Children of divorce

[ManDownUnder]

Hey I see the threads on divorce, the unfairness of it all, the process, payments etc, and it's very obviously related to a topic - one VERY dear to my heart.

What is written below is my personal experience. It in no way implies anyone in here will experience the same, or inflict same on their kids. My reason for writing is to simply lay cards on the table that can open some eyes to the possible effects of divorce - especially one handled in a less than perfect manner.

Credit where it's due first - I'm 100% certain my parents did the best they knew how. They are both good people, I get on with them both very well to this day...

Children of divorce - the expurgated version.
I was 13, sitting in the lounge one afternoon with my brother and sister and could hear Mum and Dad working through something... voices were not loud... forcibly hushed is how I would describe it.

The door opened and Mum and Dad were standing there, and simply said things had come to an end, and each of us needed to choose if we were going with Mum or staying with Dad. A life changing decision on the back of my world being torn asunder... there and then, on the spot.

So... we chose. My siblings went with Mum, I stayed with Dad. My rationale was a very simple one - Mum was the one that had done something wrong... 'nuff said.

Looking back, I spent the next few months growing rapidly. My father was an emotional puddle. I remember well seeing him cry quietly in his office under the stairs, in the house he'd slaved to earn and own. That house became a bitter monument to his familial failure. He needed someone to care for him - so I did. No option. Looking back I now see I went from being my father's son, to my father's father. The effects of that are still being uncovered, but I can assure you they were widespread and very well hidden. Over the next few years I completed school and got a job, moved in with Mum and my Step-Father to be (who I naturally had a falling out with... what are new Step-Father's for... poor sods...).

Mum spoke ill of my father, saying she shouldn't have married him (causing anxiety for me.. "I might never have been born!"), marry your equal... she didn't and she paid the price etc. Nothing said "your father is a good man". That was a key omission. He was quite naturally my role model... someone I am genetically predisposed to be like... and he's "no good". Not good for the fragile ego of a teen. I could go on, but will resist the urge to complete this book... my point is simple...

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of separating, please consider the kids... I would personally say above all else although I realise mine will be a heavily biased view. Don't underestimate the medium and long term fallout that will impact the kids. They need answers (I still do), and honest ones. Put the emotion aside and speak to the facts. Consider the future events too. Little things like Christmas. Don't save the big meal "for when the kids are there"... the poor kids have to eat two or three hearty meals and go home feeling truly ill... about to leak from every orifice.

Birthdays the same. 21st birthday is a goody... who puts on the party - what flavour of party (the divorced parents often grow apart and change lifestyles so where there would have been a family style party... there is now going to be a more conservative one, and a less conservative one.) Likewise graduations, weddings of the kids etc. Both parents were there for these very important days for me, and I am eternally grateful to them for it.

THE highlight of my wedding day was to see my father actually talking to my step-father... both smoke - both had been ostracised accordingly... and they simply chose to put things aside, and move on. I quite literally have the photo.

It's those little things that make up the memories of my past.... far beyond the divorce itself, but all heavily flavoured by it.

All I ask is you tread very carefully, and seek advice to see what you could or should do in handling this... for the kids. It will pay dividends bigger than you will ever know. You'll also avoid heartache for those kids... a lot of heartache.

MDU over and under

[Mom]

I am also the result of a "broken home". My parents separated when I was 16 and just before my brother turned 15. I left home at 16, as I could no longer cope with life at home, as it was. I went nursing as they gave room and board as well as work.

My father left the house one Friday night. He was offered no option by my brother, or me. I had come home for a weekend off, took my brother to a school dance, went to my boyfriends place to kill time till I had to go and collect the lil Bro. Picked him up from school and came home to find my mother in bed, broken and bashed and my cocksure father blaming everything on her.......yes she had her issues, but PLEASE!!!!! This was not the first time, or even the second or third.

Very long story short here, my parents marraige was a nightmare from a childs perspective, dont even want to talk of it really. The effects have been far reaching and indeed devastating. My brother is a chronic depressive who really struggles with this life. I have had to cope with a sick Mother and deal with the fall out of that, I still do on a daily basis. I have dealt many times with my brother, who I cant actually help. My father is no longer alive.

My father once gave me some papers to read through (remember Mr cocksure here) he planned his leaving of our family, spent money, sold things, cashed out superannuation funds and hid the money, and beat the shit out of his wife and daughter in the meantime....fuck I could go on and on, and then he waited till his kids were old enough so he did not have to support them!

Oh seems I have had a vent!.........LOL

If you are not happy, be honest with yourself and move on. I am a fine one to talk here mind, I was married for 22 years, knew things were not right and stayed. Your kids are number one. No easy or gentle way to take away the mummy and daddy thing, no matter if it was good or bad, just take the time to ensure that the welfare of your children come first!! Pity of it is that emotions usually over ride the welfare of the kids......sigh......

the end!

Thank goodness I can hear you all say!....LOL

[98tls]

Great post and for me anyway it bought back a few memories....i was 6 when mine decided to go there seperate ways,a few years of worshipping the old man and listening to his bullshit about how bad the old girl was turned me into a real mum hater and spent the next 10 or so making her life hell.....sadly when i grew up i realized how wrong he was,looking back the thing that pisses me off the most was why would anyone bother lying to a 6 year old,crazy eh.

[Mom]

There are no lies told............I strongly believe that, it is where the head space of the person telling the tale is at to gauge the truth! My father told no lies to me. My personal child perspective of divorce is really clear. However my own divorce is a totally different story.......fuck us grown ups can be sooooooooo childish!!!

[kevfromcoro]

shit seems to be in the air at the moment.good post MDU.This thing sure stays with a person for a long time.

[Deviant Esq]

I'll throw my business card into the hat too. My parents seperated when I was 5, my younger sister was 3. It was a mess, and as I was a little kid I believed everything my useless mother filled my young head with. I hated Dad at the time, not knowing that she'd knowingly taken him to the cleaners, utterly destroying his life for years, even decades afterwards... but only much later did I learn that truth.

From my point of view it seems that the Father is the one who gets utterly shafted more often than not - all with the help of the IRD and government.

My life has definitely been greatly affected by the manner in which I was brought up and the turmoil around me. For some obvious reasons and some private ones, my personal choice is never to have children. Luckily for me my partner doesn't want them either. I hope she stays in that frame of mind.

[98tls]

There are no lies told............I strongly believe that, it is where the head space of the person telling the tale is at to gauge the truth! My father told no lies to me. My personal child perspective of divorce is really clear. However my own divorce is a totally different story.......fuck us grown ups can be sooooooooo childish!!! Maybe not in your case mom but there definately was blatant lies told in mine.

