Rethink your Job

[Marmoot]

Got this off the internet somewhere....

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

:thud:

[Marmoot]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

[Artifice]

rofl had me in stitches
"ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!"

[Hitcher]

1234567890

[SPORK]

1234567890
Argh, it gotx0red me! Even though I had seen it a couple of years ago

[Hitcher]

21 TIME-HONOURED TRUTHS:


1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

2. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

3. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

6. I doubt, therefore I might be.

7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

9. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. A fool and his money are soon partying.

13. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

15. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

18. If the No.2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No.2?

19. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

20. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

[Hitcher]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam".

**********

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted.

**********

A jumper-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

**********

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road"

**********

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

*********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

***********

"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green, grass of home"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you" said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

**********

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've herd this bullshit before

**********

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

**********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

**********

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the topshelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."

*********

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

*******

A man walks into doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five penises. "replies the man.

"Blimey! says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

**********

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

**********

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

[NC]

Me getting a pay rise

[ching_ching]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!


Mein Gott :eek: Heeheehee!!

[The Pastor]

This is a true story that happen to my mate and I.

We where travling to birkenhead from albany in my mates lowrider. Its a 1970 sumthing thunderbird just had a nice respray in bright red. Its got those shiny wheels that spin when you're stopped at the lights and it has (neadless to say) a bitching sound system (mines better but his is a nicer install). Craking up GUNS N ROSES we were rollin down glenfield road. My mates bit of a heavy smoker so he was having a fag, you know a ciggy. then this idiot swerves infrontof us and BAM he hits the brakes hard and i get a good taste of the dash. lucky with a few swerves we avoid an accindent and carry on rolling down the road. my mate suddleny starts to swing his arm around and swearing somthing awful. his ciggy had fallen down his sleeve and was burining his arm. i told him to stick it out the window to fling it out of cource the air + smouldering sleeve / arm set it into flames. Hes screaming out at the top of his lungs and the car is swervering all over the place out of controll. Luckly there was a coppa who saw this and managed to pull us over and put out the flames before any major damage was done. He said look I can see what happend and I understand so Im not going to charge you with careless driving running red lights drivign on wrong side of the road ect ect but theres one charge I simply cannot let you off with


My mate asked what is that?

"unlawful possesion of a firearm"



I didnt word it too well as im tired and going to bed and excited cos im getting my first bike tomorrow (hopefully)

I like it alot

[Hitcher]

The Washington Post has again published the results of its annual competition where readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.); a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.); appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.); to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.); to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.); impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.); describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.); to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.); an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.); the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.); a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.); a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.); the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before they examine you.

13. Oyster (n.); a person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n.); a Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.); the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.); the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

[Ms Piggy]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court:
Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at the time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

LASTLY

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Midnight 82]

:yeah: Q. Whats faster than lighting under water.

A. Hippy pippy on a pauafritter. :first: :crazy: :)

[Hitcher]

:yeah: Q. Whats faster than lighting under water.

A. Hippy pippy on a pauafritter. :first: :crazy: :)
This appears to have lost something in the translation from the original Aramaic?

[NotaGoth]

Q: How do you embarass an archaeologist??











A: Give them a used tampon and ask them which period it came from.

>>>>*sorry guys* <<<<

[Midnight 82]

:brick: :doobey: Three woman in a maternity hospital. The 1st woman says im having a boy because I had sex standing up.

2nd woman says shes having a girl cos she had sex lying down...

3rd woman starts to cry. The other woman say whats wrong.

She replies im having a puppy????? :brick: :banana: :bleh:

[Ms Piggy]

For all those men who say, "...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?".

Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

:devil2:

[Ms Piggy]

(These are just in time for me to start my summer job!)

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about *never*? Is *never* good for you?

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Who, me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

[RiderInBlack]

<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Kiwi said, "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64."

The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. " Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No, no, no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his Missus and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing.":killingme


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[NC]

Two jumper leads walk into a bar
Bar tenders sez
"I'll serve you, just don't start anything"

[NC]

A blonde is driving through the countryside and she sees another blonde in a field rowing a dingy.
So the blonde stops the car and walks up to the fence and leans over it and yells at the other blonde, “What the hell do you think you doing you stupid bitch?”.
The other blonde yells back “Mind your own, you fucken bitch!”
The other blonde yells back to her leaning over the fence, “If I could swim, I’d come over there and kick your arse.”

[NC]

What's brown and sticky?



A Stick :laugh:

[Hitcher]

The Irish Ministry of Works has come up with detailed specifications for the guidance of people ordering pipes:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic surrounding the hole
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (inside diameter) off all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter,) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.
5. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words “long pipe” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long pipe.
6. All pipe over 6” (152 mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
7. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want uphill, level or downhill pipe. If you use uphill pipe for
going downhill, the water will flow the wrong way.
8. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the two threads; otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed at the other end.

[scroter]

What's brown and sticky?



A Stick :laugh:


Q: whats brown and looks thru a window



A: Shit on stilts

[Hitcher]

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?


A: Dung!

[Blueblader]

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers???
(highlight below!)






Answer
Well hung!

[NC]

Q: whats brown and looks thru a window



A: Shit on stilts

:laugh:

Hitcher: LMFAO :killingme

[jase]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
> girlfriend back home.
> It read as follows:
>
> Dear Ricky,
>
> I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
> too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've
been
> gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
> I'm sorry.
> Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
>
> Love, Becky
>
>
> The Marine, with hurt feelings, thought about this for a while, and then
> started to ask his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of
> their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.
> In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all t he other
pictures
> of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
> There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
>
> Dear Becky,
> I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fuck you are.
> Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
>
> Take Care, Ricky.
>

[inlinefour]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

[bear]

Why did the irish man leave a tampon on top of his TV?

To remind him of the c*nt that stole his VCR!

[scroter]

Q: what do they call postman pat when hes not being a postman?

A: Pat

Q: why did the girl fall off the swing?

A: cause she had no arms

Q: why did the boy fall off the swing?

A: cause someone threw a fridge at him :killingme

[Kickaha]

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return! "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank you, thank you!".

