A mightily important poll

[jrandom]

Righto, folks, after someone recently commented to me on some research that was done regarding this question I find myself compelled to put it to the Gentle Readers.

Respond away, and feel free to start a heated debate on the merits of the options presented. If you can come up with any options I missed, then, well, you're a sick puppy.

[wkid_one]

What if you have a Bidet?

[jrandom]

What if you have a Bidet?

Poll enlightenment will come only when you realise the truth.

There *is* no bidet.

[tuscan]

I didn't even know scrunch was an option... :moon:

[scumdog]

You can't scrunch when using bush-lawyer leaves as you might get one of the spikey bits you-know-where, pays to fold carefully. :crazy:

[Cynic]

You can't scrunch when using bush-lawyer leaves as you might get one of the spikey bits you-know-where, pays to fold carefully. :crazy:

Is sanitation technology a wee bit behind the times down south is it ? :laugh:

[Hitcher]

Poll enlightenment will come only when you realise the truth.

There *is* no bidet.
You still da man!

[Ms Piggy]

Definitely a scruncher! :pinch:

[Skyryder]

Going by the quality of Bog paper these days it's all a matter of luck. :Oops:

Reminds me of an answer I saw on a forum not so long ago ago. Seems this female wanted to reduce her grocerey bill and wanted some advice. Someone suggested that she go flat with some guys.

And since I have bought this thread down into the pits might as well go the whole hog (apol. to the HD riders here), what do the females do?

Skyryder

[k14]

Yeah, another interesting one i heard is that some people stand up to wipe. Never heard of that before. Maybe another poll could be put up. I've always sat down to wipe. It was quite funny actually. The people that always stand up to wipe have never heard/though of sitting down and vice versa.

Ive always folded.

[Al]

I must be strange (oh yeah!), scrunch AND stand for me....
:shake:

[Posh Tourer :P]

Definitely a scrunch and stand man.... You just cant get in there with a good fistfull of paper while sitting...


You can't scrunch when using bush-lawyer leaves as you might get one of the spikey bits you-know-where, pays to fold carefully. :crazy:

What the hell are you using bush-lawyer leaves for?? Thats just plain sadistic!!! Can't you southerners grow rangiora?

[Hitcher]

Yeah, another interesting one i heard is that some people stand up to wipe.
And then there are those sitters who lift one cheek and wipe from the side, as opposed to those who attack from the front... (not that I have made a detailed study of said)

[wkid_one]

You are kidding that you stand to wipe yeah?

Maybe Toilet Paper should come with directions (like Tampons) - would it read like this:


Stand and face the toilet
Remove 4-5 sections of bog roll
Place one leg on cistern
Scrunch or Fold paper to suit
Wipe Arse
Dispose of Paper in toilet
Repeat steps 2 through 6 until sphincter is suitable clean

[Hitcher]

Repeat steps 2 through 6 until sphincter is suitable clean
[/list]
"Sphincter and hinterland" hopefully?

[KATWYN]

Hand (left and right)-

BTW where do you buy toilet paper?

[Hitcher]

Hand (left and right)-

BTW where do you buy toilet paper?
Left and right, or left or right? (so many choices!)

And I would have thought that like beer, you can't buy toilet paper, you can only rent it...

[KATWYN]

Left and right, or left or right? (so many choices!)



Haha Hitcher.

Hey that brings me to a topic about hand shakes, if I
knew how to do a poll I would do one on hand shakes
* goes and starts new thread *

[Ghost Lemur]

Folder all the way. And stay seated til bum is suffiecently clean that poo wont spread from check to check.

[scumdog]

Grip seat on both side VERY firmly, strain and rev up until there's a roaring noise in your ears, the veins are like purple electrical cord on your neck and you see sparks in your (frrmly shut) eyes, just when you feel you're about to pass out dtop the clutch and give a mighty rebel yell (scream if your from the North) and let rip.
Result? The whole shebang will evacuate from your bowels at warp factor 3, (and unless you've prepared a layer of "anti-splash" you'll get wet nether regions) it will swoop rownd the bend and out of sight (don't want to have to look at that shit eh!) and you will need the minumum of bush-lawyer leaves which should keep the greenies happy.
Northern yuppies that use that white stuff that comes in rolls - "toilet tissue" I believe? will notice there is tons left at the end of the week to use for better jobs like wiping dipsticks and neutralising shaving cuts (like Norman Gunston). :blink:

[wkid_one]

The is singularly the most disgusting thread we have had - BRAVO!

