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Paul in NZ
21st September 2004, 18:03
OK.... You all sitting comfortably?

This story is a mish mash of stuff.... Some of it's even true...

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The Home Mechanic

There is nothing like the warm feeling you get from doing your own repairs and servicing….

Winter in the southern town where I grew up was often a dreary old affair. True, there were regularly bright, clear sunny days after a hard frost. But you could always count on a couple of fortnights where all it seemed to do was rain, sleet, rain, interspersed with drizzle, mist and if you were lucky, snow. The grayness of the old stone buildings seemed to meld into the grey dreary skies blanketing the city with a depressing dampness and an ever pervading cold. During these times, the prime concern of all the dwellers of our slightly ‘down at heel’ neighborhood was keeping dry, warm and trying to prevent the rising damp in our threadbare walls from totally taking over the whole house.

Such are the teenage joys of a student life…..

Of course on the up side! We didn’t need the fridge to keep the beer cold!

We were all keen motorcyclists in our flat. Being poor students we naturally owned the most rundown collection of 2 wheeled transport ever seen. On a good day you could have almost made a decent bike from the lot of them!!

Mark, the longest resident and acknowledged ‘leader of the flat’ had the ‘sunny’ room, Andy had the ‘coldest’ room and as the second longest resident of the flat I had managed to grab the old ‘front’ room as my bedroom. While the bigger front room was difficult to heat it had the advantage of its own open fireplace. Being an old house with big rooms and us having no structure worthy of the title garage, (well not after Mark drove his 39 Ford through the back of it after fixing the brakes) our motorcycles lived inside the house with us. I could lie in bed in my massive bedroom and watch the yellow firelight flickering in the hearth and reflecting on the remnants of chrome of whatever old wreck was currently being persuaded to carry me about the city. Pink Floyd would be warbling away on the trusty Three in One Stereo system, the lusty smell of 90W gear oil and a small heap of tools. I thought that life could be no finer than this!

To maintain this glorious state of bliss, obtaining things to burn (at a reasonable price) had become quite an obsession. Old furniture, trees, beer crates, anything, as long as it was dry (ish) cheap and combustible, onto the fire it went. On a typical cold winters evening, around the smoking, smoldering pile in the hearth we would huddle, shivering into the traditional motley collection of old armchairs and sofas (non-combustible) found in student flats and turgid dungeons the world over.

Keeping the bikes inside led to some pretty interesting party accidents and some remarkable memories. Like the night I finished a top end rebuild on my girlfriends Triumph while my flat mate was wooing his new girlfriend in his bedroom. She was not amused when I fired it up for a test run and I guess the open pipes were only romantic to other petrol heads! Still I suppose there are not many people that have been run down by an electric blue Triumph Speed Twin in their hallway! Amid the screaming, she tried to blame me but the reality was that she did rush out into the hallway unexpectedly and without indicating!!

These being all older machines, there were also some other fairly interesting goings on, sometimes with dire consequences!

One particularly cold winters evening Mark decided that it was time to give his disgusting T500 ‘Titan’ Suzuki a tune up. Normally this would be a grand idea but since Mark had about as much common sense as a turnip when it came to these matter there were bound to be problems. (This is not to say Mark was any worse off in this respect to the rest of us either.)

Paul in NZ
21st September 2004, 18:05
Anyway…

The poor old Suzuki was dragged into our sitting room where a fire was sullenly smoldering, refusing to give of much heat at all. The tools were rescued from the back of the settee and with the crew huddled around the fireplace, well wrapped up in old army greatcoats, Thrift shop scarves and stout boots, the tune up began. Helpful comments and tips from the knowing and not so knowing were fired at the hapless Mark until he was totally confused by the whole thing. Never the less, sparkplugs were checked (yup, 2, all there), timing was verified (8:45) and even the float levels in the carbs were adjusted. (we were not sure why exactly but apparently it was vital)

As you can imagine, all this took more than a little time and it was pressing on to 10pm when Mark finally got sick of choking us all with acrid 2 stroke fumes and had cleaned up all the tools and rubbish from the evenings project. He casually sauntered over to the circle of dispirited flatmates asking where Andy wanted his torquewrench put (and getting the predictable answer) and had we seen the 13mm socket he just dropped etc etc. Wrappers from the few new bits were tossed on the fire and then Mark asked. “What will I do with the old petrol I drained from the floatbowls??” (You know where this is going don’t you?)