So Father Christmas promises him that :-

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your
return, and she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50% and nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand
pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you says the man.

"What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After quite a brutal buggering, which made his eyes water a little,
Father Christmas asks the man how old he is?

"36" replies the man.

Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress.

[bear]

Q: How do you carstraight (sp.) a whale?

A: Send down four-skin divers.

[Storm]

Two guys are working on a bulding site. They are 16 floors up when one needs a leak. He cant be bothered going all the way down the the toilets at the bottom on the building, so his mate says, "look, I'll stand on this end of this here plank, you walk out to the end, and do your thing". So they do so. While the first guy is midway thorugh, the luch hooter rings..............and his mate steps off the plank !!
A couple of weeks later, a frenchman, a aussie and a kiwi are in a bar, talkign about which nationality is keener on women, and the lengths they go to.

The frenchman says " It ees the french! We wine them and dine them, we write love poems, and worship them"

The aussie replies, " Nah mate, its us aussies. We go out on the piss 3-4-5 times a week, spend all our pay trying to look good to score the ladies"

The kiwi replies, "thats nothing. Couple of weeks ago, I was walking past a building site, watching these two gorgeous women walk past in low cut tops, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a guy falls out of the sky, with his hand on his dick , yelling " cunt "!!!!!!!!!!

[ching_ching]

A doctor was walking around the hospital doing his rounds all the while twiddling around with a thermometer that he had placed in the space between the top part of his ear and the side of his head.
One of the nurses, having noticed this for a while suddenly questioned him, "Doctor, why on earth have you got that thermometer in your ear?"
Doctor bought it in front of his face and yelled,

"Ahh shit, some arsehole's got my pencil!!"

[Blakamin]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting and smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude!!...... how much water did you drink?!!"

[Blakamin]

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.)

We are tying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you are not recieving your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job , please see your manager.You will immediately be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list and they are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle. Employees who dont take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they dont have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any other questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING. SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).


BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
( B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[RiderInBlack]

Hotel bill Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to use this logic...........


A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have." :killingme

[Blakamin]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[badlieutenant]

(taken from vfr forums uk)

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your
hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1 . A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private,using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they
detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OutsideFamily):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2 . Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to
go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will
say
10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's
loaded and the pig's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest
tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Don't burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too

[inlinefour]

First Law of the Workshop.

Don't bother lookin' for the thing... It's not there. All things dropped in workshop situations fall into worm holes and are transported to saturn (thats what the rings are made of).

Second Law of the Workshop.

Sometimes they do get sucked back through the worm hole by the vacuum created in your wallet caused by purchasing replacement parts.

Third Law of the Workshop.

All assemblies are created of lot's of parts. There are 2 sorts of parts. Parts that you don't drop and parts you do drop. All parts you drop are made of unobtainium, the rarest element in the universe. Unobtainium is a semi naturally occuring element found only on back order. It is never available in under 6 weeks. Be careful of obtainium parts because they are either the wrong part (that you didn't need) of made of didn't-fitium.

Fourth Law of the Workshop.

The people that write the service manuals have seldom worked on a bike and if they did, it was not one like yours.

[RiderInBlack]

You have just got to love Foreign Food. Yum, Yum:laugh:

[RiderInBlack]

You have just got to love Foreign Food. Yum, Yum:laugh: But wait, there's more:shit:

[Blakamin]

Gunna stay away from those foreigners now...

[Sniper]

Gunna stay away from those foreigners now...

Hehehe, my stomach hurts like hell after reading all that. Hehehe, that was cool!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Biff]

A redhead walks into a doctors surgery complaining that whenever she touches herself it hurts.
" Touch your nose for me" asked the doctor, the redhead screamed out in pain.
"Touch your knee for me" asked the doctor, the redhead screamed again.
"Touch your cheek for me" asked the doctor, the redhead howled in pain again.
"Are you a real headhead ?" asked the doctor.
"No, I'm a natural blond", replied the redhead
"I though so," said the doctor, "you've broken your finger"

[Cajun]

A redhead walks into a doctors surgery complaining that whenever she touches herself it huts.
" Touch your nose for me" asked the doctor, the redhead screamed out in pain.
"Touch your knee for me" asked the doctor, the redhead screamed again.
"Touch your cheek for me" asked the doctor, the redhead howled in pain again.
"Are you a real headhead ?" asked the doctor.
"No, I'm a natural blond", replied the redhead
"I though so," said the doctor, "you've broken your finger"
hahahah very good

BTW welcome Biff Baff to the site

[Ghost Lemur]

Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!


mwahahahaha

bahahahahaha

thud...

[RiderInBlack]

A man moved to the city and visited a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, the Doctor tolled him that he was "fairly well" for a man of his age. A little concerned about that comment, the man asked, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The GP asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or, drink beer or wine?"

"Na" the man replyed, "Don't touch any of those."

The GP asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs?"

"Na, heard that red meat was bad for ya. " he replied.

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, play golf, sail, balloon, scuba dive, or rock climb?"

"Na"

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a motorbike, or sexually fool around?" Asks the GP.

"Na" he replies, "I an't done nothing like that."

The GP looked at the man and said, "Then why the hell do you give a stuff if you live to be 80?"

[Hitcher]

Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
[The Germans' response to the world's funniest joke]

[Storm]

Translation please :wavey:

[SPman]

Translation please :wavey:
Translation?

Sorry, it would lose all meaning!

[Biff]

hahahah very good

BTW welcome Biff Baff to the site

Thx Cajun - good to be here and nice to meet you.

[ZorsT]

Translation please :wavey:
i just plugged it into googles translator and got


Those is one Kinnerhunder and two Mackel over and is please beautifully the miracle house speak they. ' no ' speak the gentlemen ' is more borger aufern with zveitingen '

altavista says


Those is one Kinnerhunder and two Mackel over and is please beautifully the miracle house speak they. 'Nein' speak the Mr. 'Ist aufern more borger with zveitingen'

Welcome BiffBaff

[Hitcher]

I just plugged it into Google's translator
Be very careful. It's deadly. Learn the awful truth here...

http://docweasel.com/members/05/tv/01/0107killer.html

[Hitcher]

Blackjeanus mulleticus maximus


First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Melbourne Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra's outer suburbs) the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney), and the Bevan (Bribane).

