Parenting a changeling

[Blue Babe]

What happened to my Wonderful/Beautiful Daughter???
She used to be so clean & tidy, Had respect for herself, her elders & her parents. She has turned into a monster. Her room looks like a bomb site, her attitude to me stinks. She shouts & yells at me even in public, which is so humiliating. She hasn't done any of her normal chores for weeks. Am I asking to much when I ask her to keep her room tidy, do her own dishes & help with them when we've eaten as a family & help with putting the bins out?? Is that too much?? We want her to help with the lawns & maybe even make us a cup of Tea now & again. Her moods are like an on/off switch, literally, One minute she can be ok, the next doors are being slammed & lots of shouting etc.
Her father & I separated/divorced almost 4yrs ago & she has lived with me for the last two years. He has a New Partner & I have a partner (Rider In Black)
He wants to spend time with the kids & takes his responsibilities very seriously. (He would've made an awesome Dad for his own kids if he'd had any). He has been awesome with me too;-) Coming with me to see the school councilor & just being there when I've tried to discipline her.
Are there any other parents with new partners or even single parents suffering the same stuff as we are here??

[MyGSXF]

How old is she BB??

[u4ea]

Um its called HORMONES.............
I have recently taken on another teen as well as my 16 yr old.They are boys but the same dynamics apply.I have found the friction starts when I ask them to do something.After discusion it turns out that they are just loaded with stuff ie:work,homework or girlfreind issues etc and feel any thing extra is too much to deal with.I use rewards and praise and always ask not demand that things get done.Some of her problems may be to do with the seperation and finding identity and where she fits in the world.For the mot part I dont make a big deal out of "events" or "sulks "as they pass and there will alway be another issue to deal with the next day.

[HDTboy]

Mum was having quite a bit of hassle with my baby brother (13) about a year ago. It got to the point where I had to sit down and have a chat with him.
I found out from him that he felt as if he weren't being treated like the adult he felt he was. I explained to him that being treated like an adult means acting like one, I also told mum how he felt, and that he expected to be treated like an adult, spoken to with respect, and as an equal.
With a slight change of behaviour from bot of them, they now get on very well, my brother helps around the house with a bit of asking, and mum helps him fend off the girls constantly ringing to talk to him.

It's a two way street, hope what I've said can be of some use to you.


Edit: Blaming hormones is bullshit, it's about respect.

[Blue Babe]

She's going to be 15yrs old early next month

[Blue Babe]

Mum was having quite a bit of hassle with my baby brother (13) about a year ago. It got to the point where I had to sit down and have a chat with him.
I found out from him that he felt as if he weren't being treated like the adult he felt he was. I explained to him that being treated like an adult means acting like one, I also told mum how he felt, and that he expected to be treated like an adult, spoken to with respect, and as an equal.
With a slight change of behaviour from bot of them, they now get on very well, my brother helps around the house with a bit of asking, and mum helps him fend off the girls constantly ringing to talk to him.

It's a two way street, hope what I've said can be of some use to you.


Edit: Blaming hormones is bullshit, it's about respect.


You are right, she wants us to treat her like an adult, but respect is a two way thing. She expects us to respect her & her wishes but in return she doesn't respect us or our wishes. I do try to treat her like a young adult, but then she throws in a 5yr old child tantrum. As I said her moods are just like a light switch.

[Mystery]

Hi BB
I feel for you! When my daughter hit 14 she went from a model daughter/student to a nightmare. She had made a lot of friends, who werent interested in attending school and were more interested in boys, staying out all night, drinking and smoking. Most of these girls had no respect for their parent/s. Relations broke down between us and things were a lot like you describe with your daughter. She was really hard work sometimes.

But like HDTboy's brother, she thought of herself as an adult and that we didnt respect her and were treating her as a child. We tried to explain things from our point of view, in that we were responsible for her, loved her and cared about her and her welfare. We had to make compromises and so did she. She was our firstborn, the crashtest daughter, and we had to rethink the rules a little. We encouraged her friends to hang out at our home (helped keep the room a bit tidier) and made a point of getting to know them. I think that earning their respect, made her realise that we werent so bad because, hey they all liked us!

I am on my own now raising 3 teenage sons. They are all great kids, but lawnmowing, dishes or any chores, causes a lot of tension in this house. Usually I ask them to do it, explain to them that I just cant handle doing everything by myself and if they dont move quickly enough or argue too much, I just think stuff it and do it myself. I can guarantee that 9 times out of 10, within 5 minutes, the lawnmower is taken off me or I have a helper to do the dishes. Perhaps guilting them out isnt the way to do it but for me, it works!

Please know that this stage your daughter is going through will pass. You will find a way to get through it and if you are there for her when she needs you it will work out.

My daughter no longer has black hair with red streaks. She is 21 now, has a great job and has just got engaged to a lovely guy! She calls in everyday on her way home from work and we have a coffee and chat. We are best friends!

[McJim]

I think it's just a phase - I got really untidy when I was 14..stayed out late, drank, smoked (well technically I started smoking at 8) did everything wrong - luckily never got caught by the police during any of my really dodgy illegal stages and started to calm down by about the age of 29 - got married and became a contributing member of society.

I've been a responsible adult for nearly 8 years now.

[MyGSXF]

She's getting to the age of wanting to be independant & wanting to be an individual in her own right.. but hasn't quite got the developmental maturity to carry it all off just yet. It will come.. in a few more years! :rolleyes:

Yes, hormones are playing their part now also!! :crybaby: pmt can be a right bitch.. at any age!! :doh:

Does she see her Dad regularly?? She's had a lot of change & quite possibly has the "you're not my dad/mum" thing happening with the new partners. It's an important age for daughters to have their dads playing a major role in their lives! It's great that your new partner wants to take an active role in her life!! but it will all take time to gel. :niceone:

Are you all able to do some joint family counselling sessions?? Where feelings can be expressed in a safe & neutral environment? There are some great books out there on "blended family/step parenting" situations, that can offer some very helpful advice on how to deal with issues! Can you check out your local library.. or TradeMe for some?

I'm a solo parent of 2 boys, 5 & 11 1/2 & have dealt with, & am currently dealing with some of the similar situations. It can be bloody tough at times!!! :crazy: Getting support from agencies who are trained/qualified to help, has made a huge difference. I have had to learn & accept that it takes a community to raise kids..:yes: NOT just the parents doing ALL the work! :oi-grr: Also.. have you got a local community centre/womens house?? They are a wealth of information & support, & can often point you in the right direction to seek appropriate help! :Punk:

Hang in there.. keep the communication lines open with her.. let her know that you are always available to talk when she wants.. & without judgement. Keep letting her know how special she is, & how much you love her. :love:

All the very best!!

Jen :rockon:

[Blue Babe]

Hi BB

I am on my own now raising 3 teenage sons. They are all great kids, but lawnmowing, dishes or any chores, causes a lot of tension in this house. Usually I ask them to do it, explain to them that I just cant handle doing everything by myself and if they dont move quickly enough or argue too much, I just think stuff it and do it myself. I can guarantee that 9 times out of 10, within 5 minutes, the lawnmower is taken off me or I have a helper to do the dishes. Perhaps guilting them out isnt the way to do it but for me, it works!


We've done exactly the same thing, asking even telling, but to no avail & now just get on and do it all ourselves. So far she hasn't taken the Guilt hint.
It's very frustrating & I'm biting my tongue pretty hard, Not to Let Loose on Her.

[jafar]

It is a phase most go through , they start seeing changes in their bodies, boys are now interesting, social pressures from theirs 'friends'. In general a lot of changes & confusion is happening in their lives. The fact that Mum & Dad are no longer together only adds the the confusion, mum says this but dad says that & the friends @ school say something else.
The thing I have found that helps is spending one on one time with my children & my stepchildren, getting to know them as individuals, they then see who I am & I get an insight to their lives as well. No two teenagers are the same & the difficulties they face are often unique to them in a lot of respects but not that hard to deal with when you actually get involved with them & talk things through.
Time is the key to dealing with those that are teenaged & still finding their feet.

[mbazza]

Counselling by bikers, now there's a thought! Cheers. :calm:

[Blue Babe]

Yes, hormones are playing their part now also!! :crybaby: pmt can be a right bitch.. at any age!! :doh:

Does she see her Dad regularly?? She's had a lot of change & quite possibly has the "you're not my dad/mum" thing happening with the new partners. It's an important age for daughters to have their dads playing a major role in their lives! It's great that your new partner wants to take an active role in her life!! but it will all take time to gel. :niceone:

Are you all able to do some joint family counselling sessions?? Where feelings can be expressed in a safe & neutral environment? There are some great books out there on "blended family/step parenting" situations, that can offer some very helpful advice on how to deal with issues! Can you check out your local library.. or TradeMe for some?

I'm a solo parent of 2 boys, 5 & 11 1/2 & have dealt with, & am currently dealing with some of the similar situations. It can be bloody tough at times!!! :crazy: Getting support from agencies who are trained/qualified to help, has made a huge difference. I have had to learn & accept that it takes a community to raise kids..:yes: NOT just the parents doing ALL the work! :oi-grr: Also.. have you got a local community centre/womens house?? They are a wealth of information & support, & can often point you in the right direction to seek appropriate help! :Punk:


Jen :rockon:

Thank you for that much appreciated. She hasn't seen her father in a year cause he fucked off to China with his chinese Girlfriend... (Long Story!!) He didn't give either of my kids much notice of his move. My son had to move in with me which he wasn't impressed with, but now on Hindsight it was the best thing that could've happened to him. He's got a full time job & is boarding at a friend's parents place etc.
We are concerned for "Z" in particular, because she could do something really silly. Last week during a particularly bad episode she informed Doug that she had made "Other arrangements to be picked up after work". Doug told her to tell me, but she just stormed off to school. I realised she'd been txting her brother so I went to see him & find out exactly what had been said, which wasn't much in the end, but she'd gone to see a friend of mine & told her what she was planning. She was planning to stay at her brothers place that night, which we disagreed with because the argument should stay in the family home. It wasn't fair on her Brother or the family where he is living & she needs to come home & sort herself out. As you can imagine when he picked her up from work & turned left instead of right she was pretty furious with him & Us.
I rang her father, which wasn't an easy conversation as we haven't got on very well since the separation. He wasn't impressed & his reply was "I'll Think about it". Mind you he had only arrived back in the country 24hrs earlier. Doug & I then went & saw the school councillor, where we talked for over an hour & a half, coming away feeling alot more postive & stronger as a couple. "Z" reckons she won't see the councilor & if she has to go in the room she won't say anything, but we've been told not to worry as they have their means & ways to get the kids talking.
She is a little more settled but we are still tip toeing around her. There are other issues which need to be sorted & some of them we have no idea about.

[MyGSXF]

Thank you for that much appreciated. She hasn't seen her father in a year cause he fucked off to China with his chinese Girlfriend... (Long Story!!) He didn't give either of my kids much notice of his move. My son had to move in with me which he wasn't impressed with, but now on Hindsight it was the best thing that could've happened to him. He's got a full time job & is boarding at a friend's parents place etc.

I rang her father, which wasn't an easy conversation as we haven't got on very well since the separation. He wasn't impressed & his reply was "I'll Think about it". Mind you he had only arrived back in the country 24hrs earlier. Doug & I then went & saw the school councillor, where we talked for over an hour & a half, coming away feeling alot more postive & stronger as a couple. "Z" reckons she won't see the councilor & if she has to go in the room she won't say anything, but we've been told not to worry as they have their means & ways to get the kids talking.
She is a little more settled but we are still tip toeing around her. There are other issues which need to be sorted & some of them we have no idea about.

