Rethink your Job

[Waylander]

edit:
and 1 to record the lightbulb insertion with his video camera for the good of the community
and then make it his avatar...

[Hitcher]

The best post for ages. Well done and thank you HDTboy!

[MSTRS]

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
and 1 to tell them off....

[MSTRS]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.


(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.

The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece ! of wood at all times.


(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.


(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband! 's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act!

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:

Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull l30 times its own weight and always falls

over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

[Marmoot]

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

I lived there for 25 years and never heard about any....

In fact, it is much more legal than adultery

[HDTboy]

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
Are we talking marine animal, or sexual position with a lazy partner?

[HDTboy]

An oldie but a goodie

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

[Jay widda 150]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: ALL so brillient

[HDTboy]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

The husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus"

[Jay widda 150]

ladie walks into the drycleaners and says "i want my shirt cleaned" the deaf clerk says "come again?" the ladie says "no yoghurt this time"

[Ramius]

I lived there for 25 years and never heard about any....

In fact, it is much more legal than adultery

Because I have no life at the moment, I did a quick search, and it appears that in some communities of Indoneisa, Masturbation is illegal. However, I can't find what the official penalty is.

[MSTRS]

I lived there for 25 years and never heard about any....

In fact, it is much more legal than adultery
May or may not be true. So what. In the US there are some weird laws too - like one I heard it is illegal to sneeze or cough whilst in church in Alabama (I think it was)

[Ramius]

May or may not be true. So what. In the US there are some weird laws too - like one I heard it is illegal to sneeze or cough whilst in church in Alabama (I think it was)

http://sbt.bhmedia.com/laws.html

There are some stupid ones for you.

[Waylander]

May or may not be true. So what. In the US there are some weird laws too - like one I heard it is illegal to sneeze or cough whilst in church in Alabama (I think it was)
That one is true, it is also illegal to carry a child in a basket through Hell, Arizona. And some states in the new england area it is illegal for a horse to chew gum. Go figure.

[MSTRS]

That one is true, it is also illegal to carry a child in a basket through Hell, Arizona. And some states in the new england area it is illegal for a horse to chew gum. Go figure.
I guess all laws had a reasonable application at the time they were introduced. Pity so many never get repealed. Mind you, gives us something to chuckle over. BTW what happened to your horse. 30 days hard labour or the busticket? :rofl:

[Waylander]

I guess all laws had a reasonable application at the time they were introduced. Pity so many never get repealed. Mind you, gives us something to chuckle over. BTW what happened to your horse. 30 days hard labour or the busticket? :rofl:
Hmm I think the rider gets 30 days in the local drunk tank and the horse gets impounded then auctioned off.

lol, I don't know mate I've never been to new england. I just remember there being a book about silly laws like that in the states and that was one of the ones I remember from it. Wish I still had it cause there were some crazy ones from the government-up-thier-arse.

[Ramius]

May or may not be true. So what. In the US there are some weird laws too - like one I heard it is illegal to sneeze or cough whilst in church in Alabama (I think it was)

Omaha, Nebraska

[Hitcher]

Omaha, Nebraska
Gezundheit!

[MSTRS]

Omaha, Nebraska

Gezundheit!
Bless you, as my granma would have said

[Wolf]

Bless you, as my granma would have said
The English say "Bless you" owing to the belief that a sneeze is the expulsion of a demon. The French say "A tes souhaites" because they think a sneeze presages a wish coming true. Only the Germans have the intellect to realise you are ill and wish you good health.

Face it, the English and French are nothing but a pack of superstitious heathens huddling in the dark - makes you wonder why they fought each other for so long, considering their obvious similarities :rofl: :devil2:

[Beemer]

How's this for politically incorrect...

A man goes into an adult entertainment store and asks the salesperson for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like a male or female?" the salesperson asks.
"Female, please," says the customer.
"Would you like black or white?"
"White, please," answers the customer.
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confuses the customer.
He replies, "What has religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll."
"Well," explains the salesperson, "The Muslim doll blows itself up."

[Ixion]

The English say "Bless you" owing to the belief that a sneeze is the expulsion of a demon. The French say "A tes souhaites" because they think a sneeze presages a wish coming true. Only the Germans have the intellect to realise you are ill and wish you good health.

Face it, the English and French are nothing but a pack of superstitious heathens huddling in the dark - makes you wonder why they fought each other for so long, considering their obvious similarities :rofl: :devil2:

Cos those filthy frogs are DIFFERENT superstitious heathens. Jeez, innit obvious.

[mstriumph]

can't see this on here anywhere soooooooooooo

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp,
“Excuthe me, mither, do you keep wittle wabbits?”

