormous grief on those that actually give a shit is way beyond me, and im not just talking about this particular incident, younger people that top themselves, needed more time to grow up, i will never be convinced that it was a mature decision.....:nono:

The problem is that the suicidal person isn't thinking rationally. They don't think it'll really hurt anyone else because the world is better off without them. Teenagers in particular aren't mature and don't think through the consequences.

[Marmoot]

Thoughtless act, to bestow enormous grief on those that actually give a shit is way beyond me, and im not just talking about this particular incident, younger people that top themselves, needed more time to grow up, i will never be convinced that it was a mature decision.....:nono:

Too bad there was no more time in almost 100% of the case.

The chance of blind people finding their way across a jungle is almost nil. The same as in this issue; people who are blinded by their life's problems and trying to find a way in this messy life of theirs.

Instead of slagging them for being immature as they are, why not help them grow?

[Maha]

Too bad there was no more time in almost 100% of the case.

The chance of blind people finding their way across a jungle is almost nil. The same as in this issue; people who are blinded by their life's problems and trying to find a way in this messy life of theirs.

Instead of slagging them for being immature as they are, why not help them grow?
Who's slagging?..... any person that knows me (which you dont) knows that i will help anyone, and i have personally been at my lowest about 6 years ago, lost everything i had, and almost state of mind, suicide never entered the equation, its a cop out........'my opinion'....!

[Marmoot]

Good 4 you then

I wish everyone is like that

[Dangerous Dane]

Sorry to hear about this, had it happen to me about a month ago, Next mate who does it's getting a speech from me at his funeral about it. Its just not on.

[NC]

What drives someone to take thier life ?

The feeling that all the pain that you have suffered is never going to leave you, there is no out. No matter how you try and talk to people (who offer to listen) none of them understand. Depression is a killer.

[Rossi Gal]

Its the sadest thing to ever hear. so sorry. my thoughts are with you, your son, the family and all those involved. and to those who have also shared here.

[MattRSK]

Jared Clout was his name and yea he lived and worked in Palmerston North been here all his life, the only time he left was with us on holiday. He was right into his hockey and played for the rep team here
Thanks everyone for all you support, i am shocked to learn of so many people that have known someone close that has taken thier life and as Zapf said who wouldnt want to be a part of this awesome country ?

Yeah turns out me and a close mate of mine knew him quite well. Pretty cut up about this.

[Macktheknife]

RIP young man. Meanie, I hope and pray this will be the last time you and your family will be exposed to this. Give my condolensces to your son.

[98tls]

SAD...thoughts go out to your son and the family.RIP

[Meanie]

Yeah turns out me and a close mate of mine knew him quite well. Pretty cut up about this.
Ill post the funeral details when we know at this stage its on thursday

[MattRSK]

Thanks meanie. Think my mate will travel up from wellington. He played hockey with jared.

[Meanie]

Thanks meanie. Think my mate will travel up from wellington. He played hockey with jared.
Just heard that his send off is at 2.00pm on Friday
Christian family church in Matipo street Palmerston North
Ask your mate to let some of his hockey team mates know, his parents dont know how to get hold of them

[MattRSK]

Thanks meanie. My friend will try and get into contact with the hockey team. Im sure word will get round.

[The Pastor]

Sobering news. Often comes with no warning at all.
Its very sad when someone thinks they have no other option.

[magicfairy]

After I read this yesterday I went home and talked to my 19 yr old son about suicide. "...if you ever feel like that please come and talk to me...." He told me that someone he knew from school (Wlg) had committed suicide a couple of months ago, and he knew of others. We forget sometimes that for all their bravado they are still very young and vulnerable.
My heart goes out to the family, it must be devastating.

[Scorpygirl]

Meanie - this is such sad news to hear. Please keep the channels of communication wide open for your son and his friends at this time and for the next few months. Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui at this time. Oh how I know the pain of losing someone to suicide but also knowing the depths of the abyss that envelops you in a complete darkness. Take care of your young people everyone.

[Quartida]

It is not until recently that I really realize how a simple "hey, how are you" when you meet someone in the morning at the workplace can really change your relationship with those involved.
It might not be much to look at, but it goes far deep.


Exceptionally well said, and very true. The smallest things can make the biggest difference.

