Best opening paragraphs

[Sanx]

If, like me, you pick up a book in a book store and read the back, then read the first page then you'll appreciate the art of a good opening paragraph. So, what's the best one you've seen?

My favourite:

"Was there anything quite so under-rated in this shallow, plastic, global-corporate, tall-skinny-latte, kiddy-meal-and-a-toy, united-colours-of-fuck-you-too world, than a good old-fashioned, no-frills, retail blow job?"

The second paragraph's as good:

"It was one of the very few consumer transactions left in which you really did get what you paid for, no more and no less. No packaging, no marketing, no fake smiles, no on-the-door greeters, no aspirational lifestyle kudos; just functional, dispassionate cock-sucking for a pre-agreed flat fee."

Bling for the first person that recognises the book...

[Grub]

"It was 20 seconds from touch-down when the Captain died at the Boeing 747's contols"

Short, sharp and gripping

[Steam]

Bling for the first person that recognises the book...

Without using google, something by Chuck Palahniuk?

[xwhatsit]

There's a competition, isn't there, for the worst opening paragraph in novel-writing? They hold it every year. Romance and spy novels feature highly on the list.

EDIT: Ahah! Here we go. http://www.innocentenglish.com/funny-dumb-quotes-questions-sayings/novel-writing-contest-4.html

It's called the Bulwer-Lytton literary contest (Bulwer-Lytton was a writer who first used `It was a dark and stormy night' to open a book :lol:).


Yet again Imelda was exacerbated, or at least she assumed she was, as she was never sure exactly what the term meant though when she felt bloated and crampy as she was now, she was pretty sure she was, exacerbated that is.

[Steam]

Without using google, something by Chuck Palahniuk?
No, I take that back, it's not.
How about this though:

"Tyler gets me a job as a waiter, after that Tyler's pushing a gun in my mouth and saying, the first step to eternal life is you have to die."
Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk.

[Big Dave]

Easy.

<img src="http://homepage.mac.com/david_cohen_design/.Pictures/misc2/snoopy_writer.jpg">

Suddenly a shot rang out and a pirate ship appeared on the horizon.

[Krayy]

..."Was there anything quite so under-rated in this shallow, plastic, global-corporate, tall-skinny-latte, kiddy-meal-and-a-toy, united-colours-of-fuck-you-too world, than a good old-fashioned, no-frills, retail blow job?"...
Sounds like Christopher Brookmyre's style. As a guess, "A big boy did it and ran away"?

[Krayy]

And a joke on the subject......

Q. How would you describe the worst blow job you ever had?
A. EXCELLENT!!!!!

[ManDownUnder]

"The house stood on the edge of a slight rise just on the edge of the village. It stood on its own and looked out over a broad spread of West Country farmland. Not a remarkable house by any means - it was about thirty years old, squattish, squarish, made of brick, and had four windows set in the front of a size and proportion which more or less exactly failed to please the eye."

[vifferman]

"The house stood on the edge of a slight rise just on the edge of the village. It stood on its own and looked out over a broad spread of West Country farmland. Not a remarkable house by any means - it was about thirty years old, squattish, squarish, made of brick, and had four windows set in the front of a size and proportion which more or less exactly failed to please the eye."
That looks familiar - what is it?

As for the quote that started this, if I hadn't given up and googled it, I would've suggested a Tim Dorsey novel.

[Steam]

That looks familiar - what is it?
Hitch hikers guide to the Galaxy! That's Arthur's house. Soon to be Ex-house. Ex-planet, for that matter.

[Macktheknife]

The Sacred art of stealing, Chris someoneorother.

[Krayy]

The Sacred art of stealing, Chris someoneorother.
Googler :shutup:

[Hitcher]

Ah, yes, it was a beautiful face with skin smoother than pumice and breath fresher than a 25-day-old tuna sandwich stored for safe keeping in an Upper Hutt schoolgirl’s lunchbox, and I found myself beset, nay, overcome, with twin urges: to ravish her there and then on the cash register, or to slough off the skin of my calloused feet on the stubble of her chin.

