canarlee's joke of the day thread

[canarlee]

Woman steps out of the shower only to slip on the wet tiles and become stuck to the floor like a limpet with her lower lady bits!!!Upon trying to free herself for 5/10 minutes she calls to her husband for assistance. Hubby also tries for 5/10 mins to help her to her feet however she is stuck firm and will not budge. After putting a towel round her he calls next door for Jimmy to come and give him a hand. Jimmy and the husband both haul and try to free the woman without success. "There's only one way we are going to free your wife", states Jimmy, "And that's to crack the tile she's stuck to." The husband shouts, "Wait a minute" and rushes into the kitchen returning with a bottle of Fairy Liquid squirting it all over the bathroom floor. "What the hell are you at?" shouts Jimmy. "Well" says the husband, "if we're going to crack tiles we'll slide her into the kitchen, the tiles are cheaper in there."





oh and i dont care if they are repeats coz they are new to me:p

[canarlee]

Jesus was at the last supper with all his disciples when he suddenly stands up and says," I will now turn this jug of water into wine."


"No you bloody won't" cries Judas, "You'll throw £20.00 into the centre of the table like everyone else."

[canarlee]

Police car pulls over a motorist and asks him to get out of his car. Asking the driver to accompany him to the rear of the vehicle he points out the car has a defective brake light.


Looking at the rear of the car the motorist starts wailing, crying and drops to his knees banging his fists on the ground.


The cop says,"Look sir I'm just pointing out your brake light isn't working, I'm not fining you."


"Fuck the brake light", cries the motorist, "Where the hell is my caravan?"

[canarlee]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"


The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."


The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

[canarlee]

I called the local ramblers association today bloody hell the bloke who answered went on and on and on...

[canarlee]

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.


"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."


"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"


"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.


"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.


Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"


"No problem!" says Ned, "Let's go!"


When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.


"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,


"Ned. You really are the most popular man in the world."


"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President and you didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"


"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

[canarlee]

A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."


The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."


The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."


She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

[deanohit]

You know you have a high sperm count when your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows!

[canarlee]

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob by a 90-year-old woman.

What have they got in common?


They're both thinking, "Don't look down."

[canarlee]

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, so she decides to take it.

He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?"


Curtly the woman replied, "June."


She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he was still sat there smiling.


June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?"


Jim answered, "Well, I'm just imagining what it would be like to have 9 inches of Snow in June!"

[canarlee]

one for the ladies

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.


Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.


"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.


"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.


It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"


The doctor quickly responded, " $5 , 000 for

a male brain, and $ 200 for a female brain."


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,


"Why is the male brain so much more?"


The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!

[deanohit]

a horney midget walks into a bar and sees this gorgeus woman at the bar.he decides to try the direct approach.he walks up to her and asks 'hey honey,whaddaya say to a little fuck?'.she looks down at him an replies 'Hello you little fuck!'

[deanohit]

a guy sees a good lookin bird in the pub,so he downs his beer,plucks up his courage and approaches her.he walks over an says 'hello there,I'm mike.'she then shouts 'no i wont sleep with you tonight!' every one looks,and ashamed he slinks back to his seat.5 minutes later she comes over an says 'sorry about that,i'm studying psycology and am gauging peoples reactions to difficult situations."he then shouts 'what do you mean $200!'

[canarlee]

Wife in bedroom looks in full length mirror, says to hubby: 'I'm fat, ugly and a minger. Say something nice to me.'------------------------------------------------------ Hubby: 'You've got great eyesight.'-----------------------------------------------------

[deanohit]

Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

[deanohit]

There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"

The old woman fainted.

[canarlee]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM

[canarlee]

3 men sitting in a sauna, heard a bleeping sound. the american pressed his arm & bleep stopped. that was my pager, i have a microchip in my arm... phone rings, japanese man puts palm to his ear ... that was my mobile, i have a chip in hand. irish man not to be outdone, went to toilet, came back toilet paper hanging from his ar$e. the others stared at him... bjasus, will you look at that, i'm getting a fax...

