Getting your knob checked

[Spuds1234]

I was just having a discussion with my brother about STD checks at the doctor.

He says that what they do is get a great big cotton swab and poke it down your knob.

Is this true?

[Grahameeboy]

They use a cotton bud and it is not an enjoyable experience.............

[caesius]

Um, I think they do a blood test. I don't see any medical point in carrying out the "method" you've described. :doctor:

I don't think they'd have too many men lining up for testing if thats how it's done :oi-grr:

[MSTRS]

No truth in that tale at all.
What they really do is push a little umbrella sort of tool in as far as possible, and then pull it out. This scrapes out any infection that exists. Then a red-hot piece of wire is inserted to cauterise the de-scabbed nasties.
Hope this helps.

[caesius]

They use a cotton bud and it is not an enjoyable experience.............

Holy hell really? What is the point of this? I thought STI beasties didn't "reside" anywhere specifically apart from your bloodstream?

OUCH

[Grahameeboy]

Holy hell really? What is the point of this? I thought STI beasties didn't "reside" anywhere specifically apart from your bloodstream?

OUCH

Don't you have any blood in your penis??

[Disco Dan]

On a side note:

Wanking. Choking the chicken. Spanking the monkey. Five-knuckle shuffle. Strumming on the one-stringed guitar. Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters. Having a Sherman. Han Solo. Playing the pink oboe. Doing your homework. Shaking hands with the unemployed. Holding your own. Liquidating the inventory.

Come one, come all.


Whatever you call it, you're all a bunch a wankers. And it’s perfectly natural. Even if you were told that you’re going to go blind, get hairy palms and have an epileptic fit (or meet a blind, hairy epileptic) because of it.

Self-love is wayyyyy better than no love, and as we’re coming (ahem) up to Masturbation Month (well, actually it's in May, but anyway...) we thought we’d share with you our Top 10 facts about everyone's favourite pastime:
1. Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Graham’s Graham Crackers were invented specifically to taste bland because Kellogg and Graham were moral crusaders who believed that masturbation was evil and that flavourful foods awoke nasty sexual urges in us all.

2. The only sort of vague reference to masturbating being a sin in the Bible has to do with a chap from Genesis called Onan. Onan took umbrage to the law which stated something like: “If your brother is slayne, then ye should make whoopee with your bro’s laydee, so as to give her a childe.” Onan didn’t buy the argument that he should produce his brother’s kid, and thus, whenever he and sister-in-law knocked boots, he “spilled his seed” on the ground. This was considered by religious types to be a Bad Thing.

3. It may be okay for former US president Bill Clinton to spunk over Monica’s dress in Washington, but in Oklahoma it is illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car. Apparently.

4. Devoted American and Canadian wankers hid behind closed doors last May 2nd as they participated in the International Masturbate-athon. Willing and eagers collected money for a good cause (sex ed and AIDS charities mostly) based on how much they achieved during the day.

5. In Victorian times, women rarely got off. Because sex with men infrequently produced the kind of marvellous screaming orgasms that we know and love, many developed what was termed until 1952 as the womb disease “hysteria”. To cure such an affliction women had to go to the doctor's office where her GP attended to her needs. But word has it that 9 out of 10 docs found this experience a real chore until…

6. ...electric and steam-powered massagers were invented. This apparently cut the laborious treatment time in half.

7. 1911 was a good year. That was the year that the first electric dildo hit the market. Today, we have Ann Summers, Myla and Harmony among others to thank for our more upmarket toys. (Word of advice when buying a vibe, girls. Forget the expensive Rabbit as seen on Sex and the City, although it is pretty damn good. For a cheaper and often better alternative, try the small but aggressive Pocket Rocket combined with a curved G-spot vibrator and you’re laughing. Enjoy!)

8. There were many devices that were created in the 19th century to prevent masturbation. Among them were rings, ‘cooling’ mechanisms, corsets and our favourite, the Stephenson Spermatic Truss. Chronic masturbators were expected to put their old boy in a pouch, which was then stretched and tied down between the legs. The later model included a metal hood with sharp spikes. Hurrah.