It is believed the initial Melbourne population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Frankston and Dandenong. However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Footscray and further Western regions. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early '90s onwards. The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in Melbourne, and those remaining clinging to the region's outskirts. In the year 2000, the species is now officially endangered.

Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a "mullet" (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim covering on the hindlimbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles.

Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings, though the color is usually "stonewash". In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of demin to just below the genital area, resulting in a "cut-off" effect. Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called "ug-boots." While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known to congregate around regional "shopping malls", where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds.

After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known "Taverns" where they consume large amounts of a liquid called "Bourbon." There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogan population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased "cargo pants" and attempted to integrate themselves in Melbourne's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts by the Federal Government have included the development of a new artificial habitat in outer Melbourne named "Sunbury", but it seems this area may be too close to civilised air travel to attract large numbers of the species. More successful has been an enclosed breeding program in Canberra called "Summernats", which takes place annually at the National Exhibition complex in Watson. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality. Authorities recently introduced a V8 Supercar race with similar results, and have attracted Bogan elders AC/DC for a brief national visit early next year.

[MSTRS]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form as to what remedial action was taken. The pilot then reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
> > >(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
> > >(S = The solution/action taken by the engineers.)

> > >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > >S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

> > > P: Test flight Okay, except auto-land very rough.
> > >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

> > > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > >S: Something tightened in cockpit.

> > > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > >S: Live bugs on back-order.

> > > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> > >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

> > > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > >S: Evidence removed.

> > >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > >S: DME volume set to more believable level.

> > > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > >S: That's what they're there for.

> > >P: IFF inoperative.
> > >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

> > > P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> > >S: Suspect you're right.

> > >P: Number 3 engine missing.
> > >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

> > > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

> > > P: Target radar hums.
> > >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

> > >P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > >S: Cat installed.

> > >P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> > >S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Storm]

Nice :first:

[Coyote]

:killingme

[MSTRS]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[MSTRS]

I just can't help myself..............
A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got too." :puke:

[Skunk]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine
I drink I feel shamed, then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the winery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink
this wine, they might be out of work and their
dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and
let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When
they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 bottles in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we
get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wine is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention
in the history of mankind is wine. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few wines."

[vifferman]

Nice scooter advert. :whistle:

[MSTRS]

This sums things up quite nicely

[MOTOXXX]

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making

dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time

to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mum, I want a bike for my

birthday". Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten

into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he

thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of

course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman,

wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a

letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write

God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.

Your friend,
Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday.

Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was

very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to

church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny

looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He

looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the

Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,

down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door

to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began

to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
F***ING BIKE.

Signed YOU KNOW WHO

[MSTRS]

Subject: Does It Pay to Lie


At a local university, there were four sophomores
taking Chemistry and all of them had an A so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend
before finals, they decided to visit some friends and
have a big party. They had a great time, but after all
the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that
after the final, they would explain to their professor why they
missed it. They said that they visited friends but on
the way back, had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final
the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They
studied that night for the exam.

He placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem,
worth five points. Cool, they thought! Each one in
separate rooms, thought this is going to be easy. Then
turned the page. On the second page was written:


For 95 points: Which tire?

[Skunk]

Here's a little Christmas cheer from the
Australian Bureau of Statistics


*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.
*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
and finally:
*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.
Yep its great to be an Australian!
:stupid:

[Marmoot]

*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

Seriously, would it hurt you? Anyone tried it? :mellow:

[Skunk]

Seriously, would it hurt you? Anyone tried it? :mellow: :killingme :moon: :buggerd:

[Skunk]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are living in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: " Notice anything different about me ?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, " Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, " Ray, what's different ? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT IS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT IS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies,"Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.

[Skunk]

Insurance Claims...

[SPman]

Mark: Hey Bill, Man you'll never believe what happened today!
Bill Oh yeah? What Happened?
Mark: Well I was on my way to the office, and as I passed by the train tracks, I saw the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. I mean this babe had a body that wouldn't quit!
Bill Yeah, so what'd you do about it Casanova?
Mark: I pulled over, approached her, said a couple sweet nothings and next thing you know.... We're going at it!
Bill No way, you're lying...
Mark: Seriously man, I'm not kidding, I tore it up! We spent the whole day doing anything I wanted, in any way that I wanted, it was awesome.
Bill Did she give you oral?
Mark: She would have, but I couldn't find her head.

[MSTRS]

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my

college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my
pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse

was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy ironbar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is
fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
:argh:

[Marmoot]

Got this off the internet somewhere....

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, " How much?"
The Hooker replies, " It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, " $500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, " Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" " Yes." " Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" " Yes." " And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" " Yes." " Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, " I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, " What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, " I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, " $1,500."

" $1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."

The hooker replies, " Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, " Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, " How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, " Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

" Damn!" the guy says, in awe, " You own the whole city?"

" No," the hooker replies, " but I would if I had a pussy."

[Marmoot]

Top 10 Historical uses of the 'F' word...

1 - "Scattered f___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2 - "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

3 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4 - "Where did all those f___ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877

5 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

7 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

8 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in the head!" - JFK,1963

10 - "Aw c'mon. Who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997

[Marmoot]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Marmoot]

And this is the Australian New Age religion version of the Biblical Creation.
(which I'm sure a lot of youse would mind)

The Creation

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbies.
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth
Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and
prawns for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,surf , drink beer, eat and stand round the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of
opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes and Sheilas,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that
it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good,

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!!

[Marmoot]

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that son of a bitch can drive", then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, 'Damn that son of a bitch can drive', then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "My friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?

He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.

We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... 'Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!'"

He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

[RiderInBlack]

Seriously, would it hurt you? Anyone tried it? :mellow:They probably swollowed them when they were surprises by the shock.

[Skunk]

Fried Eggs...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her
husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT !

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving.