That's a real shame about her dad abandoning her like that!! :angry: She will be feeling that rejection deeply for sure!! :( My oldest is dealing with the very same issue currently! I got a disibility allowance for him to see a Counsillor, & I found one who specialises in dealing with children & teenagers!! He enjoys going to see her, & we are also working on strengthening 'our' relationship too! I know we are on the right track with her!! :yes:

It sounds great that the school counsillor you have there is onto things!! :niceone: Stick with it & keep communicating!! It takes courage & balls to reach out for help.. & it can be bloody hard work.. but hang in there, & things will change & get better! :)It will take time, but keep heart that you DO still have your beautiful daughter.. but she is hurting a lot, & acting out that hurt. :mellow:

Be gentle on yourself too BB, you're obviously a great mum!!:first: & you're dong a great job!! Being a parent is by far the hardest job on Earth!! :crazy:

Jen :hug:

[Kittyhawk]

I used to be the same! Didnt help around the house, didnt participate in family outings, yelled at my parents - I treated them like shit.
Yes my bedroom was a mess, you couldnt see the floor either.

When I moved out things changed, I had to do it for myself. Now Im a neat freak, everything has to be in its place, I cant stand mess.

It's prob just a phase. Transition of being a child to becoming an adult.

She'll turn out ok in the end. :love:

[Laava]

15 going on 30 acting like 2!
Feel sorry for you BB and the only advice I can give you is talk to my Jo about it next time you see her. She has been thru all that with her 3.
It will get better!
Makes it very hard for new partners too as they can NEVER replace the absent parent and in fact can be the source of much resentment at this difficult age. [My experience!] Your lad seems like a nice fella though and obviously has a good rapport with R.I.B. Ignore my wafflings tho and talk to Jo, she has the experience! I'm sure R.I.B knows how to get hold of us tho if you want a chat when things are bad and we're just round the corner!
Good luck tho and might see you on Wed night?

[slowpoke]

Transition of being a child to becoming an adult.


Yup.
C'mon BB, don't you remember what it was like as a maturing (I use the word loosely!) adolescent? Were you a choir girl from age 3 through to 30? Did you never test the boundaries?
As with many things in life it's about power and control.
As a child the pecking order is very rigidly set, you are the lowest figure on the totem pole and you are expected to be courteous, obedient etc etc to those who are obviously bigger and more knowledgeable than you, or there will be definite consequences....and you know no different.
As you enter that transitional phase you become aware that the power balance has shifted slightly, you aren't quite so intimidated by elder figures, they aren't much bigger than you, you are able to shoot holes in some of their "logic", and the consequences aren't so defined.
As a result you tend to challenge and sometimes offend those around you, either knowing or unknowingly. The child is realizing that they actually have some control over their own life and understandably tend to challenge others who would seek to threaten or limit that control.
While the child is adjusting to and testing their own capabilities the adult also has a transitional phase to go through as the have to start to relinquish the reins. The child has a lot to learn during this phase but equally the adult, as instead of instant subservience from their "baby" they now have a semi-adult challenging their decisions, clashes of ego and a myriad of reactions to every action.
Controlling parents made for an easy decision for my partner and I to leave the country many years ago. Unfortunately since returning we've found the controlling/judging habits are still flourishing and I can see some harsh words ahead.
Therein lies the trick. At some stage you have to begin the transition from parenting your children to befriending them, because they are responsible for their own decisions.
Does it matter that you can't see the floor for dirty clothes? Nup. Does it matter that she has a penchant for all things Goth? Nup. Does it matter that you have a working relationship with her? Yup.
All I can suggest is pick your battles wisely and make sure they are worth fighting.


This has been another sermon from the righteous Reverend Rantalot and the good folks at Miracles-R-Us......

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi i had 3 teenage daughter all about 18 month between and believe me it can only get worst buckle up for the ride. My exsperaican of those years where a nightmare and you are going to have to be bloody strong for the next few years.When we meet up one day i will tell you about it and how i dealt with it way to long for on line.

I will say one of the things when one of my daughter started the mood changes was drugs so whatch for the signs.

If you every want to talk get my number of rider in black.
Remeber to keep :D

[Dafe]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definate dinstict pattern taking place here.

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

Not meaning to be a bible basher, I despise anybody who thinks they are a better person because of their religion or especially somebody who pushes their religion onto those that aren't interested, but I think this has alot of relevance. I think it relates to family upbringing and the instilling of strong morals and ethics from a very early age.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!

God bless you all!:baby:

[slowpoke]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definate dinstict pattern taking place here.

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

Not meaning to be a bible basher, I despise anybody who thinks they are a better person because of their religion or especially somebody who pushes their religion onto those that aren't interested, but I think this has alot of relevance. I think it relates to family upbringing and the instilling of strong morals and ethics from a very early age.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!

God bless you all!:baby:

I was waiting for it. I was tossing up between a sarcastic and a serious response but suffice to say if you ever want to create a barrier between yourself and your kids then religion is a good place to start.

[Blue Babe]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definite dinstict pattern taking place here.

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

Not meaning to be a bible basher, I despise anybody who thinks they are a better person because of their religion or especially somebody who pushes their religion onto those that aren't interested, but I think this has alot of relevance. I think it relates to family upbringing and the instilling of strong morals and ethics from a very early age.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!

God bless you all!:baby:

I believe religion starts at home. I gave my kids the choice of whether to go to church or not. They both did the Sunday School thing when they were younger, but that was their choice I never pushed either way. My father is an atheist, but I have always thought there was more to & did go to church when I was younger. You bring your kids up teaching them right from wrong, respect of themselves, their belongings & others. In the company of others both my kids are very well behaved & know their P's & Q's. In that respect I have brilliant kids, but at the moment with "Z" she has an attitude problem. Yes she is testing her boundaries as a young adult, but to shout & yell at me (she hasn't tried it with Doug lately) is not on. I'm not asking for the cleanest room, but a bit tidier would be cool. I'm not asking her to do everything my way, I want her to talk to me, not shout & to tell me to "WAIT" or what ever. She is very stubborn, (suppose that is the red head in her) & She always has to have the last word.
I have brought my kids up knowing what morals, right from wrong etc is & they do know it. They actually aren't bad kids at the end of the day, just "Z" is a bit mixed up with herself, with trapped anger, hormones & life.

[chanceyy]

I can relate to some of wot is being said ..

I too went through the phase of living in a pig sty .. when it suited me I would clean it .. why .. cause my room was my room & it was one area that was my own & I could control (well kinda) .... plus factor I knew it drove her crazy

I too had major conflicts with my mother, some of the most major impacts on my life these days came from those yrs ...

My father treated me as an individual & listened to wot i had to say .. my mother it was her way or no way .. very very hard times esp when she would have no trust & yet I never did anything to earn her distrust,

I could have easily gone off the rails at that point .. & prob would have but for the respect of my father ... & I did not want to disappoint him .. also the values that had been instilled in me growing up are the core of me, they will not change ..

[KATWYN]

Iand started to calm down by about the age of 29 - .


Yikes...lol

[yungatart]

Teenagers aren't easy. They don't come with a manual or a money back gaurantee either.
But it isn't easy for them either!They have so much more shit to deal with than I did whenI wasa teenager.
Let your daughter know that while you love her heaps, you do not like her beahaviour. Ask her to do something and give her a reason why you want it done and a reasonable time frame in which to do it.
If she does not comply, no biggie, it doesn't get done (or you do it yourself) but next time she wants something, say no..and then explain your reason...eg, "I asked you to do your room on Wednesday, you didn't so know you will not be going to the movies /whatever with your mates"
No lectures, no discussion.
Good luck!

[KATWYN]

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

:

and yet I have noticed (just my opinion)

In my experience the frustrated teenagers in a religiously oppressed or religiously hypocritcal household go right off the rails in the teen years creating a tonne of grief or they just get really clever at the double life thing...so they just appear to be the model child

[McJim]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.


Never been to Northern Irelend then? The 'Christian' fuckers over there were pretty nasty pieces of work.

I have childhood memories of receiving kickings from Bible thumpers. They never did it one on one - always a big team of the brave bastards.

A bit off topic but from my observations I have seen life prove to be diametrically opposite to the assertion of Dafe.

The local children who were the offspring of University lecturers etc were generally raised to be atheist and were well behaved. The local children of steelworkers and coal miners were devoutly protestant and unbelievably violent.

[007XX]

She's going to be 15yrs old early next month

Everyone has pretty much given you all the advice I could possibly give...

But yes, she will drive you nuts and she will push all the boundaries.
There is no easy way to go through this for either of you.

Maybe one suggestion: introduce her to older "mentors" type of people she would look up to and that you would trust. I'll explain:

Does she have a particular interest such as dancing, any sport or hobbie...then find someone worthwhile who practices that particular hobbie and introduce her to that person...

When you're a teenager, you do not feel like confiding to your parents, but if you have someone like that mentor, you will be able to confide in them and you as a parent can trust the mentor to give your teen great advice in return...

And of course, they can tell you about your teen's angst in confidence, so you can keep in touch with what is going on in your child's head...

It is a bit of organising, but it is worth it...just make sure that your teen doesn't suspect too much on the relation between you and the mentor.

I hope that helps a bit...good luck!
And you do sound like an awesome caring mum, so don't loose focus of that.

[Ocean1]

Teenagers aren't easy. They don't come with a manual or a money back gaurantee either.
But it isn't easy for them either!They have so much more shit to deal with than I did whenI wasa teenager.
Let your daughter know that while you love her heaps, you do not like her beahaviour. Ask her to do something and give her a reason why you want it done and a reasonable time frame in which to do it.
If she does not comply, no biggie, it doesn't get done (or you do it yourself) but next time she wants something, say no..and then explain your reason...eg, "I asked you to do your room on Wednesday, you didn't so know you will not be going to the movies /whatever with your mates"
No lectures, no discussion.
Good luck!

+1. Nice.

One thing, don't try to MAKE her do stuff, you can never control another's behaviour anyway but with teenagers it just reinforces the resentment and defiance. Ask yourself rather what you do for her, specifically what she fails to recognise as your continued support for her in her new-found "independant" adulthood. A withdrawl of priveledges can be more effective and less draining than a full-on row over when the dishes get done.

I tried really hard to make any consequences linked to the poor behaviour, if the dirty laundry didn't emerge from the pigsty for washing it didn't get done. If the bedroom door got slammed it came off it's hinges and got stored in the garage. If she didn't help with the housework then I didn't have time to taxi her to her friends place, (too busy with the housework see?). She may not like being treated like a child but if she want's the respect due an adult then she must learn that it's earned, not the result of asserting some God-given right.

It is hard, but be firm and fair. Above all be calm, and know that although it may seem hard to believe there is a functional adult brewing inside your girl's head.

[ManDownUnder]

I was kinda in her shoes at the age, and from me experience it's a very bewildering time. (Here's one account of it (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?p=1130989)). Note the comment on Step dads. In my experience they are simply victims waiting to be a regular target ... mine was till I grew out of it.

She has hormones raging and she'll probably be affecxted by the break up too - although the extent of that effect is hard to quantify from words on a screen. My one piece of advice is to treat her with respect and give her honest answers. Your emotional involvement with her Dad can easily spill over into her emotional involement (and when you think of it, it's a completely discreet relationship)... in other words what you feel about him shouldn't necessarily be the same as what she feels.

You can remove him from your life in an academic sense... she's can't. He is 1/2 her genetic makup - her heritage etc. I recall well the feelings of hating... something but not being able to point at what it was. I later found out it's dissonance. A feeling of hating one of my parents for doing something wrong, trying to match that up with the natural feelings of love and closeness one has for a parent, trying to understand in any way the fact they abandoned me and then hating my other parent for speaking ill of them.

All the while hormones up and down and they do at that age.

