i dont care if its a repost, i hadnt seen it before

[canarlee]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar, with nothing to do. Dave said, "I wish we had something to drink mate!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No." "Well, don't, ' cause I'm in Perth."

[canarlee]

The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body The officers got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my manhood to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement to be taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's manhood and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[canarlee]

The head zookeeper phones Paddy, "Paddy, the female gorilla has come into season and she swinging through the cage crazy for a bit of sex, can you help us out?" Paddy replies, "I'm not to sure, I'd need to think about it." Head keeper replies, "Would £500.00 help you think about it quicker?" Paddy agrees in a flash however there are conditions. "I don't want to kiss her." says Paddy, "and my family and friends are never to know about this." The head keeper agrees no kissing and the only couple who will know about the liason will be Paddy and himself. "There's a third condition." says Paddy, "Can you give me a couple of weeks to gather up the cash?"

[canarlee]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fooook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course" he replies "what's the use of foooookin' one?"

[canarlee]

Lie Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." " Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man. "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan"

[canarlee]

for the repost police!!!

Chap bounces out of bed one morning feeling on top of the world. Goes into the bathroom and sees himself in the mirror and thinks "jeez I look rough, but hey! I feel great" Goes down to breakfast where his wife says "You look rough" Yeah but I feel great he responds Goes to the office, where the secretary says "Boy you look rough" Yeah but I feel great he says. The boss comes out "Wow you look rough" yeah but you know what I feel great. The secretary books him a doctors appointment and off he goes. The doc says "Boy o boy do you look rough" YEAH BUT I FEEL GREAT he replies again! the doctor runs al sorts of test and nothing untoward is found. Son you got me beat syas the doc and gets the books out. Lets see here, Looks good, feels good...no no that's not you. Looks awful, feels awful.....No that aint you either AHA Looks awful, feels great....








.........that's you Oh I am sorry sir, but it says here in this medical journal that you're a vagina:D

[canarlee]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court". The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates". The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

[Grahameeboy]

Hows the Cafe set up going then??

[canarlee]

Hows the Cafe set up going then??



its on hold at the moment mate, i cant find a premises!!!:gob: so im gunna have to get a job in the meantime methinks!!!