[V Twin Raver]

Definitely a scrunch and stand man.... You just cant get in there with a good fistfull of paper while sitting...

You people have got me in stitches reading some of this...........however.......in the method described above, what happens in the instance of a 'clingon'. You stand and your butt cheeks close up on it, or worse, it breaks loose upon dismount and lands on the floor???? I can see there being too much potential for disaster with this method.

Sorry for the resultant visualisations of my inquiry. :spudwhat:

[wkid_one]

You people have got me in stitches reading some of this...........however.......in the method described above, what happens in the instance of a 'clingon'. You stand and your butt cheeks close up on it, or worse, it breaks loose upon dismount and lands on the floor???? I can see there being too much potential for disaster with this method.

Sorry for the resultant visualisations of my inquiry. :spudwhat:
I didn't think it through that much? The extrapolate the idea - what if you Dehli Belly - you would risk it running in to your loafers! - or worse you could get some back of the sack action occuring?

Women apparently have to be very careful with the back to front wiping action (for the very obvious frontal access point proximity - yet I believe in the study - most men attacked the problem from the front - only reverting to the rear to make sure things were truly clean.

[Skyryder]

You are kidding that you stand to wipe yeah?

Maybe Toilet Paper should come with directions (like Tampons) - would it read like this:


Stand and face the toilet
Remove 4-5 sections of bog roll
Place one leg on cistern
Scrunch or Fold paper to suit
Wipe Arse
Dispose of Paper in toilet
Repeat steps 2 through 6 until sphincter is suitable clean


I just peed me self. :angry2: :angry2: No more Wikid please.

Skyryder

[jrandom]

The is singularly the most disgusting thread we have had - BRAVO!

(takes a bow)

[Skyryder]

What the hell are you using bush-lawyer leaves for?? Thats just plain sadistic!!! Can't you southerners grow rangiora?

Nope. Try Datura leaves. Gives your arse a halucogenic high.

Skyryder

[scumdog]

Nope. Try Datura leaves. Gives your arse a halucogenic high.

Skyryder

Just what this world needs - another arsehole strung out on drugs :eek:

[Firefight]

Just what this world needs - another arsehole strung out on drugs :eek:


please no more :killingme :killingme :killingme :killingme :killingme

this is too much


you guys are crack ups, opps , did I say that.

F/F :crazy:

[scumdog]

Is sanitation technology a wee bit behind the times down south is it ? :laugh:

You mean there's OTHER ways?

Don't worry about the wee bit behind - get the folding wrong and it's a bleeding behind you'll have!

[Hitcher]

You mean there's OTHER ways?

Don't worry about the wee bit behind - get the folding wrong and it's a bleeding behind you'll have!
You only get paper cuts if you use those glossy magazines... Something else to make your piles bleed...

[Racey Rider]

- most men attacked the problem from the front -

Thats Crap! Surely? :bs:

Surely your <-B would get in the way too much? :crazy:
Or is that just mine!? :whistle:

[MrMelon]

I bet the people who scrunch wipe back to front too :o

[babyB]

this thread is a crack up :shake: but what about this...


You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your pants, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. :wait:

[scumdog]

this thread is a crack up :shake: but what about this...


You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your pants, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. :wait:

Argh!Haven't you heard of bush-lawyer leaves? or at a pinch you could unravel the cardboard tube and use it as loo paper? hard times call for hard solutions - and the ain't much harder than card board toilet-roll loo paper. :wacko:

[Racey Rider]

at a pinch you could unravel the cardboard tube and use it as loo paper? hard times call for hard solutions - and the ain't much harder than card board toilet-roll loo paper. :wacko:

You can dip the cardboard into the toilet water to soften it a bit before use.

Apparently.

So I heard.

Not that I've tried it myself!

[Ghost Lemur]

this thread is a crack up :shake: but what about this...


You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your pants, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. :wait:


That leads me to an intesting question I've been thinking about over the past couple of weeks.

On more than one occasion the Better Half has called out to me to bring her a new roll. Now what I don't understand is how difficult is it to look over at the toilet roll before sitting down to see if there is enough paper there to accomplish the task required, if not go get some before starting. Personally this is the way I do things and have never been in that position. Is it a girl thing (coz you always sit down)? Or are there guys who don't bother checking first either? What happens if you in a public toilet then?

