Couples separating - UPDATE

[young1]

You may remember my post re when couples separate what happens to wedding rings etc.

First thank you to everyone who replied with such nice comments and also to everyone who sent me private messages, it certainly made me feel good that there are such nice people out there.

This week I have been patient with her etc and as she had already taken all of her jewellery from the house I suggested that we should both make a list of what she has so we can take it all into account when the final wash up comes.

Well GOOD NEWS today she has said that I can have the KTM if she can have the jewellery!!!!!! I have said yes but she has to put it in writing.

So the 2007 990 Adventure KTM with less than 3000km on it is now mine and not included in any future division of assets!!

:niceone:

[Sniper]

Awesome news matey. Get a lawyer or someone to witness the signing ect.

Sorry again to hear about the break up

[Virago]

...today she has said that I can have the KTM if she can have the jewellery!!!!!!...

"You took the KT, and left her the jewels to hide..." (Blues Brothers)

[Swoop]

Well GOOD NEWS today she has said that I can have the KTM if she can have the jewellery!!!!!! I have said yes but she has to put it in writing.

So the 2007 990 Adventure KTM with less than 3000km on it is now mine and not included in any future division of assets!!
Be VERY careful.
Before signing anything, get your lawyer to approve it.

[merv]

Yep, well you couldn't have ridden the jewellery so should be a good outcome.

[young1]

Son told me today that my ex wife (first time I have said that) came into the house today to get some of her clothes and she also took her riding gear!!! Helmet, brand new boots and pants and a borrowed jacket.

That prick she is with better not be a biker (if so I bet he rides a Honda!!)

[HenryDorsetCase]

Im putting this message up in public rather than a PM because it is probably of general interest.

There are very specific requirements around divvying up stuff, and contracting out. They arent that onerous, but it WILL cost you some money to sort out. Get a lawyer.

I tend to class this sort of stuff (jewellery/vehicles) in the "easy to deal with" part of the equation: she probably doesnt give a shit abuot your bike, and you dont give a crap about the jewellery really.

So thats a win/win.

the shitfight will happen with the house, superannuation, investments, inheritances you might have received (hint: if one of you got an inheritance, and you say paid off a joint mortgage, the inheritance is to all intents and purposes now joint property): not so if it just sits in a separate bank account or whatever.

Get a lawyer, because of course you are going to get a reaming from the IRD and you want to make sure at least its the minimum pain.

its also past time for you to stop any joint credit cards, freeze any joint bank accounts, and generally to be on the ball to ensure you dont get reamed (conversely its up to you to ensure you dont do anything nasty, even if you are tempted).

I think I mentioned get a lawyer? Seriously....

PM me if you want advice, and try and get a recommendation from someone you know for a lawyer.

Good luck, the whole situation completely sucks, but its a process, you just have to take it a step at a time.

[Zukin]

Son told me today that my ex wife (first time I have said that) came into the house today to get some of her clothes and she also took her riding gear!!! Helmet, brand new boots and pants and a borrowed jacket.

That prick she is with better not be a biker (if so I bet he rides a Honda!!)

Well I would suggest you get that 990 signed over (all legal begal), cause if he is a rider then he will be egging her on to get it :mad:

Also I think its time for a trip down South and let your hair down (even the lack of it :lol:), what da ya reckon about the Burt Munro Rally in November?

Cheers Scott

[HenryDorsetCase]

Be VERY careful.
Before signing anything, get your lawyer to approve it.

any purported contracting out or settlement agreement is invalid UNLESS a lawyer witnesses it, AND endorses a certificate that they've explained the "effect and implication" of the agreement to the person they represent. Its manadated in the PRA*

There is some fascinating, and in my view very wrong, caselaw around what this means, which I wont bore you with....


*Property (Relationships) Act 1976.


if anyone wants to look at the act itself, go to www.legislation.govt.nz, hit "statutes" then scroll to P and look for the PRA.

[young1]

Im putting this message up in public rather than a PM because it is probably of general interest.

There are very specific requirements around divvying up stuff, and contracting out. They arent that onerous, but it WILL cost you some money to sort out. Get a lawyer.

I tend to class this sort of stuff (jewellery/vehicles) in the "easy to deal with" part of the equation: she probably doesnt give a shit abuot your bike, and you dont give a crap about the jewellery really.