[Skyryder]

She had a pair of tits the size of haystacks. Large and golden brown. Crumpet I thought. Yes. Already saliva was drooling from my mouth as I reached over for the honey.


Skyryder

[Sanx]

Sounds like Christopher Brookmyre's style. As a guess, "A big boy did it and ran away"?

Close...


"The house stood on the edge of a slight rise just on the edge of the village. It stood on its own and looked out over a broad spread of West Country farmland. Not a remarkable house by any means - it was about thirty years old, squattish, squarish, made of brick, and had four windows set in the front of a size and proportion which more or less exactly failed to please the eye."

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

[Krayy]

The Sacred art of stealing, Chris someoneorother.
Arseholes...this has been grating on me all the way home....

What's the damn point of googling the text then posting half a fricking solution..."Chris Somoneorother"...if you'd ever read any of his books you'd remember his f***g name and not ruin the solution of the post for the rest of us.

You'd probably say that it's probably up to the initial poster to say "No Googling bastards allowed", but I would suggest that it be implied rather than requested.

And if you want to prove that you have read the book, answer these questions:

1) How many robberies were in the book and where were they?

2) What was the significance of the colours green and blue in the escape plan from the 1st robbery?

3) What was meant to be and actually was in the object of the last robbery?

4) What was Angeliques nickname at school?

[Macktheknife]

Arseholes...this has been grating on me all the way home....


Jeezus dude calm down, maybe you need a holiday or something.

[Sanx]

1) How many robberies were in the book and where were they?

2) What was the significance of the colours green and blue in the escape plan from the 1st robbery?

3) What was meant to be and actually was in the object of the last robbery?

4) What was Angeliques nickname at school?

1) Several alluded to, but only two detailed. One in a bank, one in an art museum, both in Glasgow.

2) Rangers and Celtic shirts.

3) Was meant to be a sculpture containing several kilos of Columbia's finest. It actually contained several kilos of shit.

4) Many nicknames, but mainly 'chocolate drop'.

Fantasic book, guys - go read it. And then the other nine he's written.

[ManDownUnder]

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?


OOOOOH YEAH!!!!!!! :niceone:

[Beemer]

I have another Peanuts one in the same vein as Big Dave's, with Snoopy typing a story:

"The light mist turned to rain.
The rain turned to snow.
The story turned to boring."

I also have one with Lucy reading one of Snoopy's stories:

"I just can't believe how stupid your stories are! In fact I can't see anything good at all about your writing!"
His response is:
"I have neat margins..."

[peasea]

If, like me, you pick up a book in a book store and read the back, then read the first page then you'll appreciate the art of a good opening paragraph. So, what's the best one you've seen?

My favourite:

"Was there anything quite so under-rated in this shallow, plastic, global-corporate, tall-skinny-latte, kiddy-meal-and-a-toy, united-colours-of-fuck-you-too world, than a good old-fashioned, no-frills, retail blow job?"

The second paragraph's as good:

"It was one of the very few consumer transactions left in which you really did get what you paid for, no more and no less. No packaging, no marketing, no fake smiles, no on-the-door greeters, no aspirational lifestyle kudos; just functional, dispassionate cock-sucking for a pre-agreed flat fee."

Bling for the first person that recognises the book...

Noddy meets Big Ears?

[Skyryder]

"It was one of the very few consumer transactions left in which you really did get what you paid for, no more and no less. No packaging, no marketing, no fake smiles, no on-the-door greeters, no aspirational lifestyle kudos; just functional, dispassionate cock-sucking for a pre-agreed flat fee."


Sounds a bit like the Happy Hooker by Xavier Holland. I think that was her name. Somit like that.


Skyryder.