I just don't get it... half a seconds glance can save so much hassle.

[Milky]

Place one leg on cistern

Practicing yoga at the same time i assume? it would give you good access i guess... much easier for us non gymnasts if you place a leg on the seat instead ;)
Meself i am a sit and fold man... I cant imagine scrunching - what happens if you dont scrunch effectively? Then you have to wipe a hell of a lot more :msn-wink:

[Kwaka-Kid]

I kid you not i laughed at this and thought ahhh how silly... expecting to see 100% scrunchers? ive never asked the question but wholey crap im the minority?! Are people taking the piss?.. reminds me of the whole shake or dab question... Please dont tell me people honestly dab too? Im serious thats just whacked! Dudes that actually fold.. thats like for the queen or queers isnt it?

[Skyryder]

It's not how you use the roll but how you hang it. Some hang the roll so the tag is at the back and some hang the roll so the tag is in the front. Now depending on the positioning of the tag will determine if you turn the roll forwards or backwards so that the tage hangs where you can find it.

So your stuck on the crapper in the middle of the night and you're turning the roll trying to find the tag to finish the buisness when you realize that someones put a new roll and the tag is not where you can find it. Gives a whole new meaning to the word Bummer.

Skyryder

[Grumpy]

I never realised so much thought had to go into the business end of a session in the crapper .

Here I was thinking it was just a bit of quiet time with a magazine or newspaper... :spudwhat:

Very funny thread guys :first:

[scumdog]

I kid you not i laughed at this and thought ahhh how silly... expecting to see 100% scrunchers? ive never asked the question but wholey crap im the minority?! Are people taking the piss?.. reminds me of the whole shake or dab question... Please dont tell me people honestly dab too? Im serious thats just whacked! Dudes that actually fold.. thats like for the queen or queers isnt it?

Folding is ESSENTIAL when using bush-lawyer leaves - one go at scrunching will convince you :argh:

It's a matter of "insurance" with paper, fold it properly and you KNOW you have at least two (or if rich) three layers before you're in the shit, with scrunching it's a gamble - plus my Scots blood cringes at the waste with scrunching. :laugh:

[toads]

Definitely a scruncher! :pinch:

me too csl, we definately have a lot in common!, I would also like to add, that I am 100% into 2 or more ply, single ply is for the incredibly tight and somewhat daring folk.

[Posh Tourer :P]

me too csl, we definately have a lot in common!, I would also like to add, that I am 100% into 2 or more ply, single ply is for the incredibly tight and somewhat daring folk.

I just use twice as much when it is single ply.... no real saving for the tight...

Also, preference of tag hanging over or under depends on the position of the roll relative to the seat... Under when it is close and high up, over when it is low down or a long way away....

[wkid_one]

Now here is another question - do you prefer the bog roll on or off the hanger? Personally I prefer the bog roll free from any dispensing device - just personal preference that annoys the hell out of my partner!

[k14]

Nah, always use it off the hanger. Alot easier to fold up nicely then, lol. Probably depends if you are a scruncher or folder as to weather you like to roll it off the hanger or scrunch it up off your hand.

[Posh Tourer :P]

You people have got me in stitches reading some of this...........however.......in the method described above, what happens in the instance of a 'clingon'. You stand and your butt cheeks close up on it, or worse, it breaks loose upon dismount and lands on the floor???? I can see there being too much potential for disaster with this method.

Sorry for the resultant visualisations of my inquiry. :spudwhat:

Well obviously one doesnt stand up straight, more a half-stand.... Helps keep the cheeks open, and reduces the chances of a breaking loose into the gruds

[greenhorn]

I'm a folder.
While on the topic, has anyone had the pleasure of using the good ole asian style toilet? You know the ceramic floor with a hole in the ground?
I was waiting in Kaula Lumpur airport one day, the old airport. Found myself choking a darkie and could not hold on. Wandered around looking for the bog, followed my nose and found the appropriate place to shed a few pounds.
Open the door and here is the ceramic tiled floor with a hole in the middle. The hole is surrounded by a mix of substance which raises the question of why bother with a hole in the floor in the first place. Tip toe through the mine field and stradle the hole. With much difficulty i remove my trou trying not to get them covered in crap and piss which is all over the floor. Have thoughts about waiting to board the plane but, this is just such a pressing need i cannot. Hang my pants on a hook on the wall. Drop the undies and carefully squat with them round my ankles being carefull to keep them from touching the floor. This is no mean feat for a not so flexible 6ft 5 125kg guy. Balancing is difficult. It takes real skill to lean at just the right angle, arms outstreched to imporve balance, look straight ahead and.... grunt.
More grunting. Its a snake. No, more of an anaconda if you know what i mean, one of those ones which if done in a normal toilet hits the water in the bowl before it breaks off.
Any way I can feel it has finally broken all ties with my self and I'm curious as to why there is no splash? How deep is this hole in the ground? Cautiously, still balanced, i look down and see i have safely laid the hugest grogan delicately and precisely cradled in my underpants.