[Storm]

I see I am not the only one to suffer this particular cruel and unusual torment then.. Well done that man, I shall have to try that one next time I get a serve

[Marmoot]

that last joke on frying egg by Skunk sounds awfully like one of those queer guys on TV..... :killingme

[Skunk]

Dear Dog...

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound

For the broken lamp which you did not break;

The fish tank you did not spill;

And the carpet that you did not wet;

Or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint....

Things here at the house are calmer now,

I have no hard feelings towards you,

Best regards,

The Cat

[MSTRS]

looking for bike finance?

[MSTRS]

Just a wee feeler to see if this thread can be given a kickstart before NewYearsA mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[Skunk]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767 had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[MSTRS]

:sly: :shake: :killingme :killingme :whistle:

[avgas]

And this is the Australian New Age religion version of the Biblical Creation.
(which I'm sure a lot of youse would mind)

The Creation

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbies.
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth
Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and
prawns for barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,surf , drink beer, eat and stand round the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes.
God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of
opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes and Sheilas,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that
it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good,

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!!

Musta been in the dreamtime, while he was at yarrayarra

[Blakamin]

Musta been in the dreamtime, while he was at yarrayarra
I reckon he was spot-on!!!!!!

[Riff Raff]

This happened at a major Australian University in October last year in a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female student raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?'
'That's correct.' responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question.
'IT DOESN'T TASTE SWEET BECAUSE THE TASTE-BUDS FOR SWEETNESS ARE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AND NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.'

[Riff Raff]

Of course i luff you my tarling, you a plati top notch pird,
And when i say you're korgeous, i mean effery single word.
So your pum iss on ta pig side, i don't mind a bit of flab,
it mean tat when i holt you, tere's somefing tere to crab!
So your pelly isn't flat no more, i tell you i don't care,
so long as when i cuttle you, i can ket my arms round tere.
No kirl who iss your age, haf such nice round pretty preasts,
dey chust gave in to cravity, but i know you did your pest!
I tell you ta troof now, i neffer tell you lies,
i fink it's very sexy dat you cot timples in you fighs.
I swear on my muddah's grafe tat ta moment tat we met,
i fought dat you were as kood as i was effer konna ket.
no matter what you look like, i'll always luff you deer,
now shurrup while da rukapee's on, and ket me some plati PEER!

[Coyote]

:killingme

[Skunk]

Married Mens Mag...

[Skunk]

:sweatdrop

[Skunk]

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. :yes:

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. :yes:

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. :yes:

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" :yes:

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologise. :eyepoke:

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. :yes:

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[Skunk]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman... and your brother!

[RiderInBlack]

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=6617&stc=1
Now that's the kind of encouragement I like to see. Mmm, NZ. I wonder if it was anyone we know:msn-wink:

[Riff Raff]

Despite the degradation, I just had to post these:

[MSTRS]

. . . .

[MSTRS]

Guys - don't look

[Skunk]

During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.

"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."

"Ahh, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavour!"

[Blakamin]

During an international gynaecology conference, etc...
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Brilliant!!

[MSTRS]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:

The population of NZ 4 million. 1.5 million are retired. That leaves 2.5 million. There are 1 million in school, which leaves 1.5 million to do the work. Of this there are .25 million employed by the government, leaving 1.25 million to do the work. .1 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with doing what ever little Johnny has being told to do. Which leaves 1.15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 1.1 million people who work in unproductive jobs, and that leaves 50,000 people to do the work. At any given time there are 28,000 people in hospitals, leaving 22,000 people to do the work. Now, there are 21,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...

[Skunk]

Got to put in a message eh?

[Clockwork]

(Please don't view if nudity offends.)


1) click on the link below

2) Click on the picture, and drag it a little to the right,

or left, or

up, right .. what ever you prefer! and then drop it and watch.





http://www.mxfiles.kneib.biz/drag_and_go_back_spezial.html




ps This worked on me! :eek5:

[Clockwork]

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

[RiderInBlack]

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be :


1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him

2. Leave him in peace

[Riff Raff]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Shag him

2. Leave him in peace
:killingme :killingme

[Skunk]

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die for. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car, a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for a dinner. Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."

[Skunk]

The first time we ever made love I said 'Am I the first man that ever made love to you?'

She said, 'You could be. You look damn familiar.'

[Skunk]

:killingme :killingmeThat's not funny; it's true. Why are you laughing. :(

[Yokai]

Show up naked ....
with beer.

[Ms Piggy]

"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I
hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others
are suing McDonalds because they either burn themselves or got fat."

Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

Woman: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Lindauer for all the ugly
men I've slept with?"

:shit:

[Sniper]

Why do farts smell so bad.

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

[Skunk]

Wedding names...

[Skunk]

More... and the last.

[Jamezo]

ah, skunk, I'm in tears, rep point for that... :sunny:

[Sniper]

Hehehe, skunk, that was good

[Riff Raff]

ah, skunk, I'm in tears, rep point for that... :sunny:
Ditto - not quite ROTFL, but close!

[vifferman]

I nearly cracked a smile.

[Sniper]

cracked

Hehe you said crack :) :eek:

[Riff Raff]

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation.
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the thers, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but no, you had to go and eat the secretary!"

[vifferman]

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norsk old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norsk fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

[Coyote]

Think I've posted this before :unsure:
http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/donky-fried-chicken.jpg

[Skunk]

"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but no, you had to go and eat the secretary!" :lol: Very good!

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"I nearly laughed :shake:

:lol:

[vifferman]

I nearly laughed :shake:

Well, you did better than me, then.:blank:
I think I've lost my sense of humour somewhere....:doh:

[Yokai]

Well, you did better than me, then.:blank:
I think I've lost my sense of humour somewhere....:doh:

I've got a spare one somewhere hanging around - it's not been used very much, but it is off the wall.