[Deviant Esq]

Maybe not in your case mom but there definately was blatant lies told in mine.
And mine as well, they definitely were not truths in my mother's head. She deliberately fed us misinformation and lies so we thought less of our decent, hardworking, honest and above all honourable Father. It's all I can do to pretend to smile on the rare occasions when I see her. But I learnt the hard way that you never burn a bridge.

[peasea]

And mine as well, they definitely were not truths in my mother's head. She deliberately fed us misinformation and lies so we thought less of our decent, hardworking, honest and above all honourable Father. It's all I can do to pretend to smile on the rare occasions when I see her. But I learnt the hard way that you never burn a bridge.

Better to burn the ex.

[Conquiztador]

I am single father with 4 boys. Five years ago it all ended and I fought to get the kids. And i did. The reason was simple: I was/am the one who is stable.

My oldest is now 18 and he lived through it all understanding it all. He is my good mate. But I am not sure how much it has affected him. He tells me that he would never want to live with his mum. (Sometimes I wonder if that is because our house is a 100% male one, Hard Rock, not too tidy, toilet seat up. And bikes and bikes. He can also bring his mates around for a drink or two) But I think it has more to do with what she has been up to. He is too old and too clever to try and cover up stuff too. But it is not my job.

The three small ones have settled in well. This is their reality. Live with dad and see mum about every second w/e. They are happy, we have no issues and as far as I can judge the effect on them is minimal. But time will tell.

The fights between my ex and me are over. Water under the bridge. She will never be out of my life. We have kids together. (And she adores my new g/f...) I help her where I can. And she is starting to do well. The small ones love her heaps. The oldest. Not so sure. But there is a bond.

Kids know that we will never be a "family" again. And even if they sometimes say that they wish mum and dad would live at the same house they have accepted the reality.

I speak no evil of her to them. What does she say about me? No idea. I do not ask. As they grow older they will have to make up their own mind re what happened. I already now answer their questions thrutfully. But it is only one side of the story. The only thing I can do is my best. And I just have to hope that it is enough, because that is all I have.

Yes, I do realise that a break up of the parents will make an imprint on the childs life. But what are parents supposed to do? Live together unhappy for the kids? That is in many cases worse. And I am allowed a happy life too. Just because I have kids does not mean I have to forefit all happiness. Surely they rather have a happy dad then a miserable one living together with someone that he can not live with?

But I agree with you, there is many things to consider as the kids grow. The most important would be that whatever the two parents have that caused the split has nothing to do with the kids. The issues are between her and me, not the kids. And so when the kids are there we put everything aside. They deserve that.

Me and my ex are now as close as we can get. Friends would be pushing it (My definition of a friend is someone you trust, someone you like and someone you respect. Make two of these and I consider you a friend. She fails on all three counts...) And that is how it will stay.

But if there was no children, then I would have nothing to do with her.

[kevfromcoro]

Better to burn the ex.

As he said

[Mom]

Better to burn the ex.


As he said

See I totally disagree with you both! My ex-husband is the father of my children, I would not wish that on my ex! Mind, I dont love him anymore, I dont particularly like him either for what its worth, actually I dont like him at all! But, he is father to my babies (20, 18, 15). I still dont wish him harm.

[Colapop]

Staying together is the best thing for a failed marriage. I should know my parents did it for the sake of the kids. It was great fun. Having to bear the brunt of my father's anger towards my mother. God knows what I ever did to become the target of his displeasure. They had a wonderful time creating absolute misery for us. I grew up having to deal with many nights of of tears and anguish while they did everything they could for us.

I'm not going to apologise if I sound bitter. I farking am! The shit that I've spent years dealing with. None of it was my fault but I was sure made to feel like it was. I wonder whether I'm even going to be able to last in my own marriage - I doubt it.

By all means stay together or divorce do whatever you like. BUT whatever you do consider your kids. If it's something you're considering (lets face it, it doesn't happen overnight) there are social agencies and programmes out there to help you ease the trauma on your kids.

[Holy Roller]

Things are a bit different these days with more support for the kids.
My parents split when I was 5 Dad used to beat Mum regularly, I hated that and remember sleeping with a knife under my pillow determined to kill him if he made mum hurt again. As a divorcee mum was treated like trash in those days. The benefit only just went around for essentials. I remember school trips being forgone as there was no money to attend. Being teased caused my uniform did not fit right, being tall and skinny, trou held up with string.

I was placed in numerous foster homes even a health camp to help me put some weight on but in the official record it was stated that I was beyond help and there was nothing they could do for me. Mum had a series of mental breakdowns that meant more places to stay even got put into an orphanage for a while. That was not so bad as my grandmother was the washerwoman there so I got to see her each week.
When I was 12 yrs old Mum got pregnant to some old guy who was always sick. He came into the home to get better yeah right. Never got on with him as he was another violent type, reason revealed on his death bed but thats another story. He married my mum and adopted me and my two sisters. I had a name change to remove any association to my birth father just as I was starting high school, more teasing. Alcohol where ever I could find it was consumed in copious quantities building on what had started in primary school.

Step father turned extreemly violent towards me that I lived in fear of my life when he was well enough to confront me. I joined the Navy to escape after having mum try to find some place for me to go. My sister got married at 17 it failed after 6 months. The Navy did not do my drinking problem any good with it being as cheap as it was. Depression set in suicide contemplated and attempted only to deepen the depression. My girlfriend at the time was run over by a truck while I was at sea, she was burried months before I was able to get home. It was in this state that God found me and I had a helping hand up and out. I had become what I had vowed not to become, like my dad. Years later I find myself reacting from memories and habits formed from those days. The way I see life and respond to it is not always the best, concequences of the past. I have a great wife who sees through my crap and together we are giving our 5 kids a life that I never had the access to. My mum recently admitted that she never had any idea that us kids were affected so deeply by the split she thought that we were too young to have been affected.

Though I am who I am today because of what I went through. You are right.. divorce affects kids in so many ways, they are important even if one does not think so at the time.

Well thats another rant over feels good to have written this. I like that add that used to be on the telly... "don't judge me until you know me" so true.

[98tls]

Good post cola,i reckon if people are going to seperate then complete honesty with the kids is whats needed...kids are blooody resiliant,sure its going to hurt at first but feeding them shit thats has them all over the place emotionally does nothing but bugger them up for years.