[canarlee]

DON'T FART IN BED >>> >>> If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me >>> know and I'll pray for you. >>> This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. >>> The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting >>> loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and >>> the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every >>> morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it >>> was >>> making her sick. >>> He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She >>> told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow >>> his guts out. >>> The years went by and he continued to rip them out! >>> Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for >>> dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where >>> she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the >>> spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and >>> went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling >>> back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his >>> underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some >>> time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which >>> was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic >>> footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. >>> The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor >>> laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she >>> had >>> got him back pretty good. >>> About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood >>> stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip >> as >>> she asked him what was the matter. >>> He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me >>> and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. >>> "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my >>> guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, >>> some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back >>> in."

[canarlee]

Our local strawberry picking contest was won by a woman with no legs.. ..Jammy Tw4t

[canarlee]

Guy comes to work with a swish looking hoxton fin. 'Nice haircut' his mate says, 'I can never get mine to look quite so good - what's your secret?' All I do is rub my head between my girlfriends breasts, and voila. Over the weekend, then both back to work monday, with identical hairstyles. Tried your styling idea, he says - it works really well - thanks for that oh, and by the way, love the new decor in your house too.....

[MSTRS]

Our local strawberry picking contest was won by a woman with no legs.. ..Jammy Tw4t

...and you thought those strawberries were 'choc dipped' :sick:

[canarlee]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes," the Lab replies. "So, what's the story?" The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euros," the man says. "Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite

[canarlee]

Guy walks into the doctors and says "Dr. every time I guff, it makes a really weird noise" "Go on then" says the doc., let her rip and let's have a listen" So the guy bends over, cranks his left leg to get some decent back-pressure and lets out a massive seat-ripper.... The doctor nearly falls off his chair as the bloke's arse shouts "HONDA" and all the windows in the examination room rattle off their hinges. "Aha!" cries the doctor....."you have a serious problem, you have a rectal abcess!" "What do you mean?" says the guy "Everybody knows that abcess makes the fart go Honda!" Coat....hat....TAXI!

[canarlee]

In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in New Zealand, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Flood Risk Assessment on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire Only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to Finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[canarlee]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and Sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them - "The second most important quality is "Observation'". "I stuck my middle finger in, and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention."

[canarlee]

A Guys Story One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big un-named department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her. :)

[canarlee]

Whats the difference between a seriously intense french kiss, and oral sex? Ones a full-blown tongue job, the others a full-tongue blow job.

[canarlee]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting pi55ed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

[canarlee]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[canarlee]

They are in the shower A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

[canarlee]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

[canarlee]

Virtual breasts

(o)(o) Perfect Breasts ( + )( + ) Fake Silicone Breasts (*)(*) High Nipple Breasts (@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts (.)(.) Tiny Nipple Breasts o o "A" Cups { O }{ O } "D" Cups (oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts ( ^)( ^) Cold Breasts (o)(O) Lopsided Breasts (Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts (p)(p) Hanging Tassle Breasts \o/\o/ Grandma's Breasts ( - )( - ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts < o >< o > Electric Shock Breasts (8)(o) Extra Nipple Breasts ( o Y o ) Poses for Playboy Breasts ( /\ )( /\ ) Madonna's Breasts

[Beemer]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said, "I'm not happy"........

I said, "Well which one are you then?”

[canarlee]

and on we go

[canarlee]

A blonde a brunette and a redhead all in the doctors office waiting to be examined. The redhead said "I'm having a boy" "Well how do you know?" they asked. "I was on top" she answered The brunette said "then I'm having a girl as I was on bottom" The blonde started crying and screamed "Oh my, I'm having puppies!!"

[canarlee]

Did you hear about the woman with 3 puss!es. She was fücked left, right and centre.