[Meanie]

We laid Jared to rest yesterday, a very touching and emotional funeral.
I had to get up and say something and i dont mind saying i struggled with it but i got through
One of his close friends got up and sang Angel a song sung by Sarah McLachlan and i dont think thier was a dry eye in the whole church
His hockey team was there which was very cool indeed Thanks mattRSK for giving them the heads up
I think it was very sobering for all the younguns there I hope they all learn a lesson from Jareds mistake If it saves even one life Jared has made a difference
Thanks heaps to all of you for your support and kind words it does help when you are going through something like this to know you have friends that are so willing to help
Bye Jared we sure are going to miss you :bye:

[adaymond]

I'm Jared Clouts Aunt - Sister of his father Steve..

Jared didnt actually have a know history of depression, this was revealed to the entire family after his death by his doctor.
Jared had a promising future; his apprenticeship was going well; no "Girl troubles" no drug abuse etc; he done exceedingly well at sport and had heaps of supportive mates - some of them I can remember from when they were little tots running round Peter Hall drive, Palmy.

The last time I saw Jared is when he came to Wellington and stayed with me for a week or so a coupple of months before he suicided.

There was no clue as to why Jared suicided, he had promised his little sister Courtney that he was going to pick her up the next morning and take her to hockey, he had laid his own hockey uniform out on his bed.

The only thing anyone seems to know is that his mood changed when he was out with his mates (flatmates also) they left him at the bar that they were all in, noone knows anything else after that.
It seems he went home later that night and suicided - later to be found by his older sister and his father.

The most difficult thing for the family is; the simple fact that noone knows why, no note, no warning - no anything!
If someone out there knows anything, it would be awesome if they told Jareds parents - even an anonymous note in the mailbox would be great - to finally put their mind and hearts at ease

[scumdog]

Never figured why otherwise 'normal' dudes top themselves.

My mate did it after his missus being unfaithful to him twice - not joke, a bullet through the swede is no joke.
But a lot have less angst and still do it. , go figure...

[Sniper]

Adaymond.

Life is hard and unfortunatly the thoughts in a suicidee's mind can never be truely known.

I was playing PS2 with my mate 3 days before he topped himself. Couldnt believe it and still cant to this day. Its been over a year and he is still missed. Just remember Jared in his good times and dont try figure out why, it will only hurt

All the best

[Mom]

I hold a pretty dim view of suicide.......I have seen the effects on friends and family when someone chooses to end their own life......it is the most selfish thing to do and a devastating, horrid thing for the ones left behind to have to deal with, specially when there was no hint it was coming...........

Fortunately I also know that there is more than likely a mental illness behind most suicides, that keeps me calm, I just wish I have not had to support someone who's only son decided to take his life, deliberately to avoid the shit that he had managed to get himself into, leaving his family to deal with it.

My love and strength to this family, to lose a loved one for any reason is hard, double that and then some for the ones left behind by suicide.

[Toaster]

I've been to and dealt with several suicides while in the cops.... a horrible, selfish thing to do. Just awful... I will never forget any of them.

[scumdog]

Nothing guts you more than looking at somebody you know lying on a slab looking almost 'normal' - EXCEPT for the hole through their head, the blue colour of their lips and fingertips, the watery foam coming from their mouth or whatever it was that killed them, - BUT having a good mind and body prior to death..
All I can think of is "shee-it, what a waste, some poor sucker in a wheel-chair would give his eye-teeth to have a body like thAT"

WHAT A WASTE, WHAT A FUCKING, SORRY WASTE....

[oldrider]

In the Waitaki Valley this sort of thing had a roll on and was averaging about one a year for about 30 odd yrs and there was no pattern, all ages, both genders and all walks of life.

It seems to have quietened down over the last few years but it gets a role on and even seems contagious at times, there is just no explanation to it. Damn waste. (IMHO) John.

[Delerium]

NZ has one of the worst youth suicide rates in the world.

[Street Gerbil]

NZ has one of the worst youth suicide rates in the world.
...and scores 2nd best in "peace index". I wonder if those figures are related. Back in Israel which scored somewhere in the region of Somalia, Ethiopia, and Iraq, with all the shit caused by the neighbors, kids were too busy trying to live to pause and think about taking their lives. Suicide rate is very low.
Can it be that life in New Zealand is just too easy for kids and they do stupid things out of boredom?