[Conquiztador]

Reading all these my eye-sight get a fraction foggy. Must be that stuff I am drinking...

The ones here that have posted re break ups in their childhood and the effect it has had on them, take pride that you are still here and functioning well.

To those who are about to break up and there are kids in the mix I would say: Do not stay there because of the kids. You deserve better. But remember that the kids have the right to love both parents! And never take that away from them! The kids will make up their own mind. And if you know that you did not do anything wrong, sooner or later the kids will know that too. (Then again, now 5 years on from my break up the "right or wrong" does not seem to matter that much to me anymore anyhow. Time...)

[007XX]

As usual MDU, excellent thread...:Punk:

Got to admit, just reading some of the posts, my blood started boiling...not for anger of what was said, but for how much wrong people can impose on their children...I am a children of divorce too and both my parents were guilty of various things along the way, but I genuinely believe they tried...All I regret is my father marrying my stepmother as she and I never really got on and I then decided at 12 to return living with my mum. This proved not to be the best decision for different reasons...its another story.

When I realised that my first marriage was not to be a successful one, it took me 2 long years of agonising over how this was going to make me a bad mother, of how I should be staying for my baby's sake...and being thoroughly miserable in the process with a husband who fell well below par from anyone's standards of what a husband should be...I won't go into details as this is not something I like to think or talk about, but it was not good.

After 6 months of trying to get my son to even come and stay with me for one night, he would still not give me a chance, saying I was trying to steal my boy from him. All I wanted is as amiable a separation as possible.

Anyway, when I finally got enough courage to say enough was enough, the ex thought it was a good idea to push me around and come to blows with me in front of my (then) 4 year old baby boy...then proceed to lock me up in the garage...the moron forgot there was a phone in there and I called the cops on his sorry ass...

To this day, my son still remembers this event, even though it is blurry in his mind. And it still makes me cry to know that he remembers.

When my new husband and I married, my son was our ring bearer, and just before the end of the ceremony, we both gave him the gift of an amethyst to celebrate the formation of our new family...of the three of us being united. I'll never forget the look of pure joy and pride on his face.

Do protect your children against the possible ugliness that lurks in all of us and seem to come out at times of stress...
but also, DO NOT stay in a relationship just for the sake of the kids.

Sorry, rant over...I'm gone go and calm down somewhere...

[98tls]

JEZZZ dont start me on stepmothers,when i was about 8 my stepmother..the bitch from hell..well she was Australian at least said to me "the reason your father gets so angry with you is that every time he looks at you he sees your mother " :nono:no shit.

[Mom]

I am an awesome step mother!.........LOL


It took time and love and love and love and well time, 6 years down the track I reckon I have a fantastic relationship with my extra babies!

[Colapop]

Yeah but you're nice, Mom!! :love::love:

[98tls]

I am an awesome step mother!.........LOL


It took time and love and love and love and well time, 6 years down the track I reckon I have a fantastic relationship with my extra babies! Sure you are mom...wasnt generalising,every time i think of the bitch my blood boils...still.I struck out twice as my step father was a twat as well,he was only there every second month as he worked month on month off on the Milburn carrier cement boat,we used to dread him coming home,at 14 i knocked him out with a bottle of beer after he launched himself at the old girl,couple of months later mom finally got rid of him.:Punk:

[Grahameeboy]

I think Nats will cope cause she has coped with her disability bloody well so far....

I am happy despite the crap......the brighter side is I get to spend quality time with Nats without being told what to do so I have that early opportunity to cement an already wonderful relationship with Nats who will really get to know me.

Crap can be flushed away and with dual flush in NZ I have 2 buttons...if that makes sense

[Lissa]

The weird thing with my relationship with my ex (we sep this year) is that I dont hate him, I dont wish him ill, I dont want to take him to the cleaners, I want him to be happy, and for the kids to be happy, I just dont love him, eight years of me being alone 90% of the time.. with the kids can change a person, eight years of being totally alone.. I mean living away from family and my ex having no friends, no hoildays, no life.... I contemplated staying for the kids.. infact for years thats what I feel I did. I feel like a failure.... but I also want for the first time in my parenthood to be a strong role model for my girls. Since we have seperated he certainly spends alot more time with the children then he has ever done before (I mean EVER)... and thats one good thing about it.

We never hardly had raised voices infront of the kids, or yelling matches. We have never said bad things about each other to the kids. We still talk, we help each other out. But its all too fresh and new to contemplate the future too much, I am just trying to make it easier on the kids.

Finally I know how it can work. Communication, putting the children above all else, and moving on, letting go of the negatives and enjoying the challenge of whats ahead.

Edit/ great post MDU. Is an eye opener.

Its sad that two parents cant get on, even though they have gone their seperate ways... just because you arent together anymore doesnt mean you stop being the childrens parents. Just makes me sad.

[007XX]

Finally I know how it can work. Communication, putting the children above all else, and moving on, letting go of the negatives and enjoying the challenge of whats ahead.
.

Halleluya to that...that's exactly right. Bling sent Chick...
*yeah, I'm back, sorry*

Anyhoos...I'm not Mother Theresa and I'm not trying to be, but someone no so long ago told me:
"stay true to yourself"
and I think that sums it up.

I'm happy to say that 6 years on, the ex and I are on amicable terms, his son having always been able to see him whenever he felt.
My stepmother and I have finally buried the hatchet, after 25 years of being at each other's throats...

Moral of the story: do what's right and time will work the rest out.

[Delerium]

Here's a goodun, youll love this.
After much bikering and fighting (I think the final straw was when my mum pulled a knife on my dad. He picked up a chair. Knife was put down) they split when I was about 4 or 5. The old lady used to flip her lid at me over the smallest thing, often not have her facts straight, ie I DIDNT do anything wrong, and did it so loud the neighbours could hear. The one that really pissed me off was when The guy she was trying to hook into didnt enjoy having a tired young kid around so picked me up by the collar dragged me outside, dropped me and kicked me while I was falling. I cracked my head on the stairs and bleed all over the show

Of course neither of tehm cme to see what the problem was and only realised that I was actually hurt 15 minutes later when they got sick of me crying. Anyway. After a massive blow up that involved Cryptic phone calls to me and the people looking after me one night when I was part of cadet forces, and her and my half sisters mother squabbling over the latest guy they were BOTH chasing into bed (another long story that ended badly) I bailed the day before my 6 form cert exams and moved in with my dad. In the few years before and after this my half sister was going through the same thing with my dad and her mum.