Something else I learned is that the pubescent years are possibly THE WORST time for adults to part in terms of the effects on the kids. They're forming their own identity right at that point, and when their world changes so radically, from reliable and stable, a comstant home dynamic, to... well - what you have now... it ALL goes up int he air, and where there used to be a template of "family" the pieces could be matched against - there no longer is. They have to find their own way in the world... making it up as you go along. I know - I did... and it took me 35 years and a couple of personal crises to start wanting to work this out. (Hence the length of the reply - and my passion for the subject).

She's ALSO doing the normal stuff of becoming her own woman, arguing with those that make the rules, pushing and bursting through boundaries... and it's all good stuff.

Last - have a word (or track down) Parents Inc (https://www.parentsinc.org.nz/for-children-and-teenagers/). They are nothing short of brilliant. I wholeheartedly recommend them for everyone, planning to have kids, with small kids, big kids or just learning about yourself. Seriously seriously good.

You'll see Ian and Mary Grant on the front page, and if you do (or do not) have Christian affiliations then your thoughs on them may taint your possible view of the organisation. I urge you - don't. This is a wonderfully practical common sense and fun learning time - find a conference they're putting on and go. You'll pick stuff up you had no idea of . Take your daughter if she'll go. She'll have a few things to say at the end of it too... some of the stuff she'll recognise - and you won't (possibly) believe.

Trust me - it will be good for all.

And good luck.

[Goblin]

Are there any other parents with new partners or even single parents suffering the same stuff as we are here??I feel your pain BB!
My daughter was such a sweet girl, loved school, tried really hard at everything until the day she turned 16. The Monday following her 16th birthday, I dropped her off at school as usual. Got a phonecall from the school saying they'd seen her get into a car with four others and off they went. She'd had 100% attendance from Intermediate through to High School then nothing! Hated school!

Then the boozing started...and the abusing me her little brothers. Then it was the self abuse...cutting herself. She got her lip peirced, only lasted a few weeks but she came home one day with a stud in her tongue. She had a job at New World but only did about three shifts then just didn't show up. Her boss phoned me to see if she was ok so I made her phone her back and explain why she never showed up or phoned in to let them know she wouldnt be in. She got fired.

Then the boyfriend with the little shitbox car with the giant baked-bean tin for a muffler came into her life and it's all turned to shit. I think she's on P. She's been stealing money from my wallet and booze from my cupboard. Her moodswings became intolerable. She had been doing NOTHING for 12 months and she turned 17 on the 9th of August. She got herself a job at a local cafe in town and shifted out last weekend. I havn't heard from her since. She left her room in a hell of a mess and all the lightbulbs are missing. When I asked her if she was on something she flew off the handle and got really defensive.

I really dont think kids these days have more shit to deal with than when I was young. My daughter has never been physically, emotionally and sexually abused yet she thinks the world owes her. I just dont understand it! When I turned 17 I had been working full time for 2 years and had my own bike and licence. When she was 14 I used to let her drive the car up our long driveway to get her interested in getting her licence. My mum bought her a Road Code for her 15th birthday and she promptly lost it. She borrowed one off one of her friends and promptly lost that one too. She has no ambition or goals in life other than to go out boozing with all her mates every night.

All I can do now is be here to pick up the pieces when she falls.

You're not alone in your struggle BB. At least you have a good man to cry on his shoulder and help you through the tough times. All the best and please let us know how it all pans out. :hug:

[Devil]

BB - my 2 cents, whether it's relevant or not.

When I was a teenager, being moaned/whined at would set me off in a millisecond. Whether it was do the chores, clean your room, make dinner or whatever, it didn't matter. The initial question or request would have been in THAT tone of voice that you can only get from a mother. Maybe you're not like that. Maybe you dont even know you do it, but stop and take a second to think about how you request things. That was one of the biggest things I hated, in my quest to be treated like an adult. If there was even a hint of a whine in there, that'd be it. The teenage mind would shut down and the answer would just be no.

It's not your fault, but there are things you can do to help avoid the reactions. Just a simple, polite "could you do xxxx please". Avoid all questions that involve asking why... "why haven't you..." "why cant you...". etc.

Also, if the response is positive, and you get an ok "... shortly, just want to finish watching/doing.." Then just let it go. 99% of things just dont need to be done *now*. Avoid repeating yourself about it too. Give a reasonable time for the request unless it is urgent...

Being a teenager was tiring :innocent:

[Dilligaf]

You've been given lots of advice but hey, I figure the more you get, the more you can sift through to find what will work for you...

Firstly, I would define what is negotiable and what is not... for example, as long as no food goes into her room, as long as it's just mess and she shuts her bedroom door, then does it REALLY matter if it's a pigsty?
Secondly, her looks are less important than your relationship with her - she wants blue hair? pft! whatever, you may think it's hideous, but again, it's a minor thing that can easily be changed but if it's something that is used to beat her up (figuratively speaking) then it's another hurdle in your relationship...
I would concentrate on mutual respect issues and working as a team issues regarding household chores. Respect has to be a two way thing - find her 'currency' (what they hold dearest) and use it to reward / punish her.

You know, youngatart was right, teenagers today are facing far more than we ever had to. I would hate to go through all of that again and don't envy my child having to do it one bit.

Sort out what you can live with and change the rest.

[Jorja]

One of my boys is nine next month. He throws the biggest tantrums at times. Often ending in
'YOU JUST DON'T LOVE ME!! I SHOULD JUST RUN AWAY!! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!!!!'

last night I let him go. He went to his friends house to cool off then i made him come home and sit down and talk to me calmly. Turns out he was feeling like crap (he has arthritis). But one minute he is the kindest, sweetest child and next he is like some monster someone else has raised.

Listening to other comments on here, I am thinking to myself maybe I should run away. When he gets to about 12

[RiderInBlack]

Awesome stuff Dudes and Dudettes:Punk:
Really Feel for ya Goblin. Lucky for Blue Babe and I, "Z" aren't got that bad (yet). We know that there is a lot of changes in "Z's" life. Both internally and externally, biochemically and emotionally. We are doing the best we can, and at the end of the day more concerned for her than the chores. Going to the School counsellor was the best thing for us as a couple, and I am deeply honoured that BB has allowed me to be part of this.
"Z" has improved greatly over the last week. She is one hell of a hard worker at her job and we never have had to nag her about getting her school work done. Her main sport is hockey, which she plays at 100+%. She is very hard on herself if the game doesn't go the way she wants it to go. "Z" is often very keen ta do new things, but gives up easily if they don't work out the way she wants it to go. She wanted ta try welding earlier this year so I took her out to my Father's work shop and set-up the arc welder on some waste steel. She had a go, but got very frustrated and angry very quickly when she couldn't get the rod started easierly. I tried to encourage her and showed her that even I had difficulty getting a weld started, but she soon gave up. This hardness on herself and impatience effects a lot of things in her life, and is part of our concern for her. Yes she will improve over time, but in the mean time she is at risk of taking life too hard.
She seems to have few friends at school and, if it wasn't for hockey, she doesn't go out of the house much. Looking forward ta summer again, cause we had a lot of fun with letting her learn ta ride the old TS125 Ag bike. She has asked to go possum hunting before and I wish ta be able ta do that with her too, but am not keen ta put a gun in her hand if she is still lossing it too easily.
With Father's day coming BB and I have been trying to encourage both "T" (BB's nearly 18 year old son) and "Z" to spend sometime with their Dad now he is back in the country. "T" said he will take "Z" down ta AK ta see him (I've offered fuel money), but can't see why he should "always" make the efford ta see his Dad. We want them ta have a better relationship with him as that can only be better for all of us, but at the end of the day that is up to "Z", "T", and their Dad.

[Winston001]

My daughter is 13 so I'm a bit apprehensive after reading this thread. I think the best thing in her favour is that as an oldest child, she is risk averse so hopefully won't be tempted into extremes of behaviour - drugs, alcohol etc. However I'm not assuming - we'll keep a steady eye on her.

The way I deal with my children is to mentally put myself in their shoes. I can remember, or at least sense what it is like to be 13. Once you capture that feeling it is a lot easier to understand motivations and reactions. Not that it is easy, it just helps.

Good luck. Most teenagers are difficult and yet they turn into fine adults.

[Goblin]

You know, youngatart was right, teenagers today are facing far more than we ever had to. I would hate to go through all of that again and don't envy my child having to do it one bit.

Sort out what you can live with and change the rest.This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

[RiderInBlack]

It's not your fault, but there are things you can do to help avoid the reactions. Just a simple, polite "could you do xxxx please". Avoid all questions that involve asking why... "why haven't you..." "why cant you...". etc.

Also, if the response is positive, and you get an ok "... shortly, just want to finish watching/doing.." Then just let it go. 99% of things just dont need to be done *now*. Avoid repeating yourself about it too. Give a reasonable time for the request unless it is urgent...

Being a teenager was tiring :innocent:Ya have a point there and as true Adults we need to lead by example (not easy I tell ya), but it does wear thin if she is not polite back ("Z" has one hell of a tone in her voice even if we ask nice). How do ya take someone stomping off and slamming their bedroom door if ya don't change the main TV to the chanel she wants (remeber she has her own TV in her room that she is free ta watch what she wants on) or getting snotty if she is asked ta give us room on the couch? Being a responcible Adult is even more tiring, but as a true Adult ya learn ta cope with that as just part of getting on with life.

[Duke girl]

I can honestly tell u that there r so many others who are in the same boat you are in. None of us have been taught how to be parents and we have only learnt wat we know from our own parents. Yimes have changed heaps since we were at their age and my oldest was exactly like yours is. Untidy room, no respect for me or to her younger sister and knows everything. Her father was never there for her when I was married to him and now that she has moved out and living with her boyfriend he is now back on the scene and in her life. Back in our day we were seen and not heard and there was no way in hell that we ever mouthed off to our parents. We had chores to do and if we didnt do them we were punished big time. I find kids today have no respect for their parents let alone themselves and I think we can thank society for that. try and keep strong and be there for her thru the good times and the bad as then she cant throw it back in yr face that u gave up on her. Good luck and hope it all works out for you.

[yungatart]

This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

Well, I can only speak for when I was a teen, and I'm pretty old..
Drugs..I never even knew anyone who did drugs..the worst we had to contend with was nicking a beer off dad or stealing his smokes.
The materiial world...there was nowhere near the choices around of "stuff" to spend your money on, that is assuming that you had money to start with. The pressure of school, I swatted for two days to pass my School C..from text books I might add, as I didn't have any notes to study. Try and take a text book home from school now..
Finished 6th form and kicked back, cruised right through the school holidays hanging around with my friends, then went job hunting on the first day of the new school year and got a job...fulltime, as I wasn't going back to school.
There were also less media influences around for fashion, "the perfect body and the right look" hadn't even been invented.
Now, the pressure is on kids to "succeed", be sporty, ambitious, have their career mapped out, look good, wear the right clothes blah blah blah from such a young age...we forget that they are still kids.

[Joni]

This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things don’t happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.The internet has changed everyone lives... the hard part of "fitting in" that teenagers deal with has become bigger and harder with the internet. Just like here on KB people tend to be a lot harder on people when they are not face to face... the likes of Bebo, Facebook etc has made it harder for teens (but yes its lots of fun too)

Apparently the bullying factor has exploded through the internet, txt etc this created more unhappiness... when we were kids, there was nothing like that.

I read something of late that teenagers today are a lot more stressed that they were 20 years ago. They worry about financial stuff now.. Think about it, when you were teenager there weren't all the gadgets, designers etc that kids have to deal with today... this apparently creates stress.