[candor]

I'm Jared Clouts Aunt - Sister of his father Steve..

Jared didnt actually have a know history of depression, this was revealed to the entire family after his death by his doctor.
Jared had a promising future; his apprenticeship was going well; no "Girl troubles" no drug abuse etc; he done exceedingly well at sport and had heaps of supportive mates - some of them I can remember from when they were little tots running round Peter Hall drive, Palmy.

The last time I saw Jared is when he came to Wellington and stayed with me for a week or so a coupple of months before he suicided.

There was no clue as to why Jared suicided, he had promised his little sister Courtney that he was going to pick her up the next morning and take her to hockey, he had laid his own hockey uniform out on his bed.

The only thing anyone seems to know is that his mood changed when he was out with his mates (flatmates also) they left him at the bar that they were all in, noone knows anything else after that.
It seems he went home later that night and suicided - later to be found by his older sister and his father.

The most difficult thing for the family is; the simple fact that noone knows why, no note, no warning - no anything!
If someone out there knows anything, it would be awesome if they told Jareds parents - even an anonymous note in the mailbox would be great - to finally put their mind and hearts at ease

Hi Adaymond. I'm a psych nurse. Very often when we 'd admit young guys they have tried suicide impulsively after drinking. The alcohol can cause quite a drop in mood in some people or in some people at certain times. And lapses in judgment. Often there is no big answer. Quite often it is something pretty small that has grown out of proportion in the teenagers mind. Sometimes its sexuality issues. This sounds like it may just have been a few normally unworrying things conspiring. His age - alcohol - and his male sex mainly (guys are better at succeeding at suicide as they chose more violent so less reversible methods). Sorry for your loss, sad your nephew made such a terrible mistake and how the little girl must be affected.

I guess that those drinking with him may have a clue from what you said, are you suspicious of that. They say his mood changed and they left him at the bar - doesn't sound very "matey" to me. Have you interrogated them?

[ynot slow]

unfortunitely suicide is ongoing,i feel for the person finding the victim,usually family or partner,years ago i knew of a young woman who did it,2 small kids,both had own business's,she had 2 attempts with shotgun as first go took part of shoulder,hubby was shocked and was held in high esteem in motorsport community,but as he was so cut up at funeral,most close to him new he was to blame with numerous affairs,had a mate ring him one day asking if his flat could be used as love shack for couple of hours,sure he was full of remorse,but how do you explain it to 2 small kids.my own eldest daughter has had a friend die at 15yr from cancer,then she was told she has a gene which can lead to cancer,she was told this less than 3 months after her friends funeral,she is now 17 so still get concirned about what's inside their heads.takes a brave being to get through lifes problems,sometimes ending it seems all to easy,worse when so young.condolences to any families bereaved.

[Hitcher]

Could people please be courteous and observe the convention of starting a sentence with a capital letter and ending it with a full-stop and a space before the first word on the the new sentence (which has a capital letter). A space after commas and other punctuation in a sentence is also a very good idea. There is no shortage of spaces on your keyboard. Please use them.

This plea for legibility has been posted by the BDOTGNZA.

[Grub]

Quite often it is something pretty small that has grown out of proportion in the teenagers mind. Sometimes its sexuality issues. This sounds like it may just have been a few normally unworrying things conspiring. His age - alcohol - and his male sex mainly

Sadly, this is the unspoken truth with most young male suicides. They discover that maybe they're not 100% straight but society doesn't provide any validation that says that might be OK. There's no-one they can talk to. At that age, mates are the centre of your universe and they are the ones that these guys are too scared to alienate, yet they're the only ones close enough to talk to. It's a vicious, nasty conundrum and they see only one way out.