Soooo, I got to go through it twice while watching my sister deal with it the second time. I had nasty car accident shortly after and when dropping off my sister for my dad, her mum said, ' Iheard what happened to your car, how much did it cost you.' The she fucking LAUGHED, after I had worked my ass off for 5 years to buy that car. I havnt spoken to her or had anything to do with her since. It was a wake up call to my sister too, from that point she started to realise what her mother was like.

EDIT- thats the VERY abbreviated version.

[riffer]

It's just gone six years since my ex and I separated. We had the best of intentions but after six weeks I met Gini and my life changed (she's now my wife - fifth anniversary on 23/11).

I guess my ex expected that I was always going to be around and wouldn't get another girlfriend (let alone get married - she and I never had despite having two kids), and that she was going to have the best of both worlds - an ex 800 metres up the road to have the kids any time (we had a 3 days my house/4 days hers arrangement), she could party whenever she didn't have the kids and continue shagging my mate (who she ran off with - apparently it had been happening a while) and I would always be available whenever she wanted.

Anyway, it all turned to shit in the February when I announced we'd got engaged, and she got really septic. It started with her going to IRD for child support (although we had an arrangement where I paid the $900 a month childcare fees), withholding the kids, talking shit to the kids about Gini and I, withholding the kids access, and eventually going to family court and trying to get 100% access accusing us of abusing the kids.

It took two and a half years of fighting, 4 separate psychiatric evaluations, and nearly an entire year of not seeing the kids AT ALL (thanks Family Court - god I'd love to talk about that circus except its ILLEGAL to...) and $15,000 in lawyers fees, not to mention countless days off work, affadavits, and the near destruction of my marriage before we finally decided to give up.

And it seemed to work. While I wouldn't call the ex my friend, we seem to be able to get on now. Things were very strained for a while, but its been a year and a half now since the kids started coming back and surprise, surprise, there's no problems at all - if Family Court had their way I never would have seen them except under supervision.

And I put it all down to jealousy by my ex. What a waste of time, money, and effort. The kids are all okay now, but you know, we could all have done without it.

FWIW, my parents are still together today. They were married February 5, 1962.

[Lissa]

Anyhoos...I'm not Mother Theresa and I'm not trying to be, but someone no so long ago told me:
"stay true to yourself"
and I think that sums it up.

Moral of the story: do what's right and time will work the rest out.
Too right chick. I'm pretty much an optimist, I think as long as I have a healthy positive attitude and dont take MY feelings (guilt or frustration) out on my children or ex then only good things can happen. Ive seen a lot of single mums who are having a bad time of it for various reasons.. and I think that I am pretty much in a better position than most. I have alot to look forward to, my own house.. that I can decorate how I WANT it, buying stuff with out having to ask for it, a new job, my biking and a new/different relationship with my ex. But also growing closer to my family is the main plus. :yes:

[007XX]

Too right chick. I'm pretty much an optimist, I think as long as I have a healthy positive attitude and dont take MY feelings (guilt or frustration) out on my children or ex then only good things can happen. Ive seen a lot of single mums who are having a bad time of it for various reasons.. and I think that I am pretty much in a better position than most. I have alot to look forward to, my own house.. that I can decorate how I WANT it, a new job, my biking and a new/different relationship with my ex. But also growing closer to my family is the main plus. :yes:

Good for you mate...:Punk:

One thing does show from this thread though...and that's just my observation:

Regardless of the gender of the parent, he or she can reduce himself/herself to incredible lows when it comes to hurting the other person...

Why do human beings have to be so cruel? Call me an idealist, but however hard it may be, noone should stoop to the depths of ugliness that we have all been talking about tonight...

I see broken men hating women, having lost everything, sometimes even their kids and having to face the long road of rebuilding their lives and their faith in maybe one day having a partner again.

I see battered wives hiding in shelters, hiding in fear for their and their children's welfare, having no show of being able to step out on the streets, and of course quite often without hope for a job, as showing their face in public could mean getting their lives at risk.

I try really hard to see the good in people, but I have to admit that sometimes, I despair as to whether the human race is worth believing in...

[chanceyy]

thank you for sharing your stories guys .. it makes me even more convinced that I made a good choice in deciding not to have kids .. love them for sure but with shit that goes on in ya childhood .. how it impacts on you later in life is pretty telling

I guess in some respects I am lucky .. both my parents have been together over 50 yrs .. so I am not a product of a broken home ...

however I am adopted & my mother has used that against me for many many yrs .. I certainly would never want a child to ever know how it feels to be rejected on soo many levels by those who are supose to love you unconditionally.. but that is another story

just really wanted to acknowledge the level of sharing that is in this thread already .. congrats to you all who have overcome your past & become damn decent ppl in your own right

[Sanx]

I can't really comment on a lot of this as my parents have been together for the last 36 years (four years before I was born), I don't have any children and I'm getting married in January.

However ... I do remember asking my parents when I was quite young (maybe seven or eight) if they were going to get divorced. I don't think anything at home happened to make me ask this question; was more likely yet another classmate of mine was going through it.

I still remember the answer my mother gave me, with a semi-amused glance at my father: "No, we're not. We haven't got the time". For some reason, that answer reassured me better than any false platitude ever could.

[deanohit]

My mum an dad split when I was 4 because of my dads drinking problems. Funnily enough, that hasn't affected me as my father, despite been a drunk back then, he was never abusive and the divorce was amicable with me seeing my dad fo the night once a month. All good. after 2 years though he moved to Nelson, we moved to Kaikoura an me mum got remarried. This is when things went down hill big time. I lost contact with my dad and our new stepdad started beating us. I ran away from home the first time when I was 9. Didnt make it very far before I was found by my stepdad. It definitly wasnt pleasant for me when I got home. Got to the stage that I moved out and lived with some friends of mine when I was 14 after I hit him on the head with a bat while he was sleeping.I still love my mum despite the fact she didnt do anything to stop him all those times and am trying to be supportive to her now she has left him 6 monthes ago when he forcefully tried to stop her leaving the marrige. Renewed contact with my dad 3 years ago now and I'm helpin him straiten his life out. So the roles have reversed for me to the point of where I'm tryin to look after and help both parents. Survived my mums first marrige, am still gettin over the second one.

