Too unfair - what to do?

[caesius]

I've just received a middle of the night call from someone who I'd call my brother, he has been my best friend for as long as I can remember (i.e. since 5yo) sounded like he was crying. I jumped in the car and went down to his place, turns out his Dad has just killed himself.

When I got there said friend had already downed what looked to be multiple bottles of wine and almost half a bottle of whiskey, I was going to stop him from drinking and try get him into bed, but that would have been futile knowing this guy. We had a bit of a chat and I almost ended up in tears myself.

What the hell can you do when this happens? He's just lost the plot, I'm worried about what he'll be like tomorrow. Do I try and stop him drinking? This guy is the one I've turned to on many occasions and now its me who has to try and help him. I've just got no idea what to do or say.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? It's hard enough for me to deal with this being so close to his family - I can't even imagine what he's going through.

Thanks guys, I never thought I'd be posting something like this in KB.

[kevfromcoro]

Shit thats no good.
If he keeps drinking like that, he will end up pretty sick.
Would suggest getting him to go a see a doctor.
Maybe get a mild seditive to get him through the days that follow.
Try and get him off the piss.
I mean we all drink.
But multiple bottles of wine and a half bottle of whiskey is a bit over the top.
Doctors are fairly understanding.in this sort of case.Even if u got to take him down there half pissed.

[Paul in NZ]

A few drinks is OK - thats gettin out there... take him for a drive or something, hopefully he will throw most of it up?

Good on ya for being there for him - shitty situation but friends like you will help, stick with it, theres a lot of pain to come...

[Colapop]

Take the rest of the week off. Spend it with him. Keep him away from alcohol - it'll only add to his sorrow. The best thing you can do is be there for him. The question you need to answer is - What would you want him to do for you in the same situation? Sometimes just being around is enough.

[Ocean1]

Just be there dude. It's all you can do, just be there.

[yungatart]

What Col said!
Look after your mate!
When hXc's best friend committed suicide he was devastated, needed people around but pushed them away and was totally confused.
Just be there for him for as long as he needs you to be.
Our sympathies to you, your friend and his family.

[kiwifruit]

"be there", by all means
he's got to want to help himself for any changes to take effect

[MSTRS]

Your friend is trying to deny what has happened. Escape into alcohol is not really escape. He knows that.
He will need you to keep him safe until he is ready to face reality.
You need to be there for him now and tomorrow and the next day...
You can lean on us for strength

[ManDownUnder]

Take the rest of the week off. Spend it with him. Keep him away from alcohol - it'll only add to his sorrow. The best thing you can do is be there for him. The question you need to answer is - What would you want him to do for you in the same situation? Sometimes just being around is enough.

+1.............. be there for him. Encourage him to get professional help because it's going to mess with him later on (and now of course) and as I read into your post, it's unfamiliar territory for you.. AND him.

He needs someone to help him chart a course forward - albeit slowly at first. Be there for him - help him realise this - in time - and help him get started. Look after yourself too.

[Her_C4]

Good on ya for being there for him - shitty situation but friends like you will help, stick with it, theres a lot of pain to come...


I agree with Paul - knowing you are sticking there with him and available to share his pain (without intruding on it) when he is ready will be a godsend to him :hug::grouphug:

[imdying]

Take the rest of the week off. Spend it with him. Keep him away from alcohol - it'll only add to his sorrow. The best thing you can do is be there for him. The question you need to answer is - What would you want him to do for you in the same situation? Sometimes just being around is enough.Yep, this is one of those times you're forced to put your life on hold and be there for family. Go along the coast, find somewhere to get away from it for a while, even if it means punishing the credit card and paying for it for months to come. Assuming there is someone strong enough left to handle the things like funeral arrangements? Doesn't sound like your brother is going to be much use with things like that for a wee while :(

[magicfairy]

I had a close friend commit suicide years ago. Jumped off the back of a fishing boat late at night, left a note. Never found the body. Unbelievabley sad.
Left a wife and 2 toddlers, she was a really close friend. I took a week off, spent as much time as I could with her, helped organise funeral.
For the next 6 months or so she went off the rails, drinking, night clubbing, farming out kids to friends. Hanging out with the wrong crowd.
A lot of people criticised her but that was her way of coping, and she did settle down and go back to "normal". But is did change her forever, there was a sadness about her.

All you can do is be there, and not pass judgement on how someone copes, but be as supportive as you can, and try to get them the help they may not even know they need.

[007XX]

Grief is never on a rapid process...Like everyone has already said, support is the only way.

Organising a bunch of people if you can to make "rostered" vigils is probably the best thing I can suggest, and definitely professional help to deal with the experience your friend has just gone through.

Do not underestimate how much it is going to affect YOU as well, and make sure to step away from it every so often to remain balanced and objective. Your friend will offload a lot of things on you and you owe him not to "crack" if you know what I mean.

I wish you and your friend all the best...and yeah, we're here for you too if you want to talk.

[sAsLEX]

Its your Dad, one night on the turps is not that bad.

But be there the next day with a big coffee/McDs breakfast and a plan of attack........

[Winston001]

Your friend needs people around him - drinking is understandable but no good. In fact it's dangerous at this early stage because he is so vulnerable to extreme emotions.

Get him some professional help which will need to be ongoing. Doctor at this stage, and grief counselling into the future to help him deal with such a bewildering tragedy.

The terrible thing about suicide is that the people left behind often don't know why it happened and feel guilty for years after that they couldn't have prevented it. It is a terrible legacy.

[caesius]

Thanks guys, already got this week off, I like the idea about getting away from it all - I don't think this guy will be dragged away from his family too easily but there are a few kids there for his mum.


Its your Dad, one night on the turps is not that bad.

But be there the next day with a big coffee/McDs breakfast and a plan of attack........

Absolutely - leaving now.


Do not underestimate how much it is going to affect YOU as well, and make sure to step away from it every so often to remain balanced and objective. Your friend will offload a lot of things on you and you owe him not to "crack" if you know what I mean.

Yea I can already see that now, it's tough but I haven't really got an excuse to be affected compared to him.

Thanks for the rest of the replies, I have read them and they got all the right advice. I'm off to go and face the family.

Cheers again, it was great to just read your advice - felt good knowing ppl had been there or similar.

[sunhuntin]

the strain of helping your friend through this will eventually affect you as well. thats why the suggestion of having a roster of support is a good idea. get your friend away for the week, and when you come back, if hes feeling any better, try and get him booked into his doctor.

best of luck to you both...