So thats a win/win.

the shitfight will happen with the house, superannuation, investments, inheritances you might have received (hint: if one of you got an inheritance, and you say paid off a joint mortgage, the inheritance is to all intents and purposes now joint property): not so if it just sits in a separate bank account or whatever.

Get a lawyer, because of course you are going to get a reaming from the IRD and you want to make sure at least its the minimum pain.

its also past time for you to stop any joint credit cards, freeze any joint bank accounts, and generally to be on the ball to ensure you dont get reamed (conversely its up to you to ensure you dont do anything nasty, even if you are tempted).

I think I mentioned get a lawyer? Seriously....

PM me if you want advice, and try and get a recommendation from someone you know for a lawyer.

Good luck, the whole situation completely sucks, but its a process, you just have to take it a step at a time.


Thanks for the advice, I do work for a law firm but we dont do Family Law, I have been to see a lawyer and have found out some of the things that I need to be aware of. The most important thing that I was told was not to rush into anything (advice that I am now taking).

She has given me a letter that she has signed, that I will also sign and return to her, saying that basically the jewellery is hers and the KTM is mine and neither is to be taken into account in any distribution of assets.

Credit cards etc were stopped last week, overdraft facility was dropped right down etc etc

Mike

[HenryDorsetCase]

good effort. You might want to retain some sort of evidence (insurance valuations/bike shop quote for second hand value) as to values (just in case it does go all to shit later...)

[young1]

good effort. You might want to retain some sort of evidence (insurance valuations/bike shop quote for second hand value) as to values (just in case it does go all to shit later...)


Yes I have already had the two cars valued, and I will lose a packet on my 03 Subaru Impreza STI!! have noted the mileage of the KTM etc.

[mstriumph]

problem is your future depends on you thinking/acting coolly and logically now ---- just when you are prolly still stunned and battered emotionally from the sudden way your life has changed & just wanna curl up in a ball and hide

but that's the way it is
so stay strong
and save the pissup until after the paperwork is done and dusted

hugs fella :grouphug:

[young1]

problem is your future depends on you thinking/acting coolly and logically now ---- just when you are prolly still stunned and battered emotionally from the sudden way your life has changed & just wanna curl up in a ball and hide

but that's the way it is
so stay strong
and save the pissup until after the paperwork is done and dusted

hugs fella :grouphug:

Yep I am taking things slowly now. Yep a few quiet rums will be well worth it once everything is finalised (but I am not looking forward to the day I see her with that prick downtown!!! or worse on a ride somewhere!)

[mstriumph]

walk it thru in your head
think what you will do to keep control of yourself
it sounds crazy but a little 'rehearsal' can save a whole lot of grief when the situation eventually DOES eventuate.

[007XX]

What mstriumph said...

It's a long road, but you'll be ok.

all the best Young1!

[young1]

walk it thru in your head
think what you will do to keep control of yourself
it sounds crazy but a little 'rehearsal' can save a whole lot of grief when the situation eventually DOES eventuate.


When my ex wife quit her last job we sat on the deck and rehearsed how she would tell her boss (she didnt want to get emotional) when she told me she was leaving it sure sounded rehearsed (now who would she rehearse that with I wonder!)

[merv]

Did you know this dude she's with now?

[young1]

Did you know this dude she's with now?

Milton someone works off shore in the oil industry, that is all I know (and want to know)

[merv]

OK so certainly not one of your mates.

[MyGSXF]

I am not looking forward to the day I see her with that prick downtown!!! or worse on a ride somewhere!

Just smile a big smile.. & keep on walking/riding!!!!!!! :Punk:

[young1]

Just smile a big smile.. & keep on walking/riding!!!!!!! :Punk:

It will be hard, but yes I will (dont worry I am not a violent man!)

[Coaster]

Son told me today that my ex wife (first time I have said that) came into the house today to get some of her clothes and she also took her riding gear!!! Helmet, brand new boots and pants and a borrowed jacket.

That prick she is with better not be a biker (if so I bet he rides a Honda!!)

How did she get into the house? Change your locks otherwise she could keep coming back and taking stuff!!

Also some of us actually like Honda riders and riding Honda's :woohoo:

[Mrs Busa Pete]

How did she get into the house? Change your locks otherwise she could keep coming back and taking stuff!!...

With coaster on this i would get this done quickly.

[young1]

How did she get into the house? Change your locks otherwise she could keep coming back and taking stuff!!

Also some of us actually like Honda riders and riding Honda's :woohoo:


Yep i have the keys and remotes now.