[canarlee]

An Old man has a bad tooth ache, he goes into the dentist office. The dentist brings him into the room and looks at the tooth, he tells the old man we cant fix it we need to pull it out! The dentist gets some novacane, the old man says I can't take that...I am allergic to it! So the dentist leaves the room and comes back with some laughing gas...the old man says I can't take that I am allergic to it! So the dentist is getting mad, leaves the room and comes back and sticks two pills in the old mans hand and says take these! The old man takes the pills and asks what were they? The dentist tells him it was Viagara! The old mans says Viagara??? the dentist says sure is...you are going to need something to hold onto while I pull your tooth out!

[canarlee]

One for the ladies!!
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ...Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[canarlee]

Here's the way I heard it...... Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's stop in at the bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the little dog shrieked (incredulously, of course): "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f..king Chihuahua?!"

[canarlee]

there's this young lad
who joins the circus to become a lion tamer. First day on duty the old experienced lion tamer says to him 'Right, go in the cage, and if the lions show you any aggression just grab a couple of handfuls of sh.t and throw it at them.' Young lad 'Where will I find the sh.t?' Lion tamer 'Oh there'll be plenty of sh.t alright.'

[canarlee]

Too-late tailor
Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he's found the cause of his problem. "Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine," says the medic. "The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache." Joe is appalled. "Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?" he asks. "I'm afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles," says the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex - but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor's, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, "You'll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg." Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor's eye, and asks for a shirt. "That'll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck," the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. "36?" guesses the tailor incorrectly. "No, sorry, I'm a 34," Joe says. "I've worn a 34 since I was 18." "This is not possible," frowns the tailor. "If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches."

[canarlee]

Jack & Jill went to play hide and seek.... Jill said to Jack, 'if you can find me, you can lick my pu55y and f**k me up the ar5e!' . . . . 'and if you can't, I'll be in the shed!'

[canarlee]

Joe was visiting a friend's rubber factory one day. They entered the first room, to the loud sound of "Bang! Hish! Bang! Hish!" "What are you making here?" asked Joe. "Teats for a baby's bottle," replied the owner. "The bang makes the teat and the hish puts the hole in the end." The next room, however, was filled with different sounds: "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Hish! Bang! Bang!" "This is where we make condoms," explained the owner. 'so why," asked Joe, 'do the machines go hish every now and then?" "Well," says the owner, "We have to make sure there are enough babies for our teats."

[canarlee]

Therapy?
A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. He necks it, takes out his cock, and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is furious and tells the man to get out. He apologises profusely, saying he doesn't know what came over him, and that he will see a psychiatrist and get help. A week later, the man goes back into the pub, orders a drink, takes out his cock and pisses all over the bar. Again, the furious landlord tells him to get out, and again the man apologises, and says he will definitely get some help from a psychiatrist for his unusual condition. He then leaves. The following week, the man comes in and the landlord stops him before he can order a drink. "It's okay," says the man, "I've been in treatment with my psychiatrist. Everything's fine." The landlord decides to give the man one more chance, and pulls him a pint. The man drinks it, then gets his cock out and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is stunned. "I thought you'd been to see a psychiatrist," he says. "I have," the man replies. "But you've just pissed all over my bar again," the landlord says. "I know," says the man. "But I don't feel guilty about it any more."

[canarlee]

An Amish boy and his father rode into town to visit a new shopping mall. All that they saw had them reeling in amazement, but the one thing that really caught their eye was a pair of shiny "walls' that could slide open and close effortlessly shut again. The boy looked at his father and asked,"What is this thing, father?" Having never seen an elevator before, the old man responded: 'son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." At that moment, a fat lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady moved between them into a small room. The walls then closed, and the boy and his father watched in awe as a series of semi-circular numbers above the walls lit up sequentially. They continued to stare as the numbers lit in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out. Without taking his eyes off the young woman, the father said quietly: 'son, go get your mother ""

[canarlee]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally athree-person team. But today, the girl who plants the trees ... called in sick."