Andy, half asleep and in a ‘not to be taken seriously you twit’ tone of voice said, “Jeeze, Mark, just chuck it on the bloody fire why doncha.” And.. Quick as a wink and before anyone could say anything, he did…..

WHUMP!

I’ll say this… It was spectacular…. I can still see it now, burned (literally) into my memory. Mark standing with arm outstretched, mouth open and a VERY surprised look on his face while a wall of flame erupted from the fireplace and was licking at the ceiling. Great Caesars Ghost!!

Every chair, previously gathered in a tight circle around the fire had been blown over onto its back and the occupants of the room were all scrabbling back towards the door at full speed. Next doors cat (we adopted it) that had been asleep on my lap had scrabbled for traction as it shot up my chest, up my face and out the door leaving a trail of claw marks, loose flaps of skin and blood.

Then, in a second (although it seemed a LOT longer) the flames ran out of fuel and died back, nothing else seemed to be on fire and a sort of calm returned to our house.

The room was a wreck. Mark had still not moved and was curiously devoid of arm hair, fringe and eyebrows. He was making funny little mewling noises so after we made sure he had not in fact swallowed the cat (which had disappeared) and realized he would live we checked the place for damage. There was plenty to see. The whole house was filled with ash and smoke to about chest height. (it took weeks to clean up) The fire was definitely OUT, the grate had broken in half and contained the remains of our now smoldering pile of coal. There was also a VERY interesting scorch mark up the wall and on the ceiling.. Ah Hem…

Paul in NZ
21st September 2004, 18:06
We were lucky!! If we had not burnt the drapes for warmth the week before, we could have been in real trouble. There was a collective sigh of relief as we all felt the adrenaline start to leave our bodies and our hearts start to return to normal. It was about then that one of our regular visitors, Ducati John said. “Ere, wassat funny roaring noise then?” He tromped off outside to investigate, returning in quite an agitated state. “Aaarghhh, The bloody chimneys on fire……Whadda we do wadda we do?” (he was fairly excitable being a Ducati rider and all)

Well there was only one thing to do. Run outside and take a look!

Impressive!!!

Anyway, as luck would have it Mark (who had somewhat recovered) was an ex Boy Scout and a volunteer Fireman to boot knew that we had to find a wet sack. (Then again, finding a wet sack was his answer to everything that went wrong including unexpected pregnancy.) But, somewhat amazingly a dry one was found, made wet and thrown over the remains of the fire along with some water from the jug. The steam did its thing and it seemed the fire in the chimney was out.

We all filed outside to look up at the chimney again.. Phew… Steam and fumes, but no more roaring or flames…

Phew!!! Time for bed before anything else went wrong!

It was then that we heard a noise at the gate. It was the old fella who lived next door. He was one of the original residents of the street and lived there with his elderly sister and 2 ‘toy’ dogs (of the yip yip yip sort) and a 1956 Vauxhall Velox that we all coveted.

The old fella’s eyes were bugged out of his head. “You young fellas OK.??” Did ya see it too eh?? I was looking over your roof, taking the dogs for a walk and WHOOSH. There was a huge mushroom cloud and a ball of fire!! It lit up the whole street. And the noise… BOOM!!” Just like the war, I was at Monte Casino ya know… Here!! What you boys been doin’ in there??

Oops! Busted… We all looked at each other and the growing number of our neighbors appearing at their front gates in old dressing gowns and all staring at us with accusing eyes. (again) Mindful of Steve’s horticultural research projects in the backyard we all stared at the other neighbors house. Mark replied, “Yeah mate, we saw it mate, it was amazing. But it didn’t come from our house eh? I reckon it was those hooligans next door mate. Those Arts students are always doin’ weird stuff like that. I think they might be cookin’ up drugs….”

“Yeah!”, the old geezer replied, “Drugs eh!! You could be right son. They’re a queer bunch. But don’t worry, I called the police and fire brigade. They will sort those ratbags out!!

Ah hem… “Oh, right, yes, well done then… Well, they won’t want us getting in the way then… See ya.. I’ve got an early lecture..” Added Mark and we all trooped off inside, the cold night now coming alive with the sound of distant sirens… All getting depressingly closer…..AGAIN SIGH!!

But it’s like I always say!

Working on your own bike adds character……

Blakamin
21st September 2004, 18:26
:cold: geez, Paul... I felt like I was there... Thanks :first:

toads
21st September 2004, 18:41
hmmm. this should be added to the investment property thread as a reminder of the hazards of renting houses out to students. LOL. I should have found this funny but it sounded far too familiar! :Oops:

dhunt
21st September 2004, 18:45
Very good story, I highly recommend you write a book. You could be the "Barry Crump" of NZ motorcylcing.

mangell6
21st September 2004, 18:58
I'll read it after tea, while I am having a coffee.