Actually I like Hondas to but had to pick on someone!

[Edbear]

Also some of us actually like Honda riders and riding Honda's :woohoo:


Especially when the "rider" is a blonde and she's snuggling down into the heated leather seat beside you and saying how nice it feels...:msn-wink:

(Oh, do you mean bikes...?)

[Grahameeboy]

Don't let her new relationship get to you matey....that is what she wants and to be fair you don't know what she has been telling him to persuade him to have a relationship with her.

A year after Nats was diagnosed, my ex had an affair with her Boss. With all the stuff with Nats diagnosis we had a lot on our plate and when she told me she did not love me that was the first I knew there was a problem........she was on anti-depressants as well.

I took the view that she had betrayed not only me but Nats as Nats needed 2 parents together.

She told me too leave, I said no as I could not afford to live somewhere and have shared custody. Slept on sofa for 6 weeks and she gave up and moved out...........I am still not popular 2 years and I don't worry about it. That's her problem and she has told her new partner lies about how we broke up.....not my problem.

In time you will realise that you are better off without her. She was not your friend if she could not tell you how she felt.

Take time out for yourself and things will work out for you.

[ajturbo]

Oh shit.... i have just noticed where you live... the Naki...

your fucked

[McJim]

That prick she is with better not be a biker (if so I bet he rides a Honda!!)

Is your ex missus a bloke?:rofl:

[young1]

Oh shit.... i have just noticed where you live... the Naki...

your fucked

Maybe i shouldnt have been playing the banjo at night?

[mstriumph]

Don't let her new relationship get to you matey....that is what she wants and to be fair you don't know what she has been telling him to persuade him to have a relationship with her............

don't you think you may be letting your own experiences sour your outlook a little Grahameeboy?

To be fair, you don't know WHAT she 'wants' or what she's been 'telling' anyone etc ..... i only point this out because it'll be easier for young1, his children and all concerned if this mess is settled AMICABLY .....

he's bound to be feeling some bitterness, anger, betrayal and disappointment anyway because of the way this has happened ---- but he can't afford to let these feelings get the upper hand until the legalities are signed, sealed and delivered ......... otherwise it will just degenerate into bitter recriminations and a long-drawn out public slanging match that benefits NOONE except the legal profession

so - in a nutshell - please no inflammatory language here, no matter what your own experience has been? we can all swap war stories AFTER the lawyers have collected their fees and gone home ...........

[Grahameeboy]

don't you think you may be letting your own experiences sour your outlook a little Grahameeboy?

To be fair, you don't know WHAT she 'wants' or what she's been 'telling' anyone etc ..... i only point this out because it'll be easier for young1, his children and all concerned if this mess is settled AMICABLY .....

he's bound to be feeling some bitterness, anger, betrayal and disappointment anyway because of the way this has happened ---- but he can't afford to let these feelings get the upper hand until the legalities are signed, sealed and delivered ......... otherwise it will just degenerate into bitter recriminations and a long-drawn out public slanging match that benefits NOONE except the legal profession

so - in a nutshell - please no inflammatory language here, no matter what your own experience has been? we can all swap war stories AFTER the lawyers have collected their fees and gone home ...........

I didn't say I knew and this is not just based on my own experiences, just trying to help Young1 from simply blaming himself and being angry towards the new partner, but understand your point.

He did after all post a Thread about this so assume he was seeking feedback.

Apologies Young1

[vifferman]

That prick she is with better not be a biker (if so I bet he rides a Honda!!)
Yeah, he does (it's me!) :whistle:
Seriously though, this can be a problem (not the Honda riding - the coveting of your goodies). A guy I know had his wife come around to the house when he wasn't there, and give the keys for one of his Porsches (the GT3) to her new man, who was a crap driver and buggered it. If it was me [insert Tui ad], I would've been well fucked off about it, and called the cops, but he was just so devastated by the whole thing that he just let it go.

[MSTRS]

Hmmmm...the cynic in me would question why your ex would come offering 'gifts'. There will probably be something behind that offer that favours her. Perhaps it was merely to assuage some guilt on her part for leaving you. Perhaps the concession is to mask something else.
Whatever, just be careful about taking it at face value.

