Two years on

[hXc]

Hate posting a thread like this, but makes me feel better.
Here goes...

Two years ago today, my best friend killed himself.
Today hasn't been good for me. I had to work, and I didn't feel as though I was pulling my weight either, which I feel bad about. I got up and just knew that it wasn't a normal day. I had this sick feeling inside me and it hasn't left.

For those that haven't experienced something like this, I sincerely wish you don't have to. For those who have, hang in there. It's hard, and it always will be, but there's absolutely nothing we, or anyone else can do to change what happened.

I hate Meeckal for what he did, and I'm sure he knows that. But as I said in the one year thread, I can't go on living, hating someone who's dead.

Thanks to all of those people on KB who've been there when I've been down. Even if you just said something nice, it all helps.

RIP man.

[Ragingrob]

It's a hard and bumpy road getting through things like that...all I can say is that I'm sorry for what happened and hope things turn out sunny and start to improve sometime in the near future...Sorry to hear what happened. Best wishes :).

[Stickchick]

I know exactly how you are feeling and its not the most pleasant but chin up and if you need to talk to someone you know where I live and also you know that any of the HB Kbers are there for you....ALWAYS

[WarlockNZ]

sounds like someone needs a hug.

suicide is never an option and i'm sorry to say it, but it's the cowards way out.

I've had a few friends die, but only one took his own life and if he was alive today .. i would kick his ass for putting his family through that kind of pain.

It's takes a special kind of person to ask for help, but taking your own life is never the answer.

That being said ... i am sorry for your loss and you have my sympathy, remember the good times mate ... i find that helps.

[MSTRS]

You never have to 'weather the storm' alone. We know this is a hard thing for you to cope with, but it will get less painful as the years pass.

[yungatart]

....:grouphug:....

[Chickadee]

big hugs Zac,

can't speak from experience of loosing a mate in such a sad way, he must have had his reasons - shame he didn't seek help for the turmoil inside that pushed him over the edge.

Hope you have some good memories to think of Meeckal in a better light, I'm sure he'd rather you remembered the good things instead of the way things ended.

Lots of love & hugs
Christine

[Colapop]

To lose a friend is heartbreaking, especially like this. To forget them is unforgivable. Never forget the person that they were and the smiles that they gave you. The pain does lessen but they will always live on if you keep their memory close to your heart.

I miss my bro, but I will never forget him.

Ride free Jeff.

[hXc]

shame he didn't seek help for the turmoil inside that pushed him over the edge.He did.
He was talking to the councillor at school and had been to the mental health part of the Hawkes Bay hospital too. But the guy they needed to see was away at the time...
He contacted Meeckal's parents two days after he committed suicide. Meeckal's mum's reply; "Too fucking late now."

Kind of goes to show that NZ's mental health department doesn't really cut it.
He was doing all the right things.

[ynot slow]

Feel for ya,worked with a guy who would get severe asthma,finished work one Friday and as it was before my trade cert 3rd qual exam,decided to have a few beers and go home around 8ish and study.About 25 mins after I left,another worker called into the pub to say our coleague had died whilst having a bath.Found out on the Saturday morning just as I was going off for exam,not the best thing to happen prior to exam,still managed to pass (just),he was happy as usual,and to think we had been enjoying an ale 3 hours before,discussing exams etc,as he was doing 2nd qual as well the next day,not great to go to work on Monday and not see his cheeky smile,still think about it even now nearly 27yrs ago,he was only 20 or so at time.

[NZsarge]

sounds like someone needs a hug.

suicide is never an option and i'm sorry to say it, but it's the cowards way out.

I've had a few friends die, but only one took his own life and if he was alive today .. i would kick his ass for putting his family through that kind of pain.

It's takes a special kind of person to ask for help, but taking your own life is never the answer.

That being said ... i am sorry for your loss and you have my sympathy, remember the good times mate ... i find that helps.

First of all to hXc, well it's pretty much all getting said here mate. All I can say it's a sad thing to here and I wish you had'nt had to gone through that.


Mr Warlock, you are correct in saying if your friend were to come back he would deserve a serve for how what he did to those who loved him. Suicide is so very selfish. But let me ask you, have you ever been on the edge like that? If you had I dont think you would feel it's cowardly coz let me tell you from someone who has been down that VERY VERY dark path you dont know what the fuck you are talking about!
Servere depression is clinical ei: the constant depression eventually causes a chemical imbalance that is nigh on impossible too fight without the correct help, some people get that help in time and sadly some dont, no one is to blame for it but there it is.
Dont come back at me and tell me bullshit because i've been there.:calm:

[Chickadee]

I think what Warlocks getting at with the coward comment is all the shit that happens afterwards to the family and friends which I'm sure hXc know all too well about.

I've been there to the dark place, and come out to the light - sadly NZ has a very high youth suicide rate. Looking at the depression thread I'm sure many of us could well have been amongst them.

Just a real shame that Meekal and his family didn't get the help they were desperate for when it was needed. A waste of a young mans life and future, let alone the damage to the family and friends.

