Jeremy Clarkson quotes

[Her_C4]

JEREMY CLARKSON QUOTES :devil2:

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

· The Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz in a bath together playing with lots of jelly."

· About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

· "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

· Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"

· On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

· "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

· "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

· "The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

· "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

· "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

· "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"

· On the Mercedes CLs55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

· "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

· Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

· "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'."

· "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."

· "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years."


· On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?"

· "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

· On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

· "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

· "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."

· "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

· Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"

· Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."

· Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

· "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."

· "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."

· "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

· "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

· "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."

· "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

· "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

· On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[WarlockNZ]

10: Clarkson on Concorde
Concorde's final flight brought out Clarkson's poignant side: "This is one small step for man, but one giant leap backwards for mankind."

9: Clarkson on diesel motors
Clarkson's talent for similes can make even car motors interesting. "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

8: Clarkson on small cars
Clarkson's scorn for the sensible is neatly demonstrated by this statement on small cars: "We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel."

7: Clarkson on bad gadgets
When testing the Bentley Continental GT, Jezza just couldn't see the point in a lever on the dash that adjusted the suspension. He concluded: "It really is about as useful as putting a snooze button on a smoke alarm."

6: Clarkson on family cars
He may prefer roaring down roads in Mustangs, but here's Clarkson being nice about a lowly family car: "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

5: Clarkson on cool
Clarkson the cultural critic had this to say on the meaning of 'cool': "Cool is just another way of saying 'not very popular'. The Guardian is cool. Desks made out of zinc are cool. Rolf Harris, on the other hand, is warm."

4: Clarkson on Rolls
Clarkson was most impressed by the robust new Rolls Royce: "It looks like it might kick your head in... for fun. Especially in black. In a pale colour or silver, it looks like Vinnie Jones in one of Graham Norton's T-shirts."

3: Clarkson on consumerism
Appalled at being ripped-off by multinationals, Clarkson turned consumer champ. "Eighty-five pence for a plastic bottle of Coke? I thought they'd stopped using cocaine as one of the ingredients..."

2: Clarkson on cricket
Attending a cricket match, Clarkson had this to say on the audience: "Fathers and their sons dressed in matching blazers and slacks, as though women hadn't been involved in the breeding process at all. You just open up the chap like a Russian doll, and out pops another one."

1: Clarkson on Creation
We round things off with a quick geography lesson from Clarkson. "On the seventh day God didn't rest. He looked at what he had created and thought: 'Oh dammit, England's gone all wrong. The sea is washing silt off the coastlines in the north and depositing them in an ugly bulbous lump near Kent'. Today we call this unholy place East Anglia."