Child-safe jokes

[BuFfY]

I am teaching year 5's at the moment (9 year olds) and we are doing a 'habit of mind' called 'finding humour'. SO I was wondering if anyone has any jokes that I could share with children, I am looking through the site but there are hundreds of joke pages!!

[Indiana_Jones]

A Jew and a German........

hmmmmm let me think.

how do you weigh a whale?

At the whale-wiegh Station!

HAW HAW!

:P

-Indy

[Colapop]

Um.... I thought ... and then I thought some more.... Then my head hurt so I went and had a beer and lay down...

[Gremlin]

Um.... I thought ... and then I thought some more.... Then my head hurt so I went and had a beer and lay down...
that has to be the worst joke I have heard... :no:

Use google... tis good like that, http://www.jokeemail.com/childrens.htm

[Colapop]

No joke - that's what happened.... my head hurts, better have another beer.

[MattRSK]

History + a joke works.

What is the difference between a niger and a tyre?


A tyre doesn't sing when you put chains on it!

[Jonathan]

History + a joke works.

What is the difference between a niger and a tyre?




Only one is a republic?

[MattRSK]

lol yeah ok you win!

[Jonathan]

How about this one (popular back when I was around 9):

Timmy: Miss, can I please go to the toilet?

Teacher: Only after you recite your alphabet Timmy

Timmy: But...

Teacher: I'm waiting Timmy!

Timmy: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Teacher: Where's the "P"?

Timmy: Running down my leg...

[Colapop]

Why did the banana go to the doctors?

Because he wasn't peeling too well.

[Jonathan]

Why did the banana go to the doctors?

Because he wasn't peeling too well.

Oh, that reminds me - heard these at Flight of the Concords a couple of years back:

What do you give a sick pig?

Oinkment


What do you give a sick bird?

Tweatment

[Coyote]

What did the prosti... no, that's not safe

[MSTRS]

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Sellotape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least £800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[MSTRS]

And this one is just naughty enough for 9/10 year olds

God was just about done creating humans. But he had two parts left over.
He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might as well ask them what they wanted to do.
He told them that one of the left-over parts would enable the possessor to pee whilst standing up.
“It’s a very handy thing,” said God. “I was wondering which of you would like it”
Well…Adam jumped up and down and begged. “Oh please can I? It’s sounds wonderful, I’d love to be able to do that. It sounds just the sort of thing a man should have. Please oh please can I have it???” On and on like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted it so badly then he should have it.
So God said “Fair enough” and Adam got the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited that he ran around peeing on rocks, writing his name in the sand, trying to hit flies and then to see how far away he could hit a tree stump. All the while laughing with delight.
Eve and God watched him with amusement for a bit, then God said “Well Eve, I guess you are stuck with the other left-over part”
Eve asked what it was…..
“Brains” said God

[DEMONICST8]

There were two sausages sitting in a frying pan and the first sausage said to the second sausage "its getting hot in here" and the second sausage said "wow, a talking sausage"

That still cracks my son up and he's 10

[DEMONICST8]

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me something smells

[Sniper]

Whats green and smells like pork... Nope

Why did the leper leave the party....Nope again

Why did the tampon.... Definetly not.

Sorry cant help you there

[dnos]

what did the fish say when it swam into a wall.

Dam

[Damon]

whats big and yellow and doesn't float down the waikato? - a bulldozer

[Cookie]

Q. Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

A. Where you left it.

[McJim]

Q. What's the difference between an apple and a banana?
A. An orange can't drive a tractor.

Q. What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A. A woolly Jumper.

Q. What's the difference between a chicken?
A. One of it's legs is both the same.

Q. What's the difference between a loaf of bread and an elephant?
A. Well I won't send you to buy me a loaf of bread - you might come back with an elephant!

Q. How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
A. He has the letter E on his pyjamas.

Q. Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A. So they can hide upside down in custard.
Q. Have you ever found an elephant hiding upside down in custard?
A. Shows you it works then.

[ManDownUnder]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
A ranch slider!

[McJim]

What ticks on the wall?

'ticky paper!

[judecatmad]

What do you call a fly with no legs?
A walk

Man 1: my dog has no nose
Man 2: how does he smell?
Man 1: terrible!

[Laava]

Whats pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underpants? Your mother!

[ninjac]

Q. What type of monkey can fly?
A. A hot air baboon.

I'll get my coat.

[Maha]

Q....Whats red and shaped like a Bucket ??