All these plus the confusion that comes with being a teenager, has helped contribute to more unhappy and angry children... this in turn results in more expressions of that fear etc... and the reactions become so much stronger than they were when I was a teenager. They are carving their identity in a much more drastic way than we did…

Well that’s my take on thing, just taking my background and what I have had to deal with in the past. I may be wrong…

[RiderInBlack]

To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.This was the same for our Parents, we had it easier than they did, as they had it easier than theirs. Still remember Grandfather thinking we were a bunch of spoilt softies. Funny thing as I get older I find myself understanding more of were he was coming from. We were lucky ta get a TV and it was B&W. Change the channel on our parents, ya got ta be joking. I had 4 years of Boarding School. Shit ya got caned just for talking after lights out.
No I don't want ta bring those bad old days back (High School was not the best years of my life), but there is a balance to be had when it comes to discipline that seem ta be lacking now.
"Z" very much wants ta join the Army when she leaves school. Hope she has learnt some coping skills by then cause she will find it very hard if she tries arguing with them.
Funny thing is her hockey Couch gives them push-ups (real ones, not girly ones) if they don't do as they asked, and she actually revels in having ta do them. Go figure, LOL

[Dilligaf]

This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

Well okay, let's take the instant gratification thing then... I remember that if i or my family didn't have the 'latest' thing / gadget / label etc it was not a big deal. Bring on the advent of "get it now, you DESERVE it' message bombardment from advertisers and kids certainly do want it now and think they deserve it. Come on, Mum and Dad don't wait until they have the money for (insert anything here from LCD TV, home theatre systems, ipods etc etc etc), they HP it... why should teenager learn delayed gratification if Mum and Dad can't?

Drugs. Now, although a certain sprinkling of grey is evident in my hair, I was not THAT long ago in school. And the worst thing that I ever heard of (not offered please note) was tobacco! That was rebellion. And I went to a private girls school (not in NZ btw)- nowadays those same rich girls would more than likely have a excess of money and a lack of parental presence which is a nasty combination.

Sex. Well again, although given sex education complete with condoms on banana demonstrations, I was certainly never told that "Oral sex is not really sex" which is the crap peddled at our kids. Ever wondered why when we finally have a liberal sex education message with a no holds barred approach, why are our STD rates increasing? Teen pregnancy rates going up? Gosh if sperm are getting through, what else is? Again, hate to be navigating those waters as a teenage girl.

Also, there was a time when those youngsters who were not of a studious nature could opt for a vocation where they learnt on the job. And the schooling that they had received by then was enough to have them literate and numerate to a basic liveable level. Think you could get away with leaving school at 15 nowadays? Even your traditional jobs where it was all about the hands and not about the head have to go to tech or school of some sort. And then you are not guaranteed by then that you have the competency in literacy and numeracy that you will need to survive. (edit = ever wondered that's why there is an explosion of people offering finance to the lower socio economic end of society - how numerate do you think those people are? How has our education system failed those people? i.e. is it really greed or is it a lack of understanding as to what they are really signing up for? Because I know that many have been astounded at how much extra they have been conned in to unknowingly)

Basically I do think that our kids have a worse deal now. They have so much bullshit to navigate. Politicians call it spin. Manufacturers call it advertising. School tells them that there are no losers; that man is inherently good. They see people in the news accused of horrific things getting away with it because as a society we are not allowed to judge what is right and what is wrong "because everyone has their own truth".
Before my horse gets away on me :whocares:, that's my thoughts on why it would suck to go through adolescence again now.

[McJim]

Listening to other comments on here, I am thinking to myself maybe I should run away. When he gets to about 12

My mum actually did that.

It doesn't help :(

[RiderInBlack]

I'm a 63 model. That means I went ta High School in the 70's. Unemployment was well over 10%. Dropping out of school was not a smart move. There was drugs. LSD, Cocaine, Marijuana, alcohol and not to mention other things that some of us experimented with. Sex was there, but the education was a long way off catching up with it. Temptations was there. We all want cool clothes (Levi's, etc), the latest Hi-Fi's and music, and liked blowing our money on making our cars/bikes go faster (or at least make them look like they could). We also thought our lives were not worth it if we couldn't afford or have them. So really I don't think a lot in that has changed, just the way ya can get it has.

[Ocean1]

So really I don't think a lot in that has changed, just the way ya can get it has.

Amen. Big change though, could you have done without until you saved up for your toys if money was dangled in your face like it is today?

There's a quote lurking in the back of (what I shall, for now call) my mind, somat about someone ranting on about this new generation and how they got no respect etc etc. The quote's not important, the puncline is the source: Confucius (551-479 BC). It's supposed to highlight that all generations feel this way about their offspring.

[RiderInBlack]

Confucius (551-479 BC). It's supposed to highlight that all generations feel this way about their offspring.Very True that.
But really Dudes and Dudettes, we shouldn't be making excuses for behaviours or which Generation has it harder, but looking how we can make life better for everyone.

[Goblin]

When I was young if we couldn't afford it, we did without it. Same goes today. I remember when my Grandfather sold his family land in Australia he split some of the money between my mum and aunty. We went on a clothes shopping spree and actually bought brand new clothes. Mum bought a dining suite and had the lounge and hallway carpeted. It was like winning the golden kiwi!

During my teen years drugs were common and the pot and lsd were MUCH stronger than they are today. Sex was common too but condoms weren't.

My mum did her best to teach us right from wrong but my father undermined everything she said and taught us wrong things but it was ok if you didnt talk about it. No wonder I was so confused. At 14 I rebelled big time and put my poor mum through hell. It wasn't until I had my daughter that I realized what a bitch I had been.

I have taught my daughter right from wrong but she has turned around and now does all the wrong things just to get my back up. She knows I hate P and boyracers so has chosen that path to spite me. I hope she will find out in time that none of her friends or her boyfriend will ever love her as much as her family does.

[Lias]

White people, please beat your children!

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/455111/russell_peters_beating_your_kids/

[Dilligaf]

White people, please beat your children!

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/455111/russell_peters_beating_your_kids/

LMAO I love that video - SOmeone's gonna getta hurting real bad!

[Lias]

LMAO I love that video - SOmeone's gonna getta hurting real bad!

Aye hes one funny cheeky darkie :-P

[Winston001]

There's a quote lurking in the back of (what I shall, for now call) my mind, somat about someone ranting on about this new generation and how they got no respect etc etc. The quote's not important, the puncline is the source: Confucius (551-479 BC). It's supposed to highlight that all generations feel this way about their offspring.

Good try. Hessiod - Greek poet - 800-720BC

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.
Hesiod

And Socrates as recorded by Plato:

The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for
authority, they show disrespect to their elders.... They no longer
rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents,
chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their
legs, and are tyrants over their teachers.

[Ocean1]

Good try. Hessiod - Greek poet - 800-720BC


My memory's pretty good dude, but they do sorta blur after a couple of millennia.

And I am still trying. (Apparently).

[Winston001]

My memory's pretty good dude, but they do sorta blur after a couple of millennia.

And I am still trying. (Apparently).

Just being a pedant. That quote bothered me for years until I finally tracked it down recently. The wonders of Google.

Your well made point is that every generation rebels and their parents can't understand it. Eventually it all works out.

[Blue Babe]

Everyone has pretty much given you all the advice I could possibly give...

But yes, she will drive you nuts and she will push all the boundaries.
There is no easy way to go through this for either of you.

Maybe one suggestion: introduce her to older "mentors" type of people she would look up to and that you would trust. I'll explain:

Does she have a particular interest such as dancing, any sport or hobbie...then find someone worthwhile who practices that particular hobbie and introduce her to that person...

When you're a teenager, you do not feel like confiding to your parents, but if you have someone like that mentor, you will be able to confide in them and you as a parent can trust the mentor to give your teen great advice in return...

And of course, they can tell you about your teen's angst in confidence, so you can keep in touch with what is going on in your child's head...

It is a bit of organising, but it is worth it...just make sure that your teen doesn't suspect too much on the relation between you and the mentor.

I hope that helps a bit...good luck!
And you do sound like an awesome caring mum, so don't loose focus of that.

Thank you for that & to everyone else who have given us a lot to think about.. "Z" Plays hockey & is actually very good at it. I work with Laura Douglas, (Plays for the Black Sticks), so might ask her if she'd like to give "Z" some tips & maybe even a training session, with the idea of becoming her mentor.

[007XX]

Thank you for that & to everyone else who have given us a lot to think about.. "Z" Plays hockey & is actually very good at it. I work with Laura Douglas, (Plays for the Black Sticks), so might ask her if she'd like to give "Z" some tips & maybe even a training session, with the idea of becoming her mentor.

That sounds perfect...really hope you get somewhere with that. All the best, and without wanting to sound nosey, let us know how it goes...

My son is going to be 10 , so the "evil" years are just around the corner...it would help to know if my advice is any good. :o:sunny:

[Blue Babe]

I feel your pain BB!
My daughter was such a sweet girl, loved school, tried really hard at everything until the day she turned 16. The Monday following her 16th birthday, I dropped her off at school as usual. Got a phonecall from the school saying they'd seen her get into a car with four others and off they went. She'd had 100% attendance from Intermediate through to High School then nothing! Hated school!

Then the boozing started...and the abusing me her little brothers. Then it was the self abuse...cutting herself. She got her lip peirced, only lasted a few weeks but she came home one day with a stud in her tongue. She had a job at New World but only did about three shifts then just didn't show up. Her boss phoned me to see if she was ok so I made her phone her back and explain why she never showed up or phoned in to let them know she wouldnt be in. She got fired.

Then the boyfriend with the little shitbox car with the giant baked-bean tin for a muffler came into her life and it's all turned to shit. I think she's on P. She's been stealing money from my wallet and booze from my cupboard. Her moodswings became intolerable. She had been doing NOTHING for 12 months and she turned 17 on the 9th of August. She got herself a job at a local cafe in town and shifted out last weekend. I havn't heard from her since. She left her room in a hell of a mess and all the lightbulbs are missing. When I asked her if she was on something she flew off the handle and got really defensive.

I really dont think kids these days have more shit to deal with than when I was young. My daughter has never been physically, emotionally and sexually abused yet she thinks the world owes her. I just dont understand it! When I turned 17 I had been working full time for 2 years and had my own bike and licence. When she was 14 I used to let her drive the car up our long driveway to get her interested in getting her licence. My mum bought her a Road Code for her 15th birthday and she promptly lost it. She borrowed one off one of her friends and promptly lost that one too. She has no ambition or goals in life other than to go out boozing with all her mates every night.

All I can do now is be here to pick up the pieces when she falls.

You're not alone in your struggle BB. At least you have a good man to cry on his shoulder and help you through the tough times. All the best and please let us know how it all pans out. :hug:

You've just made my daughter look like an Angel!! I left school at 16 too & was working full time. I looked after my own laundry (everything, bedding clothes etc) from the time I turned 15. I took it to the laundrette once a week. I washed it all dried it all & even folded it all. Ask Doug what I'm like with Laundry today:yes: Still quite fussy how it's all done, but I have backed off on chasing "Z"'s for her washing etc. If it's not in the basket it doesn't get done & if I find stuff all over her floor when I've asked nicely for her to clean it up, it will now go in a bag.
Like wise I hope Your daughter comes down to earth soon & that she is alright when she does. This parenting stuff of teenagers is quite scary.

[ManDownUnder]

When I was young if we couldn't afford it, we did without it. Same goes today. I remember when my Grandfather sold his family land in Australia he split some of the money between my mum and aunty. We went on a clothes shopping spree and actually bought brand new clothes. Mum bought a dining suite and had the lounge and hallway carpeted. It was like winning the golden kiwi!

During my teen years drugs were common and the pot and lsd were MUCH stronger than they are today. Sex was common too but condoms weren't.

My mum did her best to teach us right from wrong but my father undermined everything she said and taught us wrong things but it was ok if you didnt talk about it. No wonder I was so confused. At 14 I rebelled big time and put my poor mum through hell. It wasn't until I had my daughter that I realized what a bitch I had been.