[canarlee]

Man decides to throw a fancy dress party were the guests come as an emotion. So on the big night, the door bell rings and a woman in a tight pink leotard with a feather boa, is standing there. On asking which emotion she is she replys "I'm tickled pink" "O very good come inside" Door bell goes again and a man dressed in green is there. "I'm green with envy" is his reply on being asked which emotion he is and he is asked to come in. Next the time the door bell goes two West Indians are stood there both totally starkers. One with his JT in a bowl of custard the other with the same organ stuck in a pear. "Good God" the host replied "What the hell have you come as". "Well now, I am fooking dis-custard and my friend has come in dis pair"

[canarlee]

An irishman....
is in a taxi in Liverpool heading for the airport and ultimately home to Dublin. As its rush hour they get stuck in a traffic jam. 'Tell u what kid' said the scouse taxi driver,'Why don't we have a game to pass the time' 'Good oidea' says the Irishman. At this the taxi driver turns his rear view mirror so that it points to himself and says: 'Brothers and sisters I have none, but that man there is my fathers son'. After what seems like ages the irishman gives in unable to solve the riddle. 'Well its me isn't it' says the taxi driver,'think about it...brothers and sisters I have none but that man there is my fathers son'. 'Oh yeah' says the irishman.'Oi'm gonna remember that for lads back home' later that night after several pints of guiness, the irishman asks for a mirror. the barmiad brings him one and he says confidently' anyone who guesses this oi'll buy their beer for the rest of the night' with this the irishman points the mirror to himself and says' brothers and sisters i have none, but that man there is my fathers son' One by one his pals give in unable to break the riddle. 'yer f***in eejits' says the irishman,'its a taxi driver from Liverpool'

[canarlee]

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies Nancy. "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

[canarlee]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

[canarlee]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[canarlee]

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says "Quiet! They're about to land!"

[canarlee]

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

[canarlee]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me, "he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. " YES, YES, YES!! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. " Good! " said the first bat, " Because I bloody didn't!

[canarlee]

and on we go again

A school teacher tells her class to make up a little poem using thier name and what they want to do when they grow up. after 10 minutes she asks for their poems to be read out. she points to Dan and asks him to recite his poem. Dan clears his throat and recites his poem, "my name is Dan, when i grow up im going to drive a van, if i can,maybe" "well done Dan" says the teacher and then points to Stan for his poem. Stan stands up and recites his poem. "hi my name is Stan, when i grow up i want to live in Japan, if i can,maybe." once again the teacher thanks the pupil and points to Sadie. Sadie giggles,blushes slightly and recites her poem. "Hello my name is Sadie, when i grow up im going to have a baby, if i can,maybe. Sadie sits down to sniggers from all the boys, the teacher then points to Paul for his recital. Paul nonchantly gets to his feet and starts, "Well my name is Paul, when i grow up im going to do fuck all, im not driving a van like Dan, or going to live in Japan like Stan, im going to fuck Sadie, give her a baby, not maybe i am.

[canarlee]

ive just got back from a muslim birthday party. fuck me........................................ ive never seen pass the parcel over so quickly.

[canarlee]

What you call a paki that shags sheep?? Ram-a-lamb!!!

[canarlee]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, " Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day ."

[Maha]

51 out of 58 posts in your own thread!!! :gob: doing a wonderful job there Lee....post count is slowlee rising....:yes:

[canarlee]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster's legs, what would have?



Two feet of cock in your arse.

[canarlee]

A man who recently had a sex-change operation was talking to his former buddies at work about the operation. "Was it painful?" someone asked. "Well," she said. "There was one part that was extremely painful." "I bet I know what part was so painful," someone else said. "I bet it was when they cut off your balls," they said. "No," she said. "I was heavily sedated and didn't feel a thing." "Then it must have been when they cut off your pecker," another person offered. "No," she said. "I was sedated then too, and didn't feel anything." "Then what part of the operation was so painful?" They wanted to know. "Well," she said. "After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw in my ear and sucked out half of my brains."