We all need to say "hey, it's ok, we don't care". Instead we all make jokes about stuff being gay/ghey and sneer. Next time people, think before you say or write it

[melalicious]

I'm Melissa, Jared's sister i happened to be the one who found him nearly a whole day after he went missing! Because thats when i found out he was missing! pretty crap i know.
This is the worst thing i have ever been through and to this day haunts me in my sleep. I'm 23 i struggle with day to day silly things to, i see how easy it could be to give up, but i DONT blame Jared 4 what he done i understand how hard it must have been and how much he must have been hurting. What i've realized is the fact that i diddnt see this, i diddnt notice anything was wrong, so how is it all his fault? People say suicide is a selfish way out and thats fine but i dont see it that way. I would give anything to have him back.
Everybody has theories about what triggers suicide but in our situation we will never know, i would rather celebrate the time we did have and keep the memories alive.
I was actually shocked to come across this site and some of the things said. The funny thing is everybody seems to get over it so fast, nobody comes to visit my family and see how we are, we still deal with this every day, we still hurt everyday! but people disappear!
Some things said are so untrue but i'll leave it at that.
Please be considerate in what you write, you never know who's going to come across it!

[lanci]

It's not cool, selfish, period.

[Steam]

I feel for you Mel, it's not nice reading about loved ones on the net, especially when people are yabbering on about them.

In other news...
My ex girlfriend's body was just found today, she killed herself after she ran away from a mental hospital in Dunedin a few days ago. You may read about it tomorrow in the paper if you live in Otago.
(ex from quite a few years ago now)

[Bikernereid]

Sorry to hear such bad news.

But as some advice to parents just because your teenager appears happy it may not be the case. I can speak from experience and when you suffer with depression you become very good at hiding your true feelings. You may seem like the life and soul of the party but inside it is a very different reality.

All I can say is talk as much as you can to your children and make sure that they understand that no matter what the problems they are facing it WILL NEVER be a burden on you to listen. I didn't talk to my parents, not because I couldn't (they were/are amazing) but because I felt that I didn't want to add pressure on them. I wish I had spoken to them as me ending up in hospital was far harder for them to deal with than me talking to them could ever have been.

Hope this helps.

[melalicious]

He wasn't gay, if he was I'd love him to death,if he was depressed I asked the family doctor and saw no signs either, he had a mum and dad still together and another little sister ( maybe he'd wished he'd had a brother . I would have gladly had a brother for him. He had a kind heart and lived life and loved life to the very end. He would have loved a girlfriend he was so giving too . He ate healthy he showed me his ab's and his ab diet book ( I asked to borrow it ) he played hockey, he won his school cross country race, he loved golf, snowboarding , cars etc...he had a good job ( but found study hard for his apprenticeship) he'd tell me, he could come home he could talk to us about anything.
We miss him and losing him felt like the end of the world.
I hate thieves and bullies, he stuck up for his cousin at high school and that boy got his three cousins chasing Jared maybe he was scared shitless and didn't know what to do , I know my son I brought him up , I just wished I knew when I woke up 4am that morn I could help him, now I have to live with and wonder why, I would like for anyone in trouble to talk to talk to anyone please it does get better. I'm sure it's their way of thinking too, we tend to want to lean on something but as we get older we decide not too... I love you Jared and miss you so much I know you're in a better place.
And to learn from a bad thing is to help others not to let it happen to others.
your mum 4evaxxxooo and dad xxxooo and little sisters xxxooo

[karla]

Hi Melissa
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. My sister committed suicide nine years ago, and I will never forget sitting with her afterwards, holding her hand, her body bruised and broken from a drug overdose. It was really unfair, she was a beautiful, talented young woman who was loved and had everything going for her. I think that if she had known how badly messed she would get from the overdose, she would not have done it that way - there is nothing romantic about your body being left blue, swollen and puffy.

Only those of us who have been through this really understand how difficult this is to make any sense of. In the first few years suicide became an "option", a choice in my mind, and like you, I could understand and justify why she did it. I wasn't angry at her; just sad. Some days I even had some respect for her choice, and I used to believe that she was stronger than most people.

Other days I think that she was not well, too sick to carry on living the way that most of us do, and too sick to deal with life one day at a time. She really tried hard to change. But I believe that her thinking was made worse by the way that she reacted to drugs and alcohol - some people just can't drink like others, it is like poison. That is one of the reasons I don't drink alcohol anymore; to ... in my own small way ... make her life mean something, and to help me believe that she didn't die needlessly. Later she became a 'statistic'; that really gutted me.