A.... A red Bucket......:yes:


Grab my coat to will ya ninjac?

[ninjac]

Q. What goes OOOOooooooo?
A. A cow with no lips.

[Maha]

Q. What goes OOOOooooooo?
A. A cow with no lips.

Thats gotta be the best yet......no question.........:killingme

[ninjac]

Q. How do you circumcise a whale?
A. With 4 skin divers.

I went to the Opticians, I said I cant see very far, he took me outside, pointed and said "what's that?"
I replied "the sun"
He said "how far do you want to bloody see!"

Q. What's red and sits in a tree?
A. A sanitary owl!

Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A. A scrotum pole.

Q. What's red and smells like blue paint?
A. Red paint.

[ceebie13]

Oooh.... they are beginning to get near the mark now. OK lets go overboard.

Q. Whats pink and wrinkly and smells of ginger?
A. Fred Astair's willy

Q. What's the definition of "confusion"?
A. 20 blind lesbians in a fish market

Q. Why do Gypsies have crystal balls?
A. So they can see themselves coming.

Then there's the thoughts of Confuscious:
Confuscious he say:
" Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day"
" If man with erection walk sideways through door he obviously going to
Bangkok"

Thank you... and goodnight!

[MisterD]

Where do Policemen live?
999 Letsbe Avenue. (yes, I know, but that's what it was when I was 10 in England)

and I can't believe we haven't even started to mine the rich vein of knock-knock jokes...

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you'll see!

[ceebie13]

doh... started a joke here.Meant to put in new thread .Sorry

[judecatmad]

What do pigs use to make themselves better?

Oinkment!

[Indiana_Jones]

*repost or not, I can't be smeged looking:P*

The teacher asked Billy to look out the window, "See the 7 birds on the power line, Billy? If I shot one off, how many would there be?". Billy replied "None miss, the others would all fly away", "While I don't agree with your answer, I like your thinking"

Later on that day, in the park, Billy bumped into his teacher, where he pointed to three women eating popsicle's on a bench, one was licking her popiscle, one sucking on her's and the last one biting hers.
Billy asked his teacher, "which one is married?"; His teacher thought for a while and then said, "the one sucking her popsicle"

"No, miss; The one with the wedding ring on her finger, But I like your thinking"

-Indy

[MSTRS]

and I can't believe we haven't even started to mine the rich vein of knock-knock jokes...


My favourite...the Irish one
You start....

[hXc]

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh! I know one! Pick me!


Me: "Ask me if I'm an orange tree."
You: "Are you an orange tree?"



Me: "No."

[hXc]

My favourite...the Irish one
You start....
Knock knock

[MSTRS]

Knock knock

Fuck off. We're closed.

[pixc]

Fuck off. We're closed.

bahahahaaaa

[BuFfY]

*repost or not, I can't be smeged looking:P*

The teacher asked Billy to look out the window, "See the 7 birds on the power line, Billy? If I shot one off, how many would there be?". Billy replied "None miss, the others would all fly away", "While I don't agree with your answer, I like your thinking"

Later on that day, in the park, Billy bumped into his teacher, where he pointed to three women eating popsicle's on a bench, one was licking her popiscle, one sucking on her's and the last one biting hers.
Billy asked his teacher, "which one is married?"; His teacher thought for a while and then said, "the one sucking her popsicle"

"No, miss; The one with the wedding ring on her finger, But I like your thinking"

-Indy


Kids wont get that!!!!!!! It is DIRTY

[kevfromcoro]

wots big round an black and f....ks hedgehogs??? .............a firestone raidial

[avgas]

whats big and yellow and doesn't float down the waikato? - a bulldozer

Ah yes, the transit NZ induction manual.
Its like this out of the Downers Tunneling guide (Cromwell 1990) :
What doesn't make a good boat for the lake?
90 ton truck....
good times

[Maha]

A duck walks into a bar and asks....
Duck...''got any bread''?
Bar tender...''No''
Duck..''got any bread''?
Bar tender...''No''!
Duck... ''got any bread''?
Bar tender...''NO''!!!
Duck...''got any bread''?
Bar tender...'' if you ask me one more time, im going nail your beak to the bar''
Duck....''Got any nails''?
Bar tender.... ''no''
Duck....''got any bread''....

[Deviant Esq]

Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. A newspaper

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. To get to the bottom

Knock knock
- Who's there?
Nicholas
- Nicholas who?
Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees (yes they should! :corn:)