When relationships go wrong - what should we do?

[_Gina_]

Opinions on this situation greatly appreciated....

Firstly:
THE BACKGROUND:

One Saturday evening about three months ago, Stify's brother and my best friend were at our house for a BBQ and drinks.
As the night went by they became quite interested in each other and subsequently slept in the same room, in the same bed that evening.
Stify and I both thought the situation was (to quote Stify) "Icky", but being good sorts and all, chose not to pass any comment at all, I mean they are both over 35.

A relationship started and within about 6 weeks there were differences that were causing friction between them and they decided to cool it off.

Then within two weeks of that, they had decided they could both compromise on their own differences, and in a radical move, thought they should move in together.

To make a long drawn out load of bollocks shorter, the inevitable happened within about three weeks and it was all over.

She was a "Nut sack, bad drunk, who takes her previous bad relationship experiences out on me and needs to get her issues and head sorted" and he was "Totally oblivious idiot who doesn't know how to allow other people to have their opinion, and who needs anger management classes"

THE PROBLEM

They chose to cohabitate for two weeks while each waited for their new place to live to become available. This did not go very well.

One evening after a "discussion", she took her frustration out on him by hitting him (girly style) 20 odd times, he stood and took it and then walked away and hit a wall in frustration.

Not long after this another "discussion" took place. He is adament that she was going for the wine bottle so he took evasive action and pushed her away. She kept coming back (adament she wasn't going for the bottle) he pushed her away the forth time and she tripped on the mat and donked her ankle on the coffee table causing swelling etc.

At this point she decided to call the police. They recommended Male assault female. She laid the charges. She tresspassed him from the rental property (with all of his belongings in the house and nowhere to move to).

I spoke with her in depth about the charge and why she won't drop the charge is because she wants to make his life uncomfortable as she says he did hers (the ankle) and because he will have to do an anger management course (which she believes he needs, so he can learn that he can't push people around).

OUR PROBLEM

Do we either:

Try to reason with her and get her to drop the charge and deal with this situation like an adult, y'know, like take responsibilty for her actions which play a half share in the event which led to the events. Then they can just build a bridge and get on with their lives...
OR
Tell her that if he is charged and/or whatever else, that she is no longer welcome in our home and our friendship is over.

Any/all thoughts genuinely appreciated.

GG & Stify

[ArcherWC]

you need to take a giant leap backwards from this one and let them sort it, or you will end up loseing friends

[sAsLEX]

They recommended Male assault female.


Sorry slightly off topic.

Is there a charge Female assaults male? And what is Common Assault?

Why is there this sexist law? In a nation that prides itself on not being so?

I mean sure females are overall slightly smaller and weaker than males, bet then there allot of males in the same situation compared to other guys? Should it not be based upon physical ability differences rather than tits and balls?

[_Gina_]

you need to take a giant leap backwards from this one and let them sort it, or you will end up loseing friends
But that is the problem though....

If he is charged then the friendship is over. He will have a conviction against him and both of them are responsible for the situation. They are both as bad as each other......

Just doesn't seem fair.

[FROSTY]

honest opinion here--jjust stay out of the whole sorry mess

[Karma]

Where's the option for 'none of your business' ?

[_Gina_]

What if shes right?
About what part of it? She assaulted him the previous weekend....should he counter charge her?

[u4ea]

unfortunatly this world is full of SPINNERS!!this so called female (opting not to say ...POG,SLAPPER,WENCH,FREAK,MAGGOT,ASS END OF A DONKEY)...is just manipulating the situation to her end..i only hope she doesnt take ownership of his belongings and do something aweful to them...............eeeeeek.............
bloody hell.....who wouldve thought a one night shag wouldve ended up in a eternal struggle of wits !!!!
what have we learned from this.....hmmmmm
keep it in ya pants......NAH.thats boring..............but crikey dick........just forget her name and think with with the other head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love from aunty u4ea:msn-wink:

[_Gina_]

My issue is that I will lose a valued friendship, she is someone that I can bounce stuff off and I would rather not lose that.

Then there is the "family" aspect. Sides, BBQ's, gatherings etc.......

??

[vamr]

Heard a similar anecdote a year or so ago.

The dilemma was resolved with "punch her in the face 3 times and tell her to stop being such a fucking drama queen".

I love kiwiana.

[u4ea]

Heard a similar anecdote a year or so ago.

The dilemma was resolved with "punch her in the face 3 times and tell her to stop being such a fucking drama queen".

