Maverick
28th February 2007, 12:47
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell no!" replies the old lady. "I want it four times in the rocking chair."
----------------------------------------------------------
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.
After about 20 seconds she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
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Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very act. So, he went to his special place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!". And a loud booming voice replied, "Yes, Adam".
Adam:
"Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down here."
God:
"Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run out of names for then."
Adam:
"No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed that there are two kinds of each species."
God:
"Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."
Adam:
"Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each species ?"
God:
"So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."
Adam:
"Hey, God."
God:
(sigh) "Yes, Adam."
Adam:
"Which am I?"
God:
"You, Adam, are a male."
Adam:
"Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."
God:
"All right, Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."
So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads immediately to his special place.
Adam:
"Hey, God."
God:
"Yes, Adam."
Adam:
"Hey, God - did you remember to do what you promised ?"
God:
"Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the bushes near the place where you were sleeping."
Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling ...
Adam:
"Hey, God."
God:
"Yes, Adam."
Adam:
"Hey, God --- What's a headache?"
--------------------------------------
Is this really your third marriage?
Sure is.
What happened to your first two wives?
They died.
How did your first wife die?
She ate some poisonous mushrooms.
What about your second wife?
She died from a severe skull fracture.
How did she get a skull fracture?
She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
---------------------------------------
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
--------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell no!" replies the old lady. "I want it four times in the rocking chair."
----------------------------------------------------------
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.
After about 20 seconds she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
-------------------------------------------------------
Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very act. So, he went to his special place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!". And a loud booming voice replied, "Yes, Adam".
Adam:
"Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down here."
God:
"Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run out of names for then."
Adam:
"No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed that there are two kinds of each species."
God:
"Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."
Adam:
"Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each species ?"
God:
"So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."
Adam:
"Hey, God."
God:
(sigh) "Yes, Adam."
Adam:
"Which am I?"
God:
"You, Adam, are a male."
Adam:
"Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."
God:
"All right, Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."
So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads immediately to his special place.
Adam:
"Hey, God."
God:
"Yes, Adam."
Adam:
"Hey, God - did you remember to do what you promised ?"
God:
"Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the bushes near the place where you were sleeping."
Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling ...
Adam:
"Hey, God."
God:
"Yes, Adam."
Adam:
"Hey, God --- What's a headache?"
--------------------------------------
Is this really your third marriage?
Sure is.
What happened to your first two wives?
They died.
How did your first wife die?
She ate some poisonous mushrooms.
What about your second wife?
She died from a severe skull fracture.
How did she get a skull fracture?
She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
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