Legal Profession jokes

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.


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[Pillick]

I expected this to be about prostitution. dissapointing...

[Macktheknife]

Why don't sharks eat Lawyers?




professional courtesy

[mstriumph]

A lawyer, named Thomas Strange, was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies Thomas Strange, an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave, :innocent: and the authorities would be confused. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

"Sure they will," replied the stonecutter. "Everyone who reads it will think, 'That's Strange!'"

[mstriumph]

A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.

"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."

"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing :confused: how do you start a flood?"

[mstriumph]

A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.

At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"

The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" :sunny:

[mstriumph]

in conclusion, as someone once said ...

"the problem with legal jokes is

that lawyers don't find them funny ....

and the rest of us don't think they are jokes!!"

[cowboyz]

One day God and the devil got into an argument because God thought that the devil was taking more than his fair share of souls into their repective afterlives.

After several hours of debate the devil says "Look, this is the way it is and there is nothing you can do about it"

God replies, "I am going to sue then"

To which the devil replies, "Yeah right, where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

[avgas]

A good lawyer is like a good wife:
a) They will stand by you when times get tough
b) They will reassure you, when you lose hope
c) They will only cost you half your lifes savings when its over

[MSTRS]

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter,

"You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now fuck off".

[Drunken Monkey]

Did you hear about the clumsy female lawyer?

She dropped her briefs!

[terbang]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR,

DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)



Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!