Company Christmas Party

[Sully60]

Just in from HR:

CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company ChristmasParty will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

********************* ******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year.However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty


************************************************** ***


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $ 1 0.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


************************************************** ***


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Wa tc hers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


************************************************

FROM: Pat ty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar,including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy ecovery
and I'll continue to forwa rd your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23 rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[Stirts]

:killingme

OMG! THAT IS FARKEN FUNNY! AND SADLY TOO CLOSE TO TRUTH......I WORK IN HR!

[Stirts]

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

[Daffyd]

Bloody brilliant! And too, too close to the truth!

[007XX]

:rofl: :rofl:

*sending this right away to my company's HR....they'll love it from their padded room* :blip:

Bling deserved and sent...:2thumbsup

[Sully60]

I would never use foul language to talk to my subbordinates. Hang on.....


Go f*&k yourself I post on KB any C$%nting time I want you scruffy little duct erecting motherf%^ckers!

Sorry 'bout that, now here some tips that HO sent though:

Dear Staff :


It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole

5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem

8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway

[babyblade250rr]

classic well done! i like it

[Stirts]

To: All Employees



Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.



Lunch Breaks:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.



Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



Restroom Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.



Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.



Have a nice week.

[Sully60]

Good one Stirts...
Must spread more rep blah blah.

Hey who's seen the S. Claus Vs NZ Government Powerpoint?
It's fuggin funny and a little disturbing because apart from the Santa bit it's all too close to the truth.
PM me if you haven't and I'll email it through.

[deanohit]

Bwahahaha, these jokes are classic guys!

[Stirts]

To, Priya
Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms prey,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since
the 14th of October.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving his letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your other friends (girls), if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,


John
HR Manager

[Ocean1]

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November

Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange allowed now since the
Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on >>> serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to
take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet; pregnant women will get the table closest
to the toilets; Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not
have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant
cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday ! Drink, drive, and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[Sully60]

I wonder if Pauline and Patty were twin sisters?
Or maybe the same person in parallel universes equally screwed by the PC Nazi's?


Far out the PC Nazi Brigade has found a wormhole!

[Ocean1]

I wonder if Pauline and Patty were twin sisters?
Or maybe the same person in parallel universes equally screwed by the PC Nazi's?

That would explain why I couldn't find her eh?


Far out the PC Nazi Brigade has found a wormhole!

... and festooned it with dayglow vests, cones and tape no doubt.

[Sully60]

That would explain why I couldn't find her eh?



... and festooned it with dayglow vests, cones and tape no doubt.

They would have had a mountain of JSA's on them just to get near the thing.
The site specific safety plan would have to be so big it would create it's on gravitational field rendering the original wormhole completely useless!

[ManDownUnder]

To, MDU, Manliness personified
Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Mr Under,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since
the 17th of December (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=62033).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 16th of Oct. at approx 1300 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving his letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. If you do not wish to take up this offer I would be happy if you could forward this letter to anyone male except a Dan, Steve, Mark or John. Short busty women could also be included on that forward list

Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,


Stirts
HR Pro

So incredibly flattering but I get this sort of thing all the time and and I really haven't worked out a way of gracefully refusing without leaving yet another shattered heart in my wake.

If you are intent on proceeding, let me know and I'll see if I can fit you into my busy schedule. Sunday mornings 2:15 though 4:14 are free at the moment. I apologise for the short duration but it's the best I can do under the curcumstance.

Very flattered regards
MDU

[Stirts]

So incredibly flattering but I get this sort of thing all the time and and I really haven't worked out a way of gracefully refusing without leaving yet another shattered heart in my wake.

If you are intent on proceeding, let me know and I'll see if I can fit you into my busy schedule. Sunday mornings 2:15 though 4:14 are free at the moment. I apologise for the short duration but it's the best I can do under the curcumstance.

Very flattered regards
MDU

:killingme:killingme

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

[ManDownUnder]

:killingme:killingme

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

How'd you know I was Danny Carters body double?

[Stirts]

How'd you know I was Danny Carters body double?

Yes yes....well I can see the resemblance in the facial structure!

[ManDownUnder]

Yes yes....well I can see the resemblance in the facial structure!

... and that pic nicely illustrates the other problem ... everyone keeps trying to get into my pants. It's a hard life but someone has to live it.

[Stirts]

... and that pic nicely illustrates my other problems ... everyone keeps trying to get into my pants. It's hard and someone has to love it.

Hmmmmmmm I see ......how very kind of you to share