Log in

View Full Version : Pun-tificating



V4ME
1st March 2007, 08:41
Some of these I've seen but they are still good

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.


The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
[That's a story that lens itself.]

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

James Deuce
1st March 2007, 08:43
There's quite a bit of Ronnie Barker's work in there.

V4ME
1st March 2007, 08:58
Yes - some of these guys are quite good - here are some from - The Wit Of Terry Pratchett

"He blew the dust off the horn and put it to his lips, achieving a sound
like the ghost of a refried bean."

"His mind wandered so far it came back with souvenirs."

"Brother Preptil, the master of the music, had described Brutha's voice as
putting him in mind of a disappointed vulture arriving too late at the dead
donkey."

"This was music that not only had escaped but had robbed a bank on the way
out."

"In any normal society, he would have been considered more unglued than a
used stamp in a downpour."

"They looked at one another in incomprehension, two minds driving the wrong
way up a narrow street and waiting for the other man to reverse first."

"...he'd hammered the nails in and glued the strings to them. But this
wasn't too much of a problem, because Crash himself had the musical talent
of a blocked nostril."

"The other musicians around them were, it was true, quite bad. But that's
all they were. They didn't have a drummer who missed the drums or a bass
player with the same natural rhythm as a traffic accident."

Deviant Esq
1st March 2007, 09:49
I love Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. So much hilarity in so many books. Many a good hour spent with those, and many a good hour will be spent in the future too :)

V4ME
1st March 2007, 11:13
I love Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. So much hilarity in so many books. Many a good hour spent with those, and many a good hour will be spent in the future too :)


Mmm - Thanks - I must look at those - love his style - Cheers

Deviant Esq
1st March 2007, 11:16
Mmm - Thanks - I must look at those - love his style - Cheers
There's over 30 in the series now, and most can be read independantly of one another - you don't have to read them in order. Can't remember all the ones I've read but I particularly liked "Guards! Guards!" To start off with, I'd recommend reading "The Colour of Magic" and "The Light Fantastic", they're the first two in the series and go together. Still, there are so many good ones it's hard to recommend just a couple. :niceone:

James Deuce
1st March 2007, 11:17
Bring back Rincewind!

V4ME
1st March 2007, 11:23
Bring back Rincewind!

Quote: No matter how far a wizard goes, he will always come back for his hat.

judecatmad
1st March 2007, 11:26
Couldn't get into the Terry Pratchett stuff - bit too abstract for me. I prefer the Piers Anthony Xanth trilogy (which is a few more books than 3, but definitely not as many as Discworld!).