9. The Asian religion Taoism believes that masturbating to completion is a bit of a waste, as spunking rids the male of too much useful “yin” energy.

10. Ever wondered what singer PJ Harvey was on about with her song Sheila-Na-Gig? Seems that Sheila, whose likeness is carved into many English and Irish churches, was a mythological goddess of fertility with great big genitals. She used to display her bits in a bid to ward off evil. As you do. “Back Satan…Or my vulva will gobble ye alive!”

[canarlee]

No truth in that tale at all.
What they really do is push a little umbrella sort of tool in as far as possible, and then pull it out. This scrapes out any infection that exists. Then a red-hot piece of wire is inserted to cauterise the de-scabbed nasties.
Hope this helps.

yup, thats exactly right.





if women are going to cheat then they should be more carefull if they dont want to get caught aye

[nodrog]

Don't you have any blood in your penis??

not when i'm around you! :bleh:

[caesius]

Don't you have any blood in your penis??

Not in my urethra that's for sure.

[terbang]

Just went through all that recently for a Saudi work visa, aids test and all. Blood test, piss into a jar and a whole bunch of questions, thats all. I'm all good for needle sharing now.

[tri boy]

What have you been doing with your brother to raise this conversation with him?:buggerd:
Fire up the Banjo's boys, were hav'n a family hoot'n nanny.:violin::grouphug:

[Spuds1234]

Nothing. He just randomly said "Did you know that when you get an STD checkup they get a great big cotton swab and poke it down your knob"

[imdying]

Tell him to change doctors.

[MrMelon]

Harden up! There's some truth in what he's saying but it sounds a little exaggerated. With the cotton swap down the dickhole trick they like to pull, it's a tiny swab they use to get a sample of skin cells to test and it's painless. This is just one of the tests they do in combination with blood/urine tests. STI beasties can reside in a few places other than just your bloodstream... Better to be safe than sorry!

[imdying]

Or alternatively you could just have 1 partner... if you're dopey enough to marry someone that sleeps around on you, then that's your punishment for your lack of judgement :blip:

Still cut her head off though :rofl:

[Maverick]

FFS. I worry that someone will read the piss taking on this thread and take it seriously and not go to the doctor out of fear when it is needed,

I was a peer councillor at high school and a large part of that was being aware of sexual issues and diseases, I also believe if you are active and involved with a new or various partners it is a good idea to get tested occasionally, a lot of STD's can exist particularly in guys with no symptoms.

It used to be that for an STD check they used to do:
A urine test
A blood test
An entry swab (just in the opening of the penis)
and a deeper swab down the urethra (a metal wire with a cotton bud on the end).

Nowadays with the advances in testing and urine screening they generally take a urine test, blood test and an entry swab only in most circumstances.

[Macktheknife]

Harden up! There's some truth in what he's saying but it sounds a little exaggerated. With the cotton swap down the dickhole trick they like to pull, it's a tiny swab they use to get a sample of skin cells to test and it's painless. This is just one of the tests they do in combination with blood/urine tests. STI beasties can reside in a few places other than just your bloodstream... Better to be safe than sorry!

BULLSHIT!!!!!!
It is not farking painless! and the swab feels like it is 6 feet long! I had it done many years ago and I assure you it is not anything close to painless, just about brought me to my knees!
And then the bitch who did it just smiled at me and said 'there, all done now'.... sadistic bitch.
Worst of all it was all for nothing, I had no problems anyway, dark muttering about incorrect diagnosis and fear tactics.

[McJim]

Bungee shagging (using a condom) is your friend:clap:

[nodrog]

there must be a DIY kit you can get from Supercheap or somewhere and do it yourself at home?

[caesius]

Bungee shagging (using a condom) is your friend

Bungee shagging? Where does the name come from?