I have taught my daughter right from wrong but she has turned around and now does all the wrong things just to get my back up. She knows I hate P and boyracers so has chosen that path to spite me. I hope she will find out in time that none of her friends or her boyfriend will ever love her as much as her family does.

ouch... sounds like Tough love might be an option?

One thing I saw in a previous life was a right little bastard of a 14 year old turn into a disciplined, courteous young man in a REALLY short space of time when he thought guns and adventure were the way to go... so he enlited in the Army. Got 7 bells of shit kicked out of him through boot camp and then gave (and was given) respect.

If it's an option I'd HIGHLY recommend it. It's the one experience that really opened my eyes to the Armed forces and their potential impact on shaping youth. I may be wrong in assuming it's good for everyone - I only have one experience/example to draw on... but this kid went from terrorising the house (e.g. luiterally attaching 240 volts from the mains to doorhandles from the other side... to hell with the deadly consequences)... to a respectful, confident and honest young man that held himself accountable for his deeds.

[Blue Babe]

That sounds perfect...really hope you get somewhere with that. All the best, and without wanting to sound nosey, let us know how it goes...

My son is going to be 10 , so the "evil" years are just around the corner...it would help to know if my advice is any good. :o:sunny:

They say boys go through this crap a few years later than girls. I think we nipped "T"'s in the bud. He was supposed to stay at school for another year, but I didn't push it either way, as we want him to be happy either way. He found himself a full time job as a driver/store person ( which is awesome for a 17yr old who hasn't had his full licence for a year yet) & is on minimum wage for an 18yr old. He has moved out of the family home & is boarding. He has an awesome girlfriend. Don't get me wrong we had our differences, He wouldn't pay me board & was out all hours of the day & night. We never knew whether he was in or out & I used to get really pissed off with it, especailly when You've cooked a meal & it is wasted or you haven't cooked for him & he turns up & say's "Where's my Dinner?"
The main thing is if he needs us, we are here for him & we have had some very interesting conversations since he's moved out.
The one thing that has hurt me with all this is that he hasn't told his Dad Squat. I've nagged him since he left school, got his job, moved out, bought his new car & got his tattoo, to tell his father. He has thought it one big joke. Unfortunately, with what's been going on with "Z", I had to ring his father & because of the way the conversation went I had to tell him that our son isn't living with me any more. It was one of the hardest conversations I've had with him & no doubt it will still be all my fault :whocares: Thats another story in itself.
All in all I'm very proud how "T" has got on & started maturing into an awesome young man. Experience will come with time.. He wants to join the Police at some stage & life experiences are what he needs right now.

[007XX]

They say boys go through this crap a few years later than girls. I think we nipped "T"'s in the bud. He was supposed to stay at school for another year, but I didn't push it either way, as we want him to be happy either way. He found himself a full time job as a driver/store person ( which is awesome for a 17yr old who hasn't had his full licence for a year yet) & is on minimum wage for an 18yr old. He has moved out of the family home & is boarding. He has an awesome girlfriend. Don't get me wrong we had our differences, He wouldn't pay me board & was out all hours of the day & night. We never knew whether he was in or out & I used to get really pissed off with it, especailly when You've cooked a meal & it is wasted or you haven't cooked for him & he turns up & say's "Where's my Dinner?"
The main thing is if he needs us, we are here for him & we have had some very interesting conversations since he's moved out.
The one thing that has hurt me with all this is that he hasn't told his Dad Squat. I've nagged him since he left school, got his job, moved out, bought his new car & got his tattoo, to tell his father. He has thought it one big joke. Unfortunately, with what's been going on with "Z", I had to ring his father & because of the way the conversation went I had to tell him that our son isn't living with me any more. It was one of the hardest conversations I've had with him & no doubt it will still be all my fault :whocares: Thats another story in itself.
All in all I'm very proud how "T" has got on & started maturing into an awesome young man. Experience will come with time.. He wants to join the Police at some stage & life experiences are what he needs right now.

Well done with your young man...

Yep, I was a handful to my mum (surprise, surprise, I hear some of you say! :o)...but in the end I turned out ok (I think!).

You very much have to ride it out I guess, doing the best you can as a parent, and not beat yourself up if things can't always be controled.

But you already knew that...:D

[yod]

....I despise anybody who thinks they are a better person because of their religion or especially somebody who pushes their religion onto those that aren't interested.....

but you'll happily push it on your kids...who dont even have a chance to decide if they're "interested" or not

[Goblin]

I think the title of the thread speaks volumes. They are "changelings"! If we've put in the ground work and layed some good foundations then there is a good chance that they will get over this stage and come out the other end as decent human beings. Well I hope so anyway.:bye:

[Winston001]

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definite distinct pattern taking place here.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!



Don't want to hijack the topic but I agree with Dafe. I was brought up going to church but ignored it as an adult. However once my children were born I started taking them to church.

Why? Because I think the spiritual aspect of life is largely lacking in Western society. I want my children to at least know the basics of Christianity and religion so they can learn respect and understanding for other beliefs as they grow up.

I also happen to believe that most religions serve to provide a moral and ethical framework for people so they are better members of the community.

Now I know every one of us can point to a bad religious person (Graham Capil etc) but that overlooks the millions of good people. After all, the odd biker deals in drugs - does that mean we all do?

[RiderInBlack]

"Don't want to hijack the topic"
Then please don't. Do not want this ta head to the Pointless Drivel.

Much good has been said here. So although we agree with some and some we may not, it has all helped us look at the bigger picture. So thanks Dudes and Dudettes:Punk:

[Laava]

You guys hang in there! In 3,4 or 5yrs you'll all be laughing about it!:yes:

[RiderInBlack]

You guys hang in there! In 3,4 or 5yrs you'll all be laughing about it!:yes:
Thanks Mate. Will give BlueBabe ya Mobile. Not there tonight and "Z's" tried it on again while a friend of BB's was visiting knowing BB would not like ta make a seen. Just too bad cause "Z" was going so well this morning. Wish I had been there ta support BB. Had a long chat ta BB on MSN. Hope she can get some sleep ta night. Will be there tomorrow.

[Holy Roller]

The internet has changed everyone lives... the hard part of "fitting in" that teenagers deal with has become bigger and harder with the internet. Just like here on KB people tend to be a lot harder on people when they are not face to face... the likes of Bebo, Facebook etc has made it harder for teens (but yes its lots of fun too)

Apparently the bullying factor has exploded through the internet, txt etc this created more unhappiness... when we were kids, there was nothing like that.

I read something of late that teenagers today are a lot more stressed that they were 20 years ago. They worry about financial stuff now.. Think about it, when you were teenager there weren't all the gadgets, designers etc that kids have to deal with today... this apparently creates stress.

All these plus the confusion that comes with being a teenager, has helped contribute to more unhappy and angry children... this in turn results in more expressions of that fear etc... and the reactions become so much stronger than they were when I was a teenager. They are carving their identity in a much more drastic way than we did…

Well that’s my take on thing, just taking my background and what I have had to deal with in the past. I may be wrong…

The Internet, Texting, mobile phones instant communication allows one to respond and react instantly to the other who may be in their face. In my day there was at least a couple of hours or even days before we confronted that person and the edge usually had been taken off the situation by then. Notr so now, just pure venom and unthought out emotions instantly blazed across what ever media one happens to be using at the time.

I have 5 kids, the oldest two are a real credit to the Mrs and myself, I am real proud of them. Since they have left home techonolgy has changed so much so quickly its another world that the next lot of changelings are exposed to. We have brought up all of the kids to live by the Judeo-Christian ethic, but there comes a time when they make their own decisions. Rightly or wrongly depending on the values one has tried to instill. Each child is different and reacts different to any given situation, I've just got to be there for them when they make right or wrong (bad, dumb) decisions, this is not always easy as I feel that the responsibility of their decisions is mine and this somehow reflects on me as a person.(bad kids= bad parents) especially as one is well known in the community.
While my kids are not in the (bad) category, they are trying to find where they fit and who they are in society, not an easy ask in this age. Emo is the grouping my kids who are still at home are identifing with at the moment. Thankfully its more the music style that they like than the cutting of the wrists. The bands they listen to are positive and helpfull (Underoath, Demon Hunter, August Burns Red) and I like them so that helps heaps. I try to keep the communication lines open, not always easy and often with heaps of static. I find that we are much easier on the younger ones now, though not fully convinced that this is the best for them. I guess that I just got to be there for them come hell or high water. This weekend I'm taking my daughter to the Cold Kiwi honouring a promise. She is so excited to be going with her dad. I'm looking forward to it, spending some time with her and proberly more money than I should.
Even though I have had a couple of kids leave home everything changes and I have to readjust to the needs of those who are still at home. What worked with the older ones often wont work with the younger ones, this parenting of changelings is hard yaka no wonder I'm going grey.

[slowpoke]

Aaaaaah, who are we kiddin' here, just lock 'em under the stairs from the age of 12 to 35. Honestly, watching them come cautiously out into the sunlight, gratitude written all over their grubby lil' faces......it's.......it's just one of those precious parenting moments that makes it all worthwhile........

[Dafe]

Never been to Northern Irelend then? The 'Christian' fuckers over there were pretty nasty pieces of work.



Haha, I have heaps of family over there and I myself am half Irish.

I've not seen the behaviour you describe at my local church, not in over 30 years. Doubt I ever will. However you are describing an extremist situation, not one describing the reality of our NZ environment.

Please, don't bring afghanistan into this either.

[Laava]

Aaaaaah, who are we kiddin' here, just lock 'em under the stairs from the age of 12 to 35. Honestly, watching them come cautiously out into the sunlight, gratitude written all over their grubby lil' faces......it's.......it's just one of those precious parenting moments that makes it all worthwhile........
Dad?? Is that you?

[RiderInBlack]

Aaaaaah, who are we kiddin' here, just lock 'em under the stairs from the age of 12 to 35. Honestly, watching them come cautiously out into the sunlight, gratitude written all over their grubby lil' faces......it's.......it's just one of those precious parenting moments that makes it all worthwhile........Funny that. In a way that's what my parents did. 7day boarding School from 13 to17yrs. Then private boarding @ 18 while doing Polytec. Then Flatting as I was working full time. The advantage of being 40km out of town back in the 70's and 80's.

[Blue Babe]

"Z" Saw the school councilor today & she rang me. I'm a bit gob smacked as "Z" has said I'm an awesome mother. She's just feeling a bit left out or as she put it pushed out because of Doug. Councilor said that is natural & to spend time with her... Thought I was doing that (which I am, Heaps of time) Any way councilor has said to be patient as she is having teenager jealousy which is normal & that she will get over it as soon as she finds an outlet. i.e. Boyfriend or some other sport or interest to keep her occupied, so she doesn't sit & brood all day long. In the meantime we must stick to our guns with her room & the TV etc. I will also make a 'girls day only', about once a fortnight or once a month depending on whats happening with her & with Us. I will also encourage her to get out more & spend time with her friends, cause that could be another problem.
Suppose it is just time that will sort this one out as every one has said.
Thank you to all who have had an input to this thread. It is very much appreciated & has given us food for thought that we aren't that bad off compared to some of you out there. Hope every one elses comes right too.
Thanks again... Trish :first:

[MyGSXF]

Heya Trish & Doug.. That's awesome to hear!!! :2thumbsup Of course you are a great mum!!!! :first: & Z knows that!!! :niceone: The girlie day sounds fantastic too.. paint each other nails & eat chocolate!! :drool:

Jen :hug:

[Mom]

I'm a bit gob smacked as "Z" has said I'm an awesome mother.


Now see feeling gobsmaked is silly Trish! Of course you are a wonderful mother!

Good feed back from the councillor too, seems young 'Z' has lots working in her favour.

