Some humour

[strayjuliet]

Just got these in my email and thought i would share. Please enjoy.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last
night she used me to time
an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog
on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was
wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's
nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life
at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started
crying. I said, "Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said,
"No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your h ead in case the bag over her
head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to
cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss
in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got
arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging,
naked. I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for
Alka-Seltzer.

I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I
can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray
after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she
called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a
boy, I wouldn't of had
anything to play with.