What to do if your girlfriend/wife/partner is upset

[klingon]

I've been going through some very difficult times recently (for example last week I was told that my father is terminally ill and probably only has a few weeks left to live).

In general my partner has been very practical and helpful. But he is really crap at dealing with me being upset. He wants to fix stuff for me - but there are some things he just can't fix. Sometimes I just want him to listen.

Now, as much as I love you Kiwi Blokes, you have to admit that a lot of you are USELESS at dealing with an upset woman. Right at the moment I am not upset, so I made some notes for my partner and I thought they might be helpful for some of you other blokes. Of course they are aimed mostly at him, with my needs in mind. But I'm sure there are some universal truths here.

I also know that there are some guys out there who are really good listeners. Please don't be offended by my generalisations.

_________________________________________

Step I: Recognition
First you need to notice when she’s upset. Signs may include:

crying
Wobbly voice
Shaking


These are by no means the only signs. They will be different for different people. You need to learn to recognise the signs of being upset in people who are important to you. For example, what subject matters does she usually find upsetting?

If in genuine doubt, you may ask her if she is upset. You may only ask her if you really don’t know. If she is crying, assume she is upset. Do not ask.

Step II: Remove distractions
In order to listen properly, you need to give her your complete attention. Stop what you are doing and remove distractions.

Turn off the television (do not just mute it)
Close and put down your book or newspaper (don’t just look up from it)
Move away from the computer (no matter how fascinating that KB thread is)
Turn off the radio/stereo/music
Stop doing the dishes, dry your hands
Stop preparing food, turn off the stove
Put down whatever is in your hands
Do not answer the phone if it rings

As a rule of thumb, only continue doing things that are more important to you than your partner’s emotional state. Are you prepared to say to her, “This thread on Kiwi Biker is more important to me than the fact that you are upset and need to talk”? If so, you must accept the consequences of that choice.

Step III: Body position
There are several options, all of which should allow you to listen attentively to her, and help you to comfort her.

Stand facing her. You may:

Hold one or both of her hands
Hug her
Put your hands on her shoulders.

Do not fold your arms or put your hands on your hips.
Sit facing her with options as above. You may also:

Lean slightly forward
Put your elbows on your knees

Do not rest your chin in your hands or lean back with your hands behind your head.
Sit beside her (e.g. on a sofa). You may:

Hold her hand
Put your arm around her shoulders
If you are already lying in bed, put your arms around her. Do not close your eyes or turn off the light. If you find this difficult you may need to sit up to make sure you keep your eyes open.



Step IV: Pay attention to her physical state

If she seems cold, offer to get her a blanket or a jacket
If she is crying, ask if she would like a tissue (bring the whole box)
Especially if she is crying, be patient and give her time to talk between sobs

If at any time you need to get up (e.g. to get her something) tell her what you are doing and make sure you come straight back. Do not get distracted on the way.

Step V: Listening

Pay attention
Make eye contact when you can
Give appropriate feedback to show you are listening e.g. Nod or squeeze her hand gently
Ask appropriate questions e.g. to clarify issues
Under no circumstances should you use sarcasm
Do not be over-sensitive or defensive (she's probably not blaming you).
Offer solutions sparingly. It will be more effective if you make a mental note of your solutions, then suggest them to her later when she is less upset. This shows that you were focussed on listening to her, and also that you are still thinking about her and her problems later.
NEVER:

Tell her that she is being silly
Tell her to stop crying
Tell her to get over it, pull herself together, get some perspective or grow up.

[ManDownUnder]

............. respect..............

For what it's worth you're giving advice that most men take 60 years to accumulate.

There is an opposite and equally valid point of view, but is neither the time nor the place. If I can help in any way... even "just" to listen.

Nigel

[skelstar]

Some guys are just too stupid and ignorant to know what to do. Every Woman out there should count herself lucky if she should find a guy who does know how to listen...even if he might try to fix things a little bit.

[Babelfish]

Personally I think its the perfect time for sex. Romantic lighting, sensual massage, gently put sturdy leather belt around her waist, casually roll her onto her stomach, smoothly enter from behind, calmly whisper in her ear to "get over yourself" and hold on for dear life....yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww :crazy:

[Pwalo]

I'm sorry but men don't work that way. We do our best, but we are who we are (ie were not women).

I really do my try and listen when my far, far better half needs me to. I guess I have learnt to shut up though, and not give my opinion.

[Jantar]

Klingon, I feel for you and I do know what you are going through. However what you describe is possibly the major difference between male and female. If you want someone to just listen and sympathise then do not rely on your partner, or any other male. Rely on your female friends.

If you want advice, or want something fixed, then tell your partner. When you say "In general my partner has been very practical and helpful. But he is really crap at dealing with me being upset. He wants to fix stuff for me - but there are some things he just can't fix" you have just described the perfect male.. Maybe not what you would like to see in the perfect male, that is what you will get.

[janno]

Hey - I hear ya girl!!

I had to learn to explain clearly to the other half what I wanted.

ie say "I am so upset, it's nothing you have done, and I need you to listen to me and hug me and make soothing noises for the next five minutes while I talk. That's all you have to do, I don't want or need advice."

Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame.

You and I may think that our partners should know us well enough by now not to need bloody great road signs to alert them to the fact that we need some comfort without solving a task, but they are working on ingrained basic instinct. Their job in the cave was to solve problems and kill the mastodon. Which is not very helpful when you need some quiet comfort and attention.

My favourite bloke thing is the "I'm really worried about this so I will do my utmost to pretend it's not happening. If I refuse to talk about it or if I drink enough the problem will mysteriously vanish." Anyway . . .

Sorry to hear about your family sadness - not much fun, huh? Hang in there and sending virtual hugs your way.

