Think before you speak...

[texmo]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Unforgiven]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.The
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last
of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "N o," he replied.I
just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel
better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the
day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't ,turned to the
weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they
were laughing so hard!

[Macktheknife]

Good laugh cheers

[Switch]

Heheh. Nice. You been reading Teenage girly magazines? :nya:

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

I was about 15 years old, very tall and slim and walked into a dairy, where the male owner (about 38 and good looking but I thought him old at the time lol) knew me a little, the shop had quite a few customers - and he yelled out to me "Hey luv what ya lookin for?" without word of a lie this is what came out of my mouth "Do you have quick eaze (quickies)". Great bouts of laughter ensued and his reply was quick - Yes but I'll serve the customers first and then we'll have privacy. I hid at the back of the shop.

[NighthawkNZ]

:lol: very good... greens given

[Quartermile]

Haha very good bling away...................

[Unforgiven]

Heheh. Nice. You been reading Teenage girly magazines? :nya:

Nope, just gettin email from teenage girlies :nya:

[Sniper]

Hehehe, search before you post.....

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=16961&highlight=8+inches+you+promised

[Unforgiven]

Hehehe, search before you post.....

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=16961&highlight=8+inches+you+promised

But if we all did that what would you have to post about? :dodge:
besides that was posted 11th September 2005, its 2007 now...

[Sniper]

But if we all did that what would you have to post about? :dodge:
besides that was posted 11th September 2005, its 2007 now...

The QRF dont see your point. Mack just thread dredged which makes sense to us

[mstriumph]

:mellow: I faced a few embarrassing office moments when working in Africa, NZ and Australia ......
....... after growing up in England [where erasers are called 'rubbers' ]

[MyGSXF]

But if we all did that what would you have to post about? :dodge:
besides that was posted 11th September 2005, its 2007 now...

LOL.. . that's how Sniper gets aaalllll his posts.. :shutup: hitting on the poor unsuspecting who 'repost'.. :wacko: obviously he has nothing better to do... :Pokey:


I got sent it in an email ages ago.. but still had a bloody good laugh reading it here again!!! cheers Unforgiven!! :2thumbsup

[Finn]

I was at a busy restaurant with my ex wife and meant to say "Honey, would you please pass the salt?" but instead said "Bitch, you fucked up my life."

[Beemer]

But if we all did that what would you have to post about? :dodge:
besides that was posted 11th September 2005, its 2007 now...

That makes it even worse then - you're posting REALLY OLD jokes!

[Nasty]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I wil l tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something fu nny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[sunhuntin]

brilliant!!!:yes: got tears from laughing so hard.

[Finn]

Reminds me of when I was at a fancy restaurant celebrating a wedding anniversary with my now ex wife. I meant to say "Honey would you please pass the salt" but slipped out "Bitch you fucked up my life"

[Katman]

My friends wife once asked a woman she'd just met "when's your baby due?"

The woman replied "I'm not pregnant".

[crazyhorse]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word....
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY :
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store..
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished..
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven- month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?

we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!!!

[Taz]

Awesome. Thanks.

[kiwirach83]

Lol, great post. :laugh:

I once asked a man with a prosthetic arm struggling to open a door if he needed a hand. :Oops:

[crazyhorse]

Lol, great post. :laugh:

I once asked a man with a prosthetic arm struggling to open a door if he needed a hand. :Oops:

ha ha - yeah thats a good one too

[Dean]

Showing 'Dean love got a smile on my face
The girl in the miniskirt has bad taste
Because her shirt don't match
And there's a puddin' stain on the back
What the #### is that?
It might be doo-dooo

[sidecar bob]

Theres a blind DJ in Tauranga ive known since my teens. Spotted him at a gas station a while back & said "gidday John, i havent seen you for a while" he replied, "i havent seen you for longer"

[kiwirach83]

^ lol.

I worked at a dairy once and this massively overweight man asked for something which I had to go looking for out the back. When I returned with it, I said "Here you go sir, sorry about the wait!"

About two seconds later I had to run to the back of the shop because I was cracking up laughing at the double meaning. I hope he didn't thinking I was being horrible :bye:

[Zuki lover]

Love it :)

[sidecar bob]

One of my larger clients lost a numberplate off her car, she got a new set (ending in 700 by chance) & i bolted them on for her. I said oh well, you have a nice round figure now, that will be easy to remember.