[98tls]

My mum an dad split when I was 4 because of my dads drinking problems. Funnily enough, that hasn't affected me as my father, despite been a drunk back then, he was never abusive and the divorce was amicable with me seeing my dad fo the night once a month. All good. after 2 years though he moved to Nelson, we moved to Kaikoura an me mum got remarried. This is when things went down hill big time. I lost contact with my dad and our new stepdad started beating us. I ran away from home the first time when I was 9. Didnt make it very far before I was found by my stepdad. It definitly wasnt pleasant for me when I got home. Got to the stage that I moved out and lived with some friends of mine when I was 14 after I hit him on the head with a bat while he was sleeping.I still love my mum despite the fact she didnt do anything to stop him all those times and am trying to be supportive to her now she has left him 6 monthes ago when he forcefully tried to stop her leaving the marrige. Renewed contact with my dad 3 years ago now and I'm helpin him straiten his life out. So the roles have reversed for me to the point of where I'm tryin to look after and help both parents. Survived my mums first marrige, am still gettin over the second one. Good on you mate...hang in there and best of luck eh.........give that mum of yours lots of tlc eh...there worth it.FWIW i am from just south of kaikoura originally.

[Grahameeboy]

I think we are all moulded by our experience with our parents, whether they divorce, stay together for good or not or are just not good parents.

My folks are still together after 47 years but were controlling and they criticised everything I did.....waste of money mountain bikes etc, you are thick Son etc....I didn't smoke or drink much but was into mountain a nd motorbikes......at age 14 I just decided to do my own think despite their views and even now, even though they have provided some financial help to help me retain custody of Nats it is on their terms to the point that my Lawyer says they are screwing me...I have never confided in them..even when at 28 my girlfriend discovered she was pregnant (condom broke before anyone asks) I have not told my parents about this or the fact that we decided to go for a termination......

I have no regrets and am pleased I am 'Me'.......

[chanceyy]

I can't really comment on a lot of this as my parents have been together for the last 36 years (four years before I was born), I don't have any children and I'm getting married in January.

However ... I do remember asking my parents when I was quite young (maybe seven or eight) if they were going to get divorced. I don't think anything at home happened to make me ask this question; was more likely yet another classmate of mine was going through it.

I still remember the answer my mother gave me, with a semi-amused glance at my father: "No, we're not. We haven't got the time". For some reason, that answer reassured me better than any false platitude ever could.


ohhh geezzz that reminded me of my 7 yr old niece when ex & I split .. she asked my mother if she was still gonna be alive when she is older cause she wants to show nana her house & car .. nana replied well I hope I am still around cause I want to see you get married .. neice replied no nana I am never getting married cause it never lasts .. .. was like ahhh fark .. even though she did not witness any of it .. she absolutely adored & trusted my ex like no other .. & being the deep lil soul she is .. starting to parrot her aunty chanceyy darlingg .. oopss :shutup: BTW my bro & sis in law have been together for about 17 yrs .. & still going strong

[deanohit]

Good on you mate...hang in there and best of luck eh.........give that mum of yours lots of tlc eh...there worth it.FWIW i am from just south of kaikoura originally.

Yea mate, talking an emailing most days.:love: My mums doin heaps better now, but is still scared. Her ex has now moved up here and lives just up the street which has her nervous for my safety, but I just stay low, make sure I dont go any where alone and have heaps of friends around here to keep an eye on him.

[007XX]

I think we are all moulded by our experience with our parents, whether they divorce, stay together for good or not or are just not good parents.

I have no regrets and am pleased I am 'Me'.......

yes, definitely agree on this...

For years, I had relationships that were going really well, and then I'd end up getting bored of them and kick them to the curb...
I started noticing a pattern, and asked myself why??
I finally realised that I was scared of the other person dumping me first and so was hell bent on getting them to love me, but then found it too much hard work and ended things...I likened it to a child building an awesome sand castle and then when he/she has achieved the result, proceed to destroy it.

To me, seeing a relationship that worked without being destroyed was just not normal...Conflict HAD to be a part of the everyday life...

Since I have grown and understood this, my love life has never been more stable, even my husband is unlike anyone I've ever been previously (aka: calm, understanding but firm and very smart:love::love:)

So, although not blaming entirely my parents' failed relationship for my own demise, I definitely think it played a huge part.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

Staying together is the best thing for a failed marriage. I should know my parents did it for the sake of the kids. It was great fun. Having to bear the brunt of my father's anger towards my mother. God knows what I ever did to become the target of his displeasure. They had a wonderful time creating absolute misery for us. I grew up having to deal with many nights of of tears and anguish while they did everything they could for us.

I'm not going to apologise if I sound bitter. I farking am! The shit that I've spent years dealing with. None of it was my fault but I was sure made to feel like it was. I wonder whether I'm even going to be able to last in my own marriage - I doubt it.

By all means stay together or divorce do whatever you like. BUT whatever you do consider your kids. If it's something you're considering (lets face it, it doesn't happen overnight) there are social agencies and programmes out there to help you ease the trauma on your kids.

Thanks for sharing that - My first husband went thru what you did. He always advocated don't stay together for the children's sake. He told me of nites cowering in his room, hearing his parents argue - the physical abuse.

My ex went back to an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive marriage. That to me is one very very sick man. I so felt for his children, don't give a shit about the adults but to willingly put your children thru that shit is far worse than "smacking your children". The adults feed off each other - and the damage it does do children. Been said above.

[98tls]

I think a lot of it has to do with what was expected in those days.....in my case anyway i am extremely glad my parents got together and had a shag..for obvious reasons...thing is when it became obvious that a bundle was on the way they were expected to get a house and live happily ever after,bad move as the last 2 people that should share a life together is/was my parents,much more acceptable these days to just be rid of said bundle or be a solo parent.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

My parents split when I was 24. Wish it had been much sooner. I remember saying to Mum at 16 - after I'd run away - How can you live with that bastard - and I was really pushing it by swearing - thought she might clout me one or rant at me - she turned to me and said "You can leave, I can't". My father is the biggest hypocrite out - I have zero tolerance for that. I have absolutely no respect for the animal. Basically my mother is dead - she is in a home and has no memory etc That poor woman never knew "adult" love throughout her life - that is the saddest thing of all. When she does die - if her ex husband turns up at the funeral - god help him. Cos I am doing my mother's eulogy. And I will be telling it exactly how it was. I tried talking to my father as an adult after he did the first damage - begging him not to go on and do more with another action - advising him - he would hurt too many people. It his good catholic hypocritical way - he went on to really anihilate my mother and his 5 children.