[imdying]

You forgot 'Give a shit'. If you can't empathise with your partner, there's something wrong.

[avgas]

Fair enough, but if i do this what do i get in return?
How about this for a bargin, we want:
a) more sex
b) back rubs
c) more food.

And we will do what ever we can to make your flight more comfortable.

[klingon]

For what it's worth you're giving advice that most men take 60 years to accumulate.

I wish it took most men only 60 years to get it... my Dad's 82 and the best he can do if a woman's upset is offer to check her oil and tyre pressure! Kind of sweet in its own way but not what she needs at the time!


Hey - I hear ya girl!!

I had to learn to explain clearly to the other half what I wanted.

ie say "I am so upset, it's nothing you have done, and I need you to listen to me and hug me and make soothing noises for the next five minutes while I talk. That's all you have to do, I don't want or need advice."

Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame.

You and I may think that our partners should know us well enough by now not to need bloody great road signs to alert them to the fact that we need some comfort without solving a task, but they are working on ingrained basic instinct. Their job in the cave was to solve problems and kill the mastodon. Which is not very helpful when you need some quiet comfort and attention.

My favourite bloke thing is the "I'm really worried about this so I will do my utmost to pretend it's not happening. If I refuse to talk about it or if I drink enough the problem will mysteriously vanish." Anyway . . .

Sorry to hear about your family sadness - not much fun, huh? Hang in there and sending virtual hugs your way.

Ha ha Janno you made me laugh with that. That's exactly what happens at our place. To give my man credit, I'm sure if I was being attacked by a woolly mammoth he would be the ideal person to save me. Shame there aren't many mammoths in Mt Albert any more.

As you said, "Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame." That's what I'm trying to provide here, although I admit I missed out the time frame. Although I would really like hugs and soothing noises for about four hours, maybe I should start with something a little less ambitious. :)

[Macktheknife]

Blokes appreciate a clearly defined task and a time frame.

.

Hell yes!
As a general thing ladies, please focus on and appreciate the males good points, we do try our best.
After all, how would you like it if all we talked about was any shortcomings you may have?

All the best Klingon, you know you can call on me any time for assistance.

[MSTRS]

Good advice, Klingon. But it is wasted on guys. Some may have an overabundance of female hormones and can do all that stuff without 'training', BUT most of us are just simple blokes. We can't do the sit still and listen thing. We fix things by rolling up our sleeves and getting our hands dirty. When you need an ear, that's what your girlfriends are for. Invite them over, then tell us that the bike needs this or that doing so flock off to the gargre for an hour or two :bye:.
:dodge:

[klingon]

Hell yes!
As a general thing ladies, please focus on and appreciate the males good points, we do try our best.
After all, how would you like it if all we talked about was any shortcomings you may have?

All the best Klingon, you know you can call on me any time for assistance.

Aaaw Mack, I do appreciate males' good points... that's what makes them so irrisistable! :love: I didn't mean to focus on male shortcomings by starting this thread, but just to offer some very specific advice for circumstances where they cannot fix the problem and don't know what they can do to help.

I'll be sure to call you if I have any dragons that need to be slayed. :yes:

[slinky]

If in genuine doubt, you may ask her if she is upset. You may only ask her if you really don’t know. If she is crying, assume she is upset. Do not ask.



ok, so its obvious she is upset. What do you say then??

just a simple,
whats wrong - do you want to talk about?
whats wrong, tell me about it?
whats wrong, lets talk about it.

or something else??

[Drum]

Like several of the previous posters, I too agree that it would be nice if we could behave the way you have described on occasion, however that is not what men do. You have described a woman, not a man.

We can try, we may even be able to do some of those things right, but in general I think you're going to be out of luck.

[Swoop]

He wants to fix stuff for me - but there are some things he just can't fix.

Now, as much as I love you Kiwi Blokes, you have to admit that a lot of you are USELESS at dealing with an upset woman.
You have read "the book" haven't you?

If you want something fixed, then tell your partner.
See below.

Their job in the cave...
Someone who has read the book!

Shame there aren't many mammoths in Mt Albert any more.
Are you sure? The "thing" coming out of the Postshop at 1.30 REALLY needed a good harpoon, or a few spears thrown at it. Where the fuck is greenpeace when you really need it?

[janno]

Ahh, bugger it.

I'm going to solve all my man problems and become a lesbian.

I'll just have to get one o'dem strapadiktome thingies . . .:yes:

[SPman]

Male Rule no.1: - if a woman is talking about a problem to you,- unless she specifically asks, don't try to "fix it up" - just shuddup and listen whilst making agreeing nodding motions of the head every now and then, whilst muttering words of consolation, encouragement or acknowledgement.
If somethings wrong, just ask, then say no more - just listen - they don't want you to fix it!

[scumdog]

Your advice was going well up to the "Ignore KB" bit!! (p/t!)

Seriously, the basic difference between the sexes and their thought process makes doing what you ask a fair chore for the average guy.

We DO try in our own clumsy way and at times succeed - but it takes untold concerted effort.:yes:

[janno]

You have described a woman, not a man.



Not quite, she hasn't. She's left out the "no speakies until you work out what is wrong" tactic, or the even more useful

Him "What's wrong?"
Her "NOTHING!!" followed by icy silence, glares intensifying if the male is stupid enough to think she meant what she said. :shutup:

[Joni]

but it takes untold concerted effort.:yes:Which is appreciated.... :yes:

[Edbear]

For what it's worth you're giving advice that most men take 60 years to accumulate.


I must be a fast learner, it's only taken me 30...:yes:

[Skyryder]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex.