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks
“Little lady, does oo want a wittle white wabby, or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

She, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says very quietly
“I don’t fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck.............”
:whistle:

[Storm]

Top effort, I'd give the green but I've been whoring it around lately

[mstriumph]

..... no matter - public acclaim is good too ..... :niceone:
Top effort, I'd give the green but I've been whoring it around lately

[MSTRS]

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins -
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

[MSTRS]

Reason #34 for not coming in to work.....

[Waylander]

Reason #34 for not coming in to work.....hehe The one in the hat looks like my cat.

[SPman]

An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "No".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father.".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"
The priest says, "Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
"Look at this big fucker Bishop".
Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner!" exclaims the bishop.

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My lord, what language!" she says.
"No, Sister, he explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker!

Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker."
Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."

That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the fucker!" the priest cries proudly." "And I cleaned the fucker!" cries the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior.
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright."

[Beemer]

This guy was being a real tosser at work until one of the women turned around and said "you know what you need? An optorectomy." He looked at her and said "what the hell's that when it's at home?"

She smiled and said "it's a procedure where they disconnect the optic nerve connecting your eyes and your arsehole and improve that shitty outlook on life you've got."

[HDTboy]

DOCTOR'S OFFICE VISIT

There's nothing worse than a snooty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't p#ss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[HDTboy]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the
famous
chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later, he received this
report:



MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.  I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF
TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SOLLEE.

[placidfemme]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the
famous
chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later, he received this
report:



MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.  I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF
TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SOLLEE.

lmao dirty lil detective that one :rofl:

[Sniper]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the
famous
chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later, he received this
report:



MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.  I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF
TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SOLLEE.

That almost reminds me of something.......... nope, its gone again

[HDTboy]

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

[HDTboy]

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out, both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped ina roadside cemetery for relief. When they realised they couldn't wipe, one suggested she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.



The next day one of the womens husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"



"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her bum that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[HDTboy]

125 Things Never To Say During Sex



1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh daddy, daddy!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day).
71) is it o.k. if I call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72) its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it o.k. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments).
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

[HDTboy]

Have u heard the one about the new pirate movie




Its rated aarrrrggh

*said in best pirate voice*

[Waylander]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse "No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"

[Hitcher]

"I'm your sons' English Teacher"
I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...

[vifferman]

I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...
Hopefully the English teacher didn't verbally punctuate. That would be just too pedantic.

[Beemer]

I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...

You didn't think to ask first if the guy had one or TWO sons - he may have twins so I'm afraid the apostrophe could be in the correct place in this instance!

Besides, many English teachers have appalling spelling and grammatical skills - I should know, I've just finished proofreading some school reports!

[Waylander]

I wouldn't want anybody with punctuation skills like this teaching my kids...
Not my typing, I stole it from someone else on another site.

[HDTboy]

NEW EVENING CLASSES OPEN TO MEN ONLY!!!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days,
and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of
turning the house upside down while screaming
- Open forum



DAY TWO:
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE
OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL
TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING
WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

[Wolf]

Education for women
Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

[anhrefn]

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one
black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery
when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to
the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--
the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw
was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm
inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last
night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab
said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping
away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
:buggerd:

[Brian d marge]

NEW EVENING CLASSES OPEN TO MEN ONLY!!!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days,
and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

Dont they come in a plastic bag from the service station???

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

AHA ..if you leave the empty onein the holder.. the good fairy will replace it

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
You can Never lose stuff on the floor ...in the laundry socks will disappear

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

I have seen dishes and silverware fly on many occasions !:devil2:

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups

Cant imagine losing the remote control , to terrible to think about :no:

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of
turning the house upside down while screaming
- Open forum

Well if it was left on the floor where I left it I wouldnt have lost it !



DAY TWO:
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE
OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
An easy one this ...on the table next to the coffee machine !!! that where they go !!

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL
TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
You cook with flower?? dont you ...not sure on that one

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

Never lost so dont need to ask ...easy one that !!!

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

To dangerous

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

Mums cookings better ...easy one that ...( going to ace this class!!)

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
Roller blades trust me ..they work.. and a walkman!!!

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

Have them all written down on a piece of paper somewhere ..( reminds me the gp is on in 4 weeks time )

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING
WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Dont understand that last one, its a toughy ,,,,,,well cant expect to be perfect

Stephen

Talking bout strange things happening ,,,anyone noticed the toilet seat ,,,you leave it up ...( in case of emergency ) ,,,,and the next day ,,,ITS DOWN ...now that is weird ....never figured that one :weird:

[HDTboy]

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot!

[HDTboy]

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.

FOR EXAMPLE .......


1. FREEZER BAGS:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE RIGHT
THROUGH THEM.

2. COPIERS:
THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM
UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS ARE
PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.