[Kornholio]

What have you been doing with your brother to raise this conversation with him?:buggerd:
Fire up the Banjo's boys, were hav'n a family hoot'n nanny.:violin::grouphug:

There is one at our place tonight :D


there must be a DIY kit you can get from Supercheap or somewhere and do it yourself at home?

Eeeeek

[HenryDorsetCase]

Don't you have any blood in your penis??


not presently, having read that post above..... :blink:

[babyblade250rr]

God that hurts just thinking of the process:crazy:

[scracha]

BULLSHIT!!!!!!
It is not farking painless! and the swab feels like it is 6 feet long! I had it done many years ago and I assure you it is not anything close to painless, just about brought me to my knees!
And then the bitch who did it just smiled at me and said 'there, all done now'.... sadistic bitch.
Worst of all it was all for nothing, I had no problems anyway, dark muttering about incorrect diagnosis and fear tactics.

Wot he said. It feels like someone taking a pair of nail clippers closing it right on the tip of your japs eye. Better safe than sorry though, especially as they reckon > 25% of young un's have an STI

[Macktheknife]

Better safe than sorry though, especially as they reckon > 25% of young un's have an STI

Agreed, better safe etc. 25% is pretty damn high.

[R6_kid]

I've only had bloodtest and piss in a cup

[T.W.R]

Better safe than sorry :msn-wink:

even animals get it done :shutup:

[chanceyy]

Better safe than sorry :msn-wink:

even animals get it done :shutup:

:laugh: I will not even ask where you got that pic from :eek:

[kevfromcoro]

Ferk thats not true about the umbrella up the dick is it?
have heard of before.

[scumdog]

Why the hell isn't this in PD? IN FACT WHY ISN'T 99.9% OF kb in PD?

[inlinefour]

I was just having a discussion with my brother about STD checks at the doctor.

He says that what they do is get a great big cotton swab and poke it down your knob.

Is this true?

Back when I was much younger and if not at work, generally pissed. That is what they did...
Now that I'm spoken for I am told rather than doing that, a simple swab is only required now. That an a urine sample. As for the blood test, thats generally only needed when a HIV status is requested. Hope this helps and never put off getting checked up, its not worth the risk. :niceone:

[riffer]

Why the hell isn't this in PD? IN FACT WHY ISN'T 99.9% OF kb in PD?

Probably because everyone is too busy pissing themselves I reckon.


To be honest the only off-topic post in this thread is probably Maverick's (edit: and inline's) one. ;)

[Boob Johnson]

I didn't bother reading any other responses but can say from experience, many MANY moons ago..............ok last week..............no seriously now was about 1990 odd........I got an STD, was about 18 at the time, went off to Taranaki Base & got a 60yr female doc...............damn!!! I think she was trying to send me a message or something as she stuck cotton wool wrapped needles down me "John Thomas" which lead to a lot of bleeding, my blood & lots of it, not to mention sweet, also mine. Wasn't pleasant at all, pissed razor blades for days afterwards.



Anyway, long story short, apparently they don't need to bother with all that shizzle nowadays. You can just pee in a jar & they test it. So if some cranky old fuss pot wants to stick needles down ya noob, say...............




"OI..........YOU.........NOOOOOOOOOOOOO............ .....I ADMIRE YOUR BUBBLY BEDSIDE MANOR BUT GET YOUR GRUBBY MITS OFF MY KNOB"





(in a Harry Enfield type voice) :laugh:

[Drum]

I once had the swab and the doc says 'do you mind if we bring in a few medical students to see how its done?'.

I cannot repeat my response in public.

[cynna]

they just insert a tiny little plastic thing - u cant even feel it

now the time i had a camera inserted was a different story. that stung a bit............

[MSTRS]

Ferk thats not true about the umbrella up the dick is it?
have heard of before.

Rest easy. Unless you still exist in the 1800's or early 1900's....

[scracha]

they just insert a tiny little plastic thing - u cant even feel it

now the time i had a camera inserted was a different story. that stung a bit............