It's not a pretty sight but it's a dead givaway to see where their 'real interest lies; your mental well being or the state of their dick. Hope it's the former but don't count on it.

As for you other lot making excuses about the difference of the sexes etc. that's complete and utter crap. The real problem is that you can not keep still long enough to listen. Try expanding your attention span.

Hope all well that ends well.

The sisters are with you.

[Edbear]

I've been going through some very difficult times recently (for example last week I was told that my father is terminally ill and probably only has a few weeks left to live).



Sorry to hear, klingon. Our thoughts are with you and your family. Been there twice, my Dad and my wife's Dad. My wife actually moved in with her Dad for 6 months and nursed him until he was admitted to a Hospice for the last 2 weeks when she was able to be just his daughter and let the professionals do the nursing. A very tough time!

[scumdog]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex.

It's not a pretty sight but it's a dead givaway to see where their 'real interest lies; your mental well being or the state of their dick. Hope it's the former but don't count on it.

As for you other lot making excuses about the difference of the sexes etc. that's complete and utter crap. The real problem is that you can not keep still long enough to listen. Try expanding your attention span.

Hope all well that ends well.

The sisters are with you.


I was in the middle of reading the above then got distracted and now I'm horny (again) so back in ten.......

[MSTRS]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex.

It's not a pretty sight but it's a dead givaway to see where their 'real interest lies; your mental well being or the state of their dick. Hope it's the former but don't count on it.

As for you other lot making excuses about the difference of the sexes etc. that's complete and utter crap. The real problem is that you can not keep still long enough to listen. Try expanding your attention span.

Hope all well that ends well.

The sisters are with you.

:gob:
Here is your broom.......now, be off with you!

[Devil]

If your girl/lady/kitchen dweller/killer whale/grizzly bear doesn't respect you enough to be upfront with you when she has a problem/is upset then she can deal with it herself. I realise certain things may take some prodding, but this is generally the exception rather than the rule.

Getting wound up because "he just doesn't get it" because of stupid hints and beating around the bush is just a waste of time and not fair on anyone.

Say what you mean.

[Pwalo]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex.

It's not a pretty sight but it's a dead givaway to see where their 'real interest lies; your mental well being or the state of their dick. Hope it's the former but don't count on it.

As for you other lot making excuses about the difference of the sexes etc. that's complete and utter crap. The real problem is that you can not keep still long enough to listen. Try expanding your attention span.

Hope all well that ends well.

The sisters are with you.

Ahh the sisterhood. Get real, everyone is different. Men are different from women (oh yes we're all driven by our dicks), men are different from men, women from women, etc, etc.

I some how think that at the end of the day we all have to cope with things on our own. It's nice to share, but we all have to come to terms with events in our lives.

[ManDownUnder]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex.


Let me rephrase.

The way to get a man's attention onto other women is to abuse this tactic (read "do it more than a couple of times") That's CREATING a lack of closeness, intimacy and the desired outcome...

Did you want the opposite?

Trust me - you need to do what serves you best in the long run... and turning off the tap AIN'T IT.

[avgas]

"Oh hunny that is terrible, here have a hug"
"You know what dear, you take all the time in the world - when your ready to open up, i'll be here"
"Would you like a cup of tea dearest?"
"Oh that dress is just devine"
"You need to stand up tall, and shout to the heavens, i am a women - let me pass"
Would you marry some GUY that said this? Gay men you are not allowed to answer!

[scumdog]

Getting wound up because "he just doesn't get it" because of stupid hints and beating around the bush is just a waste of time and not fair on anyone.

Say what you mean.

THAT is the big difference between men and women.

Women get huffy when guys don't pick up on 'hints'

Guys just can't grasp that, they're too use to direct comments.

[MSTRS]

Would you marry some GUY that said this?

And so to the crux of the matter.
Women hunt for a caveman. Once they have him, their mission is to geld him and instil the fine art of "Yes dear, no dear, of course dear' in him. At this point he is no longer considered man enough for her, he gets shown the door, while she goes on to repeat the process.

"Yes dear, I know where the couch is."

[skelstar]

Lets face it, nobody's happy really are they?

[edit] not supposed to be a dig at you Kling.

[Joni]

Lets face it, nobody's happy really are they?I am.... :yes:

After rerading this thread and seeing what some of the men on KB have to say, I realise how lucky I actually am. :love:

[kevfromcoro]

Ahh, bugger it.

I'm going to solve all my man problems and become a lesbian.

I'll just have to get one o'dem strapadiktome thingies . . .:yes:

haha..u want a couple of those..my wifes just fucked off and left a suitcase full of them...be in oz soon can bring them with me if u like ........ pm me...lol KEV

[kevfromcoro]

Lets face it, nobody's happy really are they?

[edit] not supposed to be a dig at you Kling.

wot are u talking about.iam 100% happy..no women..got a bike.can drink for breakfast if i want...life is sweet.

[Macktheknife]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex.
It's not a pretty sight but it's a dead givaway to see where their 'real interest lies; your mental well being or the state of their dick. Hope it's the former but don't count on it.
As for you other lot making excuses about the difference of the sexes etc. that's complete and utter crap. The real problem is that you can not keep still long enough to listen. Try expanding your attention span.
Hope all well that ends well.

The sisters are with you.
hmmmm got some baggage have we??????

This is exactly the kind of behaviour that clouds the issue and aggravates the situation, it's called relational blackmail and is extremely unhealthy for all concerned.
I hope your judgement is improving rapidly, long may that be the case.

Guys can be very understanding and supportive and we do our best for those we love, all of them, irrespective of gender. Any woman who cannot see that or chooses to ignore it, does so at her own peril. (not you klingon)


Love the debate this has started.

