candor
22nd October 2007, 21:44
All road deaths are graphic & horrific like Kiwi Biker Dans. Few would not be, that I've heard of. And it does make a difference how they died, short term, long term... forever it is hard to take.
Publishing of Dans photo has made him more than just a stat for those of us who didn't know him.
How they died is as hard to shake as the images that give vets shell shock - whether you saw the body or are just left imagining. Empathy can be a curse - the connectedness we have.
Atop the original damage there are nasty disfiguring slits in the persons chest etc from the post mortem, hard not to miss if you want to spend time.
Tomorrow I will be attending a nice funeral. It will be nice I know, peaceful and kind and healing because the person died (more) naturally of cancer. Everyone is sort of prepared - her wishes are known etc etc.
Funerals of road victims, crime victims, victims of horrific accidents are usually quite a different experience for the family, for anyone who's not had a direct tragedy close to them. They are often like a roller coaster, out of control & unstoppable as the family are still like a deer caught in headlights.
While media and a horrified wider community all seek to help, profit or in some way be accomodated.
I did not hear or see much of my own slain Mothers funeral ,as once I saw the coffin being bought in (I darely wanted to rewind the fantasylike "video" playing out), I just fixated on it in abject horror. Nothing else could get attention and the whole church full of people just faded into oblivion.
I believe the adrenalin of a panic at seeing that unwanted coffin not just disappear in a bad dream triggered hyper alertness resulting in intense but narrowed range of perception. I could describe the coffin in exquisite detail to you, as it almost throbbed in its extreme gawdy shininess and even seemed to expand toward me.
This hyper alert state causes traumatic visual memories to imprint on the consciousness. It is normal when confronted with the unacceptable, with that which is outside the normal range of experience or outside what you can stand without wanting to faint / puke / scream / kill, insert own adjective.
The statistics for surviving family and loved ones of road victims are also horrific - the victims often aren't the only ones to die. Large studies on surviving people have been done overseas and the news is not positive.
There are long term mental health issues - insomnia with nightmares, much higher suicide rates for 6 years, higher development of illnesses like cancer, changes of priorities, often houses and businesses are lost - through loss of a needed income or even through inability to work after breakdowns.
Sometimes people just don't care any more seeing all the trappings of material success as hollow. Sometimes survivors end as skid row drunks etc.
It is a life changing event for those who loved the victim, always. And long after most think they have got over it it is ever present. People whose life is not poorer and majorly altered from its natural course by such a thing are rare as hens teeth.
ACC is about as miserable as it gets to road victims. The grant is barely enough to cover funeral costs (usually not inconsiderable for one who dies too young). The family get zip - nothing - for counselling, despite being one of the groups in society prolly most needing it.
ACCs justification is that if you weren't at the crash scene you weren't a victim of the accident. Seeing the body an hour later, or the vehicle at the scene even just don't cut it.
If people want counseling it gets complicated too. As the normal grief process doesn't apply, its a whole different ballgame where traumatic loss is concerned, and requires counsellors specifically trained in that field - because the usual approach can do more harm than good.
If someone is going to put a hat around I'd like to give a little to Dans family to use to get any support or mental health pick me up they might need later. Whether its counseling, a time out holiday or just whatever.
The needs can be so wide ranging, unexpected and unpredictable, actually for the first few years after such a tragedy.... feeling for this family right now.
Publishing of Dans photo has made him more than just a stat for those of us who didn't know him.
How they died is as hard to shake as the images that give vets shell shock - whether you saw the body or are just left imagining. Empathy can be a curse - the connectedness we have.
Atop the original damage there are nasty disfiguring slits in the persons chest etc from the post mortem, hard not to miss if you want to spend time.
Tomorrow I will be attending a nice funeral. It will be nice I know, peaceful and kind and healing because the person died (more) naturally of cancer. Everyone is sort of prepared - her wishes are known etc etc.
Funerals of road victims, crime victims, victims of horrific accidents are usually quite a different experience for the family, for anyone who's not had a direct tragedy close to them. They are often like a roller coaster, out of control & unstoppable as the family are still like a deer caught in headlights.
While media and a horrified wider community all seek to help, profit or in some way be accomodated.
I did not hear or see much of my own slain Mothers funeral ,as once I saw the coffin being bought in (I darely wanted to rewind the fantasylike "video" playing out), I just fixated on it in abject horror. Nothing else could get attention and the whole church full of people just faded into oblivion.
I believe the adrenalin of a panic at seeing that unwanted coffin not just disappear in a bad dream triggered hyper alertness resulting in intense but narrowed range of perception. I could describe the coffin in exquisite detail to you, as it almost throbbed in its extreme gawdy shininess and even seemed to expand toward me.
This hyper alert state causes traumatic visual memories to imprint on the consciousness. It is normal when confronted with the unacceptable, with that which is outside the normal range of experience or outside what you can stand without wanting to faint / puke / scream / kill, insert own adjective.
The statistics for surviving family and loved ones of road victims are also horrific - the victims often aren't the only ones to die. Large studies on surviving people have been done overseas and the news is not positive.
There are long term mental health issues - insomnia with nightmares, much higher suicide rates for 6 years, higher development of illnesses like cancer, changes of priorities, often houses and businesses are lost - through loss of a needed income or even through inability to work after breakdowns.
Sometimes people just don't care any more seeing all the trappings of material success as hollow. Sometimes survivors end as skid row drunks etc.
It is a life changing event for those who loved the victim, always. And long after most think they have got over it it is ever present. People whose life is not poorer and majorly altered from its natural course by such a thing are rare as hens teeth.
ACC is about as miserable as it gets to road victims. The grant is barely enough to cover funeral costs (usually not inconsiderable for one who dies too young). The family get zip - nothing - for counselling, despite being one of the groups in society prolly most needing it.
ACCs justification is that if you weren't at the crash scene you weren't a victim of the accident. Seeing the body an hour later, or the vehicle at the scene even just don't cut it.
If people want counseling it gets complicated too. As the normal grief process doesn't apply, its a whole different ballgame where traumatic loss is concerned, and requires counsellors specifically trained in that field - because the usual approach can do more harm than good.
If someone is going to put a hat around I'd like to give a little to Dans family to use to get any support or mental health pick me up they might need later. Whether its counseling, a time out holiday or just whatever.
The needs can be so wide ranging, unexpected and unpredictable, actually for the first few years after such a tragedy.... feeling for this family right now.