Lies lies and lies. It's fu@#$ckin sore. Worth getting done though.

[Skyryder]

No truth in that tale at all.
What they really do is push a little umbrella sort of tool in as far as possible, and then pull it out. This scrapes out any infection that exists. Then a red-hot piece of wire is inserted to cauterise the de-scabbed nasties.
Hope this helps.

They cut mine off. Put it a box so secure that Houdini could not get in and took down the lab, did the tests and sowed it back on the wrong way. Now when I get a hard on it points down instead of up Don't do much swimming these days if you get my drift. Like it's a bit embaressing in the cold water.

Skyryder

[Lias]

Got tested a few years ago. Piss and blood tests, no scraping the jap eye with the umbrella.

[Pixie]

I was just having a discussion with my brother about STD checks at the doctor.

He says that what they do is get a great big cotton swab and poke it down your knob.

Is this true?

Bullshit

They use a trained Candiru fish:


This fish is feared to attack humans and swim into an orifice (the vagina, anus, or even the penis—and deep into the urethra).[4] Because of spines protruding from the fish, it is almost impossible to remove except through surgery.[7] The fish locates its host by following a water flow to its source and thus urinating while bathing increases the chance of a candirú homing in on a human urethra. Natives have also been known to bathe facing the current, as doing so would decrease the chances of the organism lodging itself in the rectum.[citation needed] Other orifices such as the penis or vagina are covered up with the use of hands.

Though there have been documented candirú attacks on humans, there is no evidence the fish can survive once inside a human. A traditional cure involves the use of two plants, the Jagua plant (Genipa americana) and the Buitach apple which are inserted (or their extract in the case of tight spaces) into the affected area. In theory, these two plants together will kill and then dissolve the fish. More often, infection causes shock and death in the victim before the candirú can be removed.

A well-circulated myth is that the candirú is capable of swimming up the stream of urine in mid-air to a victim standing on shore or a boat. This is physically impossible as the maximum swimming velocity of the fish is opposed by the downward velocity of the urine stream, and the further impossible act of the 5-14 mm wide fish maintaining position and thrust within a 2–7 mm wide column of fluid. They are also probably not attracted to urine as commonly thought.[

[Gareth123]

Bullshit

They use a trained Candiru fish:


This fish is feared to attack humans and swim into an orifice (the vagina, anus, or even the penis—and deep into the urethra).[4] Because of spines protruding from the fish, it is almost impossible to remove except through surgery.[7] The fish locates its host by following a water flow to its source and thus urinating while bathing increases the chance of a candirú homing in on a human urethra. Natives have also been known to bathe facing the current, as doing so would decrease the chances of the organism lodging itself in the rectum.[citation needed] Other orifices such as the penis or vagina are covered up with the use of hands.

Though there have been documented candirú attacks on humans, there is no evidence the fish can survive once inside a human. A traditional cure involves the use of two plants, the Jagua plant (Genipa americana) and the Buitach apple which are inserted (or their extract in the case of tight spaces) into the affected area. In theory, these two plants together will kill and then dissolve the fish. More often, infection causes shock and death in the victim before the candirú can be removed.

A well-circulated myth is that the candirú is capable of swimming up the stream of urine in mid-air to a victim standing on shore or a boat. This is physically impossible as the maximum swimming velocity of the fish is opposed by the downward velocity of the urine stream, and the further impossible act of the 5-14 mm wide fish maintaining position and thrust within a 2–7 mm wide column of fluid. They are also probably not attracted to urine as commonly thought.[

Wow i never realised that our simple post about getting your knob checked (which everyone should do) would generate a post about fishes swimming up your arse or urethra or whatever. EWWW :gob:

[Skyryder]

Wow i never realised that our simple post about getting your knob checked (which everyone should do) would generate a post about fishes swimming up your arse or urethra or whatever. EWWW :gob:

Just like the good ol' days. You never knew what would come out of the woodwork.