[NighthawkNZ]

Move away from the computer (no matter how fascinating that KB thread is)


Say what now... :dodge: :gob: :bye: but... but... but...

[Macktheknife]

Aaaw Mack, I do appreciate males' good points... that's what makes them so irrisistable! :love: I didn't mean to focus on male shortcomings by starting this thread, but just to offer some very specific advice for circumstances where they cannot fix the problem and don't know what they can do to help.

I'll be sure to call you if I have any dragons that need to be slayed. :yes:

I know you do! And you have a good man, who I'm sure is doing his best.

PS: Dragon slaying on special this month! even baby ones.

[Laava]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex..

Here is what actually happens; a] If it works, you are with the wrong guy
b]If it doesn't work, you have lost him.
It's called emotional blackmail and NEVER has a positive outcome.

[Curious_AJ]

this is a really good thread... great advice for guys.. though i'm sure for them its really hard to follow at times..

for one, I know how they want to fix stuff and say things like "I wish i could fix this" and as a woman, you wish they could too, often enough, but most of the time, its just not that easy...

you both kind of have to work together to make you feel better... (talking in general terms here)

[janno]

Agree with the "turning off the tap" = "emotional blackmail".

But I think some women resort to that as often men take sex as "it's all right now, problem is over and done with so got off on that one."

All comes back down to clear communication.

Now where's that tinfoil hat to shove on the other half's head when he gets home - turns him into a telepath doncha know . . .

[Trudes]

Noticed my husband hasn't posted in here...
I hand him a bottle of "Hardenthefuckup" and that usually makes him feel better, if not I show him my boobies.:mellow:
Seriously though, I'm surprised at the amount of sensitive wee things there are here that are good boys and girls and try to help, I'm best left to it to get over my hissy fit in silence, then a hug and some humor will normally fix most things.:innocent:

[janno]

haha..u want a couple of those..my wifes just fucked off and left a suitcase full of them...be in oz soon can bring them with me if u like ........ pm me...lol KEV

Wot? Gone again? I thought she had just come back . . .

[Skyryder]

I was in the middle of reading the above then got distracted and now I'm horny (again) so back in ten.......


Ten what? Minutes, seconds, or strokes.

[Zuki Bandit]

Thanks Klingon, this is like the relationship bible! :yes:

[FROSTY]

So whyinheckdoyabotherfriggintellinmeifyadontwantitfi xed?? ---Muttered under the breath as ya stomp out to the gargre after she says NOTHING IS WRONG for the 5th time

[Skyryder]

hmmmm got some baggage have we??????

This is exactly the kind of behaviour that clouds the issue and aggravates the situation, it's called relational blackmail and is extremely unhealthy for all concerned.
I hope your judgement is improving rapidly, long may that be the case.



No blackmail behind my suggestion. Turning of the juice is the best way I know of to get a mans attention. So the gal wants some quality time due to family stress. Don't think that is asking too much, do you. All I'm hearing hear is that it's in guys nature to be indifferent, and making excuses as to how it's not in the nature of a male to be caring for their partner, lover, or wife. I'm surprised that no has thought of bringing home the bacon excuse. It might be more relevent. The man may just be too pooped.

[peasea]

No offence BUT!!!!

If you have to work that hard at a relationship it can't be built on very solid ground IMHO.

My other half and I just get on with things, know when to shut up, know when to 'be there' and do everything together.

There is so little 'effort' involved in our relationship it's scary and (in the darkest corners of what passes for a brain in my skull) I keep thinking there's going to be a big, smelly foot come out of the sky one day and squash it all.

Too much analaysis can ruin things.
I'm enjoying life so much I think I'm going to puke.

[Macktheknife]

All I'm hearing hear is that it's in guys nature to be indifferent, and making excuses as to how it's not in the nature of a male to be caring for their partner, lover, or wife.

If that is all you are hearing then I respectfully suggest you improve your listening skills.

Most, if not all, the real men I know (and those who have posted here) have said nothing of the kind. What has been said in multiple ways is that we are extremely sensitive to our partners upset/emotional distress and frequently at a loss as to how best to help, hence Klingon's original reason for the post, to give guys a bit of a clue as to how to handle it better.
We care deeply when our partners are upset and feel distressed and 'not as useful' if we cannot solve the cause of the upset for them, as one who loves you would want to do.
Responding to that as if we do not care is not only incorrect but insulting and makes matters worse.
Your approach is best described as petulant, "give me what I want or I will remove something pleasurable from your life". If this is truly the best way you have to deal with things, then you have my sympathy, I think you will need it.

[Kendog]

Noticed my husband hasn't posted in here...
I hand him a bottle of "Hardenthefuckup" and that usually makes him feel better, if not I show him my boobies.:mellow:

I am feeling upset right now.


mmmmm, boobies :innocent:

[skelstar]

mmmmm, boobies :innocent:
Does Trudi have a sister? :blip:

[Babelfish]

No offence BUT!!!!

If you have to work that hard at a relationship it can't be built on very solid ground IMHO.

My other half and I just get on with things, know when to shut up, know when to 'be there' and do everything together.

There is so little 'effort' involved in our relationship it's scary and (in the darkest corners of what passes for a brain in my skull) I keep thinking there's going to be a big, smelly foot come out of the sky one day and squash it all.

Too much analaysis can ruin things.
I'm enjoying life so much I think I'm going to puke.

I'm with you....even if you dont own a suit...life is simpler than a LONG list of rules. Although perhaps I help this by not being with a needy tart. In the 15 years that I have shared with my wife I have pissed her off based on those very rules, but comforted her when its counted. Thats the fun of a relationship. Reading those rules just makes me sigh and want to run a mile....or have the afforementioned sex to take my mind of it. :mellow:

Damn it, I almost went all serious then :sick:

[ynot slow]

Ladies seem to have no trouble talking over a coffee or wine about their problems,i.e health, emotions,family problems,it is easy for them to talk.Maybe it's the maternal side in them.

When was the last time a group of guys on a Thursday or Friday night,sat down at the local bar and discussed prostate problems,libido,or similar related problems,if they did the bar would empty,it isn't in our psych to be open about certain things.And top of that list is when the good lady may want a hug or a shoulder to cry on,we mortals can't see it.Mind you if she has got father problems with illness you would have to be a bloody nut not to offer your services which may be needed.Something out of whack if you can't work out why she's pissed off with you,especially if she's told you what's wrong with her parents,and then you ask her what's wrong?Are you upset?Time to get the knife out of your back as you turn and go back to the KB site on events you were reading just prior to her talking.

[xgnr]

Yep sensitive we blokes....

Pillion rings in tears at 7.00pm tonight...(me pulling rear master cylinder apart...thats another story)

"I've just rung over a cat... its flapping around in the middle of the road..." Tears and sobs...

Luckily it was .5 km down the road so I tell her to stay in the car and I will be there soon (BTW this is the middle of Auckland.. Meadowbank)

Tear off down the road with Torch and towel to mop up the blood and secure the flapping cat. Wondering what I will find... omg local kids screaming 'cos pussy's guts is all over the place damn.

Car parked on the side of the road, fogged with the bawling driver clutching the steering wheel... traumatised. Soothing noises, all ok (you know how it goes guys.. or maybe not lol)

Spot a cat fleeing behind the parked car, shit, maybe just stunned I thought... walk a bit further on and there is one dead, squished, possum...

Score ME 1 , Possum 0. Cat pissed off 'cos he was chasing the possum when it ate the tyre and came back for a lick of the carcase..

Pillion hails from the West Coast... I wont tell her dad we had tears over a dead possum... Will save this one for the future :yes:

Best thing is that I am A FUKING legend... after three wines, Pillion suggested that I would just say "chuck it in the gutter and come home" HOW RUDE !

I came through when it counted.... :Punk:

[Devil]

Best thing is that I am A FUKING legend... after three wines, Pillion suggested that I would just say "chuck it in the gutter and come home" HOW RUDE !

I came through when it counted.... :Punk:

Someone's getting some tonight... or a raincheck at least! :innocent:

[Skyryder]

Some guys just don't know how to handle emotion. That's no excuse for not listening.

Hope it all pans out for you Klingon.


Skyryder

[Babelfish]

BJ forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, BJ got up really early.

When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

BJ is not yet well enough to have visitors :bash:

[The Pastor]

yada yada yada somthing about feelings blah blah blah


Ohh look some beer.


SORTED!

[kevfromcoro]

Wot? Gone again? I thought she had just come back . . .

yes..she went and then came back,,and then fucked of again..i have had a guts full...been through a bit of shit..have a look at my thread,,mens rights and the law,.fuck it iam packing as we speak going to thailand to do some bikin..and mischief.......KEV

[peasea]

I'm with you....even if you dont own a suit...life is simpler than a LONG list of rules. Although perhaps I help this by not being with a needy tart. In the 15 years that I have shared with my wife I have pissed her off based on those very rules, but comforted her when its counted. Thats the fun of a relationship. Reading those rules just makes me sigh and want to run a mile....or have the afforementioned sex to take my mind of it. :mellow:

Damn it, I almost went all serious then :sick:

Don't go all serious FFS, you'll ruin everything.

[Edbear]

, if not I show him my boobies.:mellow:
:


Works well for me....

Not that you show me yours, :gob:but my Missus shows me.... Awww! "Hey sweety, you doin' anythin' right now...?:innocent:

[peasea]

yada yada yada somthing about feelings blah blah blah


Ohh look some beer.


SORTED!


Deep and meaningful (not to mention unfunny) as always. With your view being so brown and frothy I'm wondering if you're gay...........

Wondering over.

[Street Gerbil]

I am sorry, lady, but it just doesn't work this way. You can't teach men to act the way you describe any more than you can teach females that forcing a spark plug from a chainsaw into a lawnmower with a pair of pliers is generally a bad idea.

[peasea]

I am sorry, lady, but it just doesn't work this way. You can't teach men to act the way you describe any more than you can teach females that forcing a spark plug from a chainsaw into a lawnmower with a pair of pliers is generally a bad idea.

But it's ok if the spark plug WANTS to change, right?

[Skyryder]

Ladies seem to have no trouble talking over a coffee or wine about their problems,i.e health, emotions,family problems,it is easy for them to talk.Maybe it's the maternal side in them.

When was the last time a group of guys on a Thursday or Friday night,sat down at the local bar and discussed prostate problems,libido,or similar related problems,if they did the bar would empty,it isn't in our psych to be open about certain things.And top of that list is when the good lady may want a hug or a shoulder to cry on,we mortals can't see it.Mind you if she has got father problems with illness you would have to be a bloody nut not to offer your services which may be needed.Something out of whack if you can't work out why she's pissed off with you,especially if she's told you what's wrong with her parents,and then you ask her what's wrong?Are you upset?Time to get the knife out of your back as you turn and go back to the KB site on events you were reading just prior to her talking.

That's exxactly the point I was making. Some men need a wake up call. None of us expect a permanent change. God help us if that happened but there are times when men need to be aware of a womans needs and not many do. Good to see one here knows the score. :love: and green thing.

[rwh]

Hmm. I don't think I'm too bad at most of that stuff. :hug:

Pity I don't have anyone to practice on. :(

... now if the right person was to see those two and put them together ... :whistle:

Richard

[scumdog]

No offence BUT!!!!

If you have to work that hard at a relationship it can't be built on very solid ground IMHO.

My other half and I just get on with things, know when to shut up, know when to 'be there' and do everything together.

There is so little 'effort' involved in our relationship it's scary and (in the darkest corners of what passes for a brain in my skull) I keep thinking there's going to be a big, smelly foot come out of the sky one day and squash it all.

Too much analaysis can ruin things.
I'm enjoying life so much I think I'm going to puke.

Hell!:gob:
Your relationship with you 'other 'alf' sound almost identical to mine - out biggest problems arise when each of us can't figure out what we want to do.
"d'you want to?" "Hmmm, d'you want to?" "I dunno, do YOU want to?"
We seem to think alike so often it's scary:yes:
No stress, no effort involved, we just flow.

[Gremlin]

Honestly... my perception is females love to talk about problems... just talk, it makes them feel better.

Your average male is a blunt guy... he talks about it to get to a solution. What other point is there? Its our nature, when there is a problem, to find a solution. No more problem, and life is happy again.

Now, I'll just find a female to test this all on... :dodge:

[kerfufflez]

Step IV: Pay attention to her physical state

If she seems cold, offer to get her a blanket or a jacket

[/LIST]

Sorry to hear about your situation, and no offence is intended, but that one is ridiculous! Women are adults, dont act so feeble! If you're cold, do something about it yourself, i.e get your own jacket.

I've got mental images of shivering waifs whining in the corner, but 'nothing' is wrong. No wonder blokes bolt for the nearest exit.

[Holy Roller]

Sorry to hear about your situation, and no offence is intended, but that one is ridiculous! Women are adults, dont act so feeble! If you're cold, do something about it yourself, i.e get your own jacket.

I've got mental images of shivering waifs whining in the corner, but 'nothing' is wrong. No wonder blokes bolt for the nearest exit.

Its showing one cares for the other.

[kro]

I can appreciate you going through hard times, but deal with one issue at a time, your Dad is the main focus at the moment, and you can give your man "SNAG" lessons later, or you're just going to overload yourself.

Stay civil, and patient with the man, and let him at least try to do something to help. At least he is trying, you're getting more than a lot of less fortunate women do from some of the no hopers out there.

When the time comes, it will be beneficial to realise that not everything in the world has to be bent to the way women want it, make some changes of your own to bend your personality to his needs, and not have it all one sided to you.

That's just my 2C

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Dads rock, and this will be hard, hence my advice.

[Beemer]

Sorry to hear about your dad, been there, done that.

I'm lucky because my husband is brilliant all-round. He may not be able to do anything practical to help when I am upset or facing a big problem, but he is always there for me and offers support in many ways. It may be a back rub, a bottle of wine, cooking dinner, doing the housework, or buying me a little treat - and he's always there to talk about things. I wouldn't swap him for the world. He's like that with his friends and family too, so we're all lucky to know him.

[Krusti]

I don't think it is possible to expect the same from one person to the next.

Finding the right partner is very similar to buying a new bike, we need to find one that suits our own personal needs and what suits one won't suit the other.

From my experiance anyway.

[janno]

Sorry to hear about your dad, been there, done that.

I'm lucky because my husband is brilliant all-round. He may not be able to do anything practical to help when I am upset or facing a big problem, but he is always there for me and offers support in many ways. It may be a back rub, a bottle of wine, cooking dinner, doing the housework, or buying me a little treat - and he's always there to talk about things. I wouldn't swap him for the world. He's like that with his friends and family too, so we're all lucky to know him.

Dammit, when are they going to get a move on with that human cloning . . . (I take it he's also great in the scratcher? :innocent:)

[mikey]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex

The sisters are with you.

end up with a butch lesbo, or owrse, END UP A BUTCH LESBO.

[Deviant Esq]

Re initial post: Some of us don't need training (we were perfect to start with!). Not common for a male I'll agree, but there are some of us blokes around who are able to talk about our feelings, and listen to yours... and actually want to know what they are. Communication is key to any relationship... some people just have different ways of communicating. Safe bet though: we have two ears and one mouth, use proportionally. :)

[slowpoke]

Hmmm, sorry to hear of your recent woes but I can't help but feel you are generalising a tad too much.
This "women are great communicators, men are not" line is wearing a bit thin I reckon. Take each person on their merits and treat him/her as an individual with individual ways of dealing with confrontation/problems/trauma/crises etc.
If you would like your partner to react in a particular way to information you are imparting then tell him/her before you impart it.
Life is full of kicks in the guts, sometimes you can fight back, some times you just have to wear it. Expecting your partner to know each and every time which ones you choose to fight or let slide is living a fairytale. On the other hand if you communicate your intentions then they'll have a much greater chance of doing the right thing and a much greater chance of winning the battles you intend to fight.

[Beemer]

Dammit, when are they going to get a move on with that human cloning . . . (I take it he's also great in the scratcher? :innocent:)

I no complain! AND he cleans my bike! :yes:

[F5 Dave]

If that is all you are hearing then I respectfully suggest you improve your listening skills.
. . .
Your approach is best described as petulant, "give me what I want or I will remove something pleasurable from your life". If this is truly the best way you have to deal with things, then you have my sympathy, I think you will need it.

Mack the knife, you put the knife in so eloquently it's beautiful. I think her comments enraged quite a few but I don't think I could add anything to that.

Anyways condolences. Not wanting to threadjack too much by changing the premiss, but I was lying awake thinking last night along the lines of "Wimin are queer blokes" One thing that amazes me is the over analysis of issues that guys would shrug off & forget. What someone says or does can upset to the core even if it is a misunderstanding & without malice. Women often seem to cling onto this to have something to be unhappy about. Whether it was a fight with a workmate or something their mother used to say to them as a kid.

Why hold onto this stuff? it only ends up making you unhappy :scratch:

[chanceyy]

Hmm. I don't think I'm too bad at most of that stuff. :hug:

Pity I don't have anyone to practice on. :(

... now if the right person was to see those two and put them together ... :whistle:

Richard

there is always checking out the "other" site .. LOL You might get lucky :D

[James Deuce]

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=53103

Ka Pow!

[Grahameeboy]

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=53103

Ka Pow!


Zap.......ka bang.......

[NotaGoth]

He ignores me.. Til I throw a few things.. Have a cry.. And hopefully get over whatevers wrong...

:confused:

[jafar]

In my experiance the only way to get a man's attention is to turn off the sex.

It's not a pretty sight but it's a dead givaway to see where their 'real interest lies; your mental well being or the state of their dick. Hope it's the former but don't count on it.

As for you other lot making excuses about the difference of the sexes etc. that's complete and utter crap. The real problem is that you can not keep still long enough to listen. Try expanding your attention span.

Hope all well that ends well.

The sisters are with you.

This tactic is one of the many reasons there is a brothel in every town. Strange how men will run to another woman when their own one has "turned off the sex".......
Is this your best advice ? If it is then I pity your man

[Macktheknife]

That's exactly the point I was making. Some men need a wake up call. None of us expect a permanent change. God help us if that happened but there are times when men need to be aware of a womans needs and not many do. Good to see one here knows the score. :love: and green thing.

Really????
You do love to over-generalise don't you...

Being aware of the needs, does not equal being sufficiently equipped to offer the 'desired' response. Nor does it equate to caring if we do supply the desired response.
Men are different, and have different ways of dealing with stress, and anyone who does not recognise that is really not paying attention.
We do the best we can with what we have, and with what we have learned works to improve things. I have never, ever heard a man say, "I turn off the sex if I don't get the response I want", purely and simply because we know that is totally missing the point and likely to make matters worse.

[Storm]

I no complain! AND he cleans my bike! :yes:

Can he give my wife lessons on how to clean a goose?


(Before you all go nuclear-PT)

[007XX]

This tactic is one of the many reasons there is a brothel in every town. Strange how men will run to another woman when their own one has "turned off the sex".......


Sadly enough, this is a good point!

Confucious says:
"Man put in dog box will soon be found in cat house!":(

I make sure my Hubby gets the best meals at home, so he never feels like takeaways and always comes home for dinner!:innocent::2thumbsup

Sex should most definitely not be used as leverage in an argument.

[Littleman]

How outrageous.... men offering solutions to problems...curse us, curse us and our irrational methods....

[Beemer]

Can he give my wife lessons on how to clean a goose?

(Before you all go nuclear-PT)

Sorry, it's obviously a man's job! But if your wife could give my husband lessons on noticing dust and how to remove it, you'd have a deal!

[NighthawkNZ]

I get her a coffee and then say "get over it..." :slap: but give a hugg tho.. :)

it works

[sidecar bob]

After reading post#1 im pleased to be single.
FFS, Operating a nuclear sub would be simpler.
I mean, "Stop doing the dishes", "Stop preparing food" If that sounds like you, youre ass is owned you poor cunt.

[klingon]

"Stop doing the dishes", "Stop preparing food" If that sounds like you, youre ass is owned you poor cunt.

sidecar bob, in a relationship where both people are working full time, do you think the male should do less than half of the cooking and cleaning? If so, why? He's an adult, not a helpless child.

It has been interesting following this thread. The reason for the initial post was that I realised that my partner (and other men I have known, including my father) simply don't know what women want from them when the woman is upset. I do appreciate it when men help by solving a problem. In the case of a dying parent, there is simply no way my partner can solve the problem. There will be many times in a man's life when he cannot fix something, and feels lost about what he can do to help ease his partner's pain.

I could have written "we want you to listen" or "we want affection" but for many men that is not enough. I suspect that a woman's definition of 'listening' or 'affection' is often different to a man's definition.

So I wrote some specifics, hoping they may help others when a woman in their life is going through a stressful time and her loving partner can't 'fix' the problem and simply doesn't know what to do next.

And by the way, this is by no means one-sided. When my partner was going through a grieving process about a year ago, I supported him the best way I could. I wished at the time that someone could have written some instructions that said "this is what to do when a man you love is grieving." I still hope someone will write them.

[sidecar bob]

Truth is Klingon, i followed your instructions to the letter for five years while running a business, my partner didnt work, & had a housemaid & gardener & everything that opened & shut, & treated me like shit all under the guise of post natal depression.
Be fucked if im ever going down that road again.
They can either harden the fuck up, or piss off.

[MSTRS]

Truth is Klingon, i followed your instructions to the letter for five years while running a business, my partner didnt work, & had a housemaid & gardener & everything that opened & shut, & treated me like shit all under the guise of post natal depression.
Be fucked if im ever going down that road again.
They can either harden the fuck up, or piss off.

That's rough and no doubt more common than one would think. From either sex.
Thing is, if the situation is genuine then we males 'could' be a little more empathic at times without loosing that which makes us manly. Staunch is good for stopping bleeding, but....

[jonbuoy]

Truth is Klingon, i followed your instructions to the letter for five years while running a business, my partner didnt work, & had a housemaid & gardener & everything that opened & shut, & treated me like shit all under the guise of post natal depression.
Be fucked if im ever going down that road again.
They can either harden the fuck up, or piss off.