[Posh Tourer :P]

:lol: :killingme:

[V Twin Raver]

Cautiously, still balanced, i look down and see i have safely laid the hugest grogan delicately and precisely cradled in my underpants.

Which brings me to my next point - the 'Bent Chassis Phenomena'. My mate alluded me to this phenomena one new years day whilst we were discussing the 'next morning poo' aka 'the lager poo' aka 'the hangover poo' aka the 'rum & coke poo'. Those are different stories which I am sure somebody else can elaborate on - wkid?

Anyway - 'Bent Chassis Phenomena'. My mate reckons he has a bent chassis but I told him that I don't think he is alone. He says, no matter how he prpepares himself to conduct the bizzo, he always ends up marking the side of the bowl. He has gone to great lengths (excuse the pun) to centre himslf on the seat yet STILL ends up with a bowl side swipe. This is a great conversation when you are heavily hung over after a New years bash. Needless to say I think a few people suffer from this 'Bent Chassis'.

[Posh Tourer :P]

Anyway - 'Bent Chassis Phenomena'. My mate reckons he has a bent chassis but I told him that I don't think he is alone. He says, no matter how he prpepares himself to conduct the bizzo, he always ends up marking the side of the bowl. He has gone to great lengths (excuse the pun) to centre himslf on the seat yet STILL ends up with a bowl side swipe. This is a great conversation when you are heavily hung over after a New years bash. Needless to say I think a few people suffer from this 'Bent Chassis'.

Could that be a result of unbalanced bum-fluff causing more drag on one side?
:D

[scumdog]

Which brings me to my next point - the 'Bent Chassis Phenomena'. My mate alluded me to this phenomena one new years day whilst we were discussing the 'next morning poo' aka 'the lager poo' aka 'the hangover poo' aka the 'rum & coke poo'. Those are different stories which I am sure somebody else can elaborate on - wkid?

Anyway - 'Bent Chassis Phenomena'. My mate reckons he has a bent chassis but I told him that I don't think he is alone. He says, no matter how he prpepares himself to conduct the bizzo, he always ends up marking the side of the bowl. He has gone to great lengths (excuse the pun) to centre himslf on the seat yet STILL ends up with a bowl side swipe. This is a great conversation when you are heavily hung over after a New years bash. Needless to say I think a few people suffer from this 'Bent Chassis'.

Thank God somebody knows what causes it, I thought it had something to do with wheel alignment or the earths rotation or....... :shake:

[V Twin Raver]

Could that be a result of unbalanced bum-fluff causing more drag on one side?
:D

Unbalanced bum-fluff eh?

OK then. What causes that?

Anybody??

Is'nt there a shamPOOO that can sort that? Balance 2in1?

[V Twin Raver]

Balancing is difficult. It takes real skill to lean at just the right angle, arms outstreched to imporve balance, look straight ahead and.... grunt.

This title has more credibility than 1st sort.

1.Balance for Greenhorns requirements

plus

2.Satisfies Posh Tourers problem with unbalanced bum-fluff.

[bungbung]

What the hell are you using bush-lawyer leaves for?? Thats just plain sadistic!!! Can't you southerners grow rangiora?

I'm with PT, why you not use Rangiora, aka 'Bushmans Friend'?

I'm alarmed at the number of backyard sanitation experts taking unnecessary risks with their plumbing by using bush lawyer.

As seen from the following, which looks more dangerous?

[greenhorn]

Unbalanced bum-fluff eh?

OK then. What causes that?

Anybody??

Is'nt there a shamPOOO that can sort that? Balance 2in1?


Wasnt that Balance 2in! the same stuff advertised by our very own Rachel Hunter?? If you drink it, it doubles as a laxative... "It wont happen overnight, but it will happen...."