After 30 years of marriage, hell, fire damnation hypocritcal catholic father - who chose catholism at 18, etc had to get permission from both sets of parents to marry my mother at 19, had 5 children, then got an annulment from the catholic church - how - pays enough money and you can buy anything you want with the catholics - who pontificate about the sanctity of marriage, children, the family. I rest my case - I rang the priest - he hadn't realised at that stage an annulment had been granted - he got very very upset when I said all the above - I also added that the animal had been fucking around during marriage to - by the way it's one of your commandments isn't it not to 'commit adultery'. He was particularly pissed about me saying you can buy in the catholic church and the sheer hypocrisy of the church - he hung up on me - died 3 months later. One less hypocrite thank god.

I call "him" the sperm donor - cos that's all he ever was. He's a very sick, self-centred male. Very insecure. Lives in fear of going to hell lol. I know I have done my best in trying to have a healthy relationship with him - but it is no go. So I don't bang my head against that brick wall anymore. He doesn't know any better. But crikey has he done some damage to my other siblings. I worked thru and am still doing so the damage done to me - I use to poo poo the idea "go back and look at your childhood - how you were raised" saying my parents did the best they could - don't believe in blame. Well it isn't blame - it is looking at why you have the beliefs you do, how you handle situations etc, the last thing I wanted in my life was a man like my father = but you guessed it - that is what I end up with. I'd rather remain single thank you.

[98tls]

I remember hearing that dumb song..life begins at 40,i was 41 and had finally managed to let all the shit go......or at least ignore it.Just remember laughing to myself and thinking aint that the truth.:yes:Good luck with it all BMW..sounds like you have it sorted though.

[chanceyy]

I remember hearing that dumb song..life begins at 40,i was 41 and had finally managed to let all the shit go......or at least ignore it.Just remember laughing to myself and thinking aint that the truth.
nods I agree .. but guess I am a bit of an old soul ... I realised it when I was in my 30's .. took me 7 yrs to get over one particular event .. & has foreva made an impact ..

[98tls]

If nothing else bad shit that happens to you builds character..sounds corny but at least if you take somthing from it its turning a negative into a positive,at the very least you may be able to help someone out with your bad experiance.

[chanceyy]

tis true .. but these days you do not have to look far to find ppl who have been through far more :shit: than I have .. so for me it puts things in perspective..

[ManDownUnder]

wow..... I've been away from a PC for a few days... but I come back to you guys answering a question for me....

I've long held the view that so many people have a "life story", and the "interesting" people tend to have a life story with a more dramatic puntuation in there somewhere. A critical event (for me - my Mum and Dad splitting up and the grief that followed).

It's sad but this seems to be an all too common life story and while I'm not surprised at the number of stories out there, the number that I read and really hit home is impressive.

It's a big issue. And maybe I'm just not walking in those circles but it seems to be one that's not talked about too much.

[Panther]

wow..... I've been away from a PORN for a few days...

Wow, that must have been really hard for you.

[ManDownUnder]

Wow, that must have been really hard for you.

Quite the opposite - and you can't imagine how disppointed the women were! Well - being female you probably can.

[yungatart]

I am not the product of a broken home. My parents just celebrated 55 years of wedded bliss...yes, wedded bliss!! They are still madly in love with each other, it is so neat to see, and I am truly grateful to them.
However, I didn't pick my man as well as my mum did..my first marriage broke up when my kids were 12,11 and 4...they are great kids, now aged 31,30 and 23, but all have issues.
If only divorce came with a manual...
if only ex's could be rational all the time...
if only I could have been rational all the time...
Yep, I made mistakes, did some stuff totally badly..but I did the best I was capable of at the time. I tried to put my kids needs first all the time, sometimes, I just didn't think straight though.
I'd like to be able to say I did it perfectly, and only my ex made mistakes..but I can't lie.....

[Matt Bleck]

When i was 4, Me, my sister and Mum returned home early from staying with Nana & Pop, much to my fathers surprise... he was rooting some shelia in his and ma's bed!

[ManDownUnder]

I am not the product of a broken home. My parents just celebrated 55 years of wedded bliss...yes, wedded bliss!! They are still madly in love with each other, it is so neat to see, and I am truly grateful to them.


That ROCKS doesn't it?


However, I didn't pick my man as well as my mum did..my first marriage broke up when my kids were 12,11 and 4...they are great kids, now aged 31,30 and 23, but all have issues.
If only divorce came with a manual...
if only ex's could be rational all the time...
if only I could have been rational all the time...
Yep, I made mistakes, did some stuff totally badly..but I did the best I was capable of at the time. I tried to put my kids needs first all the time, sometimes, I just didn't think straight though.
I'd like to be able to say I did it perfectly, and only my ex made mistakes..but I can't lie.....

Yes but... you did things the best you could, like my Mum and Dad did. I am convinced mine put the needs of the kids first all the time and there was no way they could have predicted the nuances of what they were doing and saying... and their medium to long term impact.

My Mum never spoke favourable of my father. That hit me like a ton of bricks over time. My Dad also placed one hell of an emotional burden on the only other member of the household (me)... but what was he to do... not cry?

Yup... tough one all around. A very tough one... and it sucks.

As 98tls said though - character forming.

[Edbear]

I wonder whether I'm even going to be able to last in my own marriage - I doubt it..



Been there, done that! 30th Anniversary this Oct. Always remember why you married her, and if it was because you fell in love with her because of her special qualities, cherish them! Marriage is not always a bed of roses and we usually have some unrealistic expectations when we enter into it. Too often we misunderstand the intent and meaning behind what the other one says, too. Maybe because of our own insecurities or whatever, but it's a real trick to understand what the other one is actually saying.

My wife was never very academic and had some serious issues from her childhood, so combined together, she didn't know how to say what she really meant. She also was convinced I would find someone I really deserved and would cast her off. It took many years and tears before she was secure enough to accept that I genuinely loved her and wanted to provide a good life for her.

Some who knew us well, gave us six months when we got married, they were nearly too generous! She was fiery and I was stubborn! Man we had some doozy's! That was, as I say, back in '77!

Yeah, remember why you married, count to ten and listen carefully. Tell each other you love each other often and find things to laugh about together. My Mum cracked us all up at my nieces wedding a while ago, her advice was "fight naked!"

[ManDownUnder]

Been there, done that! 30th Anniversary this Oct. Always remember why you married her, and if it was because you fell in love with her because of her special qualities, cherish them! Marriage is not always a bed of roses and we usually have some unrealistic expectations when we enter into it. Too often we misunderstand the intent and meaning behind what the other one says, too. Maybe because of our own insecurities or whatever, but it's a real trick to understand what the other one is actually saying.