[mstriumph]

and yet I have noticed (just my opinion)

In my experience the frustrated teenagers in a religiously oppressed or religiously hypocritcal household go right off the rails in the teen years creating a tonne of grief or they just get really clever at the double life thing...so they just appear to be the model child

you are right, of course
and, unfortunately, people with a poor self-image or unresolved worth issues tend to become uncritical followers of whomsoever they percieve to be 'strong' --------- no matter how deluded or inappropriate that may be

it's as though their powers of discernment are suspended ...........

[Blue Babe]

I came home from work yesterday to find "Z" had completely re-arranged her room, dusted, vacuumed & made her bed :msn-wink: Most impressed. Even her mood has improved from the last few days of hell again.
Today she spotted a rabbit in the pet store & went all gooey over it. Nagged & nagged at me for it. In the end I said she could but she must pay for the whole thing i.e. cage, hay, food etc etc & that she will have to take full responsibility for her actions in her room (keeping it clean & tidy) & with the rabbit. (keeping it clean & tidy). If she doesn't then I will remove the rabbit & sell it & keep the money. Also her attitude towards Doug & I must improve dramatically Today & then remain better permanently. Have I done right Or have I done wrong........???? I'll find out soon enough Huh???
I've also been a bit naughty in the fact I didn't talk to Doug, first about it, which I know I should've done, but I'm hoping his love of animals will stand me in good stead :niceone: It was the last bunny & the others had been sold real quick. :cool:

[Ocean1]

Guess it's the right thing to do if it produces positive results eh?
Sounds like things have improved anyway, I'm glad for you.

One thing, don't make threats (or promises) you may not keep. If she fucks up badly will you really sell the bunny? If you do what will that achieve? If you don't what will she learn from that?

[Blue Babe]

One thing, don't make threats (or promises) you may not keep. If she fucks up badly will you really sell the bunny? If you do what will that achieve? If you don't what will she learn from that?

I probably couldn't sell "Bugs" now as he is so cute but I will have to do something to make her realise we mean what we say...I'll have to think about how to go about it all etc

[devnull]

I probably couldn't sell "Bugs" now as he is so cute but I will have to do something to make her realise we mean what we say...I'll have to think about how to go about it all etc

I can post some great casserole recipes :innocent:

[peasea]

I can post some great casserole recipes :innocent:

Go for it; bit late in the year but we could save them for next winter.

[sweetp]

Hi BB, sounds like things are going well and fingers crossed it continues. I just picked up on a couple of things in the tread and thought I would throw a few ideas out there.

If Z wants to join the army then have you considered enroling her in cadets? It will certainly get her out of the house and teach her respect and discipline. You can find your nearest unit at www.cadetforces.mil.nz I was a cadet for a number of years and certainly there was a fair few kids who acted like Z is, some improved, some didn't but cadet officers are trained to deal with difficult kids and certainly she will get something out of it.

The other thing is the army offers a week long "experience" run during the school holidays. It gives the kids an opertunity to learn about army life (they are not to tough on them, although the have early morning PT!) and the various career options. You can I think organise it through the local recuitment office or pm wannabiker who could let you know more (although not this week as he is up at Waiouru on one).

All the best.

[Blue Babe]

Hi BB, sounds like things are going well and fingers crossed it continues. I just picked up on a couple of things in the tread and thought I would throw a few ideas out there.

If Z wants to join the army then have you considered enroling her in cadets? It will certainly get her out of the house and teach her respect and discipline. You can find your nearest unit at www.cadetforces.mil.nz I was a cadet for a number of years and certainly there was a fair few kids who acted like Z is, some improved, some didn't but cadet officers are trained to deal with difficult kids and certainly she will get something out of it.

The other thing is the army offers a week long "experience" run during the school holidays. It gives the kids an opertunity to learn about army life (they are not to tough on them, although the have early morning PT!) and the various career options. You can I think organise it through the local recuitment office or pm wannabiker who could let you know more (although not this week as he is up at Waiouru on one).

All the best.
Awesome Thank you for that. I have asked "Z" about it & she is keen so we will look into it on Wednesday evening when it is on here in Whangarei. It looks really interesting & the week away in the Holidays will suit us both as she needs a break from me as much as I need one from her :niceone: She is going to stay with her father in Auckland next week, which she seems to be looking forward too. She'll probably spend the week looking for a car & keeping fingers crossed her father can help pay for it, especially as he's paying F . . . ALL in Child support. Hasn't paid a cent since March.

[Blue Babe]

Just a quick update on "Z". She has finally found a boyfriend & seems to have settled down heaps. She is happy that we are living back in Kamo after all our moving around. She can now walk to school. She has a really good part-time job. She is learning to drive, which is really good, but it is turning all who sit with her prematurely grey :(, but she is getting there & improving each time.. I'm hoping the last 2wks with her Dad will have done her the world & she will come back in good spirits. All in all yeah things have started coming right for her.:niceone:
P.S. She started the Army Cadets before the end of the year & was really enjoying it. She is looking forward to starting up again this year. All the different activities there will keep her well & truely occupied. Thank you for that suggestion......

[Colapop]

Stretch and grow. It's funny how those toddler overall things are so handy when they're little... and how they do the same thing as teenagers when they get older. Kids will stretch boundaries (yours and theirs) and grow as they find their way to adulthood.

It seems like you've done a very good job there, BB. Respected your child and loved them. Sometimes that's all you can do apart from be there to catch them if they fall - not too often though! :hug:

[fredie]

look out for drug use:soon::shifty:

[Blue Babe]

look out for drug use:soon::shifty:

I will be very very surprised if My kids hit the drugs, as they have seen first hand what it can do.............. I will also be Very disappointed if they do go there because of what they know......

[mstriumph]

i was horrid at 15 [still am :cool:]

i enjoyed adults 'not understanding' me

------ i used that to good effect when the daughter hit the teens
- kept telling her i didn't understand her - she felt sooooooo smug about that that she'd put the garbage out and make her bed in sheer gratitude


did i tell you, i am NASTY :whistle:

[Blue Babe]

i was horrid at 15 [still am :cool:]

i enjoyed adults 'not understanding' me

------ i used that to good effect when the daughter hit the teens
- kept telling her i didn't understand her - she felt sooooooo smug about that that she'd put the garbage out and make her bed in sheer gratitude
:whistle:

Reverse Phsycology is a wonderful invention & works around 99% of the time. I must use it more often on "Z" :niceone:

[Blue Babe]

Just a quick update on "Z". .. I'm hoping the last 2wks with her Dad will have done her the world & she will come back in good spirits. All .:niceone:
......

Unfortunately, "Z"'s father has pulled a doozy on "Z".... I couldn't believe he could still be so vindicitive & nasty.
"Z" aquired an injury last year when she came off her bike. The main one being her hand/thumb. The Dr thought she'd broken her Scaphoid & plastered it for 2wks then re-xrayed it... It wasn't broken, but she had twisted her bones in the thumb which was very painful. The Osteo put that right.
Any way, (I can't remember when she went for the ride on the bike to work) she said that she felt something crack in her hand, but that it was ok. On & off since then it has hurt a little. On Monday, while at her Dad's, "Z" txt's me & says that she is in a lot of pain & that her hand is swollen, so I tell her to show her dad & get him to take her to the Dr's/hospital or Whitecross when he gets home from work.
He gets in looks at it & says "You'll be ok till you get home to mum & she can take you to the Dr's". Now remember I'm getting all this via txt messaging.....
"Z" doesn't complain about pain unless it is pretty bad to the point that you do need to sort it. She's popping pills by now 2x brufen & 2x paracetamol, every 4hrs, which don't touch the pain.
I txt her father & tell him that he needs to get her seen to that night, as he had work next day. Well he ignored my txt & didn't bother really looking at her hand, so I got my son & we set off for her. When he realised what i was doing he changed his mind & took her to Whitecross. They couldn't xray that night so yesterday, while he fucked off to work & left his chinese wife who can't speak much English to take her for an Xray... He couldn't even make the effort to have a few hours off & see to her. I was sooo angry with him.
The Xray has said no broken bone, but there is something wrong, & for the life of me I can't remember the name she gave me now, but it has meant a plaster cast for the next 2wks & she is Not allowed to use her hand at all. As soon as she gets home I'll get her to our Dr on Monday & find out exactly what it is & what we can expect recovery wise. That girl has had so many injuries..........
I still very nearly went to collect her yesterday, but decided i'd leave it till she comes home on Saturday, didn't really want to cause a scene infront of his wife + the way I'm feeling I might just have hit him this time. I won't be encouraging any more visits from now on.........shit it's not safe for her. What if it had been something really serious??? As it is her hand could be damaged & there won't be any hockey again this year. For her sake I hope not. Any way will see what Dr has to say next week.

[Blue Babe]

Here's a good one to add to today's saga...
I've just had a letter from IRD child support telling me my ex doesn't have to pay me anything for our daughter....
He hasn't paid anything in over a year & I've had letters telling me what he has to pay, the last one being just before Christmas... The one before Christmas told me I he is to pay this amount until March, today it said he doesn't have to pay a cent........Can someone please tell me how that works as when It was the other way round I had to pay even though I was on minimum or no wage at the time........
I came of benefit a year ago cause WINZ & IRD told me I'd be better off as I'll get the child support in my hand every month. What a crock of shit. They also said I can't do nothing about it all until the end of the financial year.:weep:

[Blue Babe]

Things have come right for "Z":clap:. She is trying out for the 1st 11 team at school for the womans Hockey team:Playnice:. Keep fingers X it happens for her this year. She has also been referred to a specialist about her hand & are still waiting for the first app. She has been on such a high for the last few weeks & i'm not sure quite why, but not questioning too much. What worries me is when she comes down again, How bad will it be :Oops: She's also looking forward to sitting her restricted, which I think when she gets it will make another huge difference to her :second: She's already got half her points for NCEA level 1 & is aiming to get the rest before the half year & then finish this year with at least half for NCEA level 2. Her whole focus has never changed, in the fact she wants to join the Army as an Officer & then train as either a Dr or an Engineer. Even her father has now come round to the idea that army life might Not be so bad after all:bash:

[Blue Babe]

After all that has been said & done, "Z" has decided that Whangarei is not where she wants to be. She hates her school, Say's Whangarei is boring for teenagers (which, she is probably right about). She wants to go & live with her father in Auckland. She thinks the grass is greener there than here. I think she could be in for a big disappointment there, but she has made the decision & I have to let her go, even though I'm so disappointed with her decision. We have more or less got ourselves on a good footing now. :love:
On a postive note, though, it means I can now concentrate on doing what I want to do with my life & I have made some big decisions, which will affect my whole life. I'm having to move again, which is a bummer, but in the long run it is good & I've decided to go & do my RN training full time (3yrs worth):doctor: at the Polytech. It has been a long time in coming as I've had other things to think about with the kids & an unsupportive arsehole of a husband.
As for her father, well he hasn't changed one bit & is prepared to put, Not only "Z's", but his new wife & unborn baby in danger.
"Z" got her restricted license today. What a performance that wast too. She was supposed to do it last Thursday morning at 8am. The examiner called in sick:sick:. (Thank God she did) But if she had gone & passed, her father wanted her to drive straight down to Auckland after school. (Remember she's No expereince of Auckland driving, Motorway or otherwise). Then on the Friday he wanted her to take His Wife & their unborn baby from Albany to Takapuna Hospital. "Z" had no idea where Takapuna was from Albany & her father's wife is Chinese & has even less knowledge of Auckland. Talk about putting lives in danger. He did this because he doesn't want to take time off work as he has only been there a couple of months. As usual thinking of himself & Not his loved ones.:shit:
"Z" is very confident, sometimes too confident & that means she can be cocky etc. After she had passed today she couldn't even drive back home, she was so excited. She is at work tonight, so that will be her first experience driving on her own, especially as it will be around rush hour time too.