3. TYRES:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE IT GOES BALD AND ITS OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.

4. HOT AIR BALLOON:
MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER
IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.

5. SPONGES:
FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.

6. WEB PAGE:
FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.

7. SUBWAY:
MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.

8. HOURGLASS:
FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.

9. HAMMER:
MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT IT'S
HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.

10. REMOTE CONTROL:
FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE. BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT GIVES A
MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW
THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.

[scumdog]

125 Things Never To Say During Sex

85) I like your tits.


Hey, no fair, I say that to C.B all the time, No.85 rocks!! :Punk: :clap:

[HDTboy]

What if she says it to you? Still like it then?

[scumdog]

What if she says it to you? Still like it then?

Nah, she's on top and my *'moobys' look flat then so she doesn't notice them!!!

It's the hairy chest that gets her, MM-MM!!


*man-boobys = moobys.

[HDTboy]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that
man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was
very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So
she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did
not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.

"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed
up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[HDTboy]

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends

[HDTboy]

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

[HDTboy]

50 Ways To Say “I Love You”





1. “If my heart were a baked potato, I’d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.”
2. “Your terrible personality isn’t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it’s not as terrible as everyone says.”

3. “I’d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.”

4. “I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.”

5. “The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, “I’m the same way when you don’t call when you say you will.”

6. “I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn’t run screaming. So there.”

7. “Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.”

8. “Umm… like… you and me? Yeah. You and me.”

9. “You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.”

10. “You are the hole in my donut.”

11. “I am the pork, you are the beans.”

12. “You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.”

13. “You are my personal parachute.”

14. “If you were a margarita, I’d drink you by the bucket.”

15. “I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.”

16. “If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I’d lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.”

17. “I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.”

18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”

19. “You had me at ‘Stop following me’.”

20. “Your farts smell like vanilla.”

21. “We’re a two person chain gang.”

22. ““I am valedictorian of the University of You.”

23. “If you needed a kidney transplant, I’d also throw in a bonus lung.”

24. “The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.”

25. “You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.”

26. “While you’re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.”

27. “You suck! So good.”

28. “If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I’d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.”

29. “When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That’s like you.”

30. “We are totally codependent and I don’t want it any other way.”

31. “This is the “happily ever after” part of the damn fairy tale, dig?”

32. “If you were a handful of genital crabs, I’d never change my underwear.”

33. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t see other people. I’m just saying I’ll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.”

34. “I am your blank check. Don’t bounce me.”

35. “Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.”

36. “If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, I’d feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.”

37. “If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then I’d be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.”

38. “You’re such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let’s forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.”

39. “If I was smart, I’d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.”

40. “Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper… I’d also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.”

41. I wrote you a poem: “You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you’re the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I don’t get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.”

42. “I’m a grown up and just face the facts that you’re my security blanket.”

43. “You don’t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Let’s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.”

44. “Not only would I die for you, I’d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.”

45.“Look: you’re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I’ll clean my shotgun.”

46. “I’m a junky for your instant messages.”

47. “I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn’t that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.”

48. “You’re my best and only naked friend.”

49. “I’d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.”

50. “Let’s set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow… wasn’t that just like lame movie Reality Bites? You’ve never seen it? It’s awesome… in a totally stupid way.”

[JUST LOOKING]

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "sir I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "you see, its like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooooooooooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my ownso does she!

[froggyfrenchman]

hahaha! fuck, ill have to remember that one!

[Sniper]

Repost....

[Waylander]

Repost....
Was thinking the same thing. If you find me the other thread I'll merge them.

[Sniper]

Give me a minute

[MSTRS]

A pretty young blonde walks into a sperm bank, where the receptionist stops
her with "pardon me Miss, this is a DEPOSIT-ONLY sperm bank". The blonde
nods vigorously and replies "mmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm!"

A women went to her doctor complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor replied "I don't understand what you mean"
The women said "Well the first 100% you can imagine. Plus he burned his
tongue and broke his bloody finger"....

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what
happened."Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.We went
to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and
sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the
doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q. What's a man done wrong if his wife comes out of the kitchen to tell him
off?
A. Made her chain too long.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for
that.

[HDTboy]

Two gays were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.

As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.

A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt...
"Hurt... Hurt... You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

[HDTboy]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1839 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night...

[HDTboy]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That make everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[HDTboy]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it.

It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."

He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino.

The voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must.

He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."

What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"

He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

"Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-fucking-believable!"

[Fatjim]

2 cows standing on a top of hill.

1 cow says to the other: "you know, I'm really worried about this mad cow's disease going round".

Other cow says: "I'm not, I'm a duck."