[Skunk]

I've got a spare one somewhere hanging around - it's not been used very much, but it is off the wall.That would be on the floor... :shake:

[Yokai]

That would be on the floor... :shake:
Nah - usually my sense of humour is deemed to be below the belt... Or possibly in the sewer.

never yet had anyone say "Your sense of humour is on the floor" ... If they did, I'd be inclined to respond "Are you sure - I thought it was carpet... or chewing gum"
:wavey:

[Skunk]

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

"Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

[Riff Raff]

New Subway sandwich

[Riff Raff]

This koro lived alone at Ruatoria. He wanted to spade his riwai
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Hone, who used to
help him, was in Paremoremo prison. The koro wrote a letter to his
son and described his predicament.

Kia ora e Hone,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my riwai garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Arohanui
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

E Pa,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried
the BODIES.
Love Hone

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the koro received another letter from his son.

E Pa,
Go ahead and plant the riwai now. That's the best I could do under
thecircumstances.
Hone

[Riff Raff]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in laundry basket according to lights, darks, handwash etc. Walk to bathroom wearing towelling gown.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror, stick out belly, squeeze legs/bum to show cellulite and complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower and wash hair with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with added vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil and leave for 15 minutes.
Wash face with apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash
entire body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse off conditioner, shave arm pits and legs, consider shaving bikini line, but decide to get waxed instead.
Turn off shower. Spray mould spot with bath cleaner. Get out of shower.
Dry hair with towel the size of a large African country. Return to bedroom
wearing long towelling gown and towel on head. Take one and a half hours
to get dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothing while sitting on the bed and leave in pile on floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If wife sees....wave knob at her and shout "Wha Hey". Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror,scratch b*llocks, and smell fingers.
Get in shower. Wash face. Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower. Wash balls and surrounding
area.
Wash arse leaving hairs on soap. Shampoo hair and make into mohican
hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to look at self in mirror then p*ss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath as usual. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles, and look at size of knob AGAIN. Leave shower curtain open and light on.
Return to bedroom towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel and shout "Yeah Baby", thrusting pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes and pants

[Blakamin]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothing while sitting on the bed and leave in pile on floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If wife sees....wave knob at her and shout "Wha Hey". Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror,scratch b*llocks, and smell fingers.
Get in shower. Wash face. Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower. Wash balls and surrounding
area.
Wash arse leaving hairs on soap. Shampoo hair and make into mohican
hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to look at self in mirror then p*ss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath as usual. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles, and look at size of knob AGAIN. Leave shower curtain open and light on.
Return to bedroom towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel and shout "Yeah Baby", thrusting pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes and pants


HEY!!!!

my hair isn't long enuff for a mohican............

[Riff Raff]

HEY!!!!
my hair isn't long enuff for a mohican............
Then you're not a real man!

[Skunk]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

[Riff Raff]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -
3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
Amen!!!

[Riff Raff]

I HEARD HIM TRYING TO BREAK IN.

I RAN TO THE CABINET GRABBED MY AUTOMATIC,

SLAMMED THE CLIP IN AND CHAMBERED A ROUND.

I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL TO THE BACK DOOR.

I ALSO GRABBED A FLASH LIGHT.

I OPENED THE DOOR AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD.

I TIP TOED TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE

WHERE I HEARD HIM STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.

I TURNED THE CORNER AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE

I YELLED HANDS UP!!! AS HE TURNED TO FACE ME

.................

[RiderInBlack]

Hey, Riff Raff, watch out for the burgler's revenge:msn-wink:

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=6793&stc=1

[Hitcher]

New Subway sandwich
Seeing as it's an American sandwich, I'll let them off...

[SPORK]

You are so awful for posting that. I hate you! :bleh:

[SPORK]

RIB's picture, that is...

[Waylander]

Seeing as it's an American sandwich, I'll let them off...

got something against americans????? ah well good thing im not one anymore

[Redstar]

Whats Big fat and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas?


?


?








Your head..



all right I'll try better next time!

[Sniper]

New Subway sandwich

I feel nauseous and vow never ever to eat subway!!!!!

[Coyote]

Hey, Riff Raff, watch out for the burgler's revenge:msn-wink:

Awwww, its so cute :p

If someone says I'm going soft, I'll kick your arse

[Hitcher]

If someone says I'm going soft, I'll kick your ass
By use of the pitifully limp and lame American expression "ass" you have demonstrated a disturbing degree of softness.

Around here we proudly uphold the Great New Zealand Arse!

Brave Defenders of the Arse are we!


What's small, pink and wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas?







Your grandma...

[Coyote]

By use of the pitifully limp and lame American expression "ass" you have demonstrated a disturbing degree of softness.


Darn it. Did it again, been at school to long and starting to speak like....Them :eek5:

[Skunk]

Driving test:

[Blakamin]

Favourite things... jackson style
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/5367/mjs_fave_things01.swf

[Monsterbishi]

What's invisible and smells like carrots?












































...
Bunny Farts.

[Skunk]

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

[Skunk]

Take two of these and relax...

[Skunk]

Marriage anyone?

[MSTRS]

What the future holds for the couple above

[Skunk]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[MSTRS]

:banana: :wari:

[SPORK]

:banana: :wari:
For the first EVER time posted on KB!

:bleh:

[SPman]

Said the Duchess whilst pouring out tea
"I say , do you fart when you pee!"
I replied with some wit
"Do you fart when you shit!"
I think that was one up to me!

[Skunk]

:banana: :wari:Old baby photo of you?

[spudchucka]

Save the whales.

[spudchucka]

Say NO to crack!

[spudchucka]

The Mexican hangover!

[spudchucka]

What beer bellies are really for. Make sure you click on this one, he's really special.

[Waylander]

Say NO to crack!
Reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy joke:
If you see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your pants up....... you might be a redneck.

[spudchucka]

Ever have a day when you felt like this?

[What?]

Ever have a day when you felt like this?
Only on the days I go to work...

[Sniper]

What beer bellies are really for. Make sure you click on this one, he's really special.