[Skyryder]

Hope all pans out for you both.

Skyryder

[scumdog]

got married and became a contributing member of society.

I've been a responsible adult for nearly 8 years now.

Pffft! Now ain't THAT load of you-know-what!!!:bleh:

'responsible'?? :rofl::killingme:shutup:

[scumdog]

i was horrid at 15 [still am :cool:]i:whistle:

You am still 15?? - after all those years??:pinch:

[Blue Babe]

You am still 15?? - after all those years??:pinch:
You have no kids then??:rolleyes:

[terbang]

Its just a phase a lot seem to go through. My oldest seems to have settled a bit now, left school and got an apprenticeship (avionics) and has a steady boy friend. Her attitude has changed dramatically, she even gets on well with her mother again. Trouble is now its phase two time, she has written off two cars in six weeks, mine included..! It isn't an easy road this parenting, believe me.:pinch:

[Blue Babe]

Trouble is now its phase two time, she has written off two cars in six weeks, mine included..! It isn't an easy road this parenting, believe me.:pinch:
:lol:Bugger!!! I've banned both my kids from driving my car for that exact reason. They both have their own cars. My son is on his 3rd one cause he can't make up his mind what he wants + there has been something seriously wrong with them. In too much of a hurry to buy with out checking it out. My daughter's car, my ex & I went halves & then made her pay us each back half of what we put in, so it makes her more responsible.

[Edbear]

... an unsupportive arsehole of a husband.
As for her father, ...


You sure can pick 'em...:innocent:

[Blue Babe]

You sure can pick 'em...:innocent:
Yeah, but Not any more :first:... I was very naive in those days:innocent:. Only good thing that came out of him was his sperm :msn-wink:.
I now have an awesome partner who supports me 110% in what ever I am doing. He might not agree sometimes, but hey we all learn by our mistakes.:innocent:

[scumdog]

You have no kids then??:rolleyes:

Not any more - none of the four live at home anymore.

Ah bliss!!

[Blue Babe]

Not any more - none of the four live at home anymore.

Ah bliss!!
Ah, That explains the comment about still being 15:rolleyes:. I'll have to wait a bit & i'm not sure I want to be 15 again. Mid 20's would suit me as I was happy then :msn-wink:.

[martybabe]

Bugger me! Just read a lot of this thread, don't know how I missed it before.

Anyhow, I have seven kids, the last one has just turned 16,all I can offer you is the likely hood of a better future BB. When I think of the crap we've been through I sometimes wonder what I was thinking having so many ungrateful, selfish, money eating, spotty smelly messy lazy li'll bastards. Thats teenagers for ya, overnight the little angels turn into monsters and you begin to wonder what you've done to deserve such miserable days eh.

All of them have turned into people I'm very proud of, my best mates, husband and wives, fathers and mothers. I love them and yes even like them now and whilst they would never admit it, I think as they turned into adults they began to realise how difficult they made life for me and their mom some times.

Do I regret any of it. Not a single day, they are without doubt the best thing I have ever done. I'm afraid heavy shit comes with being a parent that gives a shit, but I predict better times for you sweetheart may you get the pleasure my little b,stards give me.

Ooh, forgot to mention, kids aren't the only ones that grow through these tough times, I am a much stronger person having lived through a combined 41 years of teenage angst and I really enjoy the wry smiles of my kids as they watch me play with the grandkids, get punched in the eye and come up smiling. Bless em all.....lil b'stards :laugh:

Heres to happier times. below...selling child 5

[mstriumph]

You am still 15?? - after all those years??:pinch:

ohhhhhh yuk yuk yuk!!

nah - on second thoughts mebbe i'm MORE horrid now than i was at 15 :rolleyes:

[Ocean1]

nah - on second thoughts mebbe i'm MORE horrid now than i was at 15 :rolleyes:

But when you're good you're very very good? :innocent:

[Curious_AJ]

yeah at 15 i was okay, getting a little into the goth scene.. then got a boyfriend with a little too much interest in knives (needless to say that ended fast!). at 16 i went full on into goth-dom, it was who i was (and still am on the inside to some extent, long live dark and gory things! lol) got out of it when i met another guy, which also ended quickly as my mother realised how over serious he became, took me on a boat trip, told me all this (i hated her, then realised that she was bloody right!) i dumped the boy and turned into an angel again (ditched the black to my mother's great relief) had an awesome time and then met indy half way through 7th form. My parents decided he was WAY better than anyone... and then i got onto the back of the bike and all hell broke loose (even though they knew i liked bikes to begin with)... however, through almost 2 years of bikes and fun, they've accepted who i am (after many many times of me doing what i want and "fuck them" lol... yes, rebel.. lol) we're cool again, relationshipwise i guess we're the best we have been since i hit 5th form about 5 years ago.

anyway, what i'm getting at here, is that we all go through the phase and all our kids will do the same to some extent but it all blows over as you realise your folks are pretty cool and actually know alot of cool stuff!!

[Blue Babe]

yeah at 15 i was okay, getting a little into the goth scene.. then got a boyfriend with a little too much interest in knives (needless to say that ended fast!). at 16 i went full on into goth-dom, it was who i was (and still am on the inside to some extent, long live dark and gory things! lol) got out of it when i met another guy, which also ended quickly as my mother realised how over serious he became, took me on a boat trip, told me all this (i hated her, then realised that she was bloody right!) i dumped the boy and turned into an angel again (ditched the black to my mother's great relief) had an awesome time and then met indy half way through 7th form. My parents decided he was WAY better than anyone... and then i got onto the back of the bike and all hell broke loose (even though they knew i liked bikes to begin with)... however, through almost 2 years of bikes and fun, they've accepted who i am (after many many times of me doing what i want and "fuck them" lol... yes, rebel.. lol) we're cool again, relationshipwise i guess we're the best we have been since i hit 5th form about 5 years ago.

anyway, what i'm getting at here, is that we all go through the phase and all our kids will do the same to some extent but it all blows over as you realise your folks are pretty cool and actually know alot of cool stuff!!
Thanks AJ. I know my kids will get there in the end, as we all have had to do:baby::rolleyes:. I used to think my mum was thick as two short planks:doh: until I had my own kids. I apologised to my mum. As soon as I hit 16yrs old we became good friends & to this day I can still go & bend her ear. Little harder today as she is on the other side of the world (UK):crybaby:

[Livvy]

Hey Blue. Haven't read through this entire thread so if I miss something I apologise! But as AJ said, we all go through that phase... I'm not certain how many here are younger but I know I'm definitely one of the youngest posters on this site, and I'm not long out of the stupidity stage that your daughter seems to be in (no offence meant towards your daughter!).

I was hanging with the wrong crowd and doing a lot of dumb things, but I stopped when I realised that no matter what I did I couldn't stop my parents from wanting what was best for me. What really got me was one day seeing my mum almost cry from something that I really regret saying after we'd had an argument. It's been only a year and a half since I stopped being a little dick really, so it's all still very fresh... I can't give advice as a parent obviously, but as someone straight out of it, I might suggest that you do tell her you love her on a frequent basis - just almost as a casual comment, sort of "okay sweetie, go out and have fun, please be safe and I love you"... I tell you what, if she's getting into trouble that will start to make her feel guilty (it sure worked on me).

Otherwise it'll end soon enough and she'll feel very shame-faced about it all... :laugh:

[Blue Babe]

Hey Blue. Haven't read through this entire thread so if I miss something I apologise! But as AJ said, we all go through that phase... I'm not certain how many here are younger but I know I'm definitely one of the youngest posters on this site, and I'm not long out of the stupidity stage that your daughter seems to be in (no offence meant towards your daughter!).

I was hanging with the wrong crowd and doing a lot of dumb things, but I stopped when I realised that no matter what I did I couldn't stop my parents from wanting what was best for me. What really got me was one day seeing my mum almost cry from something that I really regret saying after we'd had an argument. It's been only a year and a half since I stopped being a little dick really, so it's all still very fresh... I can't give advice as a parent obviously, but as someone straight out of it, I might suggest that you do tell her you love her on a frequent basis - just almost as a casual comment, sort of "okay sweetie, go out and have fun, please be safe and I love you"... I tell you what, if she's getting into trouble that will start to make her feel guilty (it sure worked on me).

Otherwise it'll end soon enough and she'll feel very shame-faced about it all... :laugh:
Thanks for that Livvy, I do tell her every day, when she goes off to school or out with her mates, work or whatever, that I Love Her. Even when txting my last txt is always "Love you heaps" She gets fed up with me telling her to be careful, but likes the Have fun bit:rolleyes:

[Livvy]

Thanks for that Livvy, I do tell her every day, when she goes off to school or out with her mates, work or whatever, that I Love Her. Even when txting my last txt is always "Love you heaps" She gets fed up with me telling her to be careful, but likes the Have fun bit:rolleyes:
"Be careful. If you can't be careful be safe. If you can't be safe have fun." - one of the few things that's stuck in my mind since 06! My mother has another version that ends with, if you can't be safe - buy a pram :doh:

Don't think you'll have to worry about that though! ;) I'll bet she's been raised better than that.

[Blue Babe]

"Be careful. If you can't be careful be safe. If you can't be safe have fun." - one of the few things that's stuck in my mind since 06! My mother has another version that ends with, if you can't be safe - buy a pram :doh:

Don't think you'll have to worry about that though! ;) I'll bet she's been raised better than that.
I use that saying alot as well ;). I hope I've raised her better than that, but there's always that one time:innocent:. She's had the lectures & teachings from school. Can't do any more now, but hope that she will be ok. Same with my son who is 18:rockon:... Jeez I'm getting old:shutup:

[Curious_AJ]

I use that saying alot as well ;). I hope I've raised her better than that, but there's always that one time:innocent:. She's had the lectures & teachings from school. Can't do any more now, but hope that she will be ok. Same with my son who is 18:rockon:... Jeez I'm getting old:shutup:

even though you're old we still love you!:love: *runs away before you can hit me with a frying pan!*

[The Pastor]

After all that has been said & done, "Z" has decided that Whangarei is not where she wants to be. She hates her school, Say's Whangarei is boring for teenagers (which, she is probably right about). She wants to go & live with her father in Auckland. She thinks the grass is greener there than here. I think she could be in for a big disappointment there, but she has made the decision & I have to let her go, even though I'm so disappointed with her decision. We have more or less got ourselves on a good footing now. :love:
On a postive note, though, it means I can now concentrate on doing what I want to do with my life & I have made some big decisions, which will affect my whole life. I'm having to move again, which is a bummer, but in the long run it is good & I've decided to go & do my RN training full time (3yrs worth):doctor: at the Polytech. It has been a long time in coming as I've had other things to think about with the kids & an unsupportive arsehole of a husband.
As for her father, well he hasn't changed one bit & is prepared to put, Not only "Z's", but his new wife & unborn baby in danger.
"Z" got her restricted license today. What a performance that wast too. She was supposed to do it last Thursday morning at 8am. The examiner called in sick:sick:. (Thank God she did) But if she had gone & passed, her father wanted her to drive straight down to Auckland after school. (Remember she's No expereince of Auckland driving, Motorway or otherwise). Then on the Friday he wanted her to take His Wife & their unborn baby from Albany to Takapuna Hospital. "Z" had no idea where Takapuna was from Albany & her father's wife is Chinese & has even less knowledge of Auckland. Talk about putting lives in danger. He did this because he doesn't want to take time off work as he has only been there a couple of months. As usual thinking of himself & Not his loved ones.:shit:
"Z" is very confident, sometimes too confident & that means she can be cocky etc. After she had passed today she couldn't even drive back home, she was so excited. She is at work tonight, so that will be her first experience driving on her own, especially as it will be around rush hour time too.
from an outside perspective you're over reacting to the driving thing tbh,

[RiderInBlack]

from an outside perspective you're over reacting to the driving thing tbh,Then again she might not (this is from an inside perspective). Ya young yet RM (we've meet).
Good Parents will always worry about their kids' safety. I know mine still do and I'm 45. Kids see this as their parents being "control freaks" and "over reacting". They aren't. They just don't want ta visit ya in Hospital or have ta organize ya funeral, because they know if the time comes they will. Their life experiences have taught them that risks do have consequences and that no one is bullet proof. Often they have their own scars to prove it.
IMHO a bad parent is one that doesn't give a shit what ya do.