I feel quite powerless when I hear of others who go through this, because I know that there is nothing really that anyone can say to help - and others do forget quickly. They don't feel the pain of loss. We have to do the work ourselves, to find our truth and to make peace with ourselves and our loved ones. It makes us dig deep to find the strength we need to survive, and we do get stronger, but it's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

I wish you the peace that I have found - it will come to you.
Karla


I'm Melissa, Jared's sister i happened to be the one who found him nearly a whole day after he went missing! Because thats when i found out he was missing! pretty crap i know.
This is the worst thing i have ever been through and to this day haunts me in my sleep. I'm 23 i struggle with day to day silly things to, i see how easy it could be to give up, but i DONT blame Jared 4 what he done i understand how hard it must have been and how much he must have been hurting. What i've realized is the fact that i diddnt see this, i diddnt notice anything was wrong, so how is it all his fault? People say suicide is a selfish way out and thats fine but i dont see it that way. I would give anything to have him back.
Everybody has theories about what triggers suicide but in our situation we will never know, i would rather celebrate the time we did have and keep the memories alive.
I was actually shocked to come across this site and some of the things said. The funny thing is everybody seems to get over it so fast, nobody comes to visit my family and see how we are, we still deal with this every day, we still hurt everyday! but people disappear!
Some things said are so untrue but i'll leave it at that.
Please be considerate in what you write, you never know who's going to come across it!

[Bikernereid]

Mel,

I am so sorry that you lost your brother. I can't imagine what you are going through but you have my thoughts. As for people getting over it easily and not visiting you, it may not be the case. My father died 7 years ago aged 52. Some people still can't talk about my dad, my dad's brother being one of them!! I think that it is because they are too upset, can't deal with talking about him or worry that it will upset us. The truth of the matter is mum and I keep my dad alive by talking about him all the time. I took me about 6 years to deal with it and stop being angry and bitter. You sound like you have the right idea, celebrate the time you had with your brother!! I try to do that as much as I can now!!

Suicide is not selfish end of story. As someone who tried to end her life I can understand excatly where he was coming from and it takes a great deal of courage and is not something done lightly. Sometimes ending your life is the only way to take control of it and stop the pain. People often do not have any idea what it is like to suffer continuously with depression and anyone who spouts about suicide being selfish should think twice before typing or speaking.

I hope that you and your family support each other and enjoy spending time together.


I'm Melissa, Jared's sister i happened to be the one who found him nearly a whole day after he went missing! Because thats when i found out he was missing! pretty crap i know.
This is the worst thing i have ever been through and to this day haunts me in my sleep. I'm 23 i struggle with day to day silly things to, i see how easy it could be to give up, but i DONT blame Jared 4 what he done i understand how hard it must have been and how much he must have been hurting. What i've realized is the fact that i diddnt see this, i diddnt notice anything was wrong, so how is it all his fault? People say suicide is a selfish way out and thats fine but i dont see it that way. I would give anything to have him back.
Everybody has theories about what triggers suicide but in our situation we will never know, i would rather celebrate the time we did have and keep the memories alive.
I was actually shocked to come across this site and some of the things said. The funny thing is everybody seems to get over it so fast, nobody comes to visit my family and see how we are, we still deal with this every day, we still hurt everyday! but people disappear!
Some things said are so untrue but i'll leave it at that.
Please be considerate in what you write, you never know who's going to come across it!

[YellowDog]

That is terrible news. I cannot imagine how much friends and family must be struggling and will need a lot of support. I hope a reason transpires in the fullness of time. There must have been one, however unjustified it may seem. It would help the ones left behind gain some understanding.

Very sad. Deepest condolences.

[Meanie]

The funny thing is everybody seems to get over it so fast, nobody comes to visit my family and see how we are, we still deal with this every day, we still hurt everyday! but people disappear!
!

No one forgets.
I still struggle with it every day. Not a day goes by that I dont think about how much we all miss his company and warm smile. My son still cant bring himself to talk about it and wont look at the DVD of photos your dad dropped around. Every time we talk about our holiday plans down to marlbrough sounds we tremember how much we enjoyed him coming with us, I still cant take his name and phone number off my phone, so like i said, we havnt and never will forget him.

[ynot slow]

Just because time has moved on and friends don't call or appear to care,doesn't mean they have forgotten,can take time for close friends to get their heads around it,all the questions on why has this happened etc.

[slimjim]

yes, one's choice is so hard to understand , and it's a choice of their free will , and it's still the living that hurt's the most, thought's of your sorrow and knowledge life is not alway's as it seem's