Thats disgusting but funny

[MSTRS]

Old baby photo of you?
Nah....I think it's WINJA doing his early version of being antisocial & obnoxious

[MSTRS]

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[Sniper]

Haha, very good

[Skunk]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[MSTRS]

People were sitting in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?", Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Skunk]

THE RAISE

I the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons;

I do physicallabour,

I work at great depths,

I plunge head first into everything I do,

I do not get weekends off – or public holidays,

I work in a damp environment,

I don’t get paid overtime,

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures, and

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours truly,
Penis

*
THE REPLY

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons;

You do not work eight hours straight,

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods,

You do not always follow orders of the management team,

You do not stay in your allocated position and sometimes visit other areas,

You do not take the initiative,

You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to stay working,

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift,

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations,

Such as wearing the correct protective clothing,

You retire before you reach the age of 65,

You’re unable to work double shifts,

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed a day’s work,

And if that were not all, you have been constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious bags.

Sincerely,
The Bearded Clam

[Biff]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, which was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," She said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

[MSTRS]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive",
but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears
a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her
little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds,acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the
father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

[MSTRS]

Notes from An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice.Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f*rted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!

>Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

>Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a fcuking thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful .F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Clockwork]

A nun knocks on mother superiors door. 'Come in' says mother superior. The nun nervously enters. Yes my child says MS what can I do for you?

Nun replies 'Oh mother, I have sinned awfully'

'Oh' says MS 'you had better sit down, now tell me, how have you sinned'

'well' said the nun 'I have used the most terrible language on the golf course'

'You had better tell me about it then' said the MS

The nun started 'It was on the 7th Tee. I set the ball up, took my driver and hit the ball as sweet as could be, it was good for 250 yards. However halfway into it's flight it struck a bird and fell straight to the ground.

'And that's when you swore? enquired MS.

'No' said the nun 'a squirrel ran out of the rough and picked the ball up and ran off with it'

'And that's when you swore' enquired the MS for the 2nd time.

'No' said the nun 'An eagle flying overhead looking for it's lunch, spotted the squirrel, swooped down and picked the squirrel up with the ball still in it's mouth'

'That must have been when you swore then' said MS

'No' said the nun 'The eagle flew over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball which landed 6" from the hole'

There was a moments silence, their eyes met and the MS said 'You missed the fu*king put didn't you?

[Sniper]

Hahaha, Thats good

[Sniper]

Whats brown and Sticky
































A stick

[Skunk]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front ofhis bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," hesaid. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, andthen 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked againand squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, heheard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

[SPman]

How many women does it take to oil a motorbike chain ?









No-one knows, it has never happened !

[RiderInBlack]

How many women does it take to oil a motorbike chain ?
No-one knows, it has never happened !Now I know that you are using the wrong sex symbol. No woman would have made that statement. Excuse me while I stop standing behind you and duck behind a wall.

[Blakamin]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."



She said, "I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[Skunk]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hor d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie? ...LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F*CKING SNACKS BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[Sniper]

What do you give a blonde who has everything??






Penicillin

[Sniper]

Barry was blind. And for his birthday he got a silver coated nutmeg grater. When they asked him what he thought of his present he replied: "It was the most violent book I have ever read"

[MSTRS]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[MSTRS]

Two men are driving through Roxburgh when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Central Otago mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Wellington". The copper runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean - and gives the guy his license back.

The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks. "Just making your wish come true," replies the copper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks. "Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that shit with me!"

[Skunk]

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.That is such a sad story! :cry: Why is it on the Joke Thread?

[MSTRS]

That is such a sad story! :cry: Why is it on the Joke Thread?
Please note: All care & no responsibility. I was told that no skunks were hurt in the making of this joke. Perhaps they lied?

[Blakamin]

Every 14th of February, men get the chance to display their
fondness towards their wives, fiances and girlfriends by showering them with
gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find
romantic. The secret is ... guys feel left out. That's right...left
out.

There's no special day for the ladies to show their appreciation
for the men in their life. Men, as a whole, are either too proud or
just too embarrassed to admit it.

This is why a new special day has been created - MARCH 20th IS NOW
OFFICIALLY "STEAK & BLOW JOB DAY"

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this day has been created
so that ladies have an opportunity to show their man just how much they
love him. No cards, no flowers and no special nights on the town - the
name of the day explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blow Job Day will
usher in a new age of love, as men everywhere will try THAT much
harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual
love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling.

So, spread the word and count the days to March 20.
Pencil this date into your diaries AND SPREAD THE WORD!

[Slipstream]

This is why a new special day has been created - MARCH 20th IS NOW
OFFICIALLY "STEAK & BLOW JOB DAY"

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blow Job Day will
usher in a new age of love, as men everywhere will try THAT much
harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual
love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling.

So, spread the word and count the days to March 20.
Pencil this date into your diaries AND SPREAD THE WORD!


Hmmm, so you are basically saying, tit for tat right?

Ok (to some of the) ladies. We should give the guys the same response to this day as they do for Valentines.

Pretend we've forgotten what day it is and go on as per every other normal day of the week :p

[jrandom]

Hmmm, so you are basically saying, tit for tat right?

Look, if it worked THAT way, *every* guy would be getting a tat...

[Slipstream]

Look, if it worked THAT way, *every* guy would be getting a tat...

Not if they got a tat of their X's name :p

[White trash]

Pretend we've forgotten what day it is and go on as per every other normal day of the week :p

Yeah? Well?

Valentines takes it in the arse! It is just like every other day of the week because it IS just another day of the week.

[Slipstream]

Yeah? Well?

Valentines takes it in the arse! It is just like every other day of the week because it IS just another day of the week.

I actually agree with you on this...I think My birthday is the only day worth celebrating...Oh wait....I don't do that either...By process of elimination that makes every day worth celebrating :D


PARTY ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TonyB]

Was emailed this this morning. Maybe it's been round the world 50 times, but shit it made me laugh...

YOU ALL MUST READ BEFORE YOU OPEN THE PICTURE.
Don't you just love it when teachers' good intentions go amuck!!! An elementary school class started a class project to make a planter to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students were given green ware pottery planters in the shape of a clown which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun. They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home...the cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

[Sniper]

Hahaha, I fell off my chair

[White trash]

Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife gives birth to their first child. After a long labour the doctor comes out and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy. The man is overjoyed, and rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the child. Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can do to help. Sensing that the dad wants to share in the occasion the midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door.
After a few minutes the midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on. She jumps back in dismay when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has two fingers firmly lodged up the infant's nose and is dragging the child through the water in figure-of-eights. "Good God!" she shouts.
"That's not how to bathe a new-born!" "It bloody well is," the man replies, "when the water's this hot."

[vifferman]

Corpse springs to life in hearse, terrifies populace. (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/050223/482/carf10802230014&e=7)

[ktulu]

haha, very witty vifferman,

Helen clark, Michael cullen and Tama iti jump off a cliff....

Who wins????

















Society

[vifferman]

haha, very witty vifferman
Unfortunately, much as I'd like to say I came up with it, I actually stole it from James Lileks' The Bleat. :confused:

[Sniper]

Corpse springs to life in hearse, terrifies populace. (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/050223/482/carf10802230014&e=7)

Hahaha, fell off the chair again

[Skunk]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Welsh coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[figjam]

http://www.dod.no/cgi-bin/squidtest

[HDTboy]

A bloke walks into a bar with his 2 mates and his sister. after a few drinks and a few hours of playing the pokies they decide its time to leave, the place was getting pretty empty anyway.

just as they are about to leave, the sister exclaims that she needs to use the bathroom, so while she heads to the little girls room, the boys start heading off to the car...

waiting around for about 20min they start to worry, they know girls take long in the bathroom, but this was rediculous... so the brother decides to head back inside. he arives back outside 5 min later, as white as a ghost... his mates ask whats happened...

"She's still inside... on top of the bar, tied up, and the bartender's got his head between her legs!"

"shit man! that's illegal! he can't get away with shit like that!"

"Let's sue the bastard for everything he's worth!"

the next month at the arranged court date, the procceding lasts all of 15min, with all charges desmissed...

Turns out the barman has a liquor liscence....

[HDTboy]

Mr & Mrs Nosey had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love he always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw he was holding a battery-operated pleasure
device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

Nosey looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids...

[HDTboy]

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day their gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

[HDTboy]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

[HDTboy]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[HDTboy]

This guy wanted to go out and get pissed with his mates but his wife wouldn't let him.
He pleaded with her but her responce was "remember what happened last time, you spewed all over yourself and ruined a perfectly good shirt."

After about 15 mins of begging she finally allowed him to go but insisted that if he ruined his shirt there would be hell to pay.
So off he went and met up with his mates at the local pub. About 5 hours of solid drinking went by and the man found himself spewing on his shirt yet again.

He was freaking out "my wife is going to kill me" he kept saying. One of his mates came up to him and said "I know exactly what to do in this situation. All you have to do is walk in the door with a $20 note in your hand, when your wife goes nuts tell her that some drunk yobbo spewed on ya and gave you the $20 for dry cleaning."

With this in mind the man headed home $20 note in hand. He walked through the front door only to be greated by his wife. "You stupid idiot, I told you what would happen if you ruined another shirt." "Relax" says the man. "Some drunk idiot at the pub spewed on me and gave me $20 to get it cleaned" (holding up the $20 note). To which the wife replies "fair enough, but whats the other $20 for?" The man then replies "ahh, that was from the guy that crapped in my pants."

[HDTboy]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

[HDTboy]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

[HDTboy]

WHO SAID MEN ARE NOT SENSITIVE?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[HDTboy]

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it!!"

[HDTboy]

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.

[HDTboy]

Ten Marriage Quips

Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and
lightning.

Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.

Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.

Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding,
economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one
husband.

Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

[HDTboy]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[HDTboy]

Bill Clinton died and went to Heaven. God tells him "Bill, you can choose where you want to spend eternity. I give you a choice of 3 Rooms." Clinton opened the door to the first room and looked in horror at Hillary with a large knife and her friend Lorena Bobbit. He quickly slammed the door and said, "God, this is horrible. What have you got for me in the 2nd room?" God took him to the 2nd room and Clinton opened the door to see Saddam Hussein raping Al Gore with his 9-inch cock. "God, I really think I deserve better than this," Clinton complained. God took him to the 3rd room. Clinton opened the door to see Newt Gingrich sitting in a chair getting his cock sucked by Monica Lewinski. Brightening, Clinton exlaimed like a schoolboy, "I'll take this room, God." "OK," God boomed, "Monica, you may go."

[HDTboy]

The Amish Hand Warmer: An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

[HDTboy]

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[HDTboy]

A baby polar bear turns to it's mother and says

"mum, am i really a polar bear?"

"of-course dear, your white... and your a bear, so of-course your a polar bear"

a few moments later...

"hey mum, quick question, am i really a polar bear?"

"i just told you your a polar bear... now eat your salmon..."

a short time later...

"hey mum... am i REALLY a polar bear?"

"For the love of god your a polar bear, IM a polar bear, your FATHER is a polar bear, and your SISTER is a polar bear... why do you keep bloody asking!!!"

"CAUSE IM FUCKING FREEZING!!!"

[HDTboy]

An old lady died and went to heaven. She was chatting it up with
Saint Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she heard the most
awful blood curdling scream.

"Don't worry about that," said St. Peter, "it's only someone
having holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looked a little uncomfortable but carried on with
her conversation. Ten minutes later, there were more blood curdling
screams.

"Oh my God", said the old lady - "now what's happening?"

"No worries," said St. Peter, "she's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," said the woman, "I'm leaving and going to
hell."

"You can't go there," said St. Peter. "You'll be raped and
sodomized."

"Maybe so, said the old lady.............but I've already got the
holes for that.

[HDTboy]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

[HDTboy]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still, nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it, in shaky handwriting, were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted

[HDTboy]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and
sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

[HDTboy]

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[HDTboy]

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, “Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!” The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again.

“Yeah baby! Shake those things.” Our friend turned around and said,

“Hey buddy, calm down!”

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, “Oh baby! You're almost there!” Our friend again turned around and said, “Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!” A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, “Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?” The guy responded, “It's on your back, dude.”

