Riff Raff
2nd April 2007, 16:17
After the success of my Gladstone Cliffhanger expose (i.e. a couple of people read it), I thought I'd do another one. This time Australian motojournalists flocked elsewhere in droves - a shame really as with so much time between bikes actually getting on the track there were plenty of opportunities to get the inside scoop on the riders.
As chief pit bitch for White Trash and with our strategic pit placement (next to the toilets and the coffee cart), I was in the perfect position to gather all the gossip for you dear readers who have far too much time on your hands.
Much was made of the fact that there were so many girls racing at this round, including Nicksta and Draco who were making their racing debut. Flame Bayliss broke a fingernail and was overheard asking her favourite paramedic to amputate the nail so she could do the second race. Wow. And then she kicked arse in Clubmans with this terrible disability. What a gal!
Keystone flew round the track in F2 and F3, but was thwarted in her last race when turn 1 decided it wanted to get a much closer look at her. Poor Goblin had the same problem at the chicane during practice. Heal well Kel.
Young Affdude was another making his race debut. The poor lad was so overcome with nerves that he couldn't even dress himself properly. Luckily for him an incredibly gorgeous woman (when seen in the right light and with some fortification on board) was able to assist the blushing lad into his leathers.
Shock hairdo of the day award went to the kicker of zebras. His claims of a shower shaving incident were questionable as the new do has all the hallmarks of a bikini trimmer weilding Cowpoos, but given that eyebrows were still intact, we'll concede that KZ might be telling the truth. GIXser's hair remained steadfastly hidden beneath his cap all day because the poor lad was too embarressed to let people see him without highlighted tips. Oh the humanity! His bike looked really good 'though, which is why it stayed on display in the pits all day I guess.
Following on from Jay Lawrence's success using Cheezels as an alternative fuel source, Trashybabe decided to do some experimenting with Burger Rings. His attempt was stymied by the theft of the strategically placed burger rings just prior to racing. Cowpoos was widely rumoured to be the culprit after his plans to emulate Mr Lawrence fell through when he accidently ate the whole bag of Cheezels he'd bought to adorn his bike with. Sadly for Nicksta the animated discussion about cheezels versus burger rings was overheard (although not in it's entirety we suspect) by a member of her pit crew. Believing the application of one of these snacks would be a complete fuel source, they failed to realise that the addition of a petroleum product was still required during these experimental stages.
The Dover was seen having clandestine meetings with several riders during the day. One anonymous informant stated favours were exchanged for a peek in a little book clutched tightly in the hands of Mr Dover. Rumour had it that they were looking at Dover's own publicity shots for his upcoming gay porno, but the truth was out after excuses 34, 73 and 127 were used by Cowpoos, Fizzerman and White Trash.
In a shock upset, Death_Inc managed to oust WT from 7th during the last F1 race. While Death did a happy-happy-joy-joy dance, Trashy managed to make up an excuse all by himself. I can't divulge what it was as it was quickly incorporated into The Book of Excuses (number 169). Call 0900BENDOVER for an on-the-spot excuse. Calls cost $19.99 per minute. Kids ask your parents first.
And so ended the day. I know you boys out there will find this hard to believe, but there was absolutely no bikini-clad jelly wrestling going on between races.
As chief pit bitch for White Trash and with our strategic pit placement (next to the toilets and the coffee cart), I was in the perfect position to gather all the gossip for you dear readers who have far too much time on your hands.
Much was made of the fact that there were so many girls racing at this round, including Nicksta and Draco who were making their racing debut. Flame Bayliss broke a fingernail and was overheard asking her favourite paramedic to amputate the nail so she could do the second race. Wow. And then she kicked arse in Clubmans with this terrible disability. What a gal!
Keystone flew round the track in F2 and F3, but was thwarted in her last race when turn 1 decided it wanted to get a much closer look at her. Poor Goblin had the same problem at the chicane during practice. Heal well Kel.
Young Affdude was another making his race debut. The poor lad was so overcome with nerves that he couldn't even dress himself properly. Luckily for him an incredibly gorgeous woman (when seen in the right light and with some fortification on board) was able to assist the blushing lad into his leathers.
Shock hairdo of the day award went to the kicker of zebras. His claims of a shower shaving incident were questionable as the new do has all the hallmarks of a bikini trimmer weilding Cowpoos, but given that eyebrows were still intact, we'll concede that KZ might be telling the truth. GIXser's hair remained steadfastly hidden beneath his cap all day because the poor lad was too embarressed to let people see him without highlighted tips. Oh the humanity! His bike looked really good 'though, which is why it stayed on display in the pits all day I guess.
Following on from Jay Lawrence's success using Cheezels as an alternative fuel source, Trashybabe decided to do some experimenting with Burger Rings. His attempt was stymied by the theft of the strategically placed burger rings just prior to racing. Cowpoos was widely rumoured to be the culprit after his plans to emulate Mr Lawrence fell through when he accidently ate the whole bag of Cheezels he'd bought to adorn his bike with. Sadly for Nicksta the animated discussion about cheezels versus burger rings was overheard (although not in it's entirety we suspect) by a member of her pit crew. Believing the application of one of these snacks would be a complete fuel source, they failed to realise that the addition of a petroleum product was still required during these experimental stages.
The Dover was seen having clandestine meetings with several riders during the day. One anonymous informant stated favours were exchanged for a peek in a little book clutched tightly in the hands of Mr Dover. Rumour had it that they were looking at Dover's own publicity shots for his upcoming gay porno, but the truth was out after excuses 34, 73 and 127 were used by Cowpoos, Fizzerman and White Trash.
In a shock upset, Death_Inc managed to oust WT from 7th during the last F1 race. While Death did a happy-happy-joy-joy dance, Trashy managed to make up an excuse all by himself. I can't divulge what it was as it was quickly incorporated into The Book of Excuses (number 169). Call 0900BENDOVER for an on-the-spot excuse. Calls cost $19.99 per minute. Kids ask your parents first.
And so ended the day. I know you boys out there will find this hard to believe, but there was absolutely no bikini-clad jelly wrestling going on between races.