Your not wrong there - being Mr sensitive all the time will get you screwed over.
Equality, men and women are equal - means you can stand on your own two feet and not play the teary eyed emotional wreck to get your own way.

[Reckless]

Looks like some of the lads that have sat on the sidelines possibly due to not wanting to post because the loss of your father are starting to loose a bit of patience. Easy boys!!!!

It was really hard when I lost my mother, but it'll come right. Be careful not to harm the only other man you care about in your grief. You might need him!

I suspect if me and that poor insenitive hubby of yours went for a beer. He might be saying:

"Shivers mate my wife recently lost her dad. I really love her, but jeepers life is not easy. I'm doing heaps of extra jobs to try and let her grieve and helping out extra with the kids etc. You know I'm doing my best in my own bumbling way. But what ever I do is, well, never quite the correct thing. Shit I'm finding it hard I really liked her dad as well. You know she even posted a thread on the net on how I'm so bloody inadequate at all this emotional stuff. There's even women suggesting I shouldn't get any loving to teach me a lesson. How bad is that!!!!"

[James Deuce]

Still going I see. I must be very lucky or something.

[janno]

I don't really think the whole debate can be broken down in to male/female habits and expectations - to me it's more about if your partner is selfish and thoughtless or not.

And those traits are throughout both genders, probably in equal proportions.

Just as many obnoxious, greedy arsewipely dishonest men out there as there are women. Unfortunately.

I think we should all buy rainbow bumper stickers and instigate group hugs - that will save the world . . . :innocent:

[jonbuoy]

Looks like some of the lads that have sat on the sidelines possibly due to not wanting to post because the loss of your father are starting to loose a bit of patience. Easy boys!!!!

It was really hard when I lost my mother, but it'll come right. Be careful not to harm the only other man you care about in your grief. You might need him!

I suspect if me and that poor insenitive hubby of yours went for a beer. He might be saying:

"Shivers mate my wife recently lost her dad. I really love her, but jeepers life is not easy. I'm doing heaps of extra jobs to try and let her grieve and helping out extra with the kids etc. You know I'm doing my best in my own bumbling way. But what ever I do is, well, never quite the correct thing. Shit I'm finding it hard I really liked her dad as well. You know she even posted a thread on the net on how I'm so bloody inadequate at all this emotional stuff. There's even women suggesting I shouldn't get any loving to teach me a lesson. How bad is that!!!!"

I didn't read the thread/realise that was the reason for the upset which would totally justify a teary eyed emotional breakdown. :o

[Macktheknife]

I wished at the time that someone could have written some instructions that said "this is what to do when a man you love is grieving." I still hope someone will write them.

Here you go Klingon...
show up naked, bring lotsa beer! lol.


just kidding

[klingon]

Here you go Klingon...
show up naked, bring lotsa beer! lol.


just kidding

Thanks Mack. So men really are that simple then.

[Macktheknife]

Truth is Klingon, i followed your instructions to the letter for five years while running a business, my partner didnt work, & had a housemaid & gardener & everything that opened & shut, & treated me like shit all under the guise of post natal depression.
Be fucked if im ever going down that road again.
They can either harden the fuck up, or piss off.

Hey Bob,
given your experience there, I would be pretty pissed off too. Might be worth remembering that a good woman may still be in your future, remember to cut her some slack when you meet her. You are right though, no-one who loves you should treat you like shit.
cheers
Mack

[Macktheknife]

Thanks Mack. So men really are that simple then.

No not at all, but that will certainly take our mind off whatever is troubling us, lol.

[sidecar bob]

Hey Bob,
given your experience there, I would be pretty pissed off too. Might be worth remembering that a good woman may still be in your future, remember to cut her some slack when you meet her. You are right though, no-one who loves you should treat you like shit.
cheers
Mack

Cheers for the encouragement Mack, im sure there is a nice woman in my future somtime & if she treats me like gold it will be returned tenfold.

[doc]

Cheers for the encouragement Mack, im sure there is a nice woman in my future somtime & if she treats me like gold it will be returned tenfold.Sorry mate. There are no perfect women.

[janno]

Sorry mate. There are no perfect women.

Yes there are. They come out of the same factory as the perfect men . . . :innocent:

[doc]

Yes there are. They come out of the same factory as the perfect men . . . :innocent:
Well I'm still looking.

[sidecar bob]

Sorry mate. There are no perfect women.

Oh yeah, really? i have a list of them on my profile, And the best thing about them is that even though the RSV has been getting the most attention lately, the others are fine with it.:yes::scooter:

[98tls]

Cheers for the encouragement Mack, im sure there is a nice woman in my future somtime & if she treats me like gold it will be returned tenfold. See theres ya problem bob.......you havent learnt your lesson from the first one..........:innocent:

[scrivy]

Shit Bob,
The amount of moola you've spent on woman in the last few years, you'd be better off paying for hookers!!! They may have their hang-ups too, but they don't push it onto you while you're with them!!............ :yes::yes:
.......... either that, or just sit infront of the computer and tug it......:shutup: that would be another way to save ya money.....:shit: (and ya ear bashings also....) :Punk:

[Reckless]

I didn't read the thread/realise that was the reason for the upset which would totally justify a teary eyed emotional breakdown. :o

How did you get tears, emotional breakdown outa that, I didn't mention them and have never experianced it either. Just tryin to give it from the possible perspective of the bloke.

Secondly guys thanks for all the bling, didn't write it fir that!!

[Goblin]

Cheers for the encouragement Mack, im sure there is a nice woman in my future somtime & if she treats me like gold it will be returned tenfold.Here's a hint Bob, If her opinion differs from yours, it does not equate to verbal abuse or delusional ramblings. Her opinion has merit too, although you might not be able to see it. :sunny:
Good luck! ;)