[Sanx]

Another classic opening chapter from Mr Brookmyre. This time from A Big Boy Did It And Ran Away. Here's a taster:

SSCs. Death was to good for them.
Seriously.
These fuckers deserved to live forever. The sleepwalking surburban slave classes in their Wimpey mock-Tudor penal colonies. A jail that needed no walls because the inmates had ben brainwashed into believing they wanted to be there. Incarceration by aspiration, all the time mindlessly propogating and self-replicating, passing on their submissive DNA to the nest generation of of glazed-eyed prisoners.
And every day they'd get up and pray that emancipation never came: 'Dear Lord, protect us from uniqueness. Grant unto us eternal conformity, and deliver us from distinction. Amen.'
There was one up his arse right then, flashing the headlights on his MX3, the bloke's eyes windeing and nostrils flairing in time with the admonitory illuminations. An absolute fanny. Risking his life in an attemt to overtake before the crawler lane ends, so he'll be one car - one car - up the queue when he reaches the traffic lights. And what did that tell you about the life he was risking?
Exactly.
Surburban Sad Cunts. This was the real reason for road rage. It wasn't a symptom of growing traffic cingestion (though it shared the single car-usage factor), it was that this was the closest they got to defiance, the last ghostly remnant of the will to assert some identity.

...

We would never car-pool. The SSC would rather sit in tailbacks every day, waiting for that brief moment when he can put the foot down and pretend he's going somewhere important, womehwere he wants to go, and fast. That power surge borrowed from the engine, the feel of the steering wheel in his hands, and Bryan Adams on the stereo. In that moment, he's cool as fuck: he's a secret agent, a maverick detective, an assassin, a terrorist. As opposed to an insurance adjuster.
What never occured to him was that, if they existed, the secret agent, the maverick detective, the assassin and the terrorist would actually be driving some nondescript SurburbanSadCuntmobile, because they needed to blend in. Sure, they maybe frove something flashier on their days off, but you could bet it wasn't a fucking Mazda. And you could bet they weren't fantasising about being a family-man wage-serf while they burned rubber.
The SSC's fantasies are uniform and predictable because he has no imagination. He needs advertising to do his imagining for him. That's why, bereft of independent opinion or any informed sense of judgement, he thinks Denise Richards is sexy, that Sony make good hi-fi equipment and that drinking Becks makes him cooler than the bloke next to him with a pint of heavy. That;s why he thinks he looks like a different guy driving the family six-seater than at the controls of his overpriced (and paradoxically worth every penny) ego-chariot. He thinks assassins and terrorists tool around in sports cars, and if you asked him what kind of motor Death would drive, (after you told him a hearse was too literal) he'd probably describe the vehicle of his ultimate fantasies, styled, of course, in black. A lamborghini Countach or Ferrari Testarossa, or maybe some minor variation of the Batmobile; a sleek, powerful, dark and incomparably macho machine.
And he'd be wrong. Miles out.
Death would drive an Espace.
He'd drive an SSC family slave-wagon just to underline that the life He was taking away wasn't worth living anyway; with plenty of seats in the back for the next generation when their turn came.

...

A grim smile crept across his face as he recognised the song currently playing, the new chart-topping single by EGF. It was the standard homogenous Euro-dance number, another near-identical slice off this endless turb that was being shat out of the Low Countries via the Mediteranean teen-copulation colonies.
EGF. It stood for Eindhoven Groove Factory. Seriously. There had been a time, not so long ago, when if you had any ambitions for a career in the music biz, being from continental Europe was something you had to keep quiet, unless you were Einsturzende Neubaten and quite clearly too mental to care. It was commerical and credibility suicide. You just couldn't be from Europe and expect to sell records in the UK or US, the two biggest music markets.
The Scandinavians were inexplicably tolerated, benefitting perhaps from a cultural exemption that owed little to geography and a lot to a natural preponderance of strapping blondes. From Abba to The Cardigans, via Roxette and Ace of Bass, it had never hurt the album sales to have a frontwoman who was blonde with legs up to her head. At least you had to give the Scans some credit for having sussed that this was the only recipe viable for export.