Cheers chap... the voice of experience is very much appreciated!

Something I find helps me when the chips are really down... open that wee book containing all the wedding photos... and relive the day. It's amasing how the perspective changes PDQ...

[jrandom]

My wife was never very academic and had some serious issues from her childhood...

:lol:

Dude, what an awesome way of putting it.

[biggy]

i hate women

[Mom]

i hate women

Good for you!

Good to see a bloke saying it from the heart!

So if you hate women, then the opposite must apply? :yes:

[ManDownUnder]

So if you hate women, then the opposite must apply? :yes:

So long as he loves himself...

I do... regularly...:innocent::innocent::innocent:

[avgas]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.

[Blackbird]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.

Too right I have! My folks divorced when I was young, but a week on Sunday, Mrs B and I celebrate 35 years marriage and I'm still totally barmy about her. We also have 3 fantastic kids with no hang-ups. You have to work at it but being the product of a broken home can't always be an excuse for not having a great life.

[ManDownUnder]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.


Me!

12 years and counting chap.... (4/3/95) and there's ups and downs for sure but that's life anyway.

[Edbear]

however I am adopted & my mother has used that against me for many many yrs .. I certainly would never want a child to ever know how it feels to be rejected on soo many levels by those who are supose to love you unconditionally.. but that is another story



Maybe another thread, here?

It's sad to hear this happening. Step families are much more common than many realise, as this thread highlights, and each has its common challenges.

While my parents divorced after 26 years, and I was not sorry to see my father leave, us kids were pretty much all grown up and not caught up in any nastiness. They both remarried and Dad remained with his wife until he died in Jan.'89 from MS. Horrible way to go. Though I could not respect him as a man and often marvelled that Mum could live with him, I was able to tell him on his deathbed that I loved him. It seemed to mean a lot to him then. Mum is still with her second husband, my best mate and a man I have enormous respect for. HE was the best thing that could ever have happened to her.

My son is my stepson, so I know a bit about step-families. My wife was told, by busy bodies who had no idea what they were talking about, that she should not expect me to love him as my own. Being hyperactive didn't help and my wife never really knew whether he was in trouble and being disciplined because of his behaviour or because I didn't love him. You can imagine the problems that caused. Eventually I was able to convince her of my love for him, helped by the "discovery" of a medical cause for hyperactivity, now known as ADHD, in 1981 and he was tested and put on a diet that radically changed his behaviour. So after two years my wife agreed I could adopt him, he was now four.

Truth was, I fell in love with them both, not just her, and I think the pic illustrates this. Around 8 years old, my son said to me that he felt out of place, (as we had told him when he was 4 that he was adopted), he saw his sister, who was the perfect baby, (honestly I wish all parents could have such a daughter!), and never in trouble, and wondered if maybe he was somehow not really part of the family. One thing this emphasised to me was what a deep thinker he was even at so young an age! Parents, be aware!

I sat down with him and hugged him and told him that it was both he and his Mum I fell in love with, and explained our relationship this way. In families there is a natural blood bond - brother, sister, mother, father. When two people get married, they do not have the blood bond and must develop the bond together and those who have been married for years will understand. I explained that he was like his mother and his adoption was the same as our marriage, we fell in love, got married and develop a bond together, same as I adopted him and we developed this father/son bond. He felt so much better after that, and could understand that he was really as much a part of my life and this family as his mother was.

He has never met his natural father and has no real desire to, as the guy disappeared, probably partly in fear of his life from my wife's three older brothers, but also to avoid his responsibilities. He is now 31 and currently back home with us, (another long story!), and we like having him around.

(I can't believe I've written this!)

[ManDownUnder]

It's sad to hear this happening. Step families are much more common than many realise, as this thread highlights, and each has its common challenges.

... snip...

(I can't believe I've written this!)

Total and utter respect!

THAT is one of the stories that needs to be told... I had an email from a KBer yesterday telling me another that helped me enormously. It simply gave me hope because it gave me the understanding that comes of experience.

I told my story and while I won't divulge where or with whom - it resonated loud and long. Edbear - I know your post will too. That voice of experience is easy to recognise.

Respect!

[janno]

Edbear, that was a fantastic way to explain your family dynamic to your son! I am very impressed, and I'm so glad you wrote that.

[ManDownUnder]

Everyone in this thread... I think we need a bloody big night out, a few too many beers - talk shit till the cows come home and see what comes of it...

Aucklanders up to the challenge?

[janno]

I'd be up for it, except I'm slightly the wrong side of the ditch at the mo . . . :innocent:

[chanceyy]

Maybe another thread, here?

It's sad to hear this happening. Step families are much more common than many realise, as this thread highlights, and each has its common challenges.



(I can't believe I've written this!)

prob is another another thread .. but in some respects I guess jealously .. My adopted father has always accepted & loved me for who I am, has never been judgemental

My mother .. shrugs thats another story .. I may have gotten over a certain event .. but have never forgotten ....

I still remember how I understood the concept of being adopted .. both my brother & I adopted at birth (not blood related) .. as youngsters we used to head to pram to our bach .. one day when we were driving I seen a black lamb in a paddock of white sheep .. made comment that the black lamb has no mother .. thats when it was explained that one of the white mother sheep would take care of it like mum & dad do for me ..

funny the things you remember from ya youth .. must have been about 5 when i was told that

kids deserve to be loved unconditionally, & at times the ppl who give birth dunno what it means to be parents ..

I strongly believe that no one has a right to come between a parent & child .. that is a bond that should never be tampered with regardless if it is a birth parent or adopted ..

[ynot slow]

Agree with whats said,my auntie and uncle adopted a son,they had 2 girls.My brother and I and one cousin are biological family,the adopted one is treated as family.That is 4 boys to carry our family name on,I have 2 girls,my brother no kids,cousin(bio)has boy and girl and adopted cousin a girl,so as for keeping the family name going,not good lol.

My grandparents treated the adopted cousin/grandchild as should be family.His sisters treated him the same,he even laughed one day when a few beers had been partaken,that he wouldn't say no to shagging his elder sister,he had a few people thinking we were a religous ideal,until it was said to the ones not laughing that he was adopted,he had known them since primary school,they all thought he was my auntie and uncles biological son.

[deanohit]

His sisters treated him the same,he even laughed one day when a few beers had been partaken,that he wouldn't say no to shagging his elder sister,he had a few people thinking we were a religous ideal,until it was said to the ones not laughing that he was adopted,he had known them since primary school,they all thought he was my auntie and uncles biological son.