Skyryder

[Maha]

IN FACT WHY ISN'T 99.9% OF kb in PD?

Buy my calculations....if that were the case, then there would be 6 threads to view.....maths was never my strongest subject but i think im pretty close with the estimated equational outcome....:whistle:

[Colapop]

The reality is, that if you're sticking your knob somewhere or in someone that you suspect aint that clean then you need your head as much as your knob checked!

[imdying]

Buy my calculations....if that were the case, then there would be 6 threads to view.....maths was never my strongest subject but i think im pretty close with the estimated equational outcome....:whistle:Hmmm, do you take credit card? :msn-wink:

[scracha]

The reality is, that if you're sticking your knob somewhere or in someone that you suspect aint that clean then you need your head as much as your knob checked!

Well I was young and drunk...anyway...she smelled clean :spanking:

It's the ones who cross their fingers and don't get their knob checked that need their head checked.

[peasea]

I thought it was possible to get rid of any (and all) STD's, including AIDS, by bonking a virgin.

Is this not true?

If it's not we need to tell one or two African dudes.

[scracha]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/b656bac53270ed6cecab/test.gif

Elvis has left the hospital building

[Hillbilly]

The "umbrella" statement is true, and very painful. The doctor normally distracts you with some polite conversation before rapildly extracting the swab. It only looks like a cotton bud. However, that's only if you ahve a discharge, and for other STDs, a blood test will do. BTW, HepB is classified as an STD.

[sAsLEX]

The reality is, that if you're sticking your knob somewhere or in someone that you suspect aint that clean then you need your head as much as your knob checked!

I have heard of a method when the other person is highly suspect of carrying things you don't want.

Place one condom on.
Put a little deep heat or similar over it.
Cover with another condom.

Now you know when she feels the deep heat the first joey has broken and its time to get out of dodge.....

[Indiana_Jones]

For the love of God (and all his little angels) it's STD not STI, people!

-Indy

[peasea]

I have heard of a method when the other person is highly suspect of carrying things you don't want.

Place one condom on.
Put a little deep heat or similar over it.
Cover with another condom.

Now you know when she feels the deep heat the first joey has broken and its time to get out of dodge.....

Men can be such pigs.

[MSTRS]

For the love of God (and all his little angels) it's STD not STI, people!

-Indy

Sexually Transmitted Infection (previously Disease). Changed to STI to avoid confusion for Subscriber Trunk Dialling (making a tollcall without using an operator ie dialling straight through)

[Indiana_Jones]

Sexually Transmitted Infection (previously Disease). Changed to STI to avoid confusion for Subscriber Trunk Dialling (making a tollcall without using an operator ie dialling straight through)

I know it's been changed, but I don't accept the new term.

-Indy

[MSTRS]

I know it's been changed, but I don't accept the new term.

-Indy

Back to the treaty thread(s) for you then....along with all the other bods that want to live in yesterday

[Indiana_Jones]

Back to the treaty thread(s) for you then....along with all the other bods that want to live in yesterday

Fine! :oi-grr:

I like STD, sounds more dirty :devil2:

Why does it burn when I pee? :crybaby:

-Indy

[fireball]

The reality is, that if you're sticking your knob somewhere or in someone that you suspect aint that clean then you need your head as much as your knob checked!

and a refund :Pokey:

[scracha]

Why does it burn when I pee? :crybaby:
-Indy

"I'm peeing glass fragments Leonardo"

[ManDownUnder]

FFS... so much speculation and bog all facts

Two seconds on Google found this... (GASP)... facts!

http://www.sexfiles.co.nz/cond.html

Look 'em up, read ... whatever.
EOM

[Maha]

Fine! :oi-grr:

I like STD, sounds more dirty :devil2:

Why does it burn when I pee? :crybaby:

-Indy


Because you have an STI ???....:doctor:

[Indiana_Jones]

That bitch said she was clean!

-Indy

[terbang]

That bitch said she was clean!

-Indy

Yeah right, 'She love you for long time' too eh.