I love kiwiana.

oh yer..............:yes:
what sort of a freind plays victim just because her feelings are hurt ????sounds a bit plastic to me........i wouldnt be sharing too much with her.....shes a commellion........watch ya back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[McJim]

It all seems too late now - blokes take heed - when a woman thumps you call the cops on her arse immediately and have the bitch charged - pre-emptive strike.

No one should be allowed to hit anyone - man or woman - as I've said it's too late now. If you do nothing you betray the bloke, if you take the female to task and tell her she's not welcome you've lost her friendship so you need to take stock.

Whose friendship do you value more?

Remember that by not getting involved you are effectively kicking the bloke in the teeth so you're stuck in there whether you like it or not now.

I don't envy you but only you can make the decision.

[NighthawkNZ]

First of all he has every right to lay charges against her... (for the 20 as you put girly hits) she has no right what so ever to do this...

She seems to need to go to anger management more than him (but both may need to go... errr seperately ;) )... Its not just a guy thing... I know of many cases (and one was a personal friend, who use to get hit on the head with the frying pan and he did nothing as head would have been seen him beating her when in reality it was the other way round.) where the female abuses the male and male does nothing due to fact if he does it hurts his pride or hes no man enough...

I have told all my G/fs in the past if you start swinging at me (for what ever reason) you will get one free hit/shot...(so make it count) after that it becomes self defense. Luckily I will admit I have never been in a relationship that even remotely been like that I have been lucky... not only that Im too easy going...

Personally I would try and talk her to drop the charges . They both need to go to anger management and maybe AA or something... and then let them sort it out, tell them to simply go there seperate ways.

As for friendships well if they are both still your friends after this then they are friends not aquantenses

[Big Dog]

I've been assualted a few times by females. Cops didn't care, they thought it was funny.
Stay out of it.
In my experience you try to influence her she will be more stubborn about it.

[_Gina_]

It Whose friendship do you value more?

As I said, for Stify, it's simple, Family is family.
For me, I have seen first hand how they both have behaved towards each other and she has definitely not helped and I would agree that she is not a good drunk and does react in an adverse way which would wind the best of us up.
I had just not seen this displayed towards me, ever.
Also, Stifys brother is my family too.

I am the "negotiator type". I would like the best possible outcome really....just need to know how to get it....

[u4ea]

I've been assualted a few times by females. Cops didn't care, they thought it was funny.
Stay out of it.
In my experience you try to influence her she will be more stubborn about it.

so why do these women all wanna beat you up??????are you a prize prick or something????????.......common dukes up...........:dodge:

[Blondini]

I dont think you have an option I believe the police take it further because too many Domestic incidents end in death these days and people withdrew assault charges in the past after they had sobered up or calmed down,but a line had to be drawn....A good lawyer will be needed .Not good but here comes life lesson number 88585879437080090270997587809-9094787686556y367566787777777777777777777777777777 7777777777:yes:ANd IF you are not being loved and uplifted then you are in an abusive relationship,,,Life is tooooooo short ..Get real help and be prepared for a long long road of battles but you both have to have the same directions Love overcomes all obstacles but man sometimes you have to fight harder than anything and sometimes you have to walk away and know you did the best you could.

[NighthawkNZ]

comes life lesson number 88585879437080090270997587809-9094787686556y367566787777777777777777777777777777 7777777777:yes:


I thouth it was lesson number 88585879437080090270997587809-9094787686556y367566787777777777777777777777777777 7777777776
then agai I could be wrong ;)

[Blondini]

I thouth it was lesson number 88585879437080090270997587809-9094787686556y367566787777777777777777777777777777 7777777776
then agai I could be wrong ;)

Thats funny how long did it take to copy me :love: Bling

[NighthawkNZ]

Thats funny how long did it take to copy me :love: Bling

Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V are a wonderfull thing ;)

[Blondini]

I've been assualted a few times by females. Cops didn't care, they thought it was funny.
Stay out of it.
In my experience you try to influence her she will be more stubborn about it.

Yeah This sucks and happens more than we are aware , Hmmmm I love you babe so all good when I smack ya one...hmmmmWhere did all the love go people...My partner jeremy only realised what I was going on about while he was literally dying..I Believe you should love the people you love with all your heart and that they should always know you love them and hey If you think that is too extreme ... well heck all the ones you love could be gone in the very next BREATH ,you can never love someone too much.You can never make it up when they are gone .Make sure that the ones you love know you do I dont think you can hug your friends enough or the ones you love.Ahhh some wisdom from my head.....And get a motorbike to help clear the head and to keep life real:love:

[Disco Dan]

I've been assualted a few times by females. Cops didn't care, they thought it was funny.
Stay out of it.
In my experience you try to influence her she will be more stubborn about it.