[The Pastor]

I know what you mean, but still, there are alot worse things to worry about than driving. auckland to whangrei isnt really a challenging road. I mean I drove all through aucklands CBD when I first my R. But i guess its differnt for me cos im a big bad biker :D

[Curious_AJ]

I know what you mean, but still, there are alot worse things to worry about than driving. auckland to whangrei isnt really a challenging road. I mean I drove all through aucklands CBD when I first my R. But i guess its differnt for me cos im a big bad biker :D

yes scotty a big bad biker... my mom's afraid of you lol, she thinks you want to "jump my bones"

rofl, if you tried you know i'd beat you like a red-headed step-child and then tell Indy he can have the rest of you ^_^

[Blue Babe]

Well!! It happened! "Z" has had her car written off & been left with a concussion (2nd one in 2 mths). She was at the Newmarket lights. Her arrow showed green for a right turn & someone came through a red light on the left at over 60k's. She said when they lifted her car onto the transport truck the wheels & suspension fell out of the car. She will be ok, but will take longer this time. I won't go into how her father has behaved, as it is pretty bad & I'm still pretty pissed off with him.
She has only been in Auckland just over a week.

[Curious_AJ]

Well!! It happened! "Z" has had her car written off & been left with a concussion (2nd one in 2 mths). She was at the Newmarket lights. Her arrow showed green for a right turn & someone came through a red light on the left at over 60k's. She said when they lifted her car onto the transport truck the wheels & suspension fell out of the car. She will be ok, but will take longer this time. I won't go into how her father has behaved, as it is pretty bad & I'm still pretty pissed off with him.
She has only been in Auckland just over a week.

man, that's pretty shyte! glad she's okay though. as for the prick that ran into her, i hope he rots in hell!!

[Blue Babe]

"Z" is back in my care.
It's a very long story, but basically her father's new wife (Chinese) Has been trying to get "Z" to conform to the Chinese way of being brought up. In other words now she is a teenager she is expected to get home from school (Lucky she is at school) Cook, Clean, Baby mind etc etc, while they look on & give orders. Wasn't allowed to go & see her mates or have them there. Was encouraged to give up her job & then told she was lazy cause she wasn't studying hard enough. :angry2:
She actually passed all her mock exams ;)
I had to drive down late one Tues night 2wks ago & get her because her Step Mother actually tried to physically attack "Z" while her father was there. He told me "Z" deserved it cause she was "Lazy" & rude to her elders. I just reminded him very quietly that she is a teenager & that she isn't chinese.
"Z" Has told everyone that she doesn't have a father any more.
We went down again with a van & picked up the rest of her stuff. It was very lucky his wife wasn't there cause I was ready to give her a piece of my mind, as for Him, "Z" & I decided we'd completely ignore him & just take what was hers. That hurt him more than anything cause he wanted an arguement with me. We saw him walk around the house with croc tears. He prob got up next day for work & never thought no more bout it.
That is the very last time he will ever hurt her or my son again. (That was the 3rd time for "Z") As far as I'm concerned he comes any where near them again I'm going to make his life a misery, Big Time!!:bash:

[<Rhino>]

To many pages to read through all of that, so I apologise if this has already been said.

Money is power and for a teenager money is everything.

Cut the pocket money and stop paying the cell phone bill, she will feel that pinch. Get her out working, small part time job to earn her own money. If she wants to be treated like an adult then maybe she should take some responsability and get out there and act like one. I had a job at 14 and have paid for all my non-essential stuff since.

Nothing like earning the respect you deserve.

The thing for you BB is not to feel like your being to harsh or unreasonable, we all know as weel as you do that what you are asking of her is neither. Media and impressionism from mostly american sources has alomst made kids uncontrollable, add to that government taking away the right to disipline them and we as parents are fighting a losing battle. You are not being unreasonable, hold your ground and stick to your guns. She may hate you for it now but will love you for it later. :done:

[XxKiTtiExX]

IMHO a bad parent is one that doesn't give a shit what ya do.

Far to true.

[MSTRS]

Now that your daughter has had a taste of 'real discipline', perhaps she will view your expectations much more reasonably. Perhaps you need to sit down with her and write out all the stuff that brought her to this point. And keep it somewhere safe...remember that teenagers have very short memories.

[avgas]

haha welcome to the reason why my wife wants a son...

[Blue Babe]

haha welcome to the reason why my wife wants a son...
Son's can be just as hard work but in a diff way.... Look at mine, He's making me a grandmother in January & isn't quite 19yrs old yet. Got loans blah blah blah left right & centre.
You take what you get & deal with it cause you Love them:first:

[Blue Babe]

Now that your daughter has had a taste of 'real discipline', perhaps she will view your expectations much more reasonably. Perhaps you need to sit down with her and write out all the stuff that brought her to this point. And keep it somewhere safe...remember that teenagers have very short memories.
In some respects I'm probably stricter with "Z" than where she has been, but I do know what teenagers are like & you do need to let them get on with it.
We've done the writing, the talking etc, I do think they Have both finally worked out my nagging isn't for nagging sake, but that I do care what happens with them, especially my son...

[Blue Babe]

To many pages to read through all of that, so I apologise if this has already been said.

Money is power and for a teenager money is everything.

Cut the pocket money and stop paying the cell phone bill, she will feel that pinch. Get her out working, small part time job to earn her own money. If she wants to be treated like an adult then maybe she should take some responsability and get out there and act like one. I had a job at 14 and have paid for all my non-essential stuff since.

Nothing like earning the respect you deserve.

The thing for you BB is not to feel like your being to harsh or unreasonable, we all know as weel as you do that what you are asking of her is neither. Media and impressionism from mostly american sources has alomst made kids uncontrollable, add to that government taking away the right to disipline them and we as parents are fighting a losing battle. You are not being unreasonable, hold your ground and stick to your guns. She may hate you for it now but will love you for it later. :done:
You should read the thread, cause there has been alot happened.
I have never given either of my kids pocket money as they have both had jobs since they were 11yrs old. I've never paid their cell phones either. Don't know bout their father. If they've needed help I will if I can, but 9/10 I can't & both of them know where I am financially, infact "Z" often helps me out.
"Z" , Unfortunately, is a porn where her father is concerned. He just wants to hurt me & only way he can is through her.

[mstriumph]

........... She may hate you for it now but will love you for it later. :done:


or not, as the case may be

but irrespective, you have a job to do as a parent and you are not permitted to 'give in' on it for fear of losing her affection

sad, isn't it
being a parent is hard.

[Winston001]

You should read the thread, cause there has been alot happened.

"Z" , Unfortunately, is a pawn where her father is concerned. He just wants to hurt me & only way he can is through her.

Forgive me, great thread, just corrected an unfortunate spelling. :2thumbsup

[Blue Babe]

Forgive me, great thread, just corrected an unfortunate spelling. :2thumbsup
You are sooo right there...:2thumbsup

[Blue Babe]

Just a Quick update on "Z". She has settled back here really well. :2thumbsup She has been down to Auckland to stay with her friends a couple of times, which means she's been able to see her boyfriend. Considering everything that has happened to her, we believe she did absolutely brilliantly in her exams. At the moment school holidays she is working hard in her job. Paying off some debts, running her car & will have managed 2 10day holidays with her mates.
I hope that 2009 will be a better year for her & that she will be doing her sport etc again. :hug:

[fire eyes]

ohh feel for ya BB .. I was a total bitch to my mother at 15.

I moved out of home just before my 16th.

Reality was there was anything Mum could have done to make things better for me.

Hormones, boys, peer pressure, parents, siblings lol everything was overwealming.

I say stick to your boundaries whatever they maybe and don't pamper her to much. If she slams her bedroom door, take the door off the hinges, can't shut it properly? then dont let her have one, If she won't help tidy up, stick the household rubbish in her room, if she humiliates you in public .. start singing really loud and off key .. NOTHING embarrasses a teen more than a parent drawing unwanted attention LOL ..

One thing Mum did was .. sometimes we would be lucky enough to get a ride to school .. yup those days you actually walked lol anyway we used to tell Mum to drop us off down the road from the school, she had a ford capri back then and we thought it wasnt cool enough to be seen .. so she got sick of our attitudes drove up through the school gates into a courtyard area in front of what seemed like the entire senior highschoolers and told us to get out .. we got out. Backs the car out smiling and beeping her horn all the way down the road while we stand there looking like the biggest dicks on the planet.

Amen to parenthood.



Good Luck BB! ohh and don't forget your time out to pamper yourself as well :2thumbsup

[Slyer]

Hooray for parenting!
I've got my a large amount of ideas for training my little ones some day.
One of my favourites is being easy on them but very hard.
As in I don't ask for much but if I want it done IT GETS DONE.
Also, no amount of complaining will ever get me to change my mind, though I will accept formal debates as to why I should change my mind and also bribing/bargaining. :D

Rules that are made will be explained in full as to why they are required, if they cannot be backed up or reasoned for they will be removed and the kids shall win.

If two kids are fighting over the TV and what to watch, the TV goes off.
No warning, no nagging, it just goes off. They can watch it again tomorrow but if I see it again it goes off. They will have to learn to cooperate or they go without.

Read to your children! I'm so glad my Dad did, we had these whole set of kids encyclopedias I used to read. I think it does wonders for a child's intelligence.
(Smart kids are usually fairly obedient, I know I was)

These are my ideas anyway. :bleh:

[Blue Babe]

Hooray for parenting!

Also, no amount of complaining will ever get me to change my mind, though I will accept formal debates as to why I should change my mind and also bribing/bargaining. :D

These are my ideas anyway. :bleh:
Be very careful with bribary & children, It can come back in some years time & bite you on your arse, but in the meant time it works really well:innocent:.
If you make a promise to your kids, make sure You keep it, they don't forget. I know I watched my ex mother in law & my ex Husband make my kids promises & then blatantly break them. They Have never forgotten,to this day :angry: I Have Had to pick up the pieces every time & still do today.

[slofox]

The great thing about grandchildren - "all care and no responsibility"...

[discotex]

If there's one thing watching "The Dog Whisperer" has taught me it's that puppy's need exercise, discipline (not military style or physical) and affection - in that order.

Oh wait, we're talking about kids eh? ;)

[Slyer]

Be very careful with bribary & children, It can come back in some years time & bite you on your arse, but in the meant time it works really well:innocent:.
If you make a promise to your kids, make sure You keep it, they don't forget. I know I watched my ex mother in law & my ex Husband make my kids promises & then blatantly break them. They Have never forgotten,to this day :angry: I Have Had to pick up the pieces every time & still do today.
Nonono, you see THEY have to bribe ME if they want stuff. :bleh:
And yep, always keep your promises and always follow through with your warnings.

[Blue Babe]

Nonono, always follow through with your warnings.
That I agree with more than any of the other stuff said.

[XxKiTtiExX]

All else fails, as punishment send them to the firewood shed where they have to sit on a hunk of wood for hours on end while they get eaten alive by sandflies. (I was a good girl once this punishment started, and its only now that I can sit there and laugh about it). :niceone: