Packin' the sads

[Big Dave]

We had our dog put down today. His eyes had gone and so had his hips and it was time - but I miss the old shitbag hassling me for my apple core right now.
Someone tell me a good joke.

[Patch]

Ohh that sucks the big one, feel for ya bro. Hope ya feel bit better soon.

[Zed]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Sorry about your dog mate...will you be getting another one?

[Big Dave]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Sorry about your dog mate...will you be getting another one?

That worked. And not straight away. Jnr has a cool puppy - I'll play with that and he can pick up the t*rds in a neat case or parental payback.

[Skyryder]

The Village People were wondering where the band 'MCA' got their name, (didn't know it stood for McDonald's Chef Assistants'.
So they sung 'Why MCA?'

BD It's the only village People joke I could find. I think the real joke is that it's like their music. :rofl: :rofl:


Skyryder

[Mental Trousers]

Sorry to hear about your dog. I've had a few put to sleep and it's hard every single time.

Not a joke as such but this should make you laugh (probably a repost but meh)

[Sensei]

Had to put my Rodesion Ridge back Mastiff down after 14ys Fucken cryed ! . Took it home in my top pocket when i got him he was that small . Miss my mate still . Have a Staffy Bullterryer now she is Kool & very protective of my boys which is great . Feel for your lose Dave .

[Biff]

Sorry to hear that BD.

I had to have my donkey put down last week. He had three legs. His name was Wonkey. He lived in an unstable. We bought him a piano and he used to play it dressed like a pimp. He was a honky tonky plinky plonky wonkey donkey.

Old jokes are the best.

[Big Dave]

Sorry to hear that BD.

I had to have my donkey put down last week. He had three legs. His name was Wonkey. He lived in an unstable. We bought him a piano and he used to play it dressed like a pimp. He was a honky tonky plinky plonky wonkey donkey.

Old jokes are the best.

Aye - and I'm now chucking you dick.

[Big Dave]

Had to put my Rodesion Ridge back Mastiff down after 14ys Fucken cryed ! . Took it home in my top pocket when i got him he was that small . Miss my mate still . Have a Staffy Bullterryer now she is Kool & very protective of my boys which is great . Feel for your lose Dave .

Thanks - I'm right. Meloncholy over till I go to chuck it some scraps or something - Smiling at some of these twits now.

[Big Dave]

Sorry to hear about your dog. I've had a few put to sleep and it's hard every single time.

Not a joke as such but this should make you laugh (probably a repost but meh)


I think that's the sort of crack idb likes!

[Big Dave]

The Village People were wondering where the band 'MCA' got their name, (didn't know it stood for McDonald's Chef Assistants'.
So they sung 'Why MCA?'

BD It's the only village People joke I could find. I think the real joke is that it's like their music. :rofl: :rofl:


Skyryder

Did you see the one who plays the cop got send down for narcotics recently?

True story - I got a life long friend back in NSW - Calvin - stand up comic and MC on the sports celebrity speaking circuit - been a pro for 30 years.

He does big road tours with strippers or other comics and about 10 years ago MC'd a Village People national tour - cabaret show etc.

Reckons he walked into the dressing room on more than one occasion and found them having group sex - just with each other.

'In the navy.....'

[Smokin]

It's a bloody tough decision to make buddy but deep down we always know it's also one of the kindest things you can do for a loved pet. Still hurts me now putting my best mate down 15 years ago for the same reason.

[Big Dave]

It's a bloody tough decision to make buddy but deep down we always know it's also one of the kindest things you can do for a loved pet. Still hurts me now putting my best mate down 15 years ago for the same reason.

Yeah - he was getting stuck on the stairs and stuff. it was time. thanks.

[The Pastor]

I hope you don't take this in bad taste or whatever LOL

A woman brought a very limp Cocker Spaniel to the veterinarian. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The dog is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the dog's owner looked on in amazement, the Labrador stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead Cocker from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet petted the Labrador Retriever, took him out of the room, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the limp Cocker from head to tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook his head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, your dog is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The dog's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" she cried. "$250 just to tell me my dog is dead?!!"

(OK, now the punch line)

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[gijoe1313]

Ahh sorry to hear about your dog, our families been through two already (both died of old age - one had to be put down, the other we found lying peacefully on the grass near his favourite spot :crybaby:). Both buried on family property so they remain close.

One was a golden Labrador (Wong), the other a real mutt - crossbreed between a german sherperd and ... something else! (Lucky). Was a few years but now my younger brother has gotten the next family dog (Oxford) a Samoyed.

Its sad to hear when your pet (who is like another family member) goes to that great kennel in the sky, but at least you knew him for the time you had each other. :love:

IF I SHOULD GROW FRAIL

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain does keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done
For this - the last battle - can't be won.

You will be sad I understand
But don't let grief then stay your hand.
For on this day, more than the rest
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end.
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must now be you
Who has to decide this thing to do.
We've been so close - we two- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

(author unknown)

Bugger. I was meant to cheer you up! :doh:

[Big Dave]

Ahh sorry to hear about your dog, our families been through two already (both died of old age - one had to be put down, the other we found lying peacefully on the grass near his favourite spot :crybaby:). Both buried on family property so they remain close.

One was a golden Labrador (Wong), the other a real mutt - crossbreed between a german sherperd and ... something else! (Lucky). Was a few years but now my younger brother has gotten the next family dog (Oxford) a Samoyed.

Its sad to hear when your pet (who is like another family member) goes to that great kennel in the sky, but at least you knew him for the time you had each other. :love:

IF I SHOULD GROW FRAIL

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain does keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done
For this - the last battle - can't be won.

You will be sad I understand
But don't let grief then stay your hand.
For on this day, more than the rest
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end.
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must now be you
Who has to decide this thing to do.
We've been so close - we two- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

(author unknown)

Bugger. I was meant to cheer you up! :doh:

Pretty good anyway.
He didn't have much trouble sleepin' - it was the stairs that had him f***ed. Couldn't see 'em any more.

[andrea]

hey sorry to hear bout ur doggy buddy, umm lets see if i can find acouple jokes for ya

42462

[andrea]

this is an old one

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
>>Elmo toys.
>>The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
>>hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first
>>day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>>The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
>>door.
>>The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
>>employee.
>>He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
>>backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>>The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
>>the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
>>When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle
>>Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
>>to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by
>>mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
>>She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
>>The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
>>wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
>>package between Elmo's legs.
>>The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
>>After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
>>approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep
>>a straight face,
>>"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
>>yesterday..."
>>"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
>>
>

[andrea]

A beautiful young Auckland woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is,” replied the captain. "This is the Devonport Ferry."

[andrea]

hmm this one is abit dry but its ok i guess

A man in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves
onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm
sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you
out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie. "Today is my first day on the
job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

[andrea]

Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kinds.

But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

[andrea]

k i hope the jokes weren't that bad :innocent: weather sux and i might take off on another cruise um i think

[98tls]

sorry for your loss BD....time heals all mate and he will always hold a place in your heart eh...alot of people dont get another for awhile but when my old fella died i came across another pretty quick and it worked for me...nothing like a dopey puppy bouncing around to cheer you up.....

[SuperDave]

Sorry to hear that man.

[SwanTiger]

Bugger Dave. We're (well really my GF, after my constant nagging) getting rid of (selling) two pomeranians if you want a new dog! Right up your alley :nya:

[Beemer]

We're going to have to do that for the husband's old cat soon - he is about 15 and although he still wanders for miles over the neighbouring farmland, he is getting very thin and hardly eats anything now. He wheezes terribly too, sounds like an old man with emphysema at times! Just when we think "yes, he's about to kark it", he comes in all spry and happy!

Animals, where would we be without them? Sorry to hear of your loss, and get a new one when you feel like it - not that you ever forget the old ones.

[Beemer]

Bugger Dave. We're (well really my GF, after my constant nagging) getting rid of (selling) two pomeranians if you want a new dog! Right up your alley :nya:

Ooh, I should think that the last thing Dave needs right now is a little yapping thing up his alley... oo err!

[Al]

Sorry to hear about your mate, Dave, our move to NZ and now to OZ has made us have the following rules: NO POOL, NO PETS, NO GARDEN... Helps when we want to go away for a weekend!
We are now owners of 40 acres of NT farm.... dunno 'bout animals now...?

Al

[Mooch]

We had our dog put down today. His eyes had gone and so had his hips and it was time - but I miss the old shitbag hassling me for my apple core right now.
Someone tell me a good joke.

Poorly named websites
1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it...is

www.whorepresents.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net
--------------------------------------------------------------
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company...

www.powergenitalia.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

www.ipanywhere.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church.Their website is

www.cummingfirst.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website:

www.speedofart.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at

www.gotahoe.com

[Big Dave]

^^^ Thank you all very much. ^^^
I had a great day - rode around the coromandel.
Unfortunately rode past the Vets a km from home :(

All good now.
This morning I was thinking 'puppy'. tonight I'm thinking 'monitored alarm systems don't get fleas or excrete'.

Appreciate your kind thoughts. Thanks again.

[The_Dover]

^^^ Thank you all very much. ^^^
I had a great day - rode around the coromandel.
Unfortunately rode past the Vets a km from home :(

All good now.
This morning I was thinking 'puppy'. tonight I'm thinking 'monitored alarm systems don't get fleas or excrete'.

Appreciate your kind thoughts. Thanks again.

Fuck Dave, if you ever want to remind yourself what a pain in the arse a puppy is then come to my place.

He's a little bastard and you're free to 'borrow' him whenever!

[Big Dave]

Fuck Dave, if you ever want to remind yourself what a pain in the arse a puppy is then come to my place.

He's a little bastard and you're free to 'borrow' him whenever!

Ahh yeahs - take yer point - thanks but no thanks.

Upper cuts self administered. Hard pills swallowed. Room of mirrors for a long hard look entered.

[Big Dave]

Hahahahahaha

[WRT]

Sorry to hear about your loss BD.

On your way back from the Coro Loop yesterday did you stop in Kawakawa Bay? I was going thru there heading back over the hill to Orere Pt, and saw a group of bikes outside the dairy. Think I saw you on the seaward side of the road? Was on a bit of a mission so didnt pull over to find out for sure.

[Big Dave]

Sorry to hear about your loss BD.

On your way back from the Coro Loop yesterday did you stop in Kawakawa Bay? I was going thru there heading back over the hill to Orere Pt, and saw a group of bikes outside the dairy. Think I saw you on the seaward side of the road? Was on a bit of a mission so didnt pull over to find out for sure.

Guilty as charged m'laird.

[Maha]

Is the smile coming back BD?.....sorry to read about your recent loss..
You may have heard this one but im gonna spell it out anyway....:2thumbsup
A polish immigrant apply's for a NZ drivers license, first he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ..
''Can you read this?'' the optician asked
''Read it?'' the polish guy replied, ''i know the guy''.....:killingme

[Big Dave]

Is the smile coming back BD?.....sorry to read about your recent loss..
You may have heard this one but im gonna spell it out anyway....:2thumbsup
A polish immigrant apply's for a NZ drivers license, first he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ..
''Can you read this?'' the optician asked
''Read it?'' the polish guy replied, ''i know the guy''.....:killingme

nice!
Do you know about Alexander Graham Kowalski?

[Maha]

nice!
Do you know about Alexander Graham Kowalski?

Wasnt he the ''Dear John'' guy on those BASF tape add's in 70's?........:whistle:

[Big Dave]

Wasnt he the ''Dear John'' guy on those BASF tape add's in 70's?........:whistle:

Invented the telephone Pole. :banana:

[Maha]

Invented the telephone Pole. :banana:

Have to get up early to keep up with your SOH aye?.....thought you were telling me a aload of PD, but no...nice one mate....:lol:

[Big Dave]

Have to get up early to keep up with your SOH

It's a quantity over quality thing.