Same here, my ex used to give me a whack when she did not get her way. I just took it. One day I got sick of it... told her if she ever did it again I would lay charges, not interested in being involved with someone abusive... she threw a major tanty and told me she was not abusive... were not together anymore...

Women use the laws too their own ends, taking advantage of every situation to make their lives and their opinions more valid to themselves. Yes this is a wide sweeping judgement, but this is constructed from my life experience...

As many have said... back away. You will no-doubt be placed in a situation where you have to 'take sides'. Thats when you will lose firendships. Let them sort it out themselves, but let them know your not abandoning them; rather giving them space, so when this is all over you can still salvage the friendships.

I hope this helps, and I hope things work out!

Dont forget to look after #1 first

[Big Dog]

so why do these women all wanna beat you up??????are you a prize prick or something????????.......common dukes up...........:dodge:
Usually after they just lost a battle of words, both of them knew I would not hit a woman and proceeded to resort to the last resort.
One of them was several times one was once.
Even with blood freely flowing from my face cops don't want to know or they ask how hard I hit her.....

[iwilde]

Stay out of that one ane let them sort their own shit out. At the end of the day if a female hits you, who cares. By size and strength alone we know in our own head that it's a no contest so act like a man and brush it off. I would feel like a complete pussy to call the police and cry about a girl slapping me!

[Big Dog]

Stay out of that one ane let them sort their own shit out. At the end of the day if a female hits you, who cares. By size and strength alone we know in our own head that it's a no contest so act like a man and brush it off. I would feel like a complete pussy to call the police and cry about a girl slapping me!

You clearly have never been hit with a cast iron frying pan for being late home from work, fists on the other hand I can live with.
I can tell you the last time I hit someone in anger was 20 years ago.
In the course of my old job as a bouncer I Jabbed a few loons to bring them back to reality (fright not hurt). Most I got out with my wits and some smooth talking, some I had to overpower first. A few good wrestling moves make this easier.

[iwilde]

You clearly have never been hit with a cast iron frying pan for being late home from work, fists on the other hand I can live with.
I can tell you the last time I hit someone in anger was 20 years ago.
In the course of my old job as a bouncer I Jabbed a few loons to bring them back to reality (fright not hurt). Most I got out with my wits and some smooth talking, some I had to overpower first. A few good wrestling moves make this easier.

No, but got hit over the head with a 600ml beer bottle. Looked her straight in the eyes and laughed at her, that scared her more than if I got angry. Next day her shit was on the lawn.

[SlashWylde]

I know of a woman who made up charges of child abuse to get out of a relationship with a friend of mine and to seize control of their house and assets. He was completely innocent of all charges but as a result of all this he and the rest of his family no longer are able to have contact with his children.

This is the sort of game some women will play, they will use the system against the former man in their lives for their own ends, regardless of the consequences.

Tell her to pull her head in and withdraw the charges or the friendship is over.

[pixc]

I agree with you SlashWylde..there are some people out there that abuse the laws. I know of 2 simular tales of women abusing the system and ruining peoples lives.However I unfortuanately know first hand how the system can get you out of nasty spots.

This doesnt sound like a serious case of domestic abuse to me. The pair of them should cut their losses and move forward in life. From the info provided...I feel badly for them both and for you..tuff spot. Try diverting her attention to something else maybe. If she stews on the situation it might make it worse. If she is preoccupied with something else for a moment...she might come to her senses. If it was me..I would try tactfully to make her see sense.

[elle-f]

I agree, the laws are archaeic however the question asked is *What should we do?*...the answer is, that has been given - is nothing. There is ZILCH you can do about this. If you get her to drop the charges she is going to be pissed off about it. If she drops the charges and he goes on to hit another woman, or push her, then you will have some moral responsibility. You have two sides of the story but you guys didnt actually see what happened and we all know that when people are pissed off or angry and retell an event - the truth is sometimes marred.

It's just best to be there to listen to them both because they are your friends, but don't offer opinions and whatever you do - don't nod when they are talking as they will take that as an affirmation!! *I learned that lesson a while back!*.

It's a hard situation you guys are in for sure, but the more you get wrapped up in it, the harder for you two it will become and you will definately lose them as mates anyhow.

Good luck for whatever you decide :)

[The_Dover]

have you got any good shit you can blackmail her with?

I hate this sexist shit. If bitches want equality then it's got be equality.

But in his shoes, if he's gonna end up wearing the charge i'd give her a fuckin hiding to make it worth it.