Hahaha, good on you all. :laugh::bleh::laugh:
My uncle was born into a broken home and adopted by my grandparents when only a few monthes old. He's always known where he came from but is comfortable with it all as theway he sees it, he has two familys now, us and his biological brother an sister (doesnt have contact with his bio parents).

[ManDownUnder]

I'd be up for it, except I'm slightly the wrong side of the ditch at the mo . . . :innocent:

Well bloody yell out when you get onto this side of the ditch! :niceone:

[chanceyy]

I'd be up for it, except I'm slightly the wrong side of the ditch at the mo . . . :innocent:

when ya get to this side of the ditch Jan .. there is always a bed here for you ... ;)


but remember the rapa bash is on in march be good to see you at that too ...

[janno]

I'm back in UnZud on the 14th of August - don't worry, you'll be seeing my cheery face before too long!!

Lots of riding to catch up on, and rolling around in the long grass. WTF you say?

Really looking forward to bush walking and walking through paddocks with NO SNAKES!!!

[sugilite]

My ex went back to an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive marriage. That to me is one very very sick man. I so felt for his children, don't give a shit about the adults but to willingly put your children thru that shit is far worse than "smacking your children". The adults feed off each other - and the damage it does do children. Been said above.

I've just found this thread. Previously I've always avoided these kinds of topics as lord knows I've been no shining example of a good partner in a relationship over the last 8 years. I have decided to reply to this particular post as it refers directly to myself.

Yes, my wife and I had our issues as most married couples do. We did not take them out on our children. We nurtured and loved them throughout the process and they themselves are very loving and nurturing children. Indeed the writer of the quoted post experienced this from my two daughters in her hour of need.

Yes, violence occurred 3 times, and two of those times my children were aware of it. The both of us immediately talked to our children to let them know we loved them and were working through issues. My wife had an upbringing that made the once were warriors movie look like a walk in the park. She promised never again and stuck to that even under the greatest provocation imaginable.

Our children stayed positive throughout the process and continued to get good grades at school. At parent teacher nights, their teachers without exception said my children were joys to teach and they bought a great sense of humor and added real value with their communication/sharing with the rest of the class. One teacher even said she wish she had 30 versions of my child in her class! :lol:

My children have learned that something important is worth fighting for. They are very happy that their mother and I persisted and have let us both know this on several occasions.

I feel this scenario is very different from what Colapop and others have gone through. For parents to take their frustrations out on their children is utterly and totally cruel and my heart goes out to those people that have suffered this. For sure in those circumstances they should separate to save their children pain.
However, I firmly believe that when children can see their parents putting in a sincere effort at reconciling their issues they learn not to hide and run from problems they will certainly face later on in life.

I ran from my problems and tried my best to blame everyone else for them and that just bought me pain, pain and more pain. I no longer run and I take ownership of my shit. Since doing that my life has become so much the more richer.
I had a large realization to this effect on the 11th of January of this year and printed and posted up on my wall in HUGE letters "PARTICIPATE IN LIFE"
To do anything less is pointless.

[Highlander]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.

Yup, us. We were married as teen agers - 18 years ago (many more to come).

My parents are rapidly approaching 50 years, and the inlaws are almost at 40 years. Both lots of parents still very much going strong.

It does happen.

[Kittyhawk]

Interesting thread. There are ups and downs in any relationship, and one with my parents, there were alot of downs.

I recall many times over and over alot of arguements, and mum always saying " Im staying here just for the kids sake" I cant begin to express how I felt every time I heard that but it has impacted on me today.

Our happy times, always ended very quickly with negative conversations. Dad argued with mum, the challenge to see who could over power the other with the loudest voice was always the thing and this resulted in mum breaking down and crying on my shoulder alot.

As I got older I started realising that its not normal. My parents traveled alot overseas and my brother and I would stay at mums sisters place on the farm. This gave me a different insight to how familes interact.

There were no arguements, if there was, it wasnt done in front of all us kids. Everyone was happy, the family was organised and supported eachother regardless of what choises my cousins made.

I recall when my cousin left school at 15 or so my uncle said "right you're going to work on the farm no time for girls just yet" That's what he did, now he's in joint ownership with my uncle on a 400 acre dairy farm, and has a family.

Dinner times at the farm were about conversation, what did you do that day, and talking at the table was nice. After dinner the sterio would get turned up, the rest of the aunts and uncles would call in and we would all dance till bed time. Just simple happy times and ones which wouldnt be forgotton.

Coming back home to Tga when my parents picked us up, was one of the most depressing points in my life. We wernt allowed to talk at the dinner table. Not allowed to turn up the music and dance. And I felt like I was returning to an unhappy home I honestly dreaded going back. Mum and dad bought us most thigns we wanted to make us happy, but it wasnt the material items I wanted....I wanted to be in a happy family, to be loved, and not judged.

My parents agrued about my career, where I was going to go and what to do. I wanted to go to Otago Uni and persue a composing degree in music. It wasnt an option to them, I was shipped off to Auckland to study at uni by their choice as they were the ones paying.

Even when I moved they still argued with me and controlled me. Mum ended up breaking some news to me about her having an affair for over a year behind dads back with his best mate. After being married to him for 24 odd years.

I'll never forgive her for that. And her excuse for doing it was even more pathetic.

Dad was just as bad, as he said he wants to stay with her as he's too old to find anyone else. She begged him to keep her. He asked me what to do my reply " do what you want as long as you are happy, I still love you regardless" Its that unconditional love factor I have for my parents. I still love my mum and dad but I will never trust either of them.

I look back and remember my Aunt saying "When you are old enough you will realise your family is different its just a matter of time" This was discussed alot within the rellies etc. And they were right.

My parents in the end got so jealous of my aunt and uncle who we stayed with on the farm they ceased all communication with them for years, my brother and I didnt have a choice as if we did try to get in touch the threats were "we will disown you, or get out dont come back" as a kid you believe that stuff and it scares you.... they were worried we would run away to our 2nd home. My parents were jealous of the closeness their kids have with them.

Even a few months back, mum told her sister to not contact me! Still that underlaying jealousy and worry of my parents.

Why would two people stay married for 27 years and argue everyday never have happy times, or memories. "For the kids sake" is the excuse.
I would have much rather my parents split up looking back. At least if that happend I would have felt loved and appreciated alot more from both sides. Had more hugs, and not the emotional scaring I have today. As for my brother, he's still living at home and is not allowed to move out of home at the age of 22.

Im glad I broke the cycle and got out.