[Macktheknife]

Hey Young1, good advice given to you already, take your time, do not rush decisions and get a good lawyer to make sure you are not accidentally screwing yourself, all good stuff.
More good stuff, life and love is an ever changing environment, sometimes those changes take unexpected turns and leave us in places we would rather not be, sadly, that is just life.
Stay strong in yourself, keep your friends close around you, live to your principles despite the hardship and keep your focus on the truly important things.
From experience, it is better to close any joint accounts you have asap, organise your finances as quickly as possible.

[HenryDorsetCase]

It isn't ALL about the money, but the thing is, once the dust and stuff has settled, you would like to think you'd have enough money to try and get on with life, maybe buy another house etc.

when you do, ask your lawyer about a trust.... its useful particularly if done prior to you meeting your new partner (and you will..... ) short term tactical decisions here, taken with a long term strategic view.

[HenryDorsetCase]

Yeah, he does (it's me!) :whistle:
Seriously though, this can be a problem (not the Honda riding - the coveting of your goodies). A guy I know had his wife come around to the house when he wasn't there, and give the keys for one of his Porsches (the GT3) to her new man, who was a crap driver and buggered it. If it was me [insert Tui ad], I would've been well fucked off about it, and called the cops, but he was just so devastated by the whole thing that he just let it go.

:gob:

holy shit! thats a $250k plus motor car. thats a hanging offence!

[ynot slow]

Only couple of things,keep ya head up high,you're above her crap etc,my own situation was the same,lost most things but only monetary,self respect in tact,got back with life,met a couple of women,had fun settled down.
Lifes ok.
Parents also seperated after we had their silver anniversary,dad's still close to his inlaws,me I can't be fucked with mine(13yrs),mine soon discovered backstabbing is ok.Their sister and daughter is perfect,still who am I to change their views.

Took me awhile to get over parents divorce but in hindsight it was no biggy,found out stuff they both did,i.e affairs etc,still love and respect the folks and appreciate they're still alive,mind you finding out at 37 or 38 you have a step brother who is about 18 is fun,meeting him and acknowledging him is great,have no probs with him,just sad it took so long to find out,mind you dad doesn't know I know lol.

[young1]

Only couple of things,keep ya head up high,you're above her crap etc,my own situation was the same,lost most things but only monetary,self respect in tact,got back with life,met a couple of women,had fun settled down.
Lifes ok.
Parents also seperated after we had their silver anniversary,dad's still close to his inlaws,me I can't be fucked with mine(13yrs),mine soon discovered backstabbing is ok.Their sister and daughter is perfect,still who am I to change their views.

Took me awhile to get over parents divorce but in hindsight it was no biggy,found out stuff they both did,i.e affairs etc,still love and respect the folks and appreciate they're still alive,mind you finding out at 37 or 38 you have a step brother who is about 18 is fun,meeting him and acknowledging him is great,have no probs with him,just sad it took so long to find out,mind you dad doesn't know I know lol.

Thanks for that, all these comments and words of encouragement do help. This morning she did agree to meet tomorrow to discuss this (I still do not know why she left me) but by end of day had changed her mind. I have had enough of this shit, she has done the dirty, lied to me etc, time for me to move on!!

[vagrant]

time for me to move on!!

I guess that's the hardest thing to realize, say, and then do. But it's a fine place to start a new you.

[ynot slow]

Sounds like she might have second thoughts about the other guy and realises her mistake,problem is you now know her way of thinking,and as you say don't need the crap.Reconcile if you both want to try for another go,but only if it's worth it,trust is a big thing to get back,best of luck for you.

[young1]

No she has done the dirty and is now trying to come up with things that I have done to justify her leaving me!

[scumdog]

Yep I am taking things slowly now. Yep a few quiet rums will be well worth it once everything is finalised (but I am not looking forward to the day I see her with that prick downtown!!! or worse on a ride somewhere!)

Don't lose any time thinking about the 'other man', it's like blaming the tar-seal for your gravel-rash when you arse-off your bike.

Something else has created the situation before the 'other man' (or the tar-seal) became a part of your misery.

Chances are even if you had the clout to get rid of him another one would pop-up, trust me, it's not JUST because of that guy that she has left.

Focus on getting on with life and making sure you don't get screwed over re property/cash etc.

[Grahameeboy]

No she has done the dirty and is now trying to come up with things that I have done to justify her leaving me!

Empathy Young1........she will also have a lot of guilt which is why she is trying to justify her actions..

It may be hard to understand but she is hurting too, however, when someone does the dirty I agree it is hard to forget that and it sounds like you are on right track.

Have a great week.