...

The latest (culminatory, as far as he was concerned) infestation was EGF, and their inexplicably ubiquitous (it's really big in the clubs!) 'song', Ibiza Devil Groove.
There was never much to differentiate the work of any particular bunch of these mindless fuckers from that of their peers, but EGF has nonetheless managed the unlikely feat of truly distinguishing themselves in his eyes and ears. They had done this through their choice of which obligatory past standard to sample from (in lieu of spending two minutes coming up with a hook, or even a lyric). Not for them an old Andy Summers riff or Topper Headon beat; Eindhoven's finest had built the summer's biggest smash around the chorus of Cliff Richard's Devil Woman.
Rock and fucking Roll.


There's another really good bit a couple of paragraphs down, but my fingers are getting tired and I wouldn't want to spoil it for you all when you go out and buy it.

[Drum]

"We were somewhere near Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like 'I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive . . .' And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: 'Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals!?' "

[ManDownUnder]

Right ya bastards.... here's a goodun for ya!

Google or no... NAME THIS BOOK!

Bling for the first correct answer

"Imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagtination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic to the point of fanatacism, there you have me in a nutshell, and kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change"

GO ON I CHALLENGE YA! :tugger:

[Skyryder]

Right ya bastards.... here's a goodun for ya!

Google or no... NAME THIS BOOK!

Bling for the first correct answer

"Imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagtination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic to the point of fanatacism, there you have me in a nutshell, and kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change"

GO ON I CHALLENGE YA! :tugger:

De Sade, M.

[janno]

"We were somewhere near Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like 'I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive . . .' And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: 'Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals!?' "

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?

[ManDownUnder]

De Sade, M.

Author yes... but the name of the book please...

[Maha]

Author yes... but the name of the book please...

Done a bit of research...its called..'007XX Wrestles a Panther'....:innocent:

[ManDownUnder]

Done a bit of research...its called..'007XX Wrestles a Panther'....:innocent:

Remarkably close... but no banana (ooooo that pun is better than I meant it to be...!)

[Skyryder]

Author yes... but the name of the book please...


It's a guess but it could be Justine. I've only read bits and peices of de Sades works. Not realy my tast. The Story of O by Anne Declose while not as well written as de Sade is in much the same catorgory; debauchery, sadism etc of woman.

Skyryder

[Biff]

If, like me, you pick up a book in a book store and read the back, then read the first page then you'll appreciate the art of a good opening paragraph. So, what's the best one you've seen?

My favourite:

"Was there anything quite so under-rated in this shallow, plastic, global-corporate, tall-skinny-latte, kiddy-meal-and-a-toy, united-colours-of-fuck-you-too world, than a good old-fashioned, no-frills, retail blow job?"

The second paragraph's as good:

"It was one of the very few consumer transactions left in which you really did get what you paid for, no more and no less. No packaging, no marketing, no fake smiles, no on-the-door greeters, no aspirational lifestyle kudos; just functional, dispassionate cock-sucking for a pre-agreed flat fee."

Bling for the first person that recognises the book...

Something by Irvine Welsh - The Wasp Factory perhaps?

[vifferman]

Fantasic book, guys - go read it. And then the other nine he's written.
I did! Or rather, 'I am'! And I'm really enjoying it. If you hadn't started this thread, I probably wouldn't have.

I didn't realise I'd already read his, "Boiling a Frog", so maybe that wasn't as entertaining.

[ManDownUnder]

It's a guess but it could be Justine. I've only read bits and peices of de Sades works. Not realy my tast. The Story of O by Anne Declose while not as well written as de Sade is in much the same catorgory; debauchery, sadism etc of woman.

Skyryder

120 days of Sodom...

[Hitcher]

120 days of Sodom...

My sphincter tightened.

[ManDownUnder]

My sphincter tightened.

You'll need lube then.

I am concerned at how rapidly you responded to the mere mention of Sodom... your Mod superpowers working overtime, or just a personal interest?