[kevfromcoro]

Think most of us have been down that road
This is sad.......someone close to u killing themselves
Seems to be a fine line,,next thing a happy friend is gone
Hard going..my feelings are with u.
Not your fault

KEV

[Cache Wraith]

Hang in there hXc. Tough thing to go through and this concept may be tough for you to grasp, but every experience we have we call forth ourselves. Every experience, especially ones as difficult as this, provide learning and growth. It was time for your friend to go and although it seems he took the easy way out (hard on family and mates) the truth is he has provided everyone left behind with a wonderful opportunity to grow in the experience. When this understanding dawns then you'll only have love for your comrade who I am sure is with you and looks to protect you and has nothing but love in his heart for you.

[Mom]

To lose a friend is heartbreaking, especially like this. To forget them is unforgivable. Never forget the person that they were and the smiles that they gave you. The pain does lessen but they will always live on if you keep their memory close to your heart.

I miss my bro, but I will never forget him.

Ride free Jeff.

Thanks Col........Zac, I am so sorry you lost your friend mate, I know it sounds contrite, but time and distance will help make the pain of losing a mate a little easier to bear. Suicide is a shocking thing, and not something we need to debate here. Take your time love, know that there are plenty of people out here sending their love your way.
:love: Mom

[NZsarge]

I think what Warlocks getting at with the coward comment is all the shit that happens afterwards to the family and friends which I'm sure hXc know all too well about.

I've been there to the dark place, and come out to the light - sadly NZ has a very high youth suicide rate. Looking at the depression thread I'm sure many of us could well have been amongst them.

Just a real shame that Meekal and his family didn't get the help they were desperate for when it was needed. A waste of a young mans life and future, let alone the damage to the family and friends.
Yes the aftermath is horendous for sure, my point is suicide is hugely selfish, not cowardly. In a state of clinical depression you don't have control of thoughts as you would normally do. I'm just glad that I can recognise when i'm on the way down these day and I do something about it.

[hXc]

Thanks Col........Zac, I am so sorry you lost your friend mate, I know it sounds contrite, but time and distance will help make the pain of losing a mate a little easier to bear. Suicide is a shocking thing, and not something we need to debate here. Take your time love, know that there are plenty of people out here sending their love your way.
:love: MomThanks Mom.
And to everyone else who has sent their thoughts my way. It really is making me smile reading them all.
It's a horrible feeling inside me today. Just...something missing. Sickly and empty. And I can't stop replaying the whole day in my head either. Every single minute detail...over and over again.
I still remember the comments from everyone. The support. The confusion. When it sunk in. Every little thing.

Thinking about it makes me shake. I still remember hugging a classmate and as soon as her arms came around me, it was like I was a leaning post. She wouldn't stop shaking, crying...everything.

Those who've been there knows what it's like. Looking back now, it brought my whole year group into a tight bundle. Everyone banded together and supported each other - bullies and 'retards' and all the cliche groups...they all sort of forgot about their groups and clubs, and we all became one.

I am closer to all my friends now because of it. I have friends that I wouldn't have if it wasn't for it. I have a girlfriend that I probably wouldn't have even talked to if it wasn't for Meeckal's death.

Positive things come from negative things sometimes. It may sound contradictory, but it's true.

Thanks again to everybody. :hug:

[Meanie]

Hang in there mate It can only get better, beside life is too short to dwell on too much negative
My sons best mate did the same thing a little over a year ago The kid was like a son to me So i kinda know what you are going through. Find strength in the positive things you remember about him
Some advice i offered to my son and his mates Celebrate his life dont dwell on what he did to end it
Good luck dude Reach out if you need help dont let it drag you down

[MyGSXF]

Feel for ya hXc.. my brother-in-law took his life several years ago.. I understand why he did it & I don't blame him for it.. but I do feel for my oldest son, who never got to know his lovely uncle. :weep: The worst thing is.. had he hung in there for 1 more year, he would have been free from the horrid situation he was in, & would still be alive now. :mellow:

My thought after reading your initial post though sweets.. is.. what about YOU hXc?? what sort of support have you received?? have you been able to talk through your feelings with the school councillor?? or someone else who is trained to deal with these situations??? It is important for you to be able to be able to move on also.. to be able to deal with.. & let go of your hate, for you to be free. Meeckal will always be with you hXc, he lives in your heart & every breath you take.. let go of you hate.. so you can remember him with love..

Thinking of you.. :hug:

Jen

[Mrs Busa Pete]

.............:grouphug:

[Macktheknife]

Find strength in the positive things you remember about him
Celebrate his life don't dwell on what he did to end it




.. & let go of your hate, for you to be free. Meeckal will always be with you hXc, he lives in your heart & every breath you take.. let go of your hate.. so you can remember him with love..

Thinking of you.. :hug:

Jen

Hey Zac,
Just a thought for you,like many others here I have had several good friends die and some by their own hand.
Do not dwell or allow yourself to focus on the way they died, rather, focus on how they lived and how much they enriched the lives around them.
Your friend has left you many gifts in your memories, and in your circle of friends. Do not hate him for what he did because that (IMO) dishonours the memory of his friendship.