Fuck all you macho, romantic CHAUVANIST pricks. I don't agree with violence against anyone (except maybe gaylander and desperate dan, possible gaymeboy) and using some pathetic law that will always be enforced, by thick as shit cops "oooh, charge him he has a penis and it will cover our arses", to ruin someones life for not having ovaries is a major injustice.

Like speedie said, there are plenty of weedy men like boomer out there. Why should they be victims of big hairy arse lezzers like the PM? don't we ALL suffer enough cos of that he-bitch?

[Lou Girardin]

Run Forrest, run like the wind.

[elle-f]

Fuck all you macho, romantic CHAUVANIST pricks. I don't agree with violence against anyone (except maybe gaylander and desperate dan, possible gaymeboy) ....

:laugh: bloody HELL LMFAO!

[_Gina_]

Cause I left out that the Police (in conjunction with her) did drop the charge from Male Assault Female to Assault.

What I haven't mentioned which does have some bearing on the situation is that her background, in terms of relationships, is not good. She has been a victim in one way shape or form in every relationship that she has ever been in. Basically she views herself as a victim and to be honest a couple of the relationships she has been in the position to have charged the person for Male Assault Female many times over, but never did!

He has never been in this type of situation in a relationship before.

It does appear that she is manifesting her inaction/s in past relationships to Stify's brother and this situation.

We have seen on many ocassions how things progress between them and it is clear that they are both as bad as each other in their relationship, but in different ways.

A criminal conviction just doesn't seem right for the situation.

[Squeak the Rat]

Sounds like she's fucked in the head and any guy that deals with her will be given a reason to lose his rag. She will nag, hit, threaten, manipulate until her beliefs that men are shit and that her relationships always end in tears are affirmed.

I've met a few women like this in my time, some friends, all of who I've decided it's safer to say to walk away. If you confront them they will once again be the victim and then you'll be on the receiving end of some manipulative revenge.

My choice: tell her the friendship is over because of what she's done. She can choose to continue or not.

I feel for the poor bastard.

[Ghost Lemur]

No offence girlygirl but I blame you for this situation. You knew what she was like, and yet you stood by and did nothing as he got involved with her. Of course when she discovered that he wasn't the type she goes for (scumbag) she was going to push him and push him in order to try and turn him into one. She's succeeded enough to make herself feel like a victim (obviously what she wants) and potential fuck up his life.

Best thing you can do is get rid of her. If you can do it in such a way that minimises the damage to him more the better, you owe him at least that.

[Lias]

See attached..

[imdying]

Your mate is going down, that's the way of these things.

If he's going to do the time, he might as well do the crime. Tie that bitch face down to a bed, bit the pillow styles, and rape her arse every 45 minutes till someone notices she's gone.

She won't be making any more spurious claims after that.

[Hitcher]

Don't get involved in this sad, sorry and sordid mess. It's a bad reality television script. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

[ManDownUnder]

About what part of it? She assaulted him the previous weekend....should he counter charge her?

In short I think the answer to this is that the truth be told. It seems to me no-ones mentioning that wee issue of her hitting him and going for a weapon.

Don't take sides, but offer up the truth. He's fine to charge her with the full knowledge that you're there with corroborating testimony that will back up a common assault charge against her, and quite possibly get him off the hook (from previous actions... i.e. him taking out his rage on a wall.. and not her... those are the actions of someone not so far out of control)

My sinlge most important pieces of advice.
Don't take sides - and tell them you are not going to
Tell the truth (it's actually part of the don't take sides thing if you think about it)

You can remain friends afterwards. Be there for her help her get the help she needs, but right now they have this mess to sort.

Violence is never acceptable, Male on Female or vice versa. Lying to cover up violence makes the liar party to it. Don't do it.

[Colapop]

If she is that good a friend then you should be able to show what you've written and let her make uo her mind. Unfortunately she wants him to "feel the way she felt" and she doean't want to feel good about things so I can't any good coming from this. Tell her that you value your friendship with her but that you can't take sides.

[The_Dover]

If she is that good a friend then you should be able to show what you've written and let her make uo her mind. Unfortunately she wants him to "feel the way she felt" and she doean't want to feel good about things so I can't any good coming from this. Tell her that you value your friendship with her but that you can't take sides.

Show her what I've written too and tell her she needs a good hiding.

[Colapop]

You could turn her, you know that Dover? I bet you're the one guy who could make her a good woman.

[Hitcher]

I think that the poster has received a wide range of advice.

Before this discussion gets completely silly, the thread has been closed.