[Sniper]

Fatjim, its "Im a helicopter"..... :lol:

HDT, thanks for reviving a good thread

[Beemer]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Bloody funny, the old man nearly wet himself when I told him! Brilliant, do you know any more?

[GN1NiteStnd]

No offense but....

What do you call a maori with one leg shorter than the other???







Not even oww!

[HDTboy]

A guy has a problem with his flatulence. Every time he farts it sounds like somone saying "Hondaaaah". He tries every doctor in the area, who poke and prod his bowels and associated plumbing, but none can come up with a solution.
Eventually the poor guy, baffled and confused, tries exotic medicines. Acupuncture and herbal remedies all have no effect however, until he stumbles on an ancient shop in the back of little china town. An elderly asian man looks him over, then listens as the guy drops his guts.
The asian man says "You must go to dentist, you have abcess in molar."
The guy looks at the little asian man and says "How can you tell I have dental problems from hearing my flatulence?"

The little old man replies: "Easy, abcess make the fart go honda."

[Edbear]

[QUOTE=HDTboy]50 Ways To Say “I Love You”

18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”

It's true, she does! Aren't I lucky?

[HDTboy]

guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:"If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her - but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.



Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads; "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[ducatilover]

heard it before but still great

[In The Breeze]

Calculator that you need (http://www.joke-pages.com/jokes/images/org-calc.swf) ;)

[Goblin]

---------------
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,
four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him
a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles,
from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?" Concerned that he
may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around. Then, she takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at
her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
--------------

[Goblin]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant
on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,
just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

bitch...

[HDTboy]

You have a wife? :blip:

[Goblin]

You have a wife? :blip:
:rolleyes: I wish....then I could get out on my bike more:violin:

[Hillbilly]

If you think your job stinks - read this:


Rethink your job

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS.

[Lou Girardin]

There'll be a waiting list for that job.
Do they test the oral ones the same way?

[WRT]

Do you really want to use a rectal thermometer that has been "personally tested" by someone else? Hell, do you really want to use a rectal thermometer full stop? Note that this is a retorical question, not intended to be answered by Dover (who we all know prefers to check his temperature with a toothbrush).

[placidfemme]

Do you really want to use a rectal thermometer that has been "personally tested" by someone else? Hell, do you really want to use a rectal thermometer full stop? Note that this is a retorical question, not intended to be answered by Dover (who we all know prefers to check his temperature with a toothbrush).

lol hopefully its his own toothbrush :shutup:

[The Pastor]

When it says "personally tested" it doesnt mean "used" it means that someone checks over the thermometer and make sures there is no cracks or chips in it, and quite possably does some sort of force test on it to make sure it can sustain a certian force.

[Patrick]

There'll be a waiting list for that job.
Do they test the oral ones the same way?

Rectal thermometers and Oral thermometers are the same. How do you think they get cleaned before being placed into the packet????

[vifferman]

Note that this is a retorical question...etc. etc. blah blah blah
I think you misspelted this - surely you meant "rectorical question"? :shit:

[Sniper]

Why has noone mentioned repost <_<

[Hitcher]

Why has noone mentioned repost <_<

Because we are not worthy. Hows about in future as well as saying "REPOST" you also supply the link to the alleged previous incident? That way it makes it a bit easier for us Mods to merge them...

[Sniper]

Because we are not worthy. Hows about in future as well as saying "REPOST" you also supply the link to the alleged previous incident? That way it makes it a bit easier for us Mods to merge them...

It shall be Post 277 cause Im feeling anal today (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?p=300596&highlight=Johnson+%26amp%3B#post300596)

[Patrick]

It shall be Post 277 cause Im feeling anal today (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?p=300596&highlight=Johnson+%26amp%3B#post300596)

Have a thermometer....

Instead of saying REPOST we could say... "SNIPER'...?

[Lou Girardin]

It shall be Post 277 cause Im feeling anal today (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?p=300596&highlight=Johnson+%26amp%3B#post300596)

Hey sniper..............stick it up your arse.:shit:

[marty]

When it says "personally tested" it doesnt mean "used" it means that someone checks over the thermometer and make sures there is no cracks or chips in it, and quite possably does some sort of force test on it to make sure it can sustain a certian force.


oh gee thanks RM for clearing that up for us. i wish we were all as clever as you are

[The Pastor]

Just sharing the love.

[Patrick]

When it says "personally tested" it doesnt mean "used" it means that someone checks over the thermometer and make sures there is no cracks or chips in it, and quite possably does some sort of force test on it to make sure it can sustain a certian force.

Nah, the arse ones are tested "by force" on arses... That kid who threw the boulder off the bridge should be a candidate when his boyfriends leave him alone long enough...

[Goblin]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters
restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights
would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and
she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and
the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of
applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you
like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"