[scumdog]

I'm with PT, why you not use Rangiora, aka 'Bushmans Friend'?

I'm alarmed at the number of backyard sanitation experts taking unnecessary risks with their plumbing by using bush lawyer.

As seen from the following, which looks more dangerous?

You do have a point but at least I know what bush-lawyer looks like and its risks, that other stuff looks too much like a whole lot of other plants and I ain't putting just anything near my delicate/tender area, i.e. as somebody mentioned earlier, you might end up stuck with a doped out arsehole if you accidently use datura leaves*, also you can use the spikey back of the leaves to comb your bum-fluff thereby eliminating uneven drag as some have been experiencing.
A note for al-fresco dumpers, make sure you firmly grip your 'grunt-stick' and that it is up to the task, any laxness here could see you in the shit, possibly pinned under your grunt-stick if it is large enough.. :wacko:

*and that's company you DON'T want.

[scumdog]

I'm a folder.
Any way I can feel it has finally broken all ties with my self and I'm curious as to why there is no splash? How deep is this hole in the ground? Cautiously, still balanced, i look down and see i have safely laid the hugest grogan delicately and precisely cradled in my underpants.

Ripper yarn g.h., pissed myself :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Mate of mine did the same into the back of his overalls in the darkness out at the duck-shooting area, took to mid-morning to find out where the smell came from!!!
Poor dogs were getting dirty looks up 'til then :laugh:

[scumdog]

I'm with PT, why you not use Rangiora, aka 'Bushmans Friend'?

I'm alarmed at the number of backyard sanitation experts taking unnecessary risks with their plumbing by using bush lawyer.

As seen from the following, which looks more dangerous?

With this shitty weather ANY leaf has to be better than soggy bog paper, don't want to risk 'ginger-finger' caused by a break through in aforementioned soggy bog paper, do we? ;)

[hXc]

I'm a half scrunch, half fold and stand-up guy. I don't see how you can sit down and wipe!!!

[RiderInBlack]

You can't scrunch when using bush-lawyer leaves as you might get one of the spikey bits you-know-where, pays to fold carefully. :crazy:Use Doc Leaves. Very comfy. Leaves you dereare (SP) with that refeashed feeling.

[James Deuce]

Year old threads coming to life. *sob*
When will it end? :crybaby:

[SPORK]

Year old threads coming to life. *sob*
When will it end? :crybaby:
When more people use "New Posts".

[Storm]

When more intersesting threads pop up?

[SARGE]

thank Allah im not MUSLIM!! (http://www.restrooms.org/page03ar.html) !!!


now i understand why they are so pissed off...

"After using the toilet, one should performs the Istinjaa (cleansing with water). In Istinjaa, water is preferred for the purpose of cleaning oneself. However, when water is not available, a material that does not have a smooth surface, such as stone or wood can be used. Tissue paper can be used as long as it does not absorb the feces or urine and cause the hand to come into contact with it.
Qur’an forbids the use of the right hand in order to clean oneself from the impurities of urine and feces. The Prophet said, “None of you should touch his privates with his right hand whilst urinating nor should he wipe off feces with his right”."

[Wolf]

Scumdog, with his "arsehole strung out on drugs" comment, gave me a laugh, then Greenhorn's recollections literally had me fall off my chair and roll on the floor laughing. I had tears in my eyes and my ribs were starting to ache - solid two minutes of laughter with sporadic outbursts afterwards.

OK. fold, always - scrunch wrongly and you could wind up with a gap in the paper that would cause more than a "ginger finger". Wipe while seated, front to back (crank up the right buttock and reach around behind with right hand - not well-liked in the Muslim community...)

In the bush I prefer Rangiora or Dock or another soft broad-leafed plant of which I do not know the name but it seems safe enough (my arse has never had hallucinations afterwards so I guess it wasn't Datura.)

Sorry, I do not have any recollections to match GH's

[Rainbow Wizard]

We fold, the women scrunch (theyre such a dab hand)

[Sniper]

Im angry, I see red...............

[strayjuliet]

We fold, the women scrunch (theyre such a dab hand)

I fold so does that make me a male????

[Colapop]

Along the same lines but in a different vein/valley - what do asians use? I mean the whole squatting thing??? I've been told they stand on toilet seats for lack os squat conveniences. Does that make it difficult to wipe?

When th' Outhouse needs a flushin' Pa jus' go an' dig anudder......