[007XX]

Done a bit of research...its called..'007XX Wrestles a Panther'....:innocent:

Why you little...!!!:shit:

:laugh:would you like to share with the class how you came to that interesting conclusion???:yes:

I , for one, would be most interested...:yes::whistle::innocent:

[ManDownUnder]

Something by Irvine Welsh - The Wasp Factory perhaps?


LOL.... I thought that was Iain Banks ... a very sick book Biffy... I can't imagine you'd have read it right through (more than 4 or 5 times)

[Toaster]

Jeezus dude calm down, maybe you need a holiday or something.

I reckon mate geez!!! Someone musta fell out of the funny tree and hit their head on the way down.

[Biff]

LOL.... I thought that was Iain Banks ... a very sick book Biffy... I can't imagine you'd have read it right through (more than 4 or 5 times)

Doh!! You're right! Although unless you understand lowland Scots slang, it's almost impossible to understand. And I only read it the once. He;s one sick dude.

[Maha]

Why you little...!!!:shit:

:laugh:would you like to share with the class how you came to that interesting conclusion???:yes:



Hell i have know idea..seemed the right thing to say at the time, was just trying to help Ned with the book title i think?.... or was it the Girl on Girl action ?... cant recall.....:innocent:

[007XX]

Hell i have know idea..seemed the right thing to say at the time, was just trying to help Ned with the book title i think?.... or was it the Girl on Girl action ?... cant recall.....:innocent:

:laugh:They do say that memorie loss occurs with old age...Sorry Dude! alzheimer is setting in it would seem...:innocent:

[Maha]

:laugh:They do say that memorie loss occurs with old age...Sorry Dude! alzheimer is setting in it would seem...:innocent:

Contradistinction springs to mind, indeed some would arguably agree with you, i tend not to let such an idiosyncratic mind altering temprament get in the way of my judgement....now my brain hurts...:yes:

[007XX]

Contradistinction springs to mind, indeed some would arguably agree with you, i tend not to let such an idiosyncratic mind altering temprament get in the way of my judgement....now my brain hurts...:yes:

Nice!:laugh:Don't hurt yourself though...everything in moderation, even moderation itself...

[Toaster]

everything in moderation, even moderation itself...

nah... screw that! Life is too short :innocent:

[ManDownUnder]

Hell i have know idea..seemed the right thing to say at the time, was just trying to help Ned with the book title i think?.... or was it the Girl on Girl action ?... cant recall.....:innocent:

... oh you can be my friend... (not man love here... I'm more of a "beers for the boys" type...)

now... back to that girl/girl thing you mentioned...

[007XX]

... oh you can be my friend... (not man love here... I'm more of a "beers for the boys" type...)

now... back to that girl/girl thing you mentioned...

Right, that's it...now I have just GOT to post a picture...Sorry Marsha!!!
But it is in context with MDU's latest query:innocent:

[007XX]

Oh crap...I forgot to rate the pic...How the heck do you censore it after you've posted it...???

Mods, I'm sorry!!!

[ManDownUnder]

Right, that's it...now I have just GOT to post a picture...Sorry Marsha!!!
But it is in context with MDU's latest query:innocent:

FAR CANAL!

[Hitcher]

Any attempts to remind himself of his matrimonial state were negated by the sensation of a young nubile uvula dancing provocatively against the end of his engorged member. “Late for dinner again,” he mused, as his agile companion wiped her tantalisingly full ruby lips with her index finger.

[Sanx]

Any attempts to remind himself of his matrimonial state were negated by the sensation of a young nubile uvula dancing provocatively against the end of his engorged member. “Late for dinner again,” he mused, as his agile companion wiped her tantalisingly full ruby lips with her index finger.

"Motorcycle Engine Tuning for Beginners?"

[Hitcher]

"Motorcycle Engine Tuning for Beginners?"

Correct. Chapter three: Manifold sins and wickedness.