[HDTboy]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, “John what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It's either screw or swim!’ She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!”

The next day, Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, “What are you happy about today, John?”

“Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It's either screw or swim!’ She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin’ over a beer. Dave says, “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin’' my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said, ‘It's either screw or swim!’ She pulled down her pants and..... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick, Dave, and I CAN'T SWIM!”

[HDTboy]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[HDTboy]

midget walks into a condom store and goes to the counter and asks for the biggest huge ass massive oversized condom there is

guy behind the counter looks down and laughs but gives the midget this condom

midget proceeds to the fitting rooms and slips the condom over his whole body

coming out of the fitting rooms the guy behind the counter gives him a strange look

midget comes upto the counter and says to the guy behind the counter, "what do i look like to you"

guy behind the counter says, "a big dick"

midget goes, "YES!!!! im sick of people calling me a little cunt"

[HDTboy]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[HDTboy]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[HDTboy]

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[HDTboy]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

[HDTboy]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...

[HDTboy]

Little Johnny is shopping with his mum in Target. While his mum is looking at some clothes he decides to lift up one of the mannequin's dresses. As he is doing this his mum slaps him across the side of the head and says "don't you ever stick your hands up a girl's dress, they've got teeth up there and will bite your bloody fingers off!".
This traumatises little Johnny right up to his teenage years.
Anyway, he has been seeing this girl for a while and one night they are passionately kissing each other.
The girl stops and says "You know Johnny, we've been seeing each other for quite a while and you've never been interested in going down below. Why?".
Little Johnny replies "well thats cause you've got teeth down there and you'll bite my fingers off".
The girl says "bullshit, who told you that rubbish?".
"My mum told me", says Johnny "and she's never wrong".
The argument goes back and forth for some time until the girl screams "LOOK, I'LL PROVE THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT..." and she proceeds to rip her knickers off and folds her legs behind her head "LOOK, THERE ARE NO TEETH DOWN THERE!!!".
Little Johnny puts his chin in his hand, has a good look and then says "Well no wonder you haven't got any teeth, look at the state of your gums".

[HDTboy]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

[Waylander]

Tryin to up your post count mate? lol.

[HDTboy]

THE DIVIDING WALL



One day the maddame of a brothel calls a carpenter to do some work at her establishment. When he arrives she takes him upstairs and explains that she needs a dividing wall put in to make one of her large rooms into 2 smaller rooms.

So the carpenter sets about the work, it takes him all day and when he is finally finished he goes back downstairs to tell the maddame that he is finished and to sort out payment.

She then explains to the carpenter that they always pay people by means of services performed by the ladies that work at the brothel. The carpenter then explains that he is a happily married man and would prefer the $1500 for the job.

The maddame keeps on insisting that he can have any woman in the whole place, or even 2 or 3, or perhaps you would like twins she says, thats every mans fantasy isn't it??

The carpenter goes quiet for a moment as he thinks about the situation. Finally he says to the maddame, alright, I'll take your offer but I want you. The maddame replies that she only manages the establishment and does not perform any of the services.

The carpenter then reminds her that she said he could have any woman he wanted, so she agrees and they head up stairs. Once in the room he tells her to drop her pants. So she does and he promptly sticks is thumb in her ass and his index finger into her pussy.

The carpenter then says with a big smile on his face " GIVE ME MY $1500 OR I"LL RIP OUT YOUR DIVIDING WALL!!"

[Marmoot]

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:

5th place (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure-skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

[MSTRS]

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Ork - Lund", not "JAFATOWN."

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Auckland has its own
version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Auckland. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down the motorway....."

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic
Drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour
is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, abused
and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to
five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any
cross-traffic's way.

7. K' Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Ork-Lunder.

8. Construction on motorways & other main streets in peak Traffic is a way
of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in !!!."

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.

11. All old ladies with coloured hair in a crappy car have total right-of-way.

12. The minimum acceptable speed on Motorway is 120 kph. Anything less is
considered downright sissy.

13. The wrought iron on windows in North Shore is NOT ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. THIS IS
NOT A JOKE EITHER (Refer to the New Road Rage rules)

15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 100 km in a 100 km zone,
people are not waving when they go by.

16. The Auckland Harbour Bridge road is our daily version of NASCAR.

17. If it's 25 degrees, Xmas must be next weekend.

18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Auckland city.

19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a motorway, just
follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is
how Auckland residents notify Trans & Govt Depts where exits should have
been built.

20. You must get as close as possible to the car in front of you, or you may
not see the finger in time
some people have a bumper sticker *Horn Broken, Watch For Finger*.

[HDTboy]

There is no escaping it, is there, these soccer players are an
intelligent bunch of blokes ;-)))

'My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league.'
Mark Viduka

'We lost because we didn't win.'
Ronaldo

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day.'
Neville Southall

'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.'
Ronnie Whelan

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
was out there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had.'
David Beckham

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life and
hopefully after that as well.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'
Stan Collymore

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough.'
Jonathan Woodgate

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right.'
Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
Ian Rush

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 Internationals
out there today.'
Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock.'
Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet.'
David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more
European.'
Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas

'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'
Graeme Le Saux

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it
worked.'
Richard Rufus

' There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in
between.'
Gary Lineker

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry

[What?]

Merely providing amusing tales for the people
Fair enough - but a shame that most of them have been posted here before...

[HDTboy]

I read thru the thread and posted the ones I didn't think I'd seen in it. sorry if I was wrong

[MSTRS]

'salrite. I hadn't seen them before & that's all that matters.
This is an oldie but someone won't have seen it before.....

Little Paula was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Paula? "My
goldfish died," replied Paula tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him." The neighbour was concerned,"I am so sorry for your
loss but that seems to be an awfully big hole for a little tiny
goldfish, isn't it?" Paula nicely patted down the last heap of earth on
the grave then replied, "That's because he's inside your f---ing cat."

[MSTRS]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this
from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At
the register the chemist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The chemist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The chemist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[HDTboy]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[pyrocam]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

me too.



edit:
and 1 to record the lightbulb insertion with his video camera for the good of the community