Celebrate instead on his birthday, remember his life and friendship, give thanks for all the good that has come from his life.
Take good care mate

[Beemer]

It's horrible to lose someone this way. A good friend of mine committed suicide years ago after his wife had an affair and I was so angry at him for what it did to his family. He had 12 brothers and sisters and his mother was distraught at his death. She never quite recovered and died within a year.

Big hugs, unfortunately if someone is determined to take their life there is not a lot that can change their mind. But it is never the answer - as a guy whose TWO children committed suicide told me, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Feel sad, grieve, rage at him for doing this, but also realise it was his choice. Love your friends and family and look at the positive things in your life.

[yungatart]

Being cheeky and using mums login (I must be a slightly yungatart).
Little brother you were fine at work yesterday! wish u had said in the morning though. I am proud of the way you get it out of your system-sharing is the best way to find caring... Meeckal isnt hurting anymore mate, and he wouldnt want you to be.
Love you lots, you know where I am if you need me babe. Mmmmmwah! love from big sis!!!

[KATWYN]

If you had I dont think you would feel it's cowardly

Possibly quite the contrary. I believe to actually go through with it takes a tonne of guts.....the person can also feel that their loved ones would actually be better off without the burden of their living pain - so they not only relieve themselves but in their minds they also relieve their loved ones as well.

The sad thing is it is soooo not true

[scumdog]

I think what Warlocks getting at with the coward comment is all the shit that happens afterwards to the family and friends which I'm sure hXc know all too well about.

The counter to that (just to balance things) is everybody expects some poor sod who is living a miserable sad live and wants to end it NOT to end it so everybody else (except them) has a happier life??

But it IS cruel to those left behind "if only" "what if" "why" - it goes on and on.

[hXc]

Me and my girlfriend were talking about it all today. She still feels really guilty, she feels as if she had a part in it too. He asked her out the day before and she said no...so I can understand where she is coming from. All I could explain to her was that I knew it wasn't because of that. I didn't know exactly why, don't think anyone will ever know, but I do know why not.

EDIT: I awoke at 5:20 this morning to go and have some alone time at the grave site (not thinking rationally I guess - cemetery ain't open 'til 8am) and watch the sun rise. I got their and decided, well I've woken up this early, but I'm not going to just go home. So I went and sat at the top of a hill in Taradale and had some time to just think and remember him as the sun rose to a new day.

Was peaceful.

[MSTRS]

Quiet reflection is good for the soul. And in that setting, a reminder that the world keeps turning and the living go on doing just that.
I'm proud of you, son...not to mention being a little humbled...but damned if I know where you learned those coping skills.

[Scorpygirl]

Hi Zac

Thanks for your txt last night. Sorry I have not been on KB much lately. You know there are always people on here that you can bend an ear with, including you Mum and Dad, if you need too. Take care. Big, big hugz!!!

[surfchick]

Being cheeky and using mums login (I must be a slightly yungatart).
Little brother you were fine at work yesterday! wish u had said in the morning though. I am proud of the way you get it out of your system-sharing is the best way to find caring... Meeckal isnt hurting anymore mate, and he wouldnt want you to be.
Love you lots, you know where I am if you need me babe. Mmmmmwah! love from big sis!!!

rep of support here for both of you -
it's good to mark the anniversary of someones passing -and this forum is kind of like that - a way for you to say what you need to say. i'm 10 years on from an ex. boyfriend committing suicide in palmy and i still see so many contexts in which i totally wish he was around to share. time makes the pain change but not dissapear... hang in there... and post again on the next aniversary... and the next as you need...

also "big sis" pretty special post there

[WarlockNZ]

If you had I dont think you would feel it's cowardly coz let me tell you from someone who has been down that VERY VERY dark path you dont know what the fuck you are talking about!

Isn't it interesting how people make assumptions about you without them knowing anything about you??

know me before you judge me NZsarge.

And not to burst your self righteous bubble, but as a diagnosed manic-depressive I know exactally what I'm talking about... for your information fuck tard ... no .. i'm sorry I take that back, your not a fuck tard .. you are simply making a judgement without all the facts, but i digress.

For your information, I have contemplated the final solution many times, in fact, sometimes on my ride to work, i wonder if it should just steer for the car in the oncoming lane and do you know what stops me every single time???

Of course you don't .. because you decided that i didn't know what i was talking about based on your own experience and closed mind, not once thinking that maybe, just maybe, someone else might have a valid opinion.

The only thing NZsarge, that stops me from ending my life on a daily basis, is that i think about my family and my friends and the amount of pain and suffering that would put them through and then i remember that I love them and i could never hurt them and because I could never hurt them, i can't hurt myself.

So please, the next time you want to jump on your soap box and spew your close minded opinions to the masses, stop and think .. maybe someone else is going through the same thing and actually has a valid opinion .. it might be hard to grasp that the world doesn't revolve around you, but please ... for the sake of your own mental health ... think before you speak.