Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)
5th February 2007, 13:15
>> The bank manager thought it amusing enough
>> to have it published in the New York Times.
>>
>> Dear Sir:
>>
>> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
>> with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
>>
>> By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed
>> Between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
>> of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
>> to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check,
>> an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
>>
>> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
>> of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way
>> of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
>>
>> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
>> has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
>>
>> I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
>> and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
>> the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
>> which your bank has become.
>>
>> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
>> a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
>> will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
>> but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally
>> and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
>> must nominate.
>>
>> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
>> person
>> to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
>> Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
>>
>> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
>> as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
>> there is no alternative.
>>
>> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
>> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
>> of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities)
>> must be accompanied by documented proof.
>>
>> In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
>> which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
>>
>> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
>> I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me
>> to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
>> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
>>
>> Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me,
>> press buttons as follows:
>>
>>
>> 1 - To make an appointment to see me.
>> 2 - To query a missing payment.
>> 3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>> 4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>> 5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>> nature.
>> 6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>> 7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access
>> my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you
>> at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
>> 8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
>> 9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
>> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
>>
>> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
>> will play for the duration of the call.
>>
>> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
>> an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
>>
>> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.
>>
>> Your Humble Client
>>
>> (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
>> to have it published in the New York Times.
>>
>> Dear Sir:
>>
>> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
>> with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
>>
>> By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed
>> Between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
>> of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
>> to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check,
>> an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
>>
>> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
>> of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way
>> of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
>>
>> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
>> has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
>>
>> I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
>> and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
>> the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
>> which your bank has become.
>>
>> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
>> a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
>> will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
>> but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally
>> and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
>> must nominate.
>>
>> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
>> person
>> to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
>> Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
>>
>> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
>> as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
>> there is no alternative.
>>
>> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
>> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
>> of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities)
>> must be accompanied by documented proof.
>>
>> In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
>> which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
>>
>> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
>> I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me
>> to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
>> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
>>
>> Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me,
>> press buttons as follows:
>>
>>
>> 1 - To make an appointment to see me.
>> 2 - To query a missing payment.
>> 3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>> 4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>> 5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>> nature.
>> 6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>> 7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access
>> my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you
>> at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
>> 8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
>> 9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
>> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
>>
>> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
>> will play for the duration of the call.
>>
>> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
>> an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
>>
>> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.
>>
>> Your Humble Client
>>
>> (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)