Marknz
21st September 2004, 19:16
I'll read it after tea, while I am having a coffee.

What he said... looking forward to it too :yes:

Bloody fantastic! I'm tipping we should have a mini rally of some sort just so we can get a fire going and listen to some of these stories. I would be in fits of laughter and have sore guts for days, but I'd love it.

mangell6
21st September 2004, 20:47
I think I remember that flat, brought back exciting memories, well told young PINZ.

Mike

k14
21st September 2004, 20:51
HAHA, what a brillant story. I'm sure some of my mates would be willing to test out the "petrol on fire" scenario. Will get back to you on the outcome.

riffer
21st September 2004, 21:00
Oh man, that's a worry.

Especially as, to my eternal shame, I have to admit I have done the very same. And ended up with blisters all over my hands to boot.

Thanks Paul. Excellent story.

Gasman
21st September 2004, 21:18
Bloody brilliant. Sound suspiciously like an old Villa I remember in the North Valley....complete with stains and a strange, lingering aroma.....................

カワサキキド
21st September 2004, 22:54
I thought you would have grabbed your bikes before running out of the house!

FROSTY
21st September 2004, 23:08
sounds just like a flat I knew.Except for the plate glass table on top of a couple of old beer crates.

ben444
21st September 2004, 23:17
Dunedin, student, motorbikes... they were good times. Amazing what you can fix with kitchen utensils, duck tape and some wood screws. ( i hope no-one bought a GPX250 back in 1995)

Motu
21st September 2004, 23:47
Are you sure that wasn't in Auckland - I remember that flat too.....did it have candle wax running down the mantle piece? black thumb prints in the colbys?

LB
22nd September 2004, 05:53
.
Ah jeez Paul, give up your day job and become a writer. You've made my sides sore and brought tears to my eyes. Hamish got up and came to see what all the noise was about.

A bloody good read mate. Thanks. More please.

.

Ms Piggy
22nd September 2004, 07:55
That sounds like typical scarfie :cold: behaviour if ever I'd heard of it! :killingme

erik
22nd September 2004, 21:53
Great story Paul :)

scumdog
22nd September 2004, 22:11
Dunedin, student, motorbikes... they were good times. Amazing what you can fix with kitchen utensils, duck tape and some wood screws. ( i hope no-one bought a GPX250 back in 1995)

Back in '95?, BACK IN '95? sheeit that was like yesterday man!! but hey that kind of experience transcends generations, it's like de ja vu all over again :doobey:

Slim
23rd September 2004, 10:33
That was another class story, Paul. :niceone:


Not to de-rail the thread or anything, but check out these links which are pretty much guarenteed to have you in stitches, wondering how your abdominal muscles will ever recover, and along the same lines as Pauls "student antics".

Carl is Introduced (http://www.visordown.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69863)
Carl - the 1st Sequel (http://www.visordown.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69880)
Carl - Why Isn't He In Jail, and More Fireworks (http://www.visordown.com/forums/showthread.php?t=70045)
Carl - Perhaps It's Hereditary? (http://www.visordown.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69909)
Carl and a Virago (http://www.visordown.com/forums/showthread.php?t=70030)


Enjoy

Eddieb
23rd September 2004, 10:54
That was another class story, Paul. :niceone:
Not to de-rail the thread or anything, but check out these links which are pretty much guarenteed to have you in stitches, wondering how your abdominal muscles will ever recover, and along the same lines as Pauls "student antics".

I warn you don't read this at work, I've got tears running down my face it's farking funny as. :killingme :sweatdrop :laugh:

Blakamin
23rd September 2004, 11:22
I warn you don't read this at work, I've got tears running down my face it's farking funny as. :killingme :sweatdrop :laugh:
yep...people were wondering what i was laughing at too!

vifferman
23rd September 2004, 11:26
I warn you don't read this at work, I've got tears running down my face it's farking funny as. :killingme :sweatdrop :laugh:Dang, I must get me a funny-bone transplant...
Either that, or take some more droogs...

But I did almost laugh at the bit about Ogri.

Spaz
3rd June 2006, 04:17
this made my morning, more people have to read this stuff :killingme

Edbear
3rd June 2006, 11:19
:first: Great story, Paul!