[canarlee]

whats the diference between PMT and BSE ? ones ........mad cows desease. and the other is to do with cattle

[canarlee]

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?!" The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!" The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, 'dad, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband, so please, go away and leave me alone!" A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room? She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the footy with my son-in-law."

[canarlee]

Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises. "Oh, how are you going to do it," asks one of the guys. "Whatever your father's jobs were, that's how I'll remove them," says the devil. So he calls over the first guy, "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw." To the second guy he says, "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off." As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling. "Why are you smiling? You just watched me remove your friends penises," says the devil. "I know," replies the man, "but my father was a lollipop maker."

[canarlee]

A young fella is brought home to meet the folks. His girl greets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my folks. And I, uhh, forgot tell you, they're both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. "Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. "Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains. "Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this assh*le a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f*ck him - I'm watching the match."

[canarlee]

A Taupo wife bored with her dull hubby, decides to buy her first vibrator. Goes into sex shop and studies row of vibrators arranged in increasing size along the wall. Eyes widening she says eagerly to shopkeeper 'I'll have that big one on the end!' 'No, madam, that's the fire extinguisher.'

[canarlee]

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOWW ... You gotta close the windowwwws..."

[canarlee]

It was entertainment night at the senior's center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, " Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the Hypnotist.







.... It took three weeks to clean up the senior's center.

[canarlee]

Whats worse than a dead dog on your piano?


An infected pussy on your organ

[canarlee]

these two blokes
were playing a round of golf. They got held up by two women playing v.slowly ahead of them, like they do. One bloke says 'I'll go and ask those women if we can play through.' Gets half way then hurries back. 'Sorry, can't do it, one is my wife and one is my mistress.' Other bloke says 'OK, I'll do it.' Gets half way and hurries back. 'Snap.'

[Steam]

Wait wait, it's supposed to be ONE joke. Canarlee's JOKE of the day. Not the whole fracking book! Stop!

[canarlee]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[canarlee]

Wait wait, it's supposed to be ONE joke. Canarlee's JOKE of the day. Not the whole fracking book! Stop!

aww cmon most of em are funny........................aint they?


oh and where do i use a capital c in my username?


ive just been thinking about this, one minute i get a bollocking from the moderators about posting a single joke on a thread and posting lots of threads so i put them all on one thread then you Steam start having a go, what the fuck am i meant to do?

[Flatcap]

Well, I found it a good read while I ate my lunch of red hot chilli

....time for a lager....

[Maha]

64 the count now....Lee's way of playing with himself online.....:killingme

[canarlee]

64 the count now....Lee's way of playing with himself online.....:killingme

oi cheeky!!!



im not going to bother trying on this site too much now, 1st the fucking moderators are way too heavy and need to get a life, then idiots like steam piss me off too...................basically the nazis need to fuck off and let the rest of the world carry on, its only a website, there are millions more out there!!!

[Steam]

im not going to bother trying on this site too much now, 1st the fucking moderators are way too heavy and need to get a life, then idiots like steam piss me off too...................basically the nazis need to fuck off and let the rest of the world carry on, its only a website, there are millions more out there!!!

Maaahhaha! Liddle baby is throwing his toys most vigorously from the cot. Zoom, look at them fly! :whocares:
Just stop posting jokes you got off some website and cluttering up the universe with mildly funny crapola, you'll be right mate.

[Steam]

.... and cluttering up the universe with mildly funny crapola, you'll be right mate.

Oh wait, I do that rather a lot actually. As you were then!

[Sniper]

im not going to bother trying on this site too much now, 1st the fucking moderators are way too heavy and need to get a life, then idiots like steam piss me off too...................basically the nazis need to fuck off and let the rest of the world carry on, its only a website, there are millions more out there!!!

:killingme :lol: :laugh: :clap: :D ahhhh :done:

Twit, you need to look at yourself and realise that getting angry at a website is a silly thing to do, now go for a ride.

[Macktheknife]